Update to my situation. WS walked out on me four months ago to be with and begin a new life with OW. We'd been married 10 years and have an eight year old daughter.

I have been PlanA'ing for two weeks, no LB's or anything and things seemed to be looking up. I saw him a total of five times last week as he'd wanted to see our daughter three times last week and the other twice I saw him was to collect child support from him. I was on my best behaviour each time!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I could sense that he was becoming more relaxed in my company!

Anyway, last Thursday night I recieved a phone call from him out of the blue!! He asked how I was, I said I was fine, then I asked him how he was and he told me he was unhappy!

He then went on to tell me that he still loved me, loved our daughter and how it breaks his heart each time he sees us both. He said he thinks about us everyday and how much he has hurt us <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Then he told me that when he left me for OW it was what he'd wanted at that time - he says he no longer wants that now, he wants out of the situation he has now found himself in.

Well he was crying while saying all of this and so then I told him that I did still love him and that if he wanted to he could come back home, to which he replied "I was hoping that you would ask me to come home again".

I'd then told him that our old relationship was dead and gone, but how both of us would have to be willing to give our all in making our new one work! I told him that I was willing to make it work and I would give 100% of my all to it! He told me he would do the same.

I asked him why didn't he pack his things and come home that night, but then he said "It isn't that easy, I have things to sort out at this end first". Then he added, "You know what I am like".
And yes, I do know what he is like. He is a soft touch and always has been, he hates to hurt anybody and that will include hurting the OW by just walking out on her. But then he just walked out on his family without any regard for our feelings...??

The day after he made this call I went to meet him to collect child support, he never even mentioned this call nor the conversation we'd shared in it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I didn't mention it either because I don't want to force talk of our relationship upon him and I don't want to pressure him. If there are any moves to be made, I'd rather they be done by him and done in his own time. I'd rather give him the time and space to think things over himself.

However I am not convinced that what he is telling me is the truth! I'm not sure that I believe he is as unhappy as he says he is/or that he wants out of this relationship with OW to come home again. I'm not sure that he really wants our marriage or not because it is four days ago that he made this call and I've heard nothing since <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I just don't understand why he makes these calls when he is so obviously where he wants to be, otherwise he'd back his words up with actions and he'd be back home.

Does anyone have any clues as to why he could be doing this, raising my hopes and then letting me down again or any advice on how I should react when he makes these calls?

Thanks all <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

EdensSecret,

One thing I could tell you for sure ... YOUR PLAN A is working <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . This is a roller 'coaster of your life ... buckle up and hang on tight. Most likely OW is LB'ed and make him rethink. Yesterday probably they made up again. You did a good job by telling him, yes there is hope if he is willing to work on M 100%.

Next time you see him, give him your plan A letter ... so that he could read it when he feels low and he won't "forget". He might not approach you yesterday since Martian won't show his weakness. Write him a plan A letter and give it to him. Good job. -rh-

Edensecret -- You are handling this well. Do not make the mistakes I did. I dealt with this exact thing last summer and wish I had been able to not LB at all and back off and not press an answer.

I can tell you from others' stories that this may go back and forth. It is normal (at least for WS) to do this kind of dance.

My best to you and your daughter.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by redhat:
[QB]EdensSecret,

One thing I could tell you for sure ... YOUR PLAN A is working <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . This is a roller 'coaster of your life ... buckle up and hang on tight. Most likely OW is LB'ed and make him rethink. Yesterday probably they made up again. You did a good job by telling him, yes there is hope if he is willing to work on M 100%.....

[QUOTE]

Thanks Redhat!

Yep, must be doing something right, lol, but you know this is the fourth time he's phoned in the past four months saying how unhappy he is, he still loves me, etc, etc, and so I did take this last call with a pinch of salt. But I was happy to get the message across to him that I still loved him and there is still a chance for us. His calls do prove to me though that all is not always well with he and OW <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I guess she must have LB'd too, or done something he'd been unhappy with, but he didn't mention her at all in the phonecall. He has mentioned her in all of the others!

He'd asked to borrow the lawn mower from my home the night before he made this phonecall and I'd politely told him 'no'. I wasn't doing him any favours that remotely concerned the OW or the home they shared. I told him I'd do anything for HIM, so long as it didn't include her. He understood anyway because I had been a little afraid of refusing him it.

Not sure about giving him PlanA letter just yet. I might give it a little more time and see how things transpire.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks Unsureheart <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

It's so hard not to LB on them when they will do this kind of thing isn't it? Sometimes I just feel like I want to shake my WS and tell him to wake up, to be angry at him for what he is doing and playing with my feelings in this way. Thing is though he might just be truly thinking of coming home, perhaps just awaiting the right moment to do so and if I LB on him then he might change his mind about coming home thinking he'd be best off with OW. I learnt that anger is my enemy when I found MB <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

This is why I didn't mention the call. I'd rather not pressure him over what he is saying and give him the space and time he needs to sort himself out. He is obviously still very confused. He will only begin to feel trapped again if I begin asking or demanding of him, so best leave well alone, even though it is upsetting that he does this.

Would love to see your thread and read of your experiences with your WS. Sounds very similar to my situation.

Thanks for dropping in anyway and for the well wishes. I wish you well and hope that things turn out for you also <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by EdensSecret:
<strong>He'd asked to borrow the lawn mower from my home the night before he made this phonecall and I'd politely told him 'no'. I wasn't doing him any favours that remotely concerned the OW or the home they shared. I told him I'd do anything for HIM, so long as it didn't include her. He understood anyway because I had been a little afraid of refusing him it.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are a fast learner .... LOL !. As long as it is not in anger blow up, unreasonable demand, selfish act ... and so on ... it is not LB. Draw your boundry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . I would like you to draft your plan A and keep it on the side, gift it to him when you feel right. Some Martians really doesn't know how to say no to Venusian ... your WH might be one of them. I would get him to help you out, even changing the light bulb. Hang in there ... given time OW would LB'ed more and make it safe for the cow to come home <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . -rh-

Just adding an update to my sitch.

Well it's now a week since I recieved the call from H in which we talked about reconciliation, still he is not home <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I'm not holding my breath that he will be back either because I know he won't be.

I've neither seen him nor heard from him since last Saturday night when he dropped our daughter off. He'd asked then if he could see our daughter the following Wednesday after school (yesterday) and said he'd call me on the phone to arrange a time. That call never came. He let our daughter down and this is also the first time that he hasn't called in regard to visitation.

I havn't seen nor heard from him now for five days. Even though that doesn't seem a long time, it's the longest period that he hasn't contacted me in the whole four months we've been apart.

Why do I sense that he is *withdrawing* from me?

Just when I thought that things appeared to be going well between I and H, there seems to have come about a *cooling period* and I don't understand why?

I have been giving him all the space he needs, I never call him on the phone for anything at all or ask to see him, so he hasn't withdrawn because he's avoiding someone who won't leave him alone because I never ever bother him.

I fear that I should take this as a sign that my WS is moving on with his life, that he is not missing me, his daughter of the old life he shared with us, hence he would still feel the need to call and check up on us and remain in contact. I feel at this precise moment in time that he is starting to forget all about us, but then with OW and his new life with her to occupy him I guess that it's easier to forget about us, as they are now what appears to his number one priority in life.

EdensSecret,

In Plan A you should try to have contact as much as you can. He might thought you don't care about him no more or you have move on <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . The only thing that you should not try to initiate is R talk. It would be good for you to have contact too as long as it doesn't cause LB on each other.

-rh-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by redhat:
<strong>EdensSecret,

In Plan A you should try to have contact as much as you can. He might thought you don't care about him no more or you have move on <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . The only thing that you should not try to initiate is R talk. It would be good for you to have contact too as long as it doesn't cause LB on each other.

-rh-</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Redhat

Thanks so much for your reply <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I really don't think that my H gives a damn whether I have moved on or not and I now honestly think that I am wasting my time with this man. He is a lost cause. Here is my latest installment <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I called him on his mobile phone this morning to ask him if he could give me child support. He normally pays me this every Friday, but he had told me the last time I saw him (last Saturday) that he was taking a week off work and wouldn't be able to give me any this week! Anyway I phoned him on the offchance that he could pay me the child support because he had said also that he would see what he could do to ensure I recieved some money.

The conversation went like this:

ME : "Hiya ***. Is it possible that you can give me some child support this week"?

HIM : "I havn't been to work this week, I have no money. Even if I did have some money I am not at home to give you it"....

ME : "Oh, why is that? Are you away somewhere"?

LONG PAUSE......

HIM : "I am away for the weekend, yes".

ME : "You have no money, yet you are away for the weekend"?????

HIM : "It's not my money that we have gone away with".....

The phone then went dead!!!!

So you see Redhat, he really couldn't care less about me. His phonecalls in which he still declares undying love for me, in which he says he is unhappy and he wants out of the situation with OW are all a load of lies he is telling me.

If he were unhappy with OW, then what the heck is he doing away on holiday with her??

I think he is taking me for a fool to be honest and the calls he is making show nothing more than a lack of respect of me, else he wouldn't play with my feelings in this way.

When all is OK with he and OW, he tosses me aside like a bag of rubbish. He cares not one iota for his family and has proven it this past week. His priorities are way out of order!

Am I wasting my time with this man? I really think I am <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ July 04, 2003, 10:21 AM: Message edited by: EdensSecret ]</small>

EdensSecret,

This is what roller coaster ride of your life all about. Up in one second then down the next and not counting the spirals ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . The driver of that coster is you WH, an alien, IT IS NOT YOUR H. You just have been doing plan A for a few weeks, that is not long enough. This is my sugestion. Check your plan A list and make sure you hit the right spots. Guess what ENs does OW is fillin. Set a time frame, 3 months at least, then you have go to plan B. Meanwhile make a logistic plan for your plan B. Financially, custody exchange, and so on.

Hang in there ...

Hi...oh how I understand how you are feeling!! It is so hard to go on waitnging and hoping for H to come to his senses! I don't think you should give up, i think the fact that he is telling you he loves you and wants to come home etc is showing you that he is in fact confused about things...i think it must mean he really is thinking about you, but unfotuneately, as I have come to realize as long as he is seeing and talking to OW his views are totally clouded, he does not think straight about anything, he sees no wrong in what he is doing, he thinks the children are fine and will be fine, but I love him and am not ready to give up and I dont think you should either!! keep thinking positive thoughts. I know it is hard, I have a hard time keeping them myself, this post is kind of a pick me up for myself as well!! OK take care of you though thats what is important, you and your child!!!
michelle

Thanks Redhat and Michelleo.

Redhat, I know what EN's the OW is filling. She is fulfilling his sexual needs!! I know this because he told me last week on the phone when we were talking. He'd simply said to me:

"Do you want to know the real reason why I left you"? To which I'd replied "Yes".

He then went on to say that she did things for him sexually that I had not!!!

How am I supposed to fulfill sexual needs when we don't even have that kind of contact anymore??? I can't compete with OW to fulfill that need.

And to have left his family of 10 years for a woman who will grant him every sexual favour under the sun, just about measures the depth of love that he really had for me in the first place.

His comments that he left me for a woman who did sexual things I didn't, hurt me and have made me feel inadequate. Perhaps it was his intention to make me feel this way.....????

Michelleo. I just think I'm fighting a lost cause. Perhaps he does still love me and is confused, I dunno, though it doesn't seem like he does.

I guess that perhaps it is a positive sign that he will still call and say these things, but I still feel that he is doing it because he's fighting with OW. If they were not fighting he wouldn't bother calling at all. He is just wanting me to reassure him that my door is still open to him, just incase it doesn't work out with OW. Seems to be going out of his way to keep her happy though.....weekend holidays!! Lucky her. I didn't get any weekend holidays away when I was with him <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by EdensSecret:
<strong>How am I supposed to fulfill sexual needs when we don't even have that kind of contact anymore??? I can't compete with OW to fulfill that need.

And to have left his family of 10 years for a woman who will grant him every sexual favour under the sun, just about measures the depth of love that he really had for me in the first place.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Two things. First you are under estimating the power of ENs and A is a pure selfishness just get the ENs fullfilled. However look at other ENs that you could do. Top ENs alone won't make him happy ... specially when he starts to see the cost that he has to pay. I would sugest you looking into other ENs and plan A your butt off. If that is the only complaint that he has about you in M ... I would start looking into plan B even before 3 months. The key is to show to WS that thing would be different if he is willing. But if he knows and admits that thing could be diferent and you are capable to do it ... and the cow is not coming home ... It is time to plan B.

Second. Don't take his behavior personally. My youngest D had a very good advice: "Mom is insane !". Now how do you treat insane person that make mistake ? ... All are forgiven based on insanity.

BTW: Does his A exposed under the day light ?. It would help WS to see at what his behavior cost him now.

-rh-

<small>[ July 04, 2003, 09:20 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by redhat:
The key is to show to WS that thing would be different if he is willing. But if he knows and admits that thing could be diferent and you are capable to do it ... and the cow is not coming home ... It is time to plan B.

BTW: Does his A exposed under the day light ?. It would help WS to see at what his behavior cost him now.

-rh-[/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have made some BIG changes in the past four nearly five months that he has been gone Redhat and he knows and has been told numerous times that I'd be willing to give my all should he wish to reconcile. He more than likely knows I would because of my reactions to this whole mess in which I have been fair and basically catered to his needs and gone out of my way for him regardless of the fact he betrayed and hurt me. I have shown *unconditional love* any amount of times......

HOWEVER, he still shows no sign of REALLY wanting to come back. I hear words, YES......I am not seeing ACTIONS.

He is besotted with this OW and while she is in the picture I stand NO CHANCE. She is a novelty, a new toy of which he isn't tired of playing with yet and probably won't be for quite some time. This OW is not just a flash in the pan as some OW's are - she is going to be in his life *longterm*, my gut tells me this.

As for his affair being public, yes it is and has been since he walked out. Doesn't seem to bother him nor the OW.

EdensSecret,

In all pointers you are closer to walk into plan B than I would willing to admit. However you are the only one who could decide, you have 8 years old D. Could you afford MB conseling ?, I know it is expensive but I would personally would not go into plan B or Dv w/o getting advice under MB conseling. If you do your home work and ready, it won't take many appointments.

Which states do you live in ?. Do they have separation ? You mention Child Support, is it under court order ?. Do you work or stay home mom ?. If you are stay home mom, probably it is time to get practical training to go back to work force. At least getting reay for plan B and maybe Dv or separation.

-rh-

Hi Redhat,

Unfortunately I am not in the USA, I'm across the pond, the UK.....LOL. Don't think we have MB counselling over here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> But I will check up on it anyway and see if perhaps they do phone consultations.

As for PlanB. Well, I don't see H much anyway and he never calls unless it's about child support or our daughter. Other than these things I don't hear from him......so it would seem that he is doing a PlanB on me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

A little good news though. He called yesterday and asked if he could see our daughter today. Unfortunately she is away at a friends until later today and so he'd asked to see her one night next week instead. He also mentioned that he'd have child support for me next weekend <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I sensed he was choking back tears <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

So now I may stay in PlanA for a little while longer and see how things progress. Will let you know how I get on.

Thanks for your help Redhat. I really appreciate that you take the time to listen to me and continue to offer your excellent advice <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />