Hi Everyone.

I need advice about my situation. My husband and I have been in a relationship for over 9 years. We got married last August. This is my second marriage, his first. I have three kids from my first marriage, none with my current husband. I'm 44, he's 43. He was the first person I dated after my divorce. I've been having an A since November, the first one I've ever had. My husband is an alcoholic as defined on MB. I have had ongoing issues with the drinking during the entire period of our relationship. He is professional, has a college degree, rarely misses work because of the drinking, doesn't drink every day, no alcohol in the house, etc. The problem is his entire family drinks. He spends a lot of time with them drinking. So much so, that I have felt neglected for a very long time.

Please don't ask the obvious, why did I marry him. I married him because I love him and plan to spend the rest of my life with him. I've never, ever wanted to cheat on him, lose him or leave him. I never expected to meet this other person. I never expected to feel the way I ended up feeling. If I had met him before my wedding, I would have called the whole thing off.

I cannot justify or excuse the A. I can only say that I have felt worthless for a long time. I didn't realize how starved I was for love and affection until the OM came along. He is someone I work with and have very strong feelings for. He is not looking for a relationship. I met him in person in February and slept with him twice. He also lives 1238 miles away, although the distance doesn't seem to help keep me away from him. We talk to each other at work on IM and at home on YIM. Not even every day.

I love both my husband and the OM. My husband knows about the A. I have told him everything. I want to stop talking to the OM and I am so afraid that I'll go back to being worth nothing to my husband. I have tried everything to get him to make me a priority over the years and nothing has worked. In the typical alcohol scenario, I am too "controlling". It took me having an A for me to figure out that there was nothing wrong with me! I love my husband very much, but I have a lot of resentment toward him now. He left Sunday because I needed time for myself. I cannot promise him that I won't talk the OM, see the OM or sleep with the OM...any more than he can promise me to stop drinking. We've been talking on the phone every day, the husband and I. I was on the MB all morning this morning reading everything I could. It is true that alcohol is just as much a mistress as another woman, because it robs the relationship of everything important...security, affection, respect, love. The only problem is I can't compete with it. No way, no how, no longer.

I told my husband today that I would stop seeing the OM if he would quit drinking. He wants to make the marriage work as much as I do. He made a counter-offer: He will quit drinking if I stop seeing the OM, and get therapy for why I spend money. That's a no-brainer...for the same reason I'm having an affair! I am unloved, neglected, I have no self-esteem with him, and I don't measure up to his expectations. I feel that we need to take baby steps. This is the very first time I've actually had him talk about the drinking. He normally totally tunes me out or like I said, I'm being controlling. I stopped complaining about the drinking, not coming home all night, not calling three years ago to show him I wasn't controlling. He didn't care. He didn't change. Now I'm figuring out I withdrew from the relationship. I need to add that the alcohol isn't the only problem. We have sex on a regular basis which is fine, but when I need affection like a hug, he physically pushes me away. That too has been that way all along. Some advice please would be appreciated. I'm afraid that I've given him so many chances, that I don't trust him to do anything this time. He's not admitting he has a drinking problem and I can't force him too. Any thoughts on my situation would be very much appreciated...Thanks!

hi continue reading the things here..

have you gone to any alanon meetings?

I think it would be something to look into.
I hope things go better for you. you both need to work on yourselves..somene else will come along who knows more on your situation then I do..hugs.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks for your encouragement. Yes, I did attend some group therapy sessions 4 years ago after my H's sister died and there was the normal week long Irish drinking thing for her funeral. I became very depressed just going, seeing women who were in their 50's and 60's still dealing with the same issues...humiliation, little self-esteem, not much hope left, but still trying. If I had continued going to the meetings, I probably would have ended up leaving him. I was looking at my not to distant future. His entire family (parents, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins) go on a family vacation for a week EVERY year. Not to mention, he sees his family constantly, even though his parents and two of his sisters live out of state. His parents will be here next week as a matter of fact. His two sisters were just here a couple of weeks ago. And the family vacation is planned in September. I have always objected to his going in the past, even when we weren't married because I know that all they do is drink the whole time. There are 6 kids in his family. He is the only boy. Every one of them is college educated and they all have good jobs. They are quiet, unassuming, non-judgemental people. His father quit drinking years ago after a doctor told him it was either that or he would be dead in 10 years. His mother still drinks. They can all drink you under the table and still be walking. My H got his first DUI two years ago. He was pulled over because his headlight was out! He kind of slowed down drinking then, but now if he's out drinking, he won't come home. He stays at his sister's. He doesn't want to get stopped, so he just doesn't come home. When we got married last summer, he wanted to have a normal wedding. People came from all over the country, not so much to see us get married, but because it would be a big drunk fest. Like college days all over again. The Drunken Big Chill. And we got married on a Thursday night! Out of the six kids in his family, only one was married in her 20's. Two are still unmarried, although one lives with a SO, the other two did not get married until one was in her 40's and the other, her late 30's. Her husband moved her up to Juneau, AK to get her away from all the drinking. He won't even come to visit with her. I want to go back to loving my husband the way I used to. I have no interest in being with the OM, although I would like to see him to say good-bye. I need that closure because he has made me feel very special at a time when I really needed it. I always feel like there's a reason people come into our lives. I think he came into mine to make me realize that I was lovable. I never felt like that with my H until I told him about the A. And that's another reason he came into my life, so that I would finally feel like my H loved me. It's just sad that things had to get to this point for my H to sit up and pay attention. The only thing is that I am angry with him because I feel like the only reason he's trying now is to keep from losing me to another man. I have put so much love into this relationship with my H. I am trying to work through the anger I feel, trying to be glad that he's trying now, but it's very hard. I'd almost rather go back to living on my own. Without him, without the OM.

honey_pie822 it's totally natural that you have resentment because you beleive that he is only trying to change so as not to loose you, BUT remember that he too may be feeling resentment in that he may beleive that you only want him because the OM is not looking for a relationship with you and thus he is your second choice. Resentment is instinctual, as well as poisonous, and marital success with the MB principles requires BOTH of you to follow rules that are counter-instinctual, and unless BOTH of you commit to follow The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage and put your Taker and Giver on a leash, the chances of your marriage surviving are slim at best. I hope that you and your H will truly commit to faithfully follow those rules (which are also found in the Harley books 'Surviving An Affair', 'Love Busters', and 'His Needs Her Needs') because they will not only help heal your M but turn it into one a happy one for the two of you.

<small>[ June 13, 2003, 12:12 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

OK, first of all I want to warn you that I did not manage to salvage my own marriage, so take that into consideration if you take my advice LOL.

My husband is a serial adulterer and shameless flirt.

Early in our marriage I tried to tell myself his flirting was OK, harmless (before I found out about the affairs). If I did indicate I noticed what he was doing or objected to it, no matter how mildly, not really LBing, he would chastise me for being 'jealous'. I mean he had me so under his thumb, trying to please him, competing with other women, and afraid I'd lose him if I asserted my rights or expressed my feelings. He would even go out to lunch with other women, discuss their problems with their mates (including sexual complaints), and then he'd TELL ME about it! And I was supposed to just act as if that was normal. He kept in touch with his ex-wife even though they had only been married 12 months (6 months of which they were separated), had divorced years before he met me, they had never had any children together, she had remarried, and she lived in another state. Every now and then he'd just blurt out: "I was talking to Chris the other day..." I would usually respond, "Why?" or "Don't you think that's inappropriate?" and tell him how it made me feel. He would then tell me he had a life before me...

Anyway, after years of this sort of emotional abuse I had an affair. I'm not excusing it. His flirting and fooling around helped set me up for it but I take responsibility for making the (wrong) choice. It was just a one-night-stand on a business trip. He had been fooling around while I went on business trips for years and in fact was with another women that very night, but I still shouldn't have done it. I confessed it to him, explained what I thought led to it, gave him the option of leaving me or working to solve the problems in our marriage. His response was, "So what, I don't care, everybody does it"! We did not go to marriage counseling, he did not change, but I started working on myself and our marriage and never strayed again even though my husband continued to ignore, hurt, and cheat on me.

The point I'm trying to make (sorry so long - you still with me? LOL) is that even though he still had problems he never tried to fix and we are getting a divorce, I know I tried my best. It's bad enough when a marriage fails without suffering additional guilt because you know you could have done better. Just like me, you seem to understand why you strayed - the problems in your marriage that needed to be addressed. But now that you know why you did it the thing to do is to not use it as an excuse to continue. It sounds as if both you and your husband would be justified Plan Bing each other, giving ultimatums or making an 'I'll straighten up if you straighten up' negotiation. But even if he never changes, or only promises/pretends to change temporarily, you still should stop your affair. It will benefit YOU to solve your problems regardless of the effect on him or the marriage.

My husband didn't deserve a faithfull wife. I admit at times I felt like a doormat, like his fool. No doubt I should have left my husband sooner. If I knew then what I've learned from this site I would have Plan B'd a looooong time ago. But I have a sense of real pride and self-esteem that is so much more satisfying and comforting than the false pride and ego problems he suffers with. It's not about him anymore. I try to be the best person I can be - for me and my kids. He doesn't deserve me, failed to step up to the challenge, so he lost me. I won't negotiate with my self-respect or lower my standards for myself.

Thanks for the insight Icedancer...I guess I feel like it's my turn to have my cake and eat it too...sounds terrible doesn't...the old Taker in charge..lol.

Did you love the OP? I am head over heels...he's crazy about me so he says. But even if I could get him to commit to a relationship which he won't, I wouldn't want one based on lies, deceit and cheating.

The other thing is the emotional connection we have with each other and the startling things we have in common even though he lives in Ohio and I live in Colorado.

He actually got his marriage license in Denver in 1988. That's not so strange except I was working in that office at the time. He and his fiance came here and got married because her sister lived here...go figure! They divorced 5 years later...the same year I was divorced from my first husband. There are countless other things that he likes to call the twilight zone...but almost as if we were destined somehow...am I romantic or what? Geez, you'd think I was 16 instead of 44. When I say goodbye to him, I want to say it in person. He'll be back here in September. My DH and I are going on a cruise in August and then he's going on his annual family vacation in September. I'm not going to ask him to stop drinking until after that is all over with and we will agree to a deadline for me ending my affair and him ending his drinking. Starting all over so to speak.

I guess that in the 9 years we've been together, the drinking has robbed me of everything I deserve, we deserve. I have literally never been happier, and I want to give my DH the chance to keep me this happy.

I want to be walking the beach with him in 20 years. I don't see myself with anyone else. I think the affair was a huge wake up call for him and me both. He's realizing that he needs to show me that he loves me and for the first time in our relationship, I FEEL it. Thanks!