I've read plan A but not sure how to work on it. My H left me 3 1/2 months ago because he said he didn't love me and wanted to be free. He said he had not left for OW but started dating one right after he left. (yeah right) He recently spoke to a friend Pastor of ours and told him that this OW was not in his life anymore. I've only seen him about 3 or 4 times since he left. We've never really talked about our situation and our feelings. We've emailed a few times but they were pretty mean emails. The only time I've ever begged him was the actual night he left. I really want to make this M work but he has always felt pressured by me so I've decided not to have contact with him anymore. Is that the right thing to do? Now, how can I work on Plan A when I don't even talk to him? Should I talk to him and tell him how I feel? I'm afraid of hearing more rejecting words from him. Any advice?

Do check out my oldie, but goodie...
Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)

It's been a while since I've replied or posted.

With the anniversary of marriage being 15 years ago... 2 days ago...
...and hoping for all to avoid the heartache of divorce (I unfortunately had to take that route)...

Do all you can in building your own Plan A!

Do e-mail... but nothing nasty... everything in love...
Let irreverent replies run off your back...
Contact by snail-mail has the advantage of letting words/feelings sink in more slowly.

Patience with persistance can go a long way.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim/NSR

Thank you so much NSR! Your detailed Plan A has helped me understand it alot better. You have such a positive attitude about everything. Hearing others say stuff like that so positively makes me feel so much better. I've been reading a book called - Hope for the Separated - by Gary Chapman and it's helped so much. Last Friday I came to the chapter where it talked about Developing a Relationship with your Mate. He suggests on this chapter to confront your spouse. To make a list of your failures in the marriage and present the list to them and ask for forgivness. I was a bit hesitant about doing this but I prayed to God about it. I know that we shouldn't be testing God but I did that night. I asked him to show me if this is really what I needed to do with my H to have him call me. (He's called me one time since he left) I would take that as a sign and as an opportunity to ask him to meet. At about 6:10pm (CA time) my home phone rang and it was my H. He just wanted to know if I had found his shoes. I, of course, did as I had told God and asked him if we could meet. He wanted to know what for but I just said that I needed to talk to him. We didn't set a day yet but he will call me back this weekend. I'm so nervous. I want to do things right but I do know that God will guide me. I DEFINITELY want to Plan A. As you said in another post "Plan A is not for wimps" and I am definitely NOT a wimp. Thank you so much for your encouraging and helpful advice. I hope that everything goes well in our meeting. I'll let you know after. I do not expect him to make a decision right then and there but I will be patient and let him really think about it. I think that one of the main problems in our marriage was lack of communication. I believe I've changed alot in these past 3 1/2 months. I read someone's signature line that said something like....If you've come to this site, don't expect it to help change your spouse, but expect for YOU to change. That is just so true. I've done alot of reading and that is one phrase that every author agrees with. In order to see change in your spouse, you must change first.

Sorry, I went on and just rambled. As you can tell, I've learned alot to express my feelings. I've always had a problem with bottling them up and then they would just eat me up inside. I think that's what happened with my H. He never told me he was unhappy. He just held everything in until he couldn't any longer and by then had found someone who he could express himself to. And of course, that was OW. Well, I'll stop now so others can reply and comment to everything I've said here. Thank you all!

Well, I'm meeting with H in about 2 hours!

I am so nervous. It's weird to think that I am nervous to be around the person that I fell in love with almost 6 1/2 years ago and have been married to almost 5 years. This is the first time I'll be telling him how I feel. This is the first time that I'll let him know that I want things to work out for us. I'll be admitting that I have failed in this M as well and I'll be asking for forgivness. I know this will probably not make him change his mind but at least I'll know I have given it a try. I don't think he is with OW anymore. He told a friend of ours 2 weeks ago that he was not seeing OW anymore but he still didn't want anything with me. His plans are to move out of state. I know that he is still under the Fog and I am definitely not going to do any begging. I need to show him that I am strong and that I have been living my life as best as possible even with out him.

He's been living with his mom for about 1 1/2 months now. I keep a good communication with her. She's been very supportive with me and we've grown to be good friends. We didn't do much talking before all this happened but I truly thank God for all her support and encouraging words on not giving up.

For all you out there that pray...Please pray for me. I'm really scared of being told that I am not wanted at all again. (but this time face to face) But I know that I can't just run away from my fears. I need to face them and be STRONG. And I also know that if he says cruel stuff again, it's most likely Fog Talk.

I really want to work on Plan A but I think it's just a bit confusing. I know that the main purpose of it is to make him stop his A but without any harsh words to each other and stuff. But what if he's already ended it? How do I Plan A then? We haven't been living together for almost 4 months now. Any advice on how I can still use Plan A when we don't really communicate? If things go ok tonight, I hope to at least be able to communicate with him more ofter. Even if it's just to say hello and see how he's doing. Or is that pushing it?

Another thing that I haven't posted about is my Mother. I was 21 when we got married and he was 19. She did not like him from the day we started dating. One time she even confronted him and told him that she did not want him for her daughter. That he was not worth anything and would not be able to offer me anything. (he's a HS drop-out) About two months back she actually saw him out on the road with OW and she was VERY angry at him. (she pulled up next to him and he was very shocked to see her and just drove away) She called him up on his cell and literally told him off. He got very upset at that and has been very angry at her. My mother has always been an extremely negative person and does not help much in this whole situation. I'm an only child and my parents have always been EXTREMELY strict with me. (no, I am NOT spoiled) My mother always made decisions for me and my H used to get mad at that. When H left, we had been living with my parents for about 1 year already. (me moved in to save up some money and try to get a house - but that never happened) I know for a fact that even if he did want to try to make things work in our M, he would NEVER even consider moving back in here with my parents. I've even thought of moving out but I can't afford anything here in Cali on my own. (it's so expensive!!!) I make pretty good money but still have alot of bills to pay.

Well, I really don't know where this is all headed to. (my post here) I guess I just wanted to tell a little more of my story. If anyone has any advice or has been thru a similar situation, please give some input. I've read alot of posts and I realize that in many ways, they are all pretty similar. I guess this also just helps me get my feelings out. Thank you all who take the time to read and reply. May God always bless you!

I'm off to get ready! Pray for me!

I'll keep you posted when I get back.

I really don't have any advice but you will be in my thoughts...let us know what happens! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank You Junebug.

Things went......OK.

I met him at a restaurant and we had dinner over pretty basic conversation. Just catching up on what's happening around us. After we were done eating I told him what I had called him to meet for. He just sat there in silence the entire time. His eyes would get kind of red at times but no tears or anything. I gave him a list of some of my failures in the M and asked him to forgive me. I made him take it with him. I told him everything about how I've felt (hurt, angry, disappointed....etc), what I thought of all of it, how I've forgiven him and how I would like to work on finding answers to our problems if he was willing. He just sat there and didn't say anything. I guess that's kind of good, 'cause he could have said some painful words and been mean to me but he didn't. He just sat in silence and stared at me as I talked. When we walked out, he turned to me and asked me to do him a favor. My heart was pounding so hard 'cause I could already hear him say something like..."Don't contact me again"......but he didn't. He asked me to Pray for him. He's been having trouble with some guy (I'm guessing it has something to do with OW) and he was about to go pick a fight with him. I told him to be careful and let him know that he did not have to go there but he didn't say anything. I just told him I'd pray for him. About half an our later I called him to make sure he was ok. He said he was fine but didn't sound too convincing. I asked him if he was hurt but he said, "No, not me". The other guys was though. I don't know what kind of problems he's getting himself into but I do think it's definitely something to do with OW. I thought he wasn't seeing her anymore but looks like he might still be. It didn't bother me so much though because I do know that all I've said to him tonight will be in his mind and he will think about it all. I've done my part now in letting him know how I feel and I did NOT cry. I wanted to so bad but instead I would just take deep breaths and keep going. I just cried a bit after he left. I feel so much strength now. Thank you all for everything. I'll keep you all posted with any other stuff happening.

Thanks for the prayers.

I also pray for ALL of you here!

Is it good that he didn't respond to what I said? I was just glad that he wasn't mean to me. He could have told me again that he didn't want anything to do with me or he could have asked again for his stuff. I see all that as good signs but I don't want to mis-interpret anything. Comments please!

Hello Hopeful

I think you did great at the restaurant! Of course what you said will stay in his mind - but most of all the way you acted! I'm sure you surprised him by being calm, kind and determined to do what you came for without crying. I see his respond as a positive sign and a tiny step in the right direction.
I'm not sure I would have called him to hear if he was OK after the 'fight' though (if it was me)... I would have waited for him to call me... but then again - you never know.

Take care - you'll be OK <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank You Danish!

I've always had a problem of not being able to express my feelings. I always bottled them up. He did the same. He had not been happy in the marriage but never said anything about it. I recognize that I have faults and that he is not the only one to blame for our problems. Just for the fact that I confronted him this way and told him what I needed to say, is a GREAT change in my personality. I'm the kind of person that would rather run away than face. I've always been a very shy person and he wasn't too happy with that. I constantly had him doing stuff for me and it got to the point where he was just annoyed by it. I remember the last time we went to the store, I couldn't find what I was looking for because it had recently been remodeled. I walked up and down every aisle but refused to ask anyone for help. I was shy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I remember asking him to ask someone for me (which he usually does after a bit of begging) but that time he refused. He just kept following me all around the store until I found what I was looking for. I think it took about 20 minutes to do so. Wasn't that dumb? I sure think it is now. I can honestly say that has changed. Not only because I don't have him with me anymore to ask but because I've recognized my fault and have worked on it. I want him to be able to see that I am changing. My only problem is that I don't know how to show him this if I don't see him.

After talking to him 2 days ago, do you think I should contact him again? Perhaps just to say hello or something? Or should I just leave him alone for a while?

I called him that night because I was really concerned. He said this other guys was alot bigger than he was and in the city we live in, it's horrible when it comes to gangs. I didn't wait for him to call 'cause I know he wouldn't have.

The continuation of this story is found in my new thread...."He Responded!!! Please HELP!!!"

I'm still a bit confused about Plan A. Does anybody have any suggestions on what I can do? or perhaps just share what YOU did?

Ok. I think I understand it now.

I'm working on ME. I'm focusing everything on making ME happy and not thinking so much about him. Of course, I think of him EVERY day but I don't let it bring me down. I'm currently looking into getting my own apartment. Luckily I make good money and can afford it. He never really liked living with my parents but we couldn't afford our own place back then. NOW, I can afford it all by myself. I'm going to show him that life with him is good, but that life without him is still OK. He needs to see changes in my. He's already seen my once and even complimented the new color of my hair. That's a PLUS in Plan A. Before, I always used to ask him what he thought of my hair and if I colored it and his response what always something like...."It's your hair, do whatever you want". But now I got a "Nice Change" from him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

It's tough since we don't really talk but I know that the word about me gets around (good of course) and I'm happy with that. Thanks!

Hopeful98,
I have been in a similar situation for the past 18 months. My H has been having an open affair and it has been very difficutlt. My daugher who is just 4 has been brought into the web of adultry by my H and she know s that the OW is his girlfriend. Image trying to explain to your 4 year old that it isn't right what he is doing without tainting her. Well any how, I am replying to your postings. Be careful not to do what I did for the first (almost) year. I thought I was doing things for myself but then realized I was really still doing them for him. I would bend over backwards to do things for him and then try to convince myself that it wasn't for him but for me. Wrong. He filed for D in 3/03 and the process has begun. I have repeated stated that I do not want the D and made sure it stated in my reply to the D papers that were served. My paperwork is completed for the court his is now late. What I have done to correct the error of my ways as painful has it was at the begining. Is to make sure that I am doing things for myself. The paperwork for one - completed and filed, I no longer have it hanging over my head. Hair colored for me, I don't really care if he likes it or not, I do. I maintain the "warm" home front when he returns home for Sun-Thursday nights. Friday after he is done at work he goes to OW house for Fri & Sat nights. I don't plan thing around the maybe he will be around. I take my daughter to places that her and I enjoy if he wants to go fine if not we still go. He choose not to attend her dance recitial - she will only be 4 once and you can't get that time back. It would have cut into his weekend with OW. He did attend her preschool graduation - this could be hidden from OW because it was on a Friday when he would have been at work. This way he could keep it for her he doesn't tell her of any family things (what little) they are. I'm off track here but ramble, ramble.

Bottomline - Make sure you do for yourself not for him. Think about what you are doing and make sure that in the back of your mind it is not just for him. I've been married for 17 years and have been in love with him since I was 8 years old. We grew up together so for 34 years he has always been around one way or another. It is hard but don't compromise yourself. You will survive no matter what the out come is.

Faith and Prayer is your greatest avenue for overcoming this hard time.

Thanks for you reply.

I'm lucky not to have any children. I'm sorry your daughter has to be involved in something like this. This is all definitely very difficult. Yes, I have thought of making sure I'm doing things for myself and not really for him. I does get a bit confusing at times. I was so used to always doing things for him that it takes a bit to break that habit. (even though he's not around anymore) I did dye my hair and I did do it a color that I like (and he never liked before) but he still complimented me on it. I did it for ME. I realized that I was not going places when invited (at first) because I always wanted to be home just in CASE he would call or wanted to come over and talk. I've realized now that I can't be putting my life on hold for him. I've got to live it as best as I can and enjoy myself (even without him).

Yes, Faith and Prayer is our greatest avenue for overcoming this hard time. Thanks for reminding me.

I pray that God will be with your family as well and guide you thru this tough time.