This is my first post. I've followed Marriage Builders for a few months during Plan A. During Plan A, my husband moved out in January, but I continued to see him. It was actually going reasonably well for me, even though I knew he was seeing her. The other woman in this case is his former ex-wife. She has been ill and in this case I think it is emotional infidelity. At least with the space, when he was here, I felt he wanted to be with me.

A few weeks ago, he ended our relationship. I thought no need for Plan B, because he had made his choice. He continued to come over and be too helpful (I really am quite capable of taking out my garbage), so last week I sent him a no contact letter, and in this letter I stated that if we were to resume our relationship, it would have to be exclusive. I had not made the ulimatum during Plan A, but now that he's ended Plan A, I'm not going back. He called on Saturday after calling in advance to pick up something. I hadn't heard the message so I was here. Within a few minutes, he was sharing something quite emotional with me, a car that he had had test drove and thought maybe I would want to go with him. I replied No. He went on a trip and called me this morning. I wasn't here. I could tell again that he wanted to share some of his experiences with me.

Any thoughts? I went to plan B because it seemed like Plan A hadn't worked. Making this marriage work is my first choice. Do I play hard ball plan B, or allow some contact? My intuition is no contact, but I very much want to talk to him. Sometimes I wonder if we couldn't just be friends, but I can't really see how it would work.

I'm new here, but it's my impression that if you layed down the conditions of a plan B letter clearly, and that would include not contact unless the OP was gone (right?), then if he hasn't met that condition, you stick with your plan.
Did that make any sense at all? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I would take it as a good sign though that he is still interested in you on some level. Perhaps it will be enough to encourage him to leave OW. I guess it may if Conversational Needs aren't being met by OW and they could be by you if only he left her. Who knows. Is that one of his chief ENs?
If so, that would be very encouraging I would think.
But, as I said, I'm new here.
Good luck.

I went to plan B because it seemed like Plan A hadn't worked
That is not why you go to Plan B. Plan B is when YOU can no longer maintain youtself around him (starting to LB).

If you go to Plan B to try & "force" the parter into a decision, it may backfire.

now that he's ended Plan A,
He is not in Plan A so he can't end it. It is something you are doing with no cooperation/help/agreement from him whatsoever.

Do I play hard ball plan B, or allow some contact?
Plan B is no contact with very little room for modification. These plans should not be altered without specific guidance from a MB trained counselor. (Direct from Steve Harley)

I suggest you give Steve or Jenn Harley a call at MB 1-888-639-1639.

Without having the benefit of even knowing about Marriage Builders at the time, a decade ago I basically did something similar to plan B when my husband failed to stop contact with his girlfriend.

He had told me he had left her but they needed to continue 'platonic' contact over the phone (she lived in another state) in order to sell a motor hoem they had purchased together. He demanded that I leave the room, or he would leave the home to go to a payphone, in order to make those calls because it was 'none of my business' and he criticized me for being 'jealous' if I objected. Well, this went on for a couple of months...

He had been laid off from his job and we were down to our last $300. The tiny dump we had moved into after he got laid off was $300 per month rent. So was the motor home payment. We argued about which should get paid - OUR rent or THEIR motor home payment. My husband had never really minded paying anything late in the past (or since) but insisted the motor home payment not be late.

I talked to her family and found out that she wasn't even trying to sell the motor home, hadn't even advertised it, and was holding it for him because they were planning on getting back together again. Her parents had taken possesion of the motor home and were refusing to give it to her because they knew she would give it to him instead of selling it. They wanted her to stop contact with my husband and had been feuding with her about it. They couldn't sell the motor home themselves because the title was in her name. He had told her that he was still trying to get rid of me and the children but that I was forcing him to stay. When I confronted him with this he didn't deny it. He did an 'I don't have to take this treatment' drama and drove the 9 hours to her house.

I left with my children and we were separated for several months.

When he wanted to get back together I insisted that this time he REALLY break it off with her. I also said he would have to go to counseling - he promised he would. He agreed to write a letter to her breaking it off for good. He did but the first draft was sappy sweet, full of apologies to her and compliments about how sweet she was and how she deserved better treatment and was totally innocent... I pointed out to him that her family had tipped me off that even though he had lied to her she knew full well that he wasn't really separated from me and that she was purposely campaigning to lure a married man away from his family. (I realized it stroked his ego to believe he was 'man' enough to lure a supposedly innocent virtuous woman into adultery, but it simply wasn't true.) He rewrote the letter minus all the flattery and I sent it.

He didn't do the counseling as promised (just two sessions a couple years ago). Recently he tried to claim that I had 'forced' him to get back together with him and 'dictated' that letter.

I'm not a counselor, I'm admittedly bitter, and I can't brag of any success in my marriage, but I'd strongly recommend that you REALLY cut off ALL contact with him unless he can clearly demonstrate that he has dropped her and is getting counseling. You informed him that's what you expected, right? Every time you talk to him or allow him to come over you are telling him that he can have his cake and eat it too.

My husband is extremely delusional and honestly believes that after all he's said and done to me he is entitled to call me or come over. Even when there was a restraining order in place he argued with me and criticized me for not allowing him to come over. (He obeyed the restraining order only because if he got arrested for violating it he would lose his security clearance and VERY well-paying career.) He seems incapable of understanding that I have a right and ample justification for NEVER wanting to talk to or see him again.

The point I want to make (I'm done ranting - I promise LOL) is that part of the reason his thinking got so warped was my letting him get away with taking me for granted, not enforcing ultimatums, allowing him to back out of promises. You might at times feel more generous or forgiving, you might at times really be enforcing it because of anger or bitterness, regardless, you must be consistent. Not to demean the adulterous spouse, but it's sort of like disciplining children. If you're not consistent and allow your feelings du jour to affect your resolve, they won't respect you. In standing firm you may lose him permanantly to his adultery partner - there's no guarantee what he will chose. But if you allow him to keep you and commit adultery (whether physical or emotional) you are forfeiting any possibility of a succesful marriage and giving away your choice in the matter.

He's testing you and you're caving. You're continuing to satisfy his emotional needs, teaching him how little attention and consideration he needs to direct your way away from his selfish adultery.

Thank you Desert Wolf, thank you icedancer. Your insights seem quite right.

I'm going to take Chris' suggestion and call to make sure that I understand the implications of Plan A and Plan B.