</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by rookie:
<strong>I spoke with my ex over the holiday on the phone for the first time in awhile, I simply asked her if she had any conciense whatseoever and felt any guilt for breaking up two families, I got the standard reply from her, ye she does have a conciense, but it is me who should be the one feeling responcible for the break up of our marriage, uggghhh, why bother, .... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You keep letting her overdraft your LB$. Also what do you expect ? she responsed to your words that hurt her, she will strike back. Deep down, every WS knew what they did was wrong and they try to justify it any which way they can.

Anyway, any plan for the rest of the weekend ?. I am going out tonight to comedy club w/ a female freind, try to get some laughter ... LOL. I am also going out tommorow w/ another female freind for ice cream afer church <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . I thankfull that I am start reclaiming my life. I enjoy companionship.

hang in there bro -rh-

redhat, seems like you are adjusting just fine, 2 differant females over the weekend???, sounds good to me.

I have my son this weekend, broke out the black powder guns I havent fired in over 16 years and took him shooting, a ten year old with a .50 Cal is pretty funny to watch shooting, but he didnt give up and thought it was one of the coolest things he has done, watching him TRY to load them and shoot was one of the coolest things for me to experience.

He already is complaining that his shoulder is sore......wait till the morning.

DaRookie

rookie,

Don't get funny idea <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> ... a date is a fruit that grows on Palm tree (dr. Jim Talley, a divorce care presenter) . We just went out and had fun; dinner, club, cups of latte and plenty conversation. I think I just found my partner in crime <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . I feel alive again. I worked like a dog while my ExW was cheating on me ... I gave it all out. Now I let my taker out <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

I always want to go to a shooting range, I want to get a gun and target shooting. Probably I would get someone to go w/ me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . I don't think they let my 2 D go with me. There is an age limit in my county. Your S is a lucky boy.

-rh-

redhat, funny ideas????, not in the least, envious,,, you betcha. I would love to go out with someone now who is'nt looking for their savior, parent to bring up their children (I woulndt mind kids if another woman had them, I guess), sugar daddy. I would like to DATE only.

I am not in the mental mode at this point in my life to invest my self emotionally to someone, that could change if that someone was the right someone. I want to do the dinner, movies, the walks and just talk things, that is what I miss the most about my marriage, partnership, you know that feeling the US against the world feeling.

Even though I only speak with the x on a VERY limited basis, it is the feeling of "What does she have to lay on me today feeling, and what is going to happen now" I am still in the mode of a married man and I still have the feelings that the x is still not that sure of what she has done.

The other day when I laid the conciense line on her, she asked me why I would want a woman like that back in my life, when I see her she cannot look me in the face out of guilt. My son this weekend was telling me how his mother stated she misses being involved as a family, little things, but, things none the less. I still am not sure what I would do if she decided she was going to end it with her OP, but, as cold as she was through out this I dont think I could consider taking her back. My problem is, is that I do think about it when I dont think I should be.

Anyhow, when we went shooting it was not at a range, my daughter has a farm about 25 miles away and we were there shooting.


DaRookie

rookie,

Take it easy. I was taking it easy, my Dv was 12/31/2002 but I wasn't going out at all. I thought I was ready but I realized that I wasn't. As a christian if your x is back, truly remose and want to reconsile, you have the obligation to do it if none of you has married to other people. Of course you could exercise your right not reconsile but you are sinning <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . Beside I am done healing, this is one of the drive for me to look for a new mate. I know I would be bless with the one that would treasure my love for her. I have to find her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . Once I commit my love for her, I would not need to entertain reconsiliation.

-rh-

redhat, really didnt mean that in a tense manner at all.

Just a question though, as a christian, I am obligated to try to reconcile with her if she decides that she want to give it a go?, Not arguing, just thought that if she committed adultery, in the eyes of the church, as long as I did not, my obligation to her is terminated.

DaRookie

rookie,

This is very sensitive subject and I have to put it under caveat of what I beleive. Also we are not taking about reconsiliation only (we have to do that) but reconsiliation of M. Yes, we have a right to terminate M since A is one of the two condition allowable Dv and we end our obligation as H. However God always wants us to reconsile. If our x is back and truly repent and want reconsiliation of M; I do beleive we commit sin if we reject reconsiliation of M. The closest thing we could do is not remarriage to her but we can't remarriage no one else either.

I have hard time to take this too but Dv care's put it this way. When we reject reconsiliation of M, we act rightously and we judge/punish x. I don't beleive we have no sin so that we could do that. This is a test of faith for us. We have obligation to become Christ like which supercede our right as Christian.

If you ask me what do I do if my ex knocking my door right now. I would not take her back ... In my harden heart I pray hard to be spare from that moment. One caveat, remarriage can't happen once either spouse get married <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . I know HE has someone for me and that person is not exW.

Hope this make sense.

-rh-

redhat, it is confusing, on one hand if she came back as she WAS, I wouldnt hesitate to let her back into my life.

It has gone to the point though that she refuses to accept any responcibility for her A or that the A was the root of the D.

I do understand that I am responcible for the problems in the marriage prior to her A but if she for ONE time would say that the A was a major issue in the breakup it would open alot of doors, till then I find it impossible to think that she could focus on us as a unit again.

DaRookie

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by rookie:
<strong> redhat, it is confusing, on one hand if she came back as she WAS, I wouldnt hesitate to let her back into my life.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You shouldn't until she is better than she WAS. Since there would be a chance to happen again.

My issue is even she come back better than she was, fully repentance and willing to do the right thing. I would not take my ex and that is self rightous act. I would be committing sin to reject reconsiliation of M. I have no issues to reconsiliation of R as ex'es for the sake of 2 D and I has forgiven her.

-rh-

I speak with my ten year old son several times a week at the times I do not have him. Yesterday I asked him if he has met the OP yet?, his response was I dont want to talk about it.

I find out this morning that the ex and the OP are now ridding to work together, which means that the son has met him as he goes to before and after school care, so he would be getting a ride there from them.

Now they involved the son in the deceit, I will not pursue the question any further as I dont want to put the little guy in the position of having to lie, as I am sure he is instructed to do, but it bothers me to no end that if this relationship of theirs was all so innocent, why are they teaching the little man to be deceitful.

And according to her, this has not affected him at all,,,,uuugggghhh.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by rookie:
<strong> Yesterday I asked him if he has met the OP yet?, his response was I dont want to talk about it.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">2x4 .... YOU PUT YOUR KIDS IN THE MIDDLE. You should not ask and even when they tell you you should not react.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> ... as I am sure he is instructed to do, but it bothers me to no end that if this relationship of theirs was all so innocent, why are they teaching the little man to be deceitful.

And according to her, this has not affected him at all,,,,uuugggghhh. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">2x4 ... I am not sure about that. That is your assumtion and your get hurt by it. You are as guilty as she is putting him in the middle ... Sorry.

I learn this from my IC, she warned me and warned my 2 D not to pass anything between household. Sometime it drove me nuts thinking that they would accept OM. However this is not my cross to bear ... it this my 2D. It is their decision and all I could do is make their life as beutifull as before and even more and become their dad. I know my 2 D have hard time already ... they are torned between me & their mom. As long as they show love, respect & obedient while they are with me ... I am greatful and feel each days with them like father day <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

He didn't want to disclose it to you b/c he is afraid to hurt you and make her mom see him as betrayer. He is right on the money. He is a big boy. When you are ready he will feel comfortable to tell you b/c he know that you won't get hurt and you won't react to it. He is a good boy, he did the right thing.

-rh-

Well, just a update, I just was hired for a new job, not much pay, but with my pension it amounts to more that I was making while on the job with the PD.

I have had some people come to look at the house for a 2nd time, so it might be going...


Now I need to find someone to date and life will take on some form of normalcy.

hi rookie,

Just trying to catch up a little, it's been a while. I see that your D actually happened. I am truly sorry to hear that, I was really hoping that you could bring her out of the fog. I would really rather see your posts going up in Recovery.

Take care,

r0uter

Hey rOuter, long time no see,,,,,

I also was hoping that the fog would be to the point that reality set in, but,,,as it happens, she is still into her other life.

I am trying to move on and take things slowly, but I still think of what has happened constantly.

Hope things with you are working out, let me know.

Take Care,
DaRookie

Rookie,

Things are going ok. Better for sure than 8 months ago, and a little better all the time. Seem to have hit a small set back recently, but it is the first in a couple of months.

She is still having a hard time expressing her true feelings, and as such our conversations are often shallow and meaningless. I really get frustrated because I can feel the conversation going this way, and find myself at a loss to redirect or recover. I am still very suspicious and have a hard time sometimes hiding it.

I have made great strides in trying to fix the things that she has identified as some of the reasons that our relationship was in peril. And I feel like I have done a good job of that.

The other day I decided to express some of my concerns with her. Her reaction kind of surprised me. I had expected her to get angry and really take offense, but she was very calm and semi-receptive. We were interrupted and all I got from her was that she had heard my concerns and she would answer me later. I haven't heard anything alse about it since. AND, I feel like she is once again playing a sort of avoidance game. I work out of town during the week, and we usually talk 3-4 times a day on the phone for 10-15 minutes at a time. Since our conversation the other day, she seems almost purposely to call me when she knows that she won't be able to talk, and has been hesitant to say I love you on the phone. (something that she knows means a lot to me) Maybe I am being paranoid about all of that, but I really don't know.

I still love her as much as ever, and I keep pressing on.

Sorry for the long post, but thanks for letting me vent.

Take care,

r0uter

<small>[ December 14, 2003, 07:57 PM: Message edited by: r0uter ]</small>

rOuter, hope things go well for you,

I just started my new job and the hours are long, 10-12 hours a day, so much for retirement and another thing I am grateful for that the ex caused, not bitter, just realistic. Wasnt on the job and a week and didnt receive my first paycheck yet and already heard from her attorney about the adjustment for child support..........

Just walked in the door from work, e-mail me and let me know how it goes.

DaRookie

rookie,

What is your plan for the holiday this year ?. Do you you have S for the holidays ?.

About retirement ... in my country they say that if you retire you will retire from life soon after. Being active is good ... specially if bringing some extra $ for fun. Work hard, live hard and play hard ... live to the max.

-rh-

rehat, have my son for Christmas Eve, I am having family over for dinner, so scuse me if you see me with the skirt on in the kitchen cooking, not that bad of a cook really, honestly, people have been known to live through one of my dinners.

Never planned on full retirement, was going to work, but not as many hours as I presently am, was going to work part time and take some time to enjoy my son and myself, but......have to do what you have to.

rookie,

Have a joyful holiday feast ... Next year I would have one in my house, for this year I am going to go out w/ my partner in crime to have someone cook for me ...

Dv is finance buster ... half of your resources are gone ! I know how you feel. I have a choice between working like a dog and still scraping ... or I work parttime, still scraping but I have soo much time w/ my 2D. Easy choice for me.

-rh-

Been a long time since I have posted.

Had to get away for awhile and sort things out in my own mind. Every time I read a post it seemed like everyone addressed the same issue, and for all, the pain was very real. Not complaining, but being involved in the same situation as every one it was painful to read of those who's WS were attempting to reconcile when the only response I was getting from mine was further lies to justify her actions.

I could only pray she would have said hey, this is broke, something went way wrong, let's fix it. But, every time I have ever spoke with her it seemed she would try to engage me in a issue which was a attempt to further a arguement to justify what she has done, she is not a person to ever admit fault, not that I am looking for a admission, but any sign of remorse for her actions would have been taken as a start, there are/were none.

To this day she is of the better than thou attitude and addresses me with the attitude of someone who should be subserviant to her wishes.

But there are subtle signs, such as several of her family parties which have taken place during the holidays and after, she still cannot bring her new found friend to them as she told the son, it is too soon after the D, it wasnt too soon for her to bring him into the son's life, but she is hesitant to into him to her family?, well they all know what occured and she is concerned if they meet him it will only verify that they were more than friends as her and her parents have been so adamant about saying, good God, what would the family think of her then???, my response is what does her own son think of her since those are the same lines she laid on him and now he has to face seeing this idiot on a daily basis, the friend that is.

Anytime she is confronted with a issue that is of the truth, she does not respond or hangs up the phone on me now. I do not talk to her at all unless it concerns my son, but she did request monies for his therapy, I simply informed her in written form that it was funny that she is asking me to finance the therapy, something that would not have been necesary if she did not have a affair, at times I cannot resist, know I shouldnt, but this is too far gone.

Another issue was the sale of the house, she calls one day and states that she wanted to buy me out of my half and move in here herself(never mentioned the other one. friend that is), I simply reinterated the statement she gave me so often when this whole situation started, I asked her how was it possible that she could even consider moving back into the house that held so many bad memories(this was a continual statement of hers when she first moved out), let alone with another man, that was the last I heard of her thought about buying me out, I must have jarred her momory of all the bad memories, but it was funny how things are adjusted or revised to fit the mold or justify what they are doing.

As for myself, I have not seriously dated anyone as of yet, seems mentally I still take my marriage vows seriously enough were I cannot simply walk into another relationship and invest my emotions elsewhere, I have as of yet to even hold someone elses hand. Do I seriously think she will regret what she has done, MORE THAN EVER, but I have to withdraw my self emotionally or it will eat me alive. The best thing to happen to me thus far is I now have a new job, the pay is low the hours are long, but to get out into the world and deal with other issues other than her is the best therapy I could have at the moment, being involved with other people and talking about other issues is taking alot of the pressure off of me.

Sorry this is long winded, but it is a simple update as to what is going on in my life.

I also wanted to say hi to folks that have given so much to me at a time when I needed it the most, TMCM, redhat, router and many more than I can list.

Hope all deal with their sitiations and retain their sanity and self esteem,,,,

DaRookie