I came home from a trip into “the twilight zone”. The man I thought I knew (for the last 12 years) I was soon to discover had become someone else. He wanted to move from our house – didn’t say with or without me but seemed to be OK if I moved with him. Said he didn’t like our “lifestyle” as we never went anywhere or did anything and he felt he was working his life away (I didn’t mention the fact that I had for years been saying he worked too much). So, we started talking and he told me how unhappy he had been for the last 2 years. We had hours and hours of soul searching conversations. I told him I was willing to listen and work on what he wanted.

However, my suspicions were aroused so I started checking into things. I found my sweet loving kind (and obviously lonely) man had been subscribing to online dating for a year and had phone bills in the $1,000 of dollars calling them. He had email contacts with women and was watching pornography on “pay per view” when I was gone. I don’t know for sure yet if he’s been physical with anyone but at this point I’m not sure it makes huge difference.

To say the least I was shocked as to what had been going on. After I came to this web site I was shocked it hadn’t happen sooner. We had both been ignoring each others needs for years but I see that I had been LB a lot more than he. We have been having some really good “heart to heart” talks and both have been brutally honest in how we feel.

He wants affection most any time I offer (every once in awhile he seems a little “raw” and I back off). He says he loves me (with meaning) when I say it first. He calls every night on his way home from work and we talk (he has an hour commute which is one of the reasons he wants to move). If I reach for him he responds but doesn’t initiate it like he use to. Says he suspicious of the “sudden change” in me and has trouble believing I’ve really changed and feels I’m just appeasing him to get what I want.

I’ve been trying to rebuilt the love (as I’ve read all the articles and they really make more sense than anything else I’ve read about relationships) but I’m having trust issues as I keep finding out “bits and pieces”. Is this normal for the man to not be totally honest when you are trying to be?

Thanks,

makeitso <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by makeitso:
<strong>I’ve been trying to rebuilt the love (as I’ve read all the articles and they really make more sense than anything else I’ve read about relationships) but I’m having trust issues as I keep finding out “bits and pieces”. Is this normal for the man to not be totally honest when you are trying to be?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There is no gender diferent ... radical honesty is radical honesty. If he is holding up, either he is hiding something big that he is afraid to let it out ... or he doesn't feel safe. Both of you have to "make is safe" to open up. I.e. The information should not be used againt them once it is confessed.

JMHO -rh-

Thanks, I’m trying but it’s not easy. He goes from friendly and touchy to distant and cold. I’ve tried not to push but - boy sometimes it’s hard to just “back off” and wait – it feels like something terrible is about to happen. I’ve never had any patience and I know I’m really bad about wanting “to just fix things” and I think he’s is feeling too much pressure and that’s when he gets distant.

He has always had a hard time telling me what he wants and feels as he doesn’t want to upset me. I have been very bad in the past about getting upset and ended up getting my way when I did. I think this is one of the big problems we have – he tells me what I want to hear not “what really is”. I had never thought about how I used “upset” with control until I came to this website. It really opened my eyes to exactly what I was doing. So, I’m sure he doesn’t feel safe telling me anything, with good reason.

I feel I’m in such uncharted waters I don’t know what’s good or bad. Is the fact that he calls me and talks for an hour every work evening good? Is it good that he allows me to reach out to him (although I think I’m doing too much of that as he’s starting to withdraw from that). It’s hard not to reach out but I guess I need to make an effort not to.

I’ve tried to get him to read “stuff” from this site or counseling but he says no and again I try not to push. It’s a real emotional effort to give enough and not too much. I’m not sure I’m doing a good job.

Again thanks,

makeitso

You are doing a great job. You have realized your part of the mess and you are willing to fix it. A lot of BS or even WS get conseling with MB regardless the SO. The conseling is for you to do proper plan A and guidance to walk into plan B if you have to.

-rh-

Well, all the rules have changed again. He says it’s over he wants out and left last night and hasn’t been back since (did call to say he was OK but wouldn’t be coming home until sometime Sunday).

Feel like “throwing in the towel”. How could he go from I love you to I can’t stand to live with you another day in less than 2 weeks. Is it possible to fall out of love that fast? I’m guessing from what I’ve read that he’s having an A and is just trying to get away from me towards her. If he is then why can’t he just say I’m going out with another woman instead of there isn’t anyone else – that isn’t the problem? Its crazy making when actions don’t match the words. Makes you doubt your reasoning abilities. Am I really so paranoid that I would think that if it’s not happening?

Guess I’m looking for a little sanity at this point.

makeitso

makeitso,

This is a 'coaster ride of your life. It is hard. It never makes sense and never will. Focus on all the complaint he has about you before d-day and show it that you could change. Right now he is confused and try to decide ... if you push it he might fall right into OW's hand.

-rh-

This has got to be the most puzzling thing in the world. I think I have the biggest LB figured out (but not positive since he’s still not opening up a lot). It seems if I get upset (for any reason) that sets him off. He biggest complaint is we can’t go places together because he’s so afraid I will get upset and we will end up fighting and the whole evening will be ruined. So, he prefers to go alone – which if he does, when he gets home he talks to me for hours about what where he went and what he did. He went to a dinner party and ended up running into a guy with his same interests and talked for hours with him. It sounds “legitimate” but since I’m in such “non-trusting” mode I’m never sure. He says it’s because for years he didn’t’ go to the places he wanted because I didn’t’ want to go – so now he says he’s going where he wants.

He’s back to being warm and friendly, not normal but at least not cold and distant. Calls me every evening on the way home from work and we talk for an hour. I just talk about “things” and refuse to get into anything about the relationship since I know we will fight. I have been working hard on his EN and think he knows it but just doesn’t believe or trust it yet. I sure can identify with that!

Not sure what to do next ... any other suggestions?

Thanks,
makeitso

makeitso,

He has something to hide from you. Learn not to get angry (outbursts), not to disrespectfull, not to put unreasonable demand .... HOWEVER YOU HAVE TO DRAW YOUR BOUNDRY. This is JMHO, he has issues of pornography & multiple A, I am pretty sure you don't want this kind of M. You should not take it and start doing tough love other wise you are as good as enabling him. He needs help. If his reasoning that "you might LB and ruin the evening" ... challenge him to take you out and prove him wrong. This is your plan A. Meanwhile you have to express it to him what you feel ... w/o LB. You have to learn to tell him "I feel this or that ... when you do ..." When he gets defensive you tell him "I understand your point but THIS IS HOW I FEEL" and stop there. When he keeps trying to make you agree with him ... "I undestand well your point and I just want you to understand my reaction and feeling ... I don't want you to change but I can't help my feeling". It is a fogesse talk and a bunch of BS ... Even you really want him to change for right now settle with make him listen first.

-rh-