TMCM, as far as her parents go, if this issue is ever resolved and the W and I get back together, which I feel is very possible, I will not have the same feelings for them that I did.

Out of respect, I have seen them lately, when either picking up my son or dropping him off, I have been very cordial and concerned.

My FIL is the type of person who can pick up a comic book and has the resolution for every world problan, in short a real ahole, I have never engaged him in a argument, as it is futile to argue with a idiot.

If we get back together, I will have to put a game face on. They have been spoon feeding my son what they FEEL is going on and I have noticed a big attitude change in him towards me, this is bothering me deeply, as these are the same people who did not want to get involved in my marital problem, but yet they involve the son.

I have my son Mon-Fri 7A-6P, On tues 7A through Wed at 6P, this last weekend had him all day Sunday, the wife has the stones to tell me that I am NOT doing enough with him.

This is easy for her to say, she comes home, mom has dinner ready, the house is cleaned and the laundry done. I take care of the house, have a few home improvements I am working on, cook all the meals cept dinner for the son, but do for myself, and every other responsibility involved with running a house, alone. Yet, she has the nerve to say this.

rookie,

From my last night classes by Wellington .. every 1 negative you need 5 positives to counter it. He talked about LB$ here !. This is the big reason why plan B is important !.

About your son matter ... Take the challange <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> , I am thriving on challanges. The conselor said that currently there was no impact in this Dv on my 2 D !!!!. They thought my ExW done the work and give her 50-50 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ... I was the one who make sure that there is no changes in my 2 D's live during the A and during the Dv process. The most important is do your best to minimize any changes in his life ... he has to cope with a lot already. I have my mom helping me out for almost 3 months right after D-day & almost 11 months right after she filed. Get help !. I even have other skater's mom helping me out too when I can't take them. You are "single dad" for now and behave like one. You are Mr.mom <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> .

-rh-

Everybody makes choices and if your in laws choose stupidity over wisdom, then let's hope they are happy with their choice.

As far as your son is concerned, try to create great moments with him by playing with him, taking him to a ball game, etc. He is not dumb, and any crap your W or you in laws try to feed him will eventually backfire on them. Your good actions with him will speak volumes to him.

rookie, i feel for you i find my H. very frustrating because he still lies to me too. says he is not seeing the other woman this weekend, when i listened to his voice mail and she is on it saying she can't wait to see him this weekend.anyway i feel like i owe you for telling me to use the voice activated recorder. what a great idea that was. i would have still been flondering. i am just going on with my life right now taking care of me and my 13yr.old son. i thank you so much for your advice. i hope it all goes well for you. i will pray for you. thank you again, de

TMCM, redhat, I do try to do things with my son, shows, festivals and a county fair this week. The wife called me and said I should do MORE. I explained that I have the house, landscapping, cooking meals and a house project I'm working on right now, unbelievable, this is from a woman who comes home, mom had dinner ready and there is a cleaning woman who comes in to take care of the parents house, last week she, tues night she is at school, weds night-had her nails done, thurs-shopping with mom. She has him 6 P till bed time, 9P, and she is telling me to do something with him???

Anyhow she asked me not to sell the house last monday, I agreed not to only if she would break contact with the OP as she stated she needed time alone to think things out from ME.

Find out tonight she has been calling him and he her while he has been on vacation. He is telling his 8 YOA son that he will have new brothers and sisters when he marries my W, this guy is way off the deep end.

I aksed the wife tonight when she to pick up son if she has been speaking to OP, she stated he has called. I explained that if I was to wait the 6 mos to sell the house and place my life on hold while she does not honor my request for nc she was being totally unreasonable (try and stay respectfull through a conversation like that)
She gets pissed says put the house up for sale, she cant take the pressure anymore, and leaves.

Guess what, calls back a hour later saying we should resolve this issue, either sell the house and move on and be friends or, AGAIN asks me to be patient enought to wait the 6 mos and NOT ask her about the OP anymore, as it is emotionally draining on HER. She states she doesnt think the marriage can be saved as long as I have a issue about the OP.

I have never been given any distance from him, for 7 mos now, there is always a issue involving him.

De, I'm glad it worked for you, I leave for vacation with my son next week, I am placing one in my home while I am gone as she is going to stay here to watch the dog, I figure I should have something to listen to when I get back.

rookie,

With due respect, I would put the house on the block and continue plan B.

-rh-

Rookie I also agree with redhat's opinion because all she wants to do is continue with the status quo. But it's your call, choose wisely.

Fence sitting, rookie. It's not up to YOU to back off on the issue of the OM. It's up to HER to do a No Contact.

The house is her safety net. If it's gone, and if the affair fizzles, she's burnt her bridge.

She wants time to see whether the OM is a keeper. She wants time to see whether you will guarantee that she can go back to the way things were.

Still fogbound.

If you stick to a 6 month delay in selling the house, and she doesn't agree to complete No Contact plus Marriage Builders type therapy, what are the chances?

I think this is like ripping off a bandaid. Quick, it smarts, but stops smarting sooner. Slow, it only hurts bit by bit, and you can stop pulling it any time, but it still hurts. And for longer.

Listen to TMCM, redhat, etc. She's in fog. She can't stand the pressure you're putting on her to end contact with OM? Since when is tolerating other men part of anyone's marriage vows? I seem to remember "foresaking all others"

Listen to the guys. You started out excellent in your Plan B. Go back to it, it was working!

rookie,

I agree with TMCM (of course) and with RH. She is having her cake and eating it too! You must end the madness if for nothing other than your own sanity!

Bellevue was right too. The plan B was really starting to shake her up! She was beginning to realize what she would be giving up and it hurt.

I hate to say it but, may be time to reduce your overhead.

When it comes to your son and his feelings...
Right now I think that you need to stop your projects and concentrate more on him. If he sees you giving up your valuable time (and he will see it) it will go a long way toward his feelings for you. He will begin to see that whatever BS she is feeding him is just that. Good luck!

Keep posting and keep your chin up!

r0uter

OK, here is what happended today, this is like a bad soap opera.

I found out last night she was still in contact with the OP from his wife, where the OP is vacationing, that he is telling the 8YOA son that he is going to have brothers and sister when he marries my W.

I called her this morning simply said I want a divorce and the house is going up for sale immedialty and hung up.

She calls back and I repeated words verbatim as he told her on the phone, told her it wasnt one that day I agreed not to sell the house, if you were going into the NC mode, when you were on the phone with the OP, I reinterated, I want the divorce NOW, and to well the house NOW and hung up again.

She calls several times hysterical on the phone, each time I said I have nothing else to say and hung up.

Guess who left work at noon and came over, yep, she says I sent him a e-mail(said I want to see it) saying that she is no longer going to speak with him. SHE asks can we go t marriage counseling to try to wrok things out, she adamently refused this when I suggested it. She says I cant move back here to the house, to many bad memories. I replied, Are you nuts?, you want me to sell this house, buy another while you are in a apartment for 6 mos to get your head straight, that is absolutley one of the craziest things I have heard...

She replies, I signed the lease for 6 mos, I will/might be back sooner.

Anyhow, we havent done ANYTHING together, fun for 6 mos, she just went to her parents house to change, wants to take little man to the county fair, I said have a good time, she, I want you to come with,,,

She also put her wedding ring back on, and out mine on. I'm not hopeful, but I'm going to play this one out.

I will find out from the OP's wife tonight if my W actually sent that e-mail, he returns to wrok Monday from vacation.

This is complete and utter insanity, but it is exactly what they describe the WS to be. Time to put my smiley face on and have fun at the fair.

But,,,,,

When she told you that she wanted 'passion' in her life, I'll bet she never bargained for this, did she? Oh well, if you do decide to go with her and your son to the fair, try to keep things civil between the two of you so that your son enjoys the day and won't have to witness any more lunacy (one lunatic in the family is more than enough).

rookie,

You do what you think is the best for you ... but you need 2x4 !!!!. You need NC w/ WW. This is WS's script ... begging, pleading and give you a bread crumbs to continue her A !!!!. You play this game you will drained your LB$ and you will say ... "NO MATTER IF YOU CHANGED I AM NOT GOING TO TAKE YOU ..."

Keep us posted ... I would not go with her to the fair ... unless ALL CONDITIONS ARE FILLED AND VERIFYIED. Anwyway kepp us updated and don't do harsh thing !. come back here to evnt and get second oppinion if that is going to matter to you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . Remember if WW still have conatact and lies to you ... even assuming this fair is going well (+1 on LB$) she will need to deposit +4 more !!!!.

She is addicted to OM & A ... and you are NOT strong enough and take it personnally.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>OK, here is what happended today, this is like a bad soap opera.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>
2x4! wack ! ... You walk into it ! no one to blame, you are still "playing" as an actor in this episode, main supporting cast <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> .-rh-

Not to make you feel like a piñata (after redhat's swinging of the ol' 2x4 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) but you should reiterate to her the 2 deal breakers if she doesn't want to find herself a divorced woman:

1.End ALL contact with the OM FOREVER by sending him a letter or e-mail explaining briefly and directly that she does not want to see him ever again. You want to be a witness to her doing this.

2.Willingly agree to a marital recovery plan that includes counseling with a pro-marriage counseling professional like Steve Harley or Penny Tupy(our resident MB coach with the username of 'cerri' and founder of www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com) as well as following the four rules for a succesful marriage(see my link bellow).

If she is unwilling to those 2, then she is not serious about rebuilding the marriage.

<small>[ July 25, 2003, 03:59 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Rookie,

I don't recall if I have ever posted to you or not. I have however followed your story.

I think you did the right thing, and you should continue on the path toward selling the house and separating from her.

I liked Coffeeman's comment, She wanted passion, she has got passion. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> You passionately hate this situation and you are going to solve the problem. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sort of reminds me of many years ago in military training. When things were particularly rough, it was time for an "attitude check". Someone you yell out, "attitude check" and the response would be "I hate this place". Followed by the question "postive or negative?" and the answer is "I postiviely hate this place." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Ah! the good old days. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I think your W had the fog lifted for a second there. Reality really can be *****. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I doubt that the fog will stay lifted, but it is time for her to figure out you won't play her games any longer.

She wants 6 months to figure things out, and lies about NC. No big surprise there, but I feel the message is straight forward. You cannot count on her, so sell the house, and move on. Do it with the best of the Harley approaches: minimum or better no LB's, radical honesty, care, and protection (for you, your children, and finally her), BUT start the process.

It is really up to her to decide if she is going to get on board or not. She has had time, and she is sitting on the fence. I am guessing BUT I guess she never really thought she would lose you. You have hung in there for so long.

So enjoy the day out, start the process of selling the house, and file for separation if your state allows it. That would be my plan, and then I would see if her plans change.

When she sees OM Monday, she may change her mind, OR he may look a little different. One never knows.

You have done well, and it is time end the games by taking action as YOU see fit, not as she sees fit.

God Bless,

JL

"1.End ALL contact with the OM FOREVER by sending him a letter or e-mail explaining briefly and directly that she does not want to see him ever again. You want to be a witness to her doing this.

2.Willingly agree to a marital recovery plan that includes counseling with a pro-marriage counseling professional like Steve Harley or Penny Tupy(our resident MB coach with the username of 'cerri' and founder of www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com) as well as following the four rules for a succesful marriage(see my link bellow)."

I would add a third condition that she should move back into the home and sublet her apartment so that she can put into practice the principles of MB.

Either she is committed to rebuilding the marriage or she is bull****ting you.

ACTION SPEAKS LOUDER THAN WORDS.

All, thanks for the responses, been a very emotional day and to see you all here in the cheering section is very uplifting, this is a lonely venture we are all on and I count on you guys/gals and respect ALL opinions, everyone here has played the game, some won some lost, but WE played.

We didnt make the fair, but we did go to a movie with the son, to a antique car show and dinner. I kept it very light, did ask her if OP responded to her e-mail, she said no, but he did open it and read it. I am checking with the OP's wife in a few, I'll find out from her if he is on a suicide watch at this time or not. HE IS NUTS.

She did state that she might not make it to the apartment, remember I said the Inlaws were selling their house, well the contract is being presented at the price they want tomorow, they will need a place to stay till they buy their out of state residence (the further they move the better, I will help them pack so no time is lost) In the mean time I did tell her to stay at her parents house (i did not explain why, but I am still quite pissed and dont want to start anything, I also dont want her thinking she can just walk back in), she agreed to that, right now space is a good thing.

No, I am not going to sell the house at this moment, but she is not aware of that, if I do, as I explained to her, I planned on buying a good distance from here so she would not rely on me as always. If I did sell now and move out of the area, I would be putting a block to her comming back as where I would buy is out of my son's school district, and the district I would move to is not desirable for his education, sooo.

Off to talk to the OP wife, should be interesting,
Thanks all, never met any of you, but you are all very special to me. Thanks.

OK, just got off the phone with the OP's wife. She did speak with the friend that is on vacation with her H, the OP.

My W DID send him the e-mail stating that she is no longer talking to him, the OP was throwing things around the cabin complaining she broke it off with him.

I am estatic that he has a over abundence of stomache acid for a change, but Monday, when he returns to work will be another day....

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You're making progress! The OM's wife is your ally too. Just keep following the MB plan.

The OP's wife is adamant about divorcing him over the A, she states that she under no terms will she ever take him back, she intially wanted to reconcile but gave up hope after the A continued.

I am sure the OP is not aware of what he is loosing because of this.

I have spoken with her numerous times, even though my W is the reason for their divorce, she ends each conversation with hope that we can work our problems out and that she knows I love my wife, very classy for a woman scorned.

I have much respect for her and always will.

When advised to contact the OP's spouse I originally did not think it a good idea, I was very wrong, if my marriage does work out she will be very responsible for it. I will never be able to thank her enoough for her courage through her own problems to help me with mine.

It is truly a shame this guy is not aware of what he is giving up, I am sure when he does wake up he will be kicking himself in the [censored].

rookie, send OMW to this web site ... to get support. Beside if they could work out their M, the further away OM from your WW.

-rh-