I'm going to try to give it a last shoot at this...

Long story short... I did plan A for a month just after dday. H was going to return home, but then I blew it, got depressed and now I realized I pushed him very much to return... didn't worked. And he still was into the A...

Then I did plan B without the letter. BIG mistake!!! H thought I was mad at him...

Now I would like to plan A again but is really really hard now, since we got NC and I don't think he want to hear from me...

How do you plan A while separated?

I know I must go on... but I don't want to let go and go on without a last try...

matilde,

First what is your Plan A ?. Many people didn't get it correctly. You should have a list of actions as goal with time frame. It is to address all the past issues and to show that thing would be different.

How to do it from far ? ... first call him and wish him fathers day. You have to mend that NC, it is your fault. Don't refer back to NC or mention it ... just call him. You need at least minimum communication lines. Now you could show your changes to "his circle" so that the word travel. I know some plan A action can be done unless in person ... let it go and focus on what you could do. Make a plan and a time line ... it is a project with end result of new you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

-rh-

Hi redhat

This is why I posted this I don't know how to reestablish communication. He is not giving me much choice. About a week ago I sended like alove email and have not yet received an answer... I'm pulling my hair out trying to figure out what is happening...

BTW I couldn't call him on father's day cause we have no childrens...

Thanks

matilde,

Pick up the phone and call him up. Just tell him you are concern about him since you have not hear anything from him. I gave my W a break long time ago during mom day before we have kids ... I am the kid <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> . She cleaned the house and cooked the meal ... she deserved a break ... I take the word housewife literally <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> .

If you won't do it you never know "what if" ... however don't lb'ed.

-rh-

<small>[ June 16, 2003, 11:07 AM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

Hi Matilde,

You're in a similar situation as I am. My husband left me 4 months ago as well. I've had a hard time working on Plan A because I don't see him or even talk to him. I only learned about this plan about 3 weeks ago and have only seen him once, emailed him twice and talked to him on the phone twice. It's very difficult because I feel he doesn't want any contact with me (even though he really hasn't said it straight out). I guess either calling him or emailing him just to let him know I'm thinking of him or just to see how he's doing is one way of doing it. (just not daily, of course) We don't see each other at all so that makes it even harder.

I'm sorry I don't have any other suggestions but I do hope you get other replies so I can learn as well.

Hang in there, we'll make it thru. You're in my prayers!

H98

Hi. I'm in a similar situation also. My H left for the OW nearly three months ago now, although we do have still have contact twice a week as he picks up our daughter on Sundays and I see him to collect child support from him on Fridays. H will phone me every Friday morning to name a time and place where he will be with child maintenance, same applies to our daughter - he doesn't come to the home. So that limits our contact to two phone calls and the twice I see him a week.

I only just came across Plan A yesterday and reading through it, I recognised that I have been doing most of it, without even knowing about it.......lol. However lately there have been a lot of LB's on my part, because I have changed, have told him that I accept part of the blame as to the problems we were having in our marriage, have told him that I still love him, would take him back and even offered him a *clean slate* if he did consider reconciling. I told him all of this during phone calls where he had said he still loved me, where he said he was torn in two between I and OW, how he was unhappy because he still loved me. But these phone calls are no longer arriving, (four weeks since last one) and I am seeing no actions from him - he still remains with her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I began to LB when during one phonecall and four weeks after he left, he told me he wanted to come home

cont.

and would I take him back, could things ever be the same between us? Well....he didn't come home after all and I was soooo angry after he'd built up my hopes.

Perhaps I should consider Plan B, but it's hard to Plan B when you have kids. I could always Plan B by telling him that....."Don't you feel that you should come to the home and collect our daughter whilst awaiting her in the car outside, as opposed to going to our meeting place".
That way I would be able to cut off total contact with him.

Thing is I showed an awful lot of LB's during past two years of our marriage, as he did too and I have to banish LB's to show him that things would be different were he to come home. That's gonna take some time, making him realise that I am not the argumentative, angry, nagging, disrespectful person I was at home. May give PlanA another fortnight.

He appears to be addicted to this OP and it doesn't help matters when our youngest daughter comes back from her dads and the OW's and informs me of all of the good things they are doing together. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

To matilde, EdensSecret, hopeful98 ... there is nothing you could do the most harm but LB. In MB it is better to plan B rather than LB at all time !.

I know each of us has different situations but I hope you are all aware that ...

The chances of A become a happy M is very very small ... Only 75% of second M survives. Only 5% of A ends in M. Only 50% of M is "happy M". So A that would end up in happy M (not counting the ones that lies about their happiness) is 5%*75%*50% = 1.875%.

The faster WH live his A the better for you but you have to make sure that WH knows that he could come home and work on M ... it would not be red carpet but reconsiliation is possible.

-rh-

redhat,

I am like the others here, confused about how to Plan A when you are a long distance apart and WH doesn't want to talk to you unless it is his call, which is about once every 5-6 wks, and then "just to see how you are"" and then the "I have to go." I can't reach him at the OW's house where he has been living and there is no email that I have access to, and I have to call him at work, where I have been humiliated in the past by some of his employees by leaving me on hold, telling me he isn't there, WH telling me he will call me "right back" but never does.

I didn't find Plan A or this site until 6 months after he moved in with OW after telling me he was leaving. That was one wk before his 50th birthday - MLC.? We had been LB's each other big time for over a year. He was angry and verbally abusive and I became more withdrawn and depressed until I was almost a recluse. We had no sex life towards the end, and the last few months I began to fight back, I was so sick of his confusing behavior,so we had some major fights (not physical). He spent all his time at work, OW is another Manager, and younger - he had been flaunting her right under my nose for months - I was too stupid to get it. He doesn't have many good recent memories he is taking with him of our relationship, so how in the world am I supposed to Plan A or fill his emotional needs when she already is, and they are in their love nest 500 miles away from me and he won't communicate!

The past few months I began a letter and card writing campaign - my attempt at coming up with a plan. This seems to have had some influence on him, and at one point he called me to tell me he had waited a long time to hear me say the things that I was saying in the letter I sent. It was back in Feb. right after our anniversary and I sent him a letter telling him what I was willing to do to make things work, and that I was taking responsibility to change on my own and not pointing blame towards him. Well about 2 minutes into the conversation about how much it meant to him, he started acting very strange as though he was sorry he had said that, and hung up. Ever since then, he remains distant when he does call.
He does not tell me he loves me or that he misses me, just that he "doesn't hate me", as though I had done something to him.

THis is my 2nd M, his 1st. We were married for 16 years, together for 3 before that. He was SF to both my S & D, and actively involved in raising them, but now, never contacts them, and told me they would forget about him and move on.

I would really like to hear something specific for this type of situation and the other's posting here. Are you saying that we just step out of the way and wait??? How is that going to make my WH want to come back to me when the A is over - why wouldn't he just move on to someone else.

I know this is a long post, but I am feeling very confused about these issues. Because of my financial situation, I can't call the Harley's, but I have read SAA, and I have tried to guess about my WH's EN. I have been thinking about going to Plan B, but knowing my WH, he will interpret that as a power move on my part to try to maniputlate him and will just get angry. He did tell me that he didn't want to file for D just yet. I guess he wants to keep me around in case he changes his mind.

Thanks for any help in this. I'll keep following, and praying for all our marriages.

It is hard to PlanA when you have very little/no contact with your WS I would agree. However what I understand from PlanA is, it's not about the WS's, it is about US, the BS's and working on and concentrating on and building OURSELVES back up again. Working on, understanding and changing the actions and behaviours on our parts that perhaps we were guilty of in our marriages.

It would be better though if regular contact with our WS's was maintained to witness the changes we have made/are preparing to make, but you never know when your WS is gonna come walking through the door and you have to fully prepare yourself for it. In using the time you have alone to yourself now, you can start working on the future NEW YOU! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Have a new hairdo, go on a shopping spree and buy a new wardrobe of clothes, have a manicure, join a gym and get back into shape (if you aren't already,). Spend the extra time you have now with your kids, take them on fun outings, swimming, etc, etc...Read every self help and relationship book that is relevant to your situation. I did all of this and I feel great!! And I did it all for ME, nobody else!! Do all those things that make you feel good about YOU!!

I am lucky I guess in that I do still have contact with my WS at least twice a week and we still have contact by telephone. We have managed to remain on friendly terms, more so because we have a daughter and he still wants to remain very much there for her and be a part of her life. But it doesn't end there. While face to face contact is still strained and I often feel that I am now in the presence of a stranger, (I'm working on trying to be more comfortable and relaxed in his presence and wanting to make him feel the same in mine), we relate better via telephone when we don't have to see each other <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Over the telephone he will ask how I am, still takes an interest in what I am up to, what I have been doing, says that if I need anything he is only a phone call away - we've even laughed and joked together. He has said he still loves me a few times, last time was nearly five weeks back though - wish I'd know about PlanA back then, although I was doing things in accordance with the Plan all by myself before I knew it existed.

Even if my WS never returns I know that I will get through this because I have taken the time we've spent apart (three months) to get to know ME again! I have prepared myself to make it through this and come out of it alone!

<small>[ June 18, 2003, 04:47 PM: Message edited by: EdensSecret ]</small>

cajeanie,

Some M never survive A ... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> , mine didn't. It is very hard to plan A with NC or little contact. But you could seek "his" circle of influences and show your plan A. Make over your look would certainly get attention but you have to combine it with message somehow showing on beleive that M could survive if WH would try otherwise it would be seen as "moving on". Plan A is "negotiating" with WH to show that you could change and might already change for the better M. The by product of plan A is you become a better mate/person and understand how to protect your next R or this M given opportunity. Plan A is not forever ... when you know that you might not want to take him back even OW is out of the picture ... you have to go to plan B.

-rh-

eden, rh,

Thanks. I have done a lot already. I have lost over 50 lbs, long blonde hair, new makeup, new clothes, new attitude, going back to school and I look good for a 50+ lady ( I have great genes). Last time my WH saw me I was a size 18, now I am a size 8. I am a determined woman and plan to outlast the A - reread your own stats in above post rh.
I'm hanging on for the ride and plan to be here when it is over.

I am just looking for some other great ideas (beside the letter writing and cards) from others who might have been in this situation. They are really helping, and I am going to keep it up. At least he will know I am here, the changes I am making and what I am willing to do. I think his top 5 EN's are SF, admiration, recreational companionship, financial support and attractive partner. I am open to any suggestion how to help him meet those needs by mail. Every time I send him a card, he always calls and tells me how much he liked the cards and thanks me. He told me in one converstion, that he has saved all my cards and letters and reads them often. A mutual friend of ours is planning on taking some photos of me and I am thinking of sending one in his birthday card next month, remember, he hasn't seen me in 8 months, and has no idea except that I have been telling him occassionally about the changes. What do you think of that idea? He had asked me for a picture of me several months ago, but I thought that what pretty insane! What's he going to do, sit it next to their bed on the night stand???

Do you thing this was WH talk for I would really like to see what you are doing with yourself???
It ticked me off at the time, but then I wasn't really plan A'ing then, so is that what you mean, beside working on bettering myself and communicating in letters and cards?

Anyway, thanks. I love reading all your ideas and sometimes I cry when I read the sad parts or laugh out loud at my computer when it is funny. I am so thankful that you are all out there.
God Bless. cajeanie

Cajeanie,

If your WS has asked for a photo of you, then why not send one to him? I know that I would if my H had asked for one of me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I would be very encouraged by the fact that he wants a photo of you, plus a photo of you will serve as a long distance constant reminder of you everytime he looks at it. You have had no face to face contact with your WS for eight months now, what a great opportunity to show him the NEW YOU and what he is missing back home!! Go for it!!!

I would also still continue with the cards and emails especially being as he is showing willing to accept them and he thanks you for them, that is encouraging also. You may be far apart but you can still continue to show your love for him in doing this. In keeping this up also, you are sending out the message to him that should he ever wish to reconcile, then home is still a comfortable and loving place to go back to - so try to keep those home fires burning even while so far apart <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> It's usually the small affectionate things that we do that they notice and remember us by the most. But meanwhile, YES, continue to work on YOURSELF. None of us know what is just around the corner and if our WS's can so quickly leave us, then who is to say that they cannot return just as quickly as they left?

It's good to hear that you have been working on yourself and have made lots of changes in your physical appearance that make you feel good about YOU again. To go from a size 18 to a size 8 is fantastic, well done!! Your WS is bound to notice these changes as soon as that photo arrives! After not seeing you for so long he will be remembering the way you were just before he left - what a surprise he is in for !! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I too lost a lot of weight. Just before I and my WS broke up I was a size 18 too, four times the size of the girl I was when we first met!!!!!
Now I am a size 12 and am slimmer than I was when we first met!! He's never commented on my losing weight or the improvements I have made physically, but I can tell he's noticed in the way that he looks at me sometimes. My eldest daughter had remarked to him how much weight I have managed to lose and he had said, "Yes, I have noticed"....lol. He has also noticed that I have done my hair done regularly, when I am wearing new clothes, because he has also mentioned that to my eldest too. Only trouble is in keeping yourself well groomed, they think that you have plenty of money to do it with......lol and so this might set him about questioning the amount of child support he is giving me, however he hasn't reduced it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> He knows that the child support is spent on the kids anyway because I tell him so, plus he knows that I put the kids top priority over myself and have always done so.

But ya know, however things work out for me I know I will be ok and I have a feeling that you will be too!! But we will never know if we could have saved our marriages, unless we are prepared to go all out and do everything in our power to try and save them. And of course if we don't succeed, then at least we know we gave our all!!

I wish you luck! Keep us informed of how things are going at your end <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ June 19, 2003, 05:03 AM: Message edited by: EdensSecret ]</small>

cajeanie,

You have more lines of communications if he is willing ... I would installed Yahoo!messager or AOL-IM ... and yes, go to Glamour Photo & take the best & sexy photo you ever take <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ; make him pick up his jaw from the floor and wipe those saliva of him ... LOL. Size 18 to 8 !.

-rh-

Eden,
Good job - keep up the good work. I will keep checking on you and thanks for the encouragement.

rh,
great idea - I'm going to find out about glamour photo - since I think it is one of his 5 EN's too have an attractive partner. I guess that would be a sign to him that I am trying to fill that need. Plus I have been very complimentary in my cards and letters about his successes at work etc. Trying to feel that need for admiration. Do you think that is on the right track??

Thanks again. cajeanie

cajeanie,

Definitely you are on the right track ... understanding what are his needs and try to fillin it. You could be 1,000 miles away, as long as he is convinced you could change, you hit the bull eye.

-rh-