.....necessary? I think in my case (as anyone who has read my postings) that he pretty much knows what he has done and continues to do and what my next plan of action is. Do I need to write a letter or is cutting myself off suffice? I honestly do not believe he warrants anything nice from me at the moment...especially in writing. I just feel like, well, not talking or seeing him. I'm that angry that I believe this is best. If I write, well, I will just vent. If a Plan B letter is a must, well, I'm just going to have to wait a good week before I can (even with the help of someone) compose something that would be suitable to be read.

Yes it is necessary. Otherwise he will think you are just pissed off at him & don't want to be with him.

think in my case (as anyone who has read my postings) that he pretty much knows what he has done
The letter tells him what he will need to do for reconciliation after the affair ends (and it will).

Write it a few times & please post it here before sending it. We can make sure it's not just a vent at him.

I was wondering the same thing:
Do I need to actually send my husband a 'Plan B' letter?

Several times I have verbally communicated that I don't want to talk to him or see him unless he gets treatment for his problems with anger, violence, internet porn, serial adultery, dishonesty. I agreed through mediation only to visitation with him picking the children up and droping them off at the home of a mutual friend - not letting him come to my home. And I also said I wanted to avoid having to discuss visitation arrangements directly with him (in the past he has manipulated visitation discussions to verbally abuse me and make demands).

So I feel confident that I have communicated that I don't want contact with him... However, I don't have caller ID so I do end up talking to him on the phone sometimes and he e-mails me (I rarely respond). And I've even had to contact him when I needed money (support he's giving is inadequate) so I have not been 100% consistent in carrying it out.

I don't (anymore) say anything about what he needs to do for reconciliation because he's filed for divorce, mostly denies (on rare occasions admits/excuses) the problems he needs to deal with, and I have pretty much given up hope that he will ever change or that I could ever trust him again even if he did. Right now I feel that if he ever wants to restore our relationship he can do the research and work to figure out what needs to be done. Besides in the past any info I supplied about what he needed to change he just used temporarily to try to con me into taking him back, then dropped his act ASAP, and eventually would claim I 'made him' come back and say/do the nice things.

Hi Chris -

I read what you said to the poster who started this thread (sorry, forgot the name):

"Yes it is necessary. Otherwise he will think you are just pissed off at him & don't want to be with him."

I'm pretty sure that's what my husband thinks. Because I so "no" to his demands he accuses me of being angry and vindictive. Maybe he thinks someday he'll call and find me in a better mood and get a "yes"? I feel as though he's treating the break-up of our marriage more like a spat between junior high kids who repeatedly break-up and then eventually go back to 'going steady'... based mostly on their moods and emotions.

He will suddenly call out of the blue starting out talking really nice (as if he didn't cuss me out and hang up on me the last time we talked on the phone), quickly shifts gears to making demands (usually demanding to come over), then screams obscenities and hangs up when it doesn't work (don't have caller ID hardware yet). A little time goes by and then he tries again...

So now I am thinking of sending him a letter or e-mail stating that I want no further contact with him. In mediation I said I wanted no contact for now - maybe limited contact in the future if I felt he was no longer a danger. I doubt a Plan B letter will have much affect on my husband's behavior. But if I give a copy to the lawyers and judge, referring to the American Bar Association's recommendations regarding visitation when there's domestic abuse, do you think then maybe his lawyer and/or the court system might reel him in?

Hi again Chris -

I have another question I'd like to get some feddback on, you said:

"The letter tells him what he will need to do for reconciliation after the affair ends (and it will)."

I also read (somewhere on this site) that there are other reasons besides an affair for doing Plan B - like abuse. My husband is fooling around and is abusive (plus other problems like online porn addiction). But we are getting a divorce and I no longer want to try to save our marriage (a couple of decades is my limit I guess). So for me reconciliation would be what he needs to do (if his affairs, problems, addictions are eradicated) in order for me to feel it's safe for me to be in his presence, right? I guess you could say the only pay-off for him would be Plan B would end - I would allow contact with me again. Do you know of anyone else posting here with any experience doing a Plan B without the goal of restoring the marriage?

If you have NO plans of reconciliation, then you probably do not need a Plan B letter. Any restraining or court orders would take care of what he needs to do for visitation. If you don't want to talk with him, then don't. When he starts getting abusive, hang up.

You could write a letter along the lines of what you describe. Why you are refusing or limiting contact with him - his anger, violence, internet porn, serial adultery, dishonesty.
When he seeks counseling and you can verify directly with the counselor that he is receiving treatment and having positive feedback, then you will CONSIDER resuming LIMITED contact with him, keeping in mind any court orders.

I've never had to deal with violence/abuse so I'm only speaking from a common sense approach and what I have read so you may want to contact directly any organizations that deal with these type of issues.

Hi Chris,

The restraining order expired and the court/mediation service didn't seem to get it why I wanted him to stay away from me. I felt really pressured by the mediator to cave in and let him pick the children up at my home. My lawyer said unless he does something to me again I can't get another restraining order. So for now he's only agreed to stay away temporarily (which we each define VERY differently - couple weeks in his mind, could be years for me). His comments consistently reveal he does not acknowledge that when and if I allow contact again it will be MY choice - not his. He apparently has a lot of support (family/lawyers/court/mediation) agreeing with him that I don't have valid justification to demand he stay away from me. And he claims that by refusing to let him come over I'm making visitation with the children a 'hardship'...

So, I'm thinking a Plan B letter may be a good idea before we head to court again. I doubt it will change my husband's thinking much but it might be successful in convincing the court/lawyers that his demand to have direct contact with me is inappropriate.