My wife left me Jan 2003 after 11 years do to my lack of attention towards her, time together and displays of affection. I worked too much and after a time I took her for granted and starved her emotionally. I understand and realize all of that now and am and have been working towards resolving those issues with counseling,soul seraching, self help books and sites like this. We have two children 5 and 3 years old.
She started speaking to a friend's brother a couple of months before she left about her feelings and of course he was right there to answer her needs and has been since. It started out as an EA but is now a PA by her own admissions. He has told her he loves her and wants to marry her.
The first month or so after she left I really didn't know how to react, hadn't found this site and others similar, and went about things the wrong way. She was very angry and resentful in the beginning but has since warmed. Eventually I started doing a pretty good Plan A for the last few months with a few slip ups of anger, judgements etc...We have had many, many emotional, soul searching conversations. At times she tells me she is confused, needs time and others she tells me to move on.
I have been receiving feedback from her friends since near the beginning about how she has periodic doubts about her descision(s), has had thoughts of reconciling, started her relationship too quickly with the OM and that he has controlling and possessive issues. They have had fights about it several times. She has also said that he has given her something that she never had, the meeting of her emtional needs. She always sought this from me but that I did not do a very good job of providing it.
As time has gone on, we have spent small amounts of time together, drinks, a couple dinners, and huggged, held hands, small peck kisses etc... Nothing sexual. I have expressed my love for her, acknowledged my mistakes, and told her my hopes and dreams for us again. She has said she never realized I felt as deeply for her as I do and would never have left if I had done this sooner.
I have pulled back from her several times, sort of a mini plan B (no letter) and her reaction has always been to call me after about a week with her emotions, telling me she needs time, is confused, that she was selfish in leaving but had to.
I did this again recently and the same thing happened and we talked for over 5 hours. She asked me how are we going to develop anything if we don't talk and that she wants to be on good terms and friends. She even said that maybe she is trying to have her cake and eat it too and being selfish expecting and wanting me to be there for her and her not for me. She told me that she is not sure what to do, that she sees my changes but is still afraid that they will not last. She told me that she is messed up and doesn't know what she is doing, that she may be making a mistake. She told me that a part of her does not want me to move on but that she cannot come back "right now" or "yet" and therefore she cannot hold me back. She said that she wants to give me 100% and she can't right now. I'm sure this is directly related to the OM being in her life. She told me that she feels like she is making a mistake, what a great guy and father I am. She said that she wishes that she had tried harder to explain to me what she needed before leaving. She even said that her boyfriend is a loser and has nothing but I guess the gift of gab is enough right now. She said that he has touched her emotionally. I suggested that maybe she not see anyone for a while to sort out her emotions and she agreed but did not think that she would do that. She plans on still seeing this guy.
However when she thinks that I am dating, her friends tell me she is very upset and concerned about ME finding closeness or intimacy with someone else.
Recently she was telling her friends that she had been thinking more about me,my changes, about coming back, about the good times we had and wonders what she is doing with her life. She has told her friends that I blow her away with the things I tell her. She said how maybe someday she will run into me and fall back IN love again and what is meant to be will be. She does say that she loves me now to me and her friends. I guess it is the old I love you but not IN love with you. She expresses fear to her friends that I may find and be with someone else.
I know this is along post but I wanted to get the background out there. I have posted before and usually do so as changes develop. I am trying to decide if now is the time to go to plan B or to move a little further forward in Plan A. My resolve is dwindling for plan A and the being the doormat, resentment feeling is starting to creep in. It seems as though Plan A has gotten me to this point but is this point far enough? My friends are not supportive and feel that I am wasting my time and should have moved on a long time ago. I need to support from those here who understand. All opinions welcome.

i am so sorry for your pain. i know exactly how you feel. i kept and keep getting advice from friends and family they mean well. but this is your life your situation, everyone thinks i would do this i would do that. know one and i mean know one knows how they would act or what they would do until they are actually in the situation. i followed Marriage builders advice and it worked for me i am so thankful for this web-site. good luck to you. de

De couldnt be more correct in saying that you WILL get bad advice from people who have not been there, here you are with people who are living your life everyday.

My wife has laid the exact same lines on me, love you, but not in love, confused, need time to sort things out. It is right out of the play book they have and the lines never change.

You have kids, so a solid plan b is not realistic, but when you do exchange the kids, wear cologne, dress to the 9's, and be smilling like your anticipating the greatest thing since sliced cheese, then go see a movie alone or go to a buddies house. Let her think your going somewhere, and never say where you are going, if the kids ask, out with friends.

Implement plan b as best as you can, no calls, when she does call, keep it about the kids,

Do write a plan b letter, let her know you love her, care about her, but are loosing love for her by what she is doing and that you find it too painful to be carrying on with her.

There are numberous examples of some very good plan b letters here.

The purpose of Plan B is to knock them off the fence they are sitting on. You have your foot in the door, open it. It's going to be extremely hard on you, but it is something you have to do or deal with her ambivelence till she decides what she wants.

Good luck my friend, you are in my thoughts

Rookie

now what,

If you could afford it, get conseling w/ MB. You might need professional assessment than our oppinion. You might be closer to plan B than you think. Judging from your post she still in the fog and pretty much sitting on the fence. You need to review your plan A ... does she acknowledge that you has changed ?. e.g. Does she acknowledge that you are cpapable to paying attentions to her ? ... I would also find out OM ... know your enemy inside out. Is he ready to take your WW?.

If she told you that you are changed and you could make her happy but she can't stop the A. I would learn what ENs that OM is filling & see if you could compete with it. She would have two reactions ... reject you outright and shut you down. In this case you have to turned to plan B. Or she becomes cake eater ... Actually if she is cake eater there is more hope for your M, I would not push it to plan B. You know her better than OM (hopefully <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ) you have more stake to loose than him.

rh

Thanks for the replies here guys. I moved over to the GQII forum with this same post and there have been many updates since this one there. Go there (if you want) and you'll see where I am now.
NW

I can relate as I heard much of the same from my wife who from time to time still reaches out to me. We are only 4 months past DDay when she confessed and left.

Now in saying this only you know what's best for you and your family.

It's time for Plan B. She's seen your changes, knows you love her and has expressed a desire to get back together some day. She's sitting on the fence bouncing from you and her OM.

It's time to remove yourself from the triangle and allow her to live in her world with the OM. If her relationship with him is as bad as she's telling you then it won't be long before the affair blows up.

I can relate as I heard much of the same from my wife who from time to time still reaches out to me. We are only 4 months past DDay when she confessed and left.

Now in saying this only you know what's best for you and your family.

It's time for Plan B. She's seen your changes, knows you love her and has expressed a desire to get back together some day. She's sitting on the fence bouncing from you and her OM.

It's time to remove yourself from the triangle and allow her to live in her world with the OM. If her relationship with him is as bad as she's telling you then it won't be long before the affair blows up.