I've been thinking for a while of moving on to PlanB. It's five months since H left to be with the OW and he's now obviously where he wants to be, despite my making changes that have remained consistant.

Thing is, PlanB is associated with a letter. In this letter we are to let to know our WS's that we are sorry for our faults in our marriages that created the climate for their affair, have since recognised and are working on those faults, tell them we are willing to reconcile should they wish, as long as the OP is out of the picture.

I would feel that in asking him to have no contact with the OP, that I was issuing a pointless ultimatum to him, because he chose where he wanted to be five months ago and he hasn't returned. And he would think that I was somewhat a bit thick for issuing ultimatums such as ME VS OP five months after he left, when it should be pretty obvious to me that he's made his choice......?????

So in my case, wouldn't it be better to PlanB without any letter? He does happen to know that I still love him, that I would be prepared to give my all should he wish to reconcile, (he was told this by telephone call two weeks ago, in which he appeared to be pretty confused over where he wants to be) - however he still remains away regardless, I hear words but see no actions and I doubt he will dump her to come back to me.

I think PlanB letter would work best if the couple in question still lived together in the same household, yet one was having an affair and had not yet made a choice between the spouse and the OP....it's the final untimatum to the WS to choose.

A walkaway made his/her choice the day they decided to leave.

Hi Eden <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I've had the exact same speculations/questions about the Plan B letter as you a have. WH decided to move out and in with OW. I feel they would both laugh at me if I sent a Plan B letter.
WH told me and showed me that he chose her, so what good would the letter do us anyway?

I'm Plan B'ing him without the letter. I haven't been doing this for very long but so far it works OK for me. I don't call him on the phone - I make no attempt at all to contact him. If he calls me - and he does to make arrangements about our son - I don't ask him questions about anything and I don't give him any information on what's going on in my life.
If the circumstances were different it would be better with the B letter I'm sure - but since you already told your WH that you love him and what your conditions for taking him back would be - I guess it's OK to Plan B him without the letter?
I hope people with more knowledge and understanding of the MB principles than I have, will jump in and correct me if I'm wrong <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I guess it's OK to Plan B him without the letter?
No, no, no, no, no! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

A Plan B letter is ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL!

Without it, it's just Plan "I'm ignoring you cause I don't like you and I don't want to reconcile."

tell them we are willing to reconcile should they wish, as long as the OP is out of the picture.
Not quite. You're not simply telling them you will reconcile if they wish.
You are telling them that you no longer want any contact because of the pain it is causing you. You will resume contact and DISCUSS reconciliat ONLY when they end the affair and all contact with op.

So in my case, wouldn't it be better to Plan B without any letter?
Absolutely not! The letter tells them very specifically and concretely what you are doing and why.

And he would think that I was somewhat a bit thick for issuing ultimatums such as ME VS OP five months after he left
That is why it is "no contact" rather than "she/me."

In a letter you can write/rewrite it and say exactly what you want, without emotions getting in the way. It is also something they can look at later (if they keep it.) But it DOES need to be sent.

Remember, Plan B is ALL ABOUT YOU and very little about the wayward spouse (except for the letter.)

<small>[ July 12, 2003, 11:21 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Thanks all.

Firstly, it would seem that I have been PlanB'ing for quite some time without even realising I am and without the letter. The only time I have face to face contact with H these days, is when I collect child support and when I take our daughter to see him. These visits are kept short and we exchange very little conversation. I do not call him on the phone for anything and havn't for quite some time, nor does he call me unless it's to do with our daughter. We have little conversation in these calls also.

It seems that he is PlanB'ing me also......lol and I sometimes feel that we are now in a distancer/distancer relationship because we both appear to be distancing from each other.

But now and again and regardless of the limited contact, he will call and tell me he is unhappy, being with the OW isn't what he wants, he still loves me......and I listen to him and have told him exactly what I think. How I still love him, how I'd be open to reconciliation. I assume that he's not stupid enough to think that I would consider reconciling with OW in the picture though, so I don't mention her at all.

If I'd been properly PlanB'ing, then I wouldn't have been taking these calls.....correct??

The telephone calls he has been making and the reassurances I have given him, are somewhat on the same par as the PlanB letter I think, only he has heard the words spoken and hasn't seen them in writing.

I think that if I were not to take anymore of his *ILY* phonecalls and do PlanB properly, he would probably think that I wasn't taking them because I am not seeing actions and not necessarily because it means that I no longer love him, want him back, etc.....

He knows full well how I feel and that I would have him back. Sometimes wonder if perhaps he is too confident of this fact to be honest and this is why he continues to be a *fence sitter*.

The phone calls that he makes to you gives him the reassurances that allow him to continue to sit on the fence. He calls you, tells you how he feels and his problem(s) with OW, you listen and express your feelings about him which comforts him. He knows that he can keep doing what he is doing because you are always there when he makes the relationship calls and make him feel better. He is getting at least one if not more needs met by you that the OW cannot or does not meet. That is why you should make your last few contacts with him positive and then cut him off with a plan B letter. Do not take these relationship calls from him and give him any more reassurances. Do all of your reassuring in your plan B letter and then NO CONTACT so you give him the opportunity to completely miss you and hopefully realize what you give to him that he needs in conrast to the OW. It is obvious that he needs you or you wouldn't get the R phone calls.
It is hard, I just did it a week ago to my wife after 6 months of a pretty good plan A with a lot of progress (verbally)but still no concrete action to return to our relationship. She is not living with the OM but has expressed negative issues about him,positive feelings for me etc... but no action, just words. So I decided, with a lot of advice and help from others on the General Questions II board to do plan B, read my current thread and the advice from those more knowledgeable then me. Good Luck.

Now What

Thanks Now What.

I plan to read your thread immediately after I post this off <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

The problem is, is identifying those needs that I am meeting, that OW is not. I know for a fact that OW is meeting sexual needs because he even told me that, believe it or not!!! But as we know, sex is not everything and she is obviously not meeting other needs, or else as you say he wouldn't call me.

It's hard to determine from phone calls, just exactly what needs I may be meeting though.....??? But I do know that throughout our marriage, I was ALWAYS there for him, always stood by him through thick and thin, (even though I may have disagreed with what he was doing/had done), always defended him, he could always rely on me and he trusted me totally 100%.

Even throughout this whole mess, he has seen that I am still always there for him and at a time when I should really have turned my back on him. I think that he sees me as being solid, reliable and dependable. Not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

He has told me that he had thought I never loved him nor cared for him anymore. In these calls he is being reassured that I do love him/care for him. Maybe I'm filling his need for affection, I just don't know...????

NW,

Read your thread last night and thanks! I understand PlanB a whole lot more now than I did. There is some really terrific advice there <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Was surprised to learn that the WS can actually go through withdrawal symptoms when not in contact with the spouse anymore....and the withdrawal symptons from us, can actually cause them to LB on the OP!!!! LOL, great stuff!

You know, sometimes I often wonder if my H is calling me saying he still loves me, he is unhappy, etc....when the OW has LB'd on him. He then looks to me for comfort and I've always been there for him.

But by taking his calls and reassuring him, I am actually preventing him from LB'ing on her because I am soothing him!! I will know not to take anymore of his calls in future......let him LB away on her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Since H has been gone, five months now - not a week has passed by where I havn't had some kind of contact with him, whether by phone or face to face contact. I have also been there for him everytime he has made these private calls to me, in which he is being reassured of my feelings for him and soothed by me. I never initiate calls, nor do I ever initiate contact. In the phone calls I am always polite and pleasant. Everytime we have face to face contact, I chat with him, act happy around him, joke with him and laugh.........

In short, he has never experienced his life without me for 10 years. I wonder what would happen if I were to go properly to PlanB and I severed ALL contact with him. What would happen, once he knew that he was TOTALLY FREE of me ????

I figure I need to PlanA for another two weeks or so. I want to leave a lasting impression before I move on to PlanB...... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I wish you the best of luck with your wife also. It seemed that PlanB was the best thing you could do, given the circumstances of your sitch <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I will keep checking in your thread to see how things are progressing with you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks, I'm glad I could help (I hope that I helped) and good luck to you too.
Although it is hard to know for sure exactly what it is you are providng to him, you answered some of the reasons yourself. You said that you were always there for him, dependable etc... You are still being all of those things to him plus now he knows (and you have been reassuring him) that you love and care for him. Rest assured whatever it is, he needs you. I'm certainly no expert but I would say that you are on the right track. Plan A really well for a little while longer then plan B. Take care and keep me posted.

now what