I have been seperated from wife since January. Together 11 years, 3 children 14, 6, and 3. She did this because she needed her space. Actually it turned out to be for a male "friend" who was a shoulder to cry on as we had difficulties in our relationship. Lack of time together, displays of affection, etc...
She has seen him since then and of course he is more than a friend now. I have done plan A with a few slip ups with anger, judgements, and negative comments about the other man. None lately.
We have had serious relationship conversations the entire time which results in her either saying she needs more time, is confused or telling me to move on. Most recently it was to move on, that she wants to be friends and spend time together but that it doesn't mean anything. As soon as I begin to move on, somewhat initate plan B by backing off quite a bit (no letter) she reacts, gets upset and calls me up telling me I am causing her pain, expressing how she was selfish in leaving and that she should have never confided in anyone else. So I let myself back on the string so to speak, wait some more and continue plan A. Her friends say that she doesn't really want me to move on. She says that she still loves and cares for me. We spend a little time together, drinks, occasional dinner, conversations on the phone and in person. No sex, just occasional hugs, pecks on the cheek etc...
During this time she has told her friends who I communicate with that she see's that I am changing, still loves me and has thoughts of working things out. She expresses that she may be making a mistake by rejecting me but that she does not "trust" me in the sense that my changes are real and lasting. She tells me that she feels like she doesn't know me because of how different I am acting. Basically the loss of her and my family rotating between households caused me to look deeply into my faults and realize things. I have told her that but to no avail at this point.
Her friends tell me to give her time and that she is thinking. My resolve for plan A is dwindling and I'm beginning to wonder if I am allowing her to have her cake and eat it to or if meaningfull progress is being made. Things are much better then they were and her friends tell me that she is thinking about me more and expressing concerns about traits this other guy has but she still is seeing him and not moving towards me. I guess actions speak louder than words. So should I plan A some more and go to B? Any opinions are appreciated.

I have a few questions. You say that you have been separated since January; that your wife needed her space; and that this was realy about her having time for another man. Is her affair sill going on? Is she allowing this other man access to you children?

Since you two are not living together, I think that you should institute Plan B. Sever all contact until she decides that the relationship with the other man is over and she is ready to come back home to you.

I wish things like this didn't happen when children are involved. It just isn't fair to them. I am a child of divorce, I'm in my late thirties, and it still sucks. I don't think that people realize the damage that they can do to their children by divorcing.

I really feel for you, and your kids. I hope you and your wife can somehow bring your lives back together. You owe your children your hardest try.

now what,

Since you have kids ... you owe it to them to keep it in plan A. You end plan a if and only if you can't stop LB'ng or she rejects your plan A (i.e. you address all the issues and she acknowledge it and she still hook on A). Plan A actually got nothing to do with WW's current actions/behaviors. It feels like doormat ... it is !. You have to do it for your kids and for yourself (down the road, you will not have regret walking out from this M). You have to thread the line of boundry. She would push it and you could push it back too ... as long as it is not LB.

Focus on your financial security ... increase your basic need (expenses) and decrease your income ... this is Dv economic 101. Focus on getting more time with your kids ... whatever is temporary the court would not change it for you unless there is reasons ... and it is you the one who have to prove it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> . At this point I would consult lawyer ... not to file but to get advice !.

-rh-