My dearest love,
Writing this letter is possibly the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do in my life.
First of all, I would like to take full responsibility and apologize for my part in creating an environment in which it was possible for you to have an affair. My role in the deterioration of our relationship is only too evident. I failed in showing you that you were indeed my first priority in life. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me most. I neglected to fulfill your most important emotional needs, and in doing so set the stage for another to fulfill them instead. I was selfish, foolish and ignorant. I was blind as to what was going on with you emotionally and I will have great difficulty ever forgiving myself for that. I helped to ruin our marriage. I can think of no greater crime, no greater pain. I hurt you badly, something I swore I would never ever do. The fact that it wasn’t intentional doesn’t matter. The damage was done. I only hope that one day you will see fit to forgive me.
I know I can’t change the past, only myself. I have worked very hard to do so and through counseling and a long hard look at myself I know that I have come a long way. I am of course not perfect and never will be. But my personal growth has matured by leaps and bounds in the last month. I feel it and others have seen it too. My relationships with my family, your family and friends have improved dramatically. All because of my new outlook and attitude. I definitely have become a better person and I am quite proud of who I am becoming. I only wish I didn’t have to discover these things in this way. I’ve learned so much recently about relationships and wish that I had the chance to apply my newfound wisdom to our marriage so that you could benefit from it. But, this is not to be. I can’t go on like this.
I respect that you want to find yourself, to discover who you are and to grow independently. And I feel for you. I know it must be hard being in the place you are emotionally and dealing with what you are. I’ve tried to put myself in your shoes and I certainly feel bad for you. The confusion and uncertainty you have mentioned are not easy things to deal with. In your search I really do hope you find happiness. You deserve to be happy. However I cannot condone your continued relationship with [OM]. Not only that, but it causes me the greatest emotional trauma I’ve ever known in my life. I’m sure you are aware of this, and yet you continue with your addiction to what he gives you, regardless of my feelings. I have nothing but the deepest love for you. I can forgive you. However, with every day that passes that you are with him, I feel my defenses rising up, little by little. The love I feel for you is being threatened. I won’t allow that. To preserve the love I still have for you I must separate from you. If I don’t protect myself from this pain you inflict upon me now, I fear that my love will slowly wither and die. For these reasons, I have decided that I must break all contact with you. No phone calls, no emails, no letters. Please respect my wishes. Do not attempt to contact me unless it is regarding our finances, which need to be worked out, or an emergency. If it’s an emergency, I will be there for you. But, for no other reason.
Until you choose to break all contact with your boyfriend and show that you have an honest desire to be with me and repair our marriage, I ask you again to respect my decision and not attempt to contact me. It’s too painful.
I so don’t want this. When I married you I thought for sure it was for life. If anyone tried to tell me that this was going to happen, that Danae, of all the impossible people, would cheat on me, I would have beat the hell out of them. I was so in love with you. I’ve been in love with you since the beginning, or I would have broke things off when I left for Bosnia. I’m still in love with you, more than ever. We had our good times and we’ve also had our bad times, but we always had each other and that’s what really mattered. I never wanted to hurt you, I never wanted any of this to happen. I wanted to grow old together, to raise a family together, to watch them grow and raise families of their own, to have all the kids and grandkids to our house for the holidays. I wanted to be happy, with you. You were the one I was always searching for, bumbling around in the world, hooking up with wrong person after wrong person. I finally found you, and now look. I’ve pushed you away, and worse, into the arms of another man.
I want so badly to rebuild our marriage, [W]. I want to commit myself anew and fully to the development of our new relationship. One in which we never hurt each other again. One in which all decisions are designed to make each other happy. A new marriage with a whole new standard. One we never thought possible. I know now that it is possible. I’ve met people who have done it. Who came out of the ashes and after coming to certain agreements and using a plan and techniques designed to make each other happy always, rose up, stronger than they ever dreamed. It can happen. I want that more than anything in the world, but you have made it very clear that you do not. And, since I can not do it myself, any further contact will only erode those feelings and hopes and dreams for our future together. There is a policy I learned of that I would be most enthusiastic about (if it weren’t for this of course). It’s called the Policy of Joint Agreement. It says that nothing is done without the enthusiastic agreement of both husband and wife. It’s brilliant! It throws selfishness right out the window. It sounds harder than it is of course. How do two people with two different viewpoints enthusiastically agree on everything, right? Well, there is an explanation, but this isn’t the time or the place, is it?
I realize that by doing this I may lose you forever. Believe me, it’s as sobering as staring down death in the desert. However, the longer I stay in contact with you the greater the risk of losing my love for you and what little respect you have for me as I am mostly just an annoyance to you now. Until things change, I see no other choice.
You’ll now have the ‘space’ you wanted. Space and time to figure out what you really want in life. These are things you need to discover on your own. You were right about that. I can’t tell you and I certainly don’t want to pressure you. I see the error of that bad habit now. Only too late, I’m afraid. No one can make your decisions but you. If you are going to leave him, only you can make that choice. I don’t want to make it for you anyway. Even if you wanted to come back afterwards, I wouldn’t want that. How would I know if you really wanted to be with me if you were forced to make a decision like that? No, I want you to choose on your own. Only then would I be able to talk with you about making some changes that would help rebuild our marriage into what it should be; a loving, caring, and safe environment, where our motivators are always each other. Where we are aware of each other’s emotional needs and fulfill them daily. Where our ‘Givers’ are in charge and not our ‘Takers’. That’s how we started, but somewhere down the line we lost that. When we started the giving was effortless. It could be again, but not as long as we are in this situation. Not as long as your emotional needs are being met by someone else.
Man, it’s so clear to me, after all this marriage counseling, how this all happened. In a word it was neglect. We failed to meet each other’s emotional needs and kept making ‘Love Bank’ withdrawals more and more until we got perilously close to the red. Then, after parting I made one last withdrawal that put my account with you below the threshold where bad things happen. And there was [OM], able to meet your emotional needs, like Affection, Sexual Fulfillment, Recreational Companionship, Physical Attractiveness, Financial Support and I’m sure Admiration, so that he quickly made so many Love Bank deposits that it reached the opposite threshold in no time and guided you into feelings of intimacy. He made you happy, I only brought you stress, just by being away even, and Love Busters like Selfish Demands, Disrespectful Judgments and Anger, all of which made huge withdrawals from my already suffering account in your Love Bank. The small deposits I was able to make from over here couldn’t even put a dent in the negative balance I had unwittingly created. At this point we were in a State of Conflict, but after our meeting in MN, where I screwed up even more through desperation and fear of losing you, you went into Withdrawal and there you are now. Not much hope, and nothing to do now but back away so I don’t get sucked into Withdrawal myself and lose all hope.
Well, I guess I’ve said what I had to say. I will say again, though, that I want to be your husband, your life-partner, your best friend, your protector, your favorite recreational companion, your confidant, your greatest support cheering you on in your victories and consoling you in your defeats, your caretaker and your partner in raising wonderful children. I want to be a man you can be proud to call your husband, just as I’ve been proud so many times of calling you my wife. I will leave you now, while I still love you dearly, while I can still remember all the good times that have been obscured for you now. I will continue to think about those times with fondness in my heart and I will remember the bad times as lessons, albeit very very costly lessons. I’ve learned from my mistakes and if someday you see me as someone worthy and deserving of a second chance, I’ll be there for you. You will always have my heart Danae. No one could ever replace you. You are one of a kind. You are simultaneously the best and the worst thing that has ever happened to me. That will never happen again with anyone else. I will forever cherish the memory of what we once meant to each other. I’ll never forget you. I love you with all of my heart.
God, I’m really not looking forward to this (to say the least). My life will be so empty without you, my achievements meaningless without your inspiration and support. My experiences are going to be hollow without you to share them with. This pain is unbearable!
But, I must do this to save worse.
No contact, save financial dealings and emergencies, unless the other man in your life is gone from it completely and you wish to discuss our possible future together with commitment and honesty.
I love you more than all the world.
Your devoted husband,
[Desert Wolf]
SO, ANY ADVICE, OPINIONS?
THANKS IN ADVANCE FOR ANY FEEDBACK
