My wife of 15 years, and mother of my 10 YOA son, has had what she calls a friendship with a fellow worker. He calls her constantly on the cell phone. I screened the cell bill and he bought walkie talkies, she has admitted to making out with him but nothing further.

I have NEVER been a abusive person towards her, but after approx 2 months of the affair she and I had been drinking, she shouted out this is it I want out, to get some distance between the two of us, I admit I pushed her, I then threw a can that was not intended for her but it did hit her, she is now claiming I'm a abusive spouse, I did go into therapy immediatley and now am on meds.

Last year I was diagnosed with prostate cancer and subsequently had surgery which for the time being(according to the doctor) left me impotent. I do take medication for it and it does work, the week after my surgery the wife's mother had surgery for breast cancer, so as you can see she did have her plate full. She did stark talking to the OP at that time.

To make matters worse, the OP's wife is divorceing him over this affair and there is no hope for reconciliation, I have spoke with her.

Last week my daughter from another marriage was married, the day of the rehersal I recieved a annonymous phone call in which the party stated that the OP is having sex with your wife and that as soon as his divorce is over he is planning to marry her and have children with her. The night of the wedding I brought this conversation up with a close friend, his wife is a close friend also of my wife's, he stated that the my wife did tell his that the OP did make the staement about marrying her and having children, my wife also stated that she is very confused. That night I confronted her with that statement to which she adementaly denied and decided to sleep in another room after locking the door and refusing to discuss it any furter, I did break in the door and attempt to discuss it with her, whcih she still refused. Again, I never abused this woman.

She was sleeping in the other room till last night, I am trying to follow plan A, she did agree to return to our room on the condition of no sex. I have gotten the I love you, but not in love with you routine.

This week our son is going out of town with my inlaws, the wife is planning on staying at their house for the time to clear her head, I cant help but believe the OP will be constantly hounding her.

The medication, Pixal and Xanax have greatly helped in reducing the anxiety, My question is that my wife now claims that she cannot feel intimate towards me since I abused her. How can I get the intimacy back, I remain calm, reassuring
and we are now both seeing a counselor.

She also made the claim she no longer felt intimate towards me at the the beginning of the affair, long before the aubusive behavior.

I have not and will not touch alcohol again, I was not a heavy drinker, but I did binge when I did.

She does state that she is willing to try to work the marriage out, but can make no gaurantees, fair enough, but I think she is just buying time.

rookie:

First, you need 2 change focus and start doing some research. Believe me, all the things you think you're justified in saying or doing will NOT work 2 get your marriage back on track. It's good that your W seems willing 2 try 2 work things out, but don't be surprised if you both have lapses for a while still.

Read all you can about affairs on this website (the articles are very helpful) and buy yourself a couple of the books - Surviving an Affair is a good starter, as is "His Needs, Her Needs." Besides the Harleys, there are also a number of other marriage-supporting authors out there that others can recommend 2 you from their experiences.

You CAN survive this, and so can your marriage!
-2loing

2 long, thanks for the reply, have changed focus from anger to supportive.

I have read almost this entire site, and plan on picking up some books.

My problem is the persistence of the OP, I've confronted him and made it in no uncertain terms that he is to leave her alone, problem is they work at the same place and do work together on certain projects. I've also expressed my concerns with the wife, several times, but to no avail. So far she states that she only speaks now with him concerning work issues only.

rookie:

Affairs with coworkers are possibly the most common around. My W's A was with a coworker and classmate in grad school. It lasted, off and on, for 12 years. He lives in another state, and she hasn't seen him in over a year and a half, but they still talk on the phone "about work issues."

I wish that calling and even threatening him would have any kind of effect at all, but the fact is that it won't. At least not the effect I would be after. You also can't get your W 2 do anything by putting restrictions on her. She has 2 WANT 2 do those things for you, and must be allowed 2 reach those conclusions on her own.

Talk about these things with your marriage counselor if you like, but you'll still need 2 leave how your W deals with this coworker/affair partner on her own. And in the end, if she ends the relationship by her own choice, it'll mean more 2 both of you.

All my best,
-2long.