Hiya all, I'm new here and have been reading a lot of topics! First of all I wish I had found Marriagebuilders around three months when my WS confessed his affair and then disappeared a minute after confessing, to go and begin a new life with the OW, leaving behind his family (I and our two daughters).

Anyway while surfing through this website I noticed that there is a Plan A and a Plan B and I was wondering if I could start implementing Plan A into my situation, ( I wish I'd known about it as soon as he left me)!

Since my WS left we do still have contact, obviously because we have children. He has on occasion told me that he still has really deep feelings for me and I have also recieved phone calls from him telling me that he still loves me, that he is unhappy in his new life because he still loves me.....but he says he also loves OW too and that he was torn in two over us both. He did in one phonecall (four weeks after he left), ask to come home again. But I got the impression that he didn't think that things would ever be the same between us again and so he changed his mind. He was making these phonecalls as early as four weeks after leaving me and up until four weeks ago. I have recieved no more since then, so of course my hopes of us ever reconciling are fading and quickly.

Overall and given the circumstances we have remained quite friendly for the sake of the children. However those LOVEBUSTERS are a real problem for me and I feel like I am driving my WS away from me, rather than pull him towards me.
Last time I saw him I flipped because of his attitude towards me and angry words were exchanged. I threw the child support he gave me back into his face, told him I didn't need his money and I didn't need him - if he wants to see his children, go seek legal advice...yeah I know, awful of me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

He called three times that afternoon on the phone, I was still angry, heated words again were exchanged. I slammed the phone down on him and have heard nothings since. I know that by doing these things and acting this way that I am driving him further into OW's arms and maintaining the distance between myself and my WS.

However I know that he will be back in touch again when he thinks I've calmed down, as he always does after a few days, to ask about his kids and when he can see them.(he loves and dotes on them).

So any advice on how I can go about implementing Plan A would be of great help to me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Cheers all <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LBs are hard to avoid in the beginning. Read and post here at MB. Yes, you can do a Plan A. As you already know he will be calling soon, take care of youself and perhaps plan ahead what you will say.

As a FOW I can't give you much advice, bu I do believe you have a good chance of getting back w/ H - especially since he is so devoted to his kids. tew

Thanks tew! Yep those LB's are hard to avoid in the early days and are normal reactions I guess. In the first four weeks that he left I was doing ok, didn't blow up at him at all, then wham, after that I really let him see the anger. Weird thing is though when he saw my anger he had told me that he didn't think that I had cared so much about him, so showing some anger is good I guess, as long as it's kept to a minimum or else they will be running like hell in the opposite direction.

I thought that maybe I'd left it a little too late to begin Plan A, but then reading the posts some didn't devise a Plan A until a year or so after seperation and Plan B two years after seperation!!!

Actually have begun Plan A already. My daughter called him on the phone to wish him a happy fathers day because she asked too. He was overjoyed of course and then he had asked for me. I'd said 'tell your father I will call him sometime through the week', he insisted I came to the phone. Well he was crying and sobbing, he thanked me for letting our daughter phone him, how much it meant to him and how he'd thought I would have phoned earlier to say that she had a card for him. Well, I apologised for blowing at him the other day and told him that I would call him tomorrow to drop her Fathers Day card off and we said goodbye.

YEAHHH, the barrier is down again, guess now I gotta start to keep my cool :-p

As long as the communication remains open between you, there is always hope!

We did have a very rocky marriage btw, we argued and fought a lot, mostly it was all my fault too. So I have to get through to him that I have learned my lesson, I have changed and I recognise that I played a part in letting our marriage become the shambles it did. Maybe then he will start to reflect on where he was going in wrong in the marriage also.

But he in deep with OW btw, he lives with her. She is a hard habit for him to break so it appears. He has only known her for four months so it's still early days.

EdensSecret,

I only one advice for you ... everytime you want to LB'ed ... picture your WH in the arm of OW crying how awfull W you are ...

Every single bread crumb that he could give you is a loss for OW !. Let him be a cake eater while you sort out your plan A. You know you might have to do plan B ... but there are many BS that does an good plan A and get their WS back.

-rh-

FOUR MONTHS!!! It is too early for him to see the real her. I think you handled the call very well. Focus on you and daughter and continue to read and post here at MB. tew

Thanks again Tew and Redhat <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You know, in some ways I think I've been Plan A'ing without even knowing of it's existence....lol. Throughout our marriage I'd allowed myself to become really overweight, I didn't care about my appearance anymore, no longer wore makeup - I was a total mess, a homebody, I no longer socialised, stopped visiting friends and family, hadn't even drove the car in over three years!! I was greatly neglecting H, he wasn't getting the attention he needed and communication totally broke down. I'm ashamed to admit all of this now, but these two and a half months I have been working on ME!!

Gone is the weight, (I'm slimmer now than I was before I even met him 10 years ago) and he's noticed, I can tell!! I went and had a new hairdo, bought a new wardrobe of clothes and always take care with my appearance now. I'm out visiting friends and family more than I am in the home, I joined a gym, go swimming, am always driving around in the car - I am now the girl I used to be <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Shame it took his leaving for the girl I was to be set free again, but these days I feel so much better.

H has noticed, yeah, but even though he's noticed those changes he remains with OW. As you say though Tew, it's still early days, he is in the *honeymoon period* with OW. Guess we will just have to wait and see.

Meanwhile as I said, those LB's are letting me down I think and the LB's are what led to the breakup of our marriage. H said that he couldn't take the arguing anymore, hence why he is with OW - so I need to cool down, show him I have changed, that I am not the person I was at home.

Thanks for the tip btw Redhat <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Saw H this afternoon to drop our daughter and the meeting went fine. He asked how I was, I said 'I'm ok'. That was about all. He always looks so sad but perhaps that is just guilt.

I can't go along with PlanA in that I ask him to stop contact with OW because he is addicted to her, (honeymoon period), or so it seems, he lives with her now. Any suggestions as to what else I could include in Plan A?

I think I will allow another month for Plan A, then begin Plan B. I want to leave him at the end of Plan A with fond memories of me/he misses me then exchange it for Plan B <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by EdensSecret:
<strong>I think I will allow another month for Plan A, then begin Plan B. I want to leave him at the end of Plan A with fond memories of me/he misses me then exchange it for Plan B <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are a very fast learner ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ... at this point don't even ask for him to stop seeing OW ... he would ignore it anyway.

-rh-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by redhat:
You are a very fast learner ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ... at this point don't even ask for him to stop seeing OW ... he would ignore it anyway.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, he wouldn't stop seeing OW at this point. He has lived with her for three months now and has probably formed a stronger attachment to her over this period.

I have continued to work on myself despite this and have made many changes. He has noticed the changes I've made and I think, has been very surprised by it all - however he still remains with OW. It can be disheartening to know that even though one has made changes, it still doesn't appear to be enough to bring them home again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Sometimes I wonder if he is secretly pleased with my changes though, because it then makes him happier being with OW knowing that I can manage without him. It makes him happier in himself to have seen I can manage alone. My WS is the type of man who prefers a needy woman I think, a woman who relies on him for everything, a woman who looks up to him - he likes to be the boss. OW was a needy woman. She was in an abusive marriage and my H was the *knight in shining armour* who rescued her from her abusive marriage. He is very much, one of lifes *rescuers*.

Shame that his marriage isn't important enough for him to want to rescue.

EdensSecret,

Do you want your M ? ... you have to fillin his need to be a rescuer. Also you should look into his history ... most of rescuer has something missing in their life ... and as you know this would not last. Might be soon enough to salvage your M but it won't last. No one could fillin that void but him staring at the mirror and disecting why !!!!.

-rh-

RedHat

Hmmm, I'm not sure that I should show him that I am *needy*, because I was *needy* throughout our marriage. Read on and let me know what you think <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> All other opinions are welcome also.

My WS is very much one of lifes rescuers and seems to thrive on being *needed* for something or other, YES that much is true!. Whenever a friend would call, a friend who needed help - there he was dashing off into the sunset to help them out. He enjoyed playing the role of *saviour*, likes to be the kind of person who people can rely upon, the kind of person that people look up too. He particularly enjoys the attention he gets from playing *saviour* and helping others less fortunate than himself.

Throughout our marriage I had become almost dependant on him for everything, because at first this was the way he liked things to be, he enjoyed my being dependant upon him. Because I became so dependant on him, I stopped doing things for myself, hence I became a *needy* person!! He did EVERYTHING, from changing a light bulb to putting a new plug on an electrical appliance. He used to often say that he didn't know how single women managed to live alone without having a man around. How did they manage all by themselves he would often say. He was of the impression that a woman could not do anything for herself, that there were no *independant* women around.....lol

BUT, while I relied on him for everything and he practically did everything, I hardly ever showed any appreciation for what he did, I took it for granted that he did things for me. He was not recieving the attention nor the praise from me for doing anything, that he was so obviously recieving from others who turned to him in times of need. And this is why more than likely he would rather run off and help others, than come to my rescue <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> It reached the stage where he seemed to begrudge doing anything for me, he would rather help someone else instead. He would often tell me that I was useless, that I couldn't do anything for myself. This of course was untrue because I was more than capable of doing things by myself, I'd just grown used to him doing everything for me and expected him to do everything for me.

Perhaps this is why he ran off to the *needy* OW - for she gave him the attention that he was so desperately craving when he did so. He was the OW's *knight in shining armour*, for which he will have been highly rewarded. He had no reward to gain, he probably felt, in remaining with his family <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

One of the first things that he said to me after leaving me was "If you ever need anything, then I am only a phonecall away". He seemed concerned that he had left me all alone and I now had to fend for myself, for he knew how dependant I'd become on him.

In one telephone conversation in which I had asked him to come home, he had said that he couldn't come home. When I asked why he had replied,

"She needs me. She has given up her home and has nowhere to go, she doesn't even have any clothes". He then proceeded to say "At least you have everything you need, a nice fully furnished home, a car, etc, etc".......

He was more or less and reading between the lines, telling me that she *needed* him the most, this is why he'd gone and this was the reason he couldn't come back. I was OK according to him because he had left me with everything and secure, a lovely home, the car, our possessions,, etc, etc.....I therefore didn't need him anymore for anything, because he had provided me and left me with what I need.

Since then, not sure if I have done right or wrong......lol, but I have come through this showing that I don't need him anymore, that I am capable of doing things that he did for me alone.
Not sure whether this pleases him or not, but I think that it has surprised him. It might also be making him feel less guilty for leaving knowing that I can survive alone.

When I see him though he always checks over the car I drive. Asks if it has enough oil in it, do I need it replacing, do I need more air in the tyres?? He nearly had heart failure the other day when he saw me putting air into the tyres myself........LOL!!! His first question was "Are you sure you have put enough air in those tyres"???

In some ways I still think that he likes me to feel dependant on him for some things......but then isn't that what a rescuer is all about?

EdensSecret,

You know what to do and you know what is your past mistake .... PLAN A ACTIONS !.

You see *rescuer* has to have pay off otherwise they won't sacrifice their own and their own family to help the *needy*. From what I could see here, your WH's pay off is "ego booster". ADMIRATIONS is his top EN ... most *recuer* men are ... I am one of them <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> . So if he comes and fix your kitchen sink <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> , you have to blow his head off and make him feel that you can't live w/o him and communicate it to him !. Check his history he must have not receive family emotional support/affirmation while he is very young, specially not from his father. On this issues alone, WH need IC to resolve this.

Meanwhile you know what to do and do it w/ vengence !. Think anything to make him come ... ergo *jamming the kicthen sink disposer* <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ... but you have to blow his head and give him huge hug or something that he likes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . We are trainable <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> w/ positive reinforcement ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . Do you want to be right or you want to be still M ?.

-rh-

Redhat, thanks for your response, much appreciated.

A couple of days ago I wasn't sure just exactly which of his needs I wasn't meeting that the OW possibly is - well now I know, Admiration and I also think Appreciation <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

That isn't saying that there aren't other needs I wasn't meeting - however as you say, Admiration is likely to his TOP EN!!! He likes his ego stroked and OW is probably doing just that!!

OK, I will make a start on showing him some Admiration. He will probably drop through the floor......LOL!! Will keep you informed as to how I get on <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />