I have been reading these posts for the last few weeks and have found some comfort. Tonight I need some help, guidance, something...

Seven months ago I found out my H was having an affair. It had been going on for about three months. After lots of tears on both our parts, he said his famiy was more important, and said he would end it. We started going to counseling and it seemed that we were communicating better. Little did I know, that after a week of having cut of the A, they started seeing each other again. Two months later, he left. Said he didn't want to be married anymore. 18 years was long enough. He said it had nothing to do with the OW (at this point I did not know they were together again.) A week later he confessed that they were still together.

We saw each other often and were intimate a few times. OW found out about one and dumped him. He was devastated and fought hard to get her back. He did but it did not last long. They are still in touch but are no longer together. I really don't know why????

I have not asked him to come home since about 2 or 3 weeks since he left. We have gone out a few times for dinner and drinks and have been intimate a few times. We often talk about getting a chance to do the things we didn't do when we were younger. We married young and had a daughter right away. But if we do this "date and see" thing, I would expect it to be exclusive, he does not.

I am convinced he is going through a MLC. He agrees. He says he wants to have some fun and meet different women. He says he has this craving in him and he has to go with it. He is even talking about the desire to have a son. He says he's getting old and wants to have one before it's too late!!! He'll do it with me or without me.

There are a few things that have remained constant in the last 7 months 1 - his desire to be young and "know" different women; 2 - he says he loves me (what a joke) and doesn't want to lose me. He hopes that I will wait this out!!!

I don't know what to do!!!! Do I go to Plan B?? I did this before (without knowing that this is what I was doing). When I tried to stop communicating with him, he begged and begged not to shut him out.

There is another issue. I make more money than he does as he is self employed. He has struggled with his business for some time and feels that he does not contribute much to our household. He says that I would be better off without him. He was feeling really down a few days ago and he called me because he was "freaked out". I think sometimes he has thoughts of suicide when he is feeling like a "loser". (That's what he calls himself sometimes.)

He's a good guy but he's turned into this person I don't even know. We have been the best of friends for 18 years. I miss him like crazy but he is like a kid having a temper tantrum.

Please help me out folks! What do I do?

Welcome to MB. I assume you have read the basic concepts and all the link on General Welcome.

IMVHO. Do "tough love". It is a kind of plan B but you still have contact. However you do not fillin anymore ENs fo his until he commits to M. Have the letter similiar to plan B or explain it to him in person.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> ...but he is like a kid having a temper tantrum</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Until you stop being his mom ... you probably enableing him. He has his issues to resolve but you have control to stop helping him. You have to learn to stick with your bounderies.

Read "Love must be tough" by Dr. Dobson. He has some issues and until he realizes and works on it ... you just enableing him.

-rh-

Hi and welcome to MB,

RedHat is setting you on the right track. Plan B is needed if the BS (you) needs to protect herself and her love from the harm of the A or MLC.

What have you read from MB? Do you have an MC? Can you have a phone counseling session with Steve or Jennifer?

You situation and mine is similar. My H is also self employed and our income levels swing the same way. It is not good for a man's ego to make less than his W but my H had always told me that was not an issue. How wrong I was to assume that was true.

OW on the other hand made the wS feel like a prince.......in reality he was a pauper but the addiction of the A put him in a fantasy world that he just couldn't leave. For us it dragged out over 3 long years.

What should you do? Get yourself some help and do a lot of reading. You will learn about what you can and will not tolerate. Then you will learn how to implement to protect your family.

take care,
L.

Redhat:

I have just joined the site and have started reading some of the articles and notable threads. I had no idea there was so much information out there!

I've read Dr. Dobson's book, in fact that is how I found this site. I was doing some searching regarding "tough love" and one of the hits took me here. The book did not have much info in how to actually practice tough love. I gather that it is similar to Plan B but with some contact.

I have a question, I was reading through some of the posts and found one where you stated
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In MB, we believe "in love feeling" could be recreated by doing 4 rules of recovery. Fillin ENs, Avoid LBs, Quality time and honesty. The only requirement is that BF would not reject you, i.e. willing to receive it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My husband's A is over (or so he says), would this not be a good way to go for me? I know I'm trying to find some way to stay connected and I'm being pathetic but I would like to hear what you think.

Thank you so much.

Orchid:

My husband and I did go to counseling. After he left and I went to see my "family counselor" she recommended "Crazy Time". You might know that this book is on divorce and the stages you go through. That did not sit well with me. I went a couple of more times and then stopped. I have not sought out another counselor. I need to do that.

Likewise, the income thing was never an issue, all of sudden he feels he's a loser and holding me down.

I don't know if this is something you don't ask on these forums, so I'll apologize in advance. You said your situation dragged out for 3 years, did you reconcile?

I posted a message under another topic a few days ago and have not gotten much feedback so.....THANKS for the feedback.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sobeitafs:
<strong>My husband's A is over (or so he says), would this not be a good way to go for me? I know I'm trying to find some way to stay connected and I'm being pathetic but I would like to hear what you think.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">With his history and what he said to you ... you better stay put until he is willing to work on M. He might even have to seek IC for himself, find a christian conselor.

There is no book will tell you step by step ... each situation is diferent. It is only a guideline. To be exact you have to consel with the writer ...
-rh-

H will definitely not see any religious counselor. He has mentioned needing help a few times and he now has a list of psychiatrist in his area. He has said he would make an appointment.

You are absolutely right that no book will tell me exactly what to do and I need to find the best way to proceed. This site has gone a long way in helping me through the really bad times. The fact that so many people have experienced similar situations makes me feel like I'm not alone.

When H dropped off our daughter last night, he was emotional (crying) but determined to continue down this path. He tells me he knows we could work this out but the thought of being married for the rest of his life is very scary. I told him I really couldn't understand the way he was feeling and that if he still had love for his family he should find a way to fight for it.

I have decided to request a session with Dr. Harley and see what he has to say.

Thanks again for your insight.

I am glad you make a choice to consel w/ Harley's, you need it. IMVHO, your H might be in deep depression for a long time, he needs to get help on that one. It fits all the descriptions ... tantrums, w/ a small trigger could cause emotional explosion (crying), using sex as an escape from the real issues. He needs IC not MC ... but you need MC to help him along. Ask Harley is they know any good IC in your area for your H.

Don't be surprise if Harley will tell you to do modified plan B ... basically it is tough love. It is very effective for WS that has other issues than A.

God Bless you & keep up posted. -rh-

Thanks! I will be out of town all next week, so it will be a good distraction. I will try to check the boards if I can get online while I'm away.

Take care!