I am hoping some of you can offer some advice. How long can a H keep his resentment about an A? One year ago I had one. It was one night with one of his friends. I have not spoken to OM or tried to contact since that time.

The night this happened I had to much to drink (not that it is an excuse) Since that time I have not gone out to the bars and limit my alcohol.

My H had problems with drugs for the first 7 yrs. together many nights I would wonder if and when he was coming home sometimes it did not happen until the next morning. I did forgive him. I worked towards having a happy family. He then turned to the comp he would stay on it for all hours.
Two years ago I began to start doing things by myself and started going out on my own. Then a year ago I made a huge mistake.

Since that time H and I have been trying to work on things. I have been seeing a therapist for a year now. H chose not to go. H was taking antidperesent side effects were bad. So he stoped but has not tried another. He admits to resentment, anger and having no trust in me.

This past month has been bad. I have started being more assertive ie. letting hm know when he does his huge LB with his words & actions.

This is what I perceive...He only appears to care what I am doing if it involves me not being home. Otherwise he is back on the comp or whatever he is doing at the time. He only cares about the M if it is going bad at that time he says he will do this or that to try and fix. It never happens he has promised to go to therapy at least five X with only one real attempt. he tries to control even more than he ever did. When we are arguing He always goes back to a year ago. I dont know if we should move on to plan b I do not feel that he really tried plan a. I think once we made the decsin to reconcile he went back to old behaviors.

I am sorry this is so long I am very confussed. I wish I could take everything back, and yet I still feel that even if I could we would still be in this mess. So my question is how long will H hang on to resentment? How do I know he is really going to try this time? And when is it time to move to plan B?

trishcat

I'm not sure that plan B is appropriate to your situation.

You obviously have difficulties in your relationship. You both have to share the blame for that and the responsibility to fix it. If your H won't engage in that, then you have a real problem. You are obviously not happy and are probably at risk for another A if things continue as is.

I'm sure some of the wiser and more experienced folks can offer more specifics, but maybe you should try and compose your thoughts in a letter to him? Especially if he had some time on his own to digest and think about it?

I took a long hard look at this past year while talking with my SIL. She is a wonderful and positive support for me. Been married to H Brother for 20yrs so she understands many attitudes that are due to upbringing.

I have decided to allow myself to try agian. to work on the principles of marriage building. I can see he is willing to try. He has made progress with our boys and I have made progress with being more assertive.

I will put the idea of plan b out of my mind.
I will show him support for his efforts, instead of saying he will quit efforts.
I will allow him to show me affection an be responsive.
I will continue to work on myself and my downfalls.
And I will try with all my heart to avoid any LB.
I think I see and feel a ray of hope...

Trishcat, Plan B is for the BS(betrayed spouse) to implement when his/her WS(wayward spouse) is still continuing with the A and the BS's love bank is nearing the red accompanied with increased difficulty to avoid love busters. It should ONLY be carried out after doing a good Plan A which should end with one last good deed done for the WS so that the last thing s/he will remember about the BS will be that deed.

BOTH of you must make a commitment to follow The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage. But in order to get him to adopt The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage you must avoid the love buster called disrespectful judgement and instead use respectful persuasion. There are five steps to achieve this:

1.Express your conflicting opinions to each other with respect and understanding.

2.Explain why you feel your opinion is in your spouse's best interest.

3.Suggest a test for your opinion.

4.If the test fails to persuade, be prepared to drop the subject.

5.Give your spouse the opportunity to persuade you.

All of these are NOT my opinions, but the wise words of Dr Willard Harley from his book 'Love Busters' and the section titled 'Disrespectful Judgements'. Try them and see what happens.

after reading and reading more I now understand plan A/B better. I guess I should be thinking of recovery. Thank you for reminding me.

We have been having a difficult couple of months and I now realize that we need to continue to move forward but we also need to be following the program outlined by Dr Willard Harley.