I have been reading the postings started by wothatry beginning last Nov. about contacting the OP and contacting the OP's spouse. I wanted to share my story and also ask for advice. My husband of 27 years is a professor of music and travels to NYC often for professional reasons where he stays with an old friend of ours; he attends many performances there and has students who perform on Broadway, etc. Anyhow, I was not always able to go with him on these trips which became increasingly frequent in the winter/spring 2002. I was pretty sure something was going on in NYC, but I was swamped with my own work and actually welcomed time-off from him. I discovered the affair in early October, the night before he was going off to NYC again when I looked in his suitcase and found printed copies of 2 e-mails -- one with a hotel reservation and the other with a run-down of the coming year and when he planned to get together with her.

Once I knew there was someone there, I e-mailed our good friend in NYC and asked him who this was. He covered for my husband, but told me her name and that she was devoted to her husband of 25 years. While my husband was gone I went to his office and uncovered a diary he had written detailing the whole affair which had begun in Dec. 2001. I xeroxed it all and then threw it away after I read it.

I tried to live with this and think that it would blow over eventually but it drove me crazy. He had told me he did not love me any more but he wanted to stay together for our 9th grade daughter (his parents divorced when he was in high school).

After the Oct. weekend D-day I knew he was planning more and I decided to try to thwart his next trip to NYC which I was able to do by planning some other family events for that weekend. But one night when I needed to use his cell phone, I noticed a call received from a 212 area code and I called the number. It was the OW's office; I left a very short and simple message stating who I was and that I knew what was going on and I wondered what her husband would say if he knew also.

Needless to say the s--- hit the fan the next day and my H was very angry. She broke it off with him on the spot. (Dr. H and I have now talked about this and he thinks that might have been because H had lied to her and told her I didn't care or she was trying to protect her own marriage). H and I talked a bit about it -- he was clearly devastated and sad but not apologetic and he seemed inclined to try to improve things with me. So he went around depressed and morose for a few weeks and we did seem to have reconciled some, but it was clear that he wanted to continue it with her.

In late January he had to go to NYC for work and I could not join him; after his return he was once again quite cold towards me and I was suspicious things had picked up again, although he denied it. He went to NYC again in April and I know he was planning to go there again in early June which made me really suspicious that something more was going on -- either a renewal of the A or someone new. So I went to his office and saw an open e-mail which made it clear he had talked with OW the previous day and they were still in intimate contact. So I sent her an e-mail asking her to cease contact with my husband.

Once again the s--- hit the fan. He told me that she was going to tell her H and that if I contacted her or her H again she would file harassament charges against me. (I had only sent her one benign e-mail message and left one voice mail message). Anyhow, he finally agreed to try some counseling and we just had a few sessions with Dr. H -- but my husband is skeptical and does not believe counseling can work, so I am not sure what will come of that.

Now H is in Italy and I will join him in a few days for 4 weeks. I want to try to work on restoring our relationship even if he will not, but I have to assume he is still in contact with her. My question is -- at this point should I just ingore the A and the OW even though I know he is still in love with her and trying to contact her or should I contact her or her husband again with details about the A? I do not have access to his e-mail and Dr. H told me to assume the affair was continuing unless I saw definite proof otherwise, which so far has not happened. I am considering writing her either an e-mail or letter telling her I have access to his e-mail and phone and if she contacts him again I will tell her H details about their A, including her visit to my hometown last April and her visit to my H in Italy last summer.

The bottom line here is that it has seemed to be effective in my cse to contact the OW with civility as it has twice seemed to end the affair. But in the end I am not sure how effective it has been since he still longs for her and I cannot prevent their communication and he has not yet indicated a commitment to trying to reconcile.

advice is welcome!

OK, let me start with warning you that I'm probably not a good one to get advice from...

I had no success whatsoever getting my serial adulterer husband to behave LOL. We are getting a divorce.

But I'm pretty sure I read somewhere on this site that the betrayed spouse should be told about the affair. Her husband has a right to know. I'm just not sure if it's advisable for you to be the one who tells him?

In any case, doesn't this site also advise that if the adulterer doesn't stop all contact you should do a Plan B letter and stop all contact with your adulterous spouse?

It sounds to me like the s--- hits the fan, and the affair temporarily cools, BECAUSE she doesn't want her husband to find out. It sures sounds as if the reason your husband gets so angry is because you've successfully, albeit only temporarily, stopped them by threatening to tell. There's no guarantee they'll end the affair if her husband finds out. But it sounds unlikely they'll end the affair if he's kept in the dark.

My husband has tried a similar tactic (although his adulteress wasn't married). He (and his adulteress) were enraged at me for butting into something they said was none of my business. Hmmmph! Basically he's telling you to butt out and oh sure he'll toss in a lie that he's done with the affair if you insist... and believe... But neither of them are taking their spouses feelings or rights into consideration. If they can get you to back off and allow them to continue the affair by acting angry - that's what they'll continue to do. So even without the worry of her spouse finding out, they will use anger to get you to leave them alone.

Again, I don't know if it's a good idea for you to be the one to tell her husband (I would!) But you have warned them that was what you would do. Obviously they don't believe you'll go through with it. So maybe you should do it because they've been warned and chose to continue the affair anyway? Or maybe you can put it in a Plan B letter that you need to see proof that the affair has ended and her husband has been told before you'll have further contact with your husband?

Here's a thought:

They are angry because you say you will contact her husband and tell him something they have no moral justification for keeping secret from him...

yet she can not only contact your husband, tell him things kpet secret from you, but sleep with him too?

yea, right... I'd definitely tell him.

What if he were the one to find out first? Wouldn't you want him to tell you? ESPECIALLY if he had already warned them TWICE to knock it off or he'd tell you, but they were back at each other again!

Who are THEY to tell you who you can contact and what you can say to him?!?