I hope you are keeping notes of HER CONTACTING YOU! Why put yourself in that position to speak, email or talk to someone who has a COURT ORDER AGAINST YOU! That is just asking for more trouble. It may seem funny to you, but in the courts eye, you look like the angry, stalking ex-husband, especially with the I STILL LOVE WHO YOU ARE COMMENT! She can use that against you too by saying I called to talk regarding settlement or son and he started with the OBSESSIVE I LOVE YOU'S! I could be wrong but it seems you are doing more harm to your case than good! No contact!

trying, I have not spoken with her AT ALL, I hang up the phone, close the door and such, I love who you WERE, was a comment that flew out without thought, wont happen again.

Yes, I am keeping a record of how many times she calls, the court order prohibits any contact with her while she is at work, so she takes it that she is free to call me at home, today twice so far, again I hang up.

I will not put myself in a position for her to make any further false claims.

The divorce is not final yet, and I dont want her using any contacts as a hammer.

I use this forum as a way of keeping a log of what is going on.

Thought about the conversation, as brief as it was on Sunday.

She claimed that she received a e-mail from her attorney Sunday stating that the proposal for the D was pulled from the table.

My first thought was that it is hard enough to get a attorney to respond during normal work hours of the week, and her attorney e-mails her on a Sunday morning to say they pulled the offer????

Second thought about this is that a attorney will not pull any offer which was agreed upon by the plantiff and the representing attorney without first contacting the plantiff to explain the reasons why a offer was pulled, what remedies they would expect in response to the reconsideration, and the attorney would not pull it without the consent of the plantiff.

For her to say she was totally unaware of the actions of her attorney is complete b.s, I feel she was sniffing out to see where I was with her offer, although my attorney did state on Saturday the offer was pulled (I have known my attorney for over 25 years). If my attorney knew about it on Sat. and he was out of town all week, and he finds the time to call me on a Sat., she knew darn well her proposal was yanked from the table and the reasons why,hmmm.

Everyday brings a issue to hand. Yesterday, I changed the loan on my motorcycle to get her off the loan, I closed the joint checking account, she was writting checks out of that account and I had no idea as to where I was financialy on a day to day basis, Althought the mortgage came out of that account, I redirected the payments to me so I could take care of it, and her car payment which was a automatic withdrawal from the account has been stopped. I will advise her to make other arraingements to pay for her car.

I almost forgot.

I have read here numerous times how the WS rewrites the history of your marriage when they are involved in a A.

A few days ago I was cleaning out some drawers and came across a journal she kept while I was dispatched to Calif. on a investigation.

In the journal, which was written 4 years ago, mind you she claims our marriage has been in the pits for the last 5 years, she states that she has come to realize how important we are to each other, that we were more of a meeting of souls, that should something happen to either one of us she would know what the true meaning of love was and how it felt to be truly loved.

She described the things she loved about me, thanked me for our child and how important he was to us and how good of a father I was, and how much she loved me as her husband.

I am not a very emotional type, it brought a tear to my eye and I get misty as I type this knowing how she has changed our history to justify what is going on now.

I was reminded of this when I read km's post about spouses forgeting the good times and focusing on the negetives.

Rookie I am so sorry for the pain of reading that old journal of hers has caused you. You may want to consider giving it back to her the next time she comes by your house to drop off your son.

A day does not go by without some crap from her.

I just recieved in the mail a notification I have to appear in court in two weeks as she is seeking temporary child support, day care and other misc. payments.

Seems she forgot she is on the mortgage, home equity loan and various credit cards that I have been paying ON MY OWN.


I will agree to the child support and related issues, if she pays her half of the above mentioned bills, in fact it would be cheaper for me if that was agreed to.

She goes out and gets laid, I get F****D
Big time venting ..............

I spoke with my attorney in regards to the court appearance.

If she demands child support and other misc. payments, we are going to pursue her paying her half of the mortgage and payments on all bills which are in joint. In short, if she does the math, she will be better off staying with the program as it currently is set up as she will actually loose money if she is granted her requests but held liable for her half of the marital bills.

My attorney stated that there is no way a judge would order me to pay both, marital bills and child support. Once the house is sold, then I would start with the support.

If she agrees to this along with dropping her order of protection the D could be finalized on the 10th of November. If she does not agree, my attorney suggests not waiving the two year seperation as required in this state.

Since she is totally involved with the OP, I think she will accept the terms as presented.

The only thought I have on this is how crazy the whole thing is. I know someday when the fog lifts and reality sets in and she looks at the situation as everyone else sees it, she is going to loose it. She has always looked down on cheating and has said that there was never any reason for it.

She has compromised this family, her son's life, my life and the respect that she has had, for what... a fantasy.

I believe in my heart that God has some very speacial plans for her and the OP. All I ask is they get what they deserve and pray for God to give the son and myself the courage to get through this.

Hi Rookie,

I've read your whole thread (took me most of a week to do LOL) and now check every day for your updates. It sound to me like she's trying to start disputes with you maybe just as an excuse to try to make contact? Or she could be trying to make you hurt/angry enough so she can claim YOU want the marraige to break up to relieve some of her guilt. Then it's not her fault by yours or at least mutual blame. So maybe that's the motive behind all her demands? Or it could just be her lawyer or the other man is pushing her to ask for these things?

"If she agrees to this along with dropping her order of protection the D could be finalized on the 10th of November. If she does not agree, my attorney suggests not waiving the two year seperation as required in this state.

Since she is totally involved with the OP, I think she will accept the terms as presented."

I don't know, my husband made lots of noise and threats about wanting to get the divorce over ASAP, being SURE his mind is made up (except for one week of ambivalence when other woman had dumped him), supposedly felt more love and committment to other person than to me, blah-blah-blah... BUT he didn't file for divorce until a year after separation started, threw monkey wrench into proceedings with el-bizaro false accusations that I had no choice but to contest (because otherwise it would have led to losing custody of the children) which resulted in major delay of divorce, THEN just a few weeks before the divorce would have been final agreed to sign a separation agreement delaying divorce for another year! (because it was the only way I would agree to keep seeing him - said there'd be no future contact after divorce final) So another possible motive for her demands could be she is trying to stall proceedings. REMEMBER - don't believe anything they say - FOG motivated bluffing? She's trying to convince herself as much as anyone else that she's certain of what she wants.

"The only thought I have on this is how crazy the whole thing is. I know someday when the fog lifts and reality sets in and she looks at the situation as everyone else sees it, she is going to loose it. She has always looked down on cheating and has said that there was never any reason for it."

And THAT could be why she's being so hostile right now. She's angry at herself but directing that anger at you maybe? In order for her to justify doing something so below her own morals she has to get you angry enough to say or do something that she can point to as an excuse why the marriage just can't be saved.

Also I read somewhere that as long as they never come home they rationalize they really didn't do anything wrong - just made a new start. But by expecting them to come home we're asking them to feel shame and guilt because THEN the adultery was a betrayal! FOG 'logic' to be sure - insane but whatever helps them sleep at night? My husband and the other woman even told me I'm NOT his wife anymore! (Divorce won't be final until Sept 15, 2004) They claim they are NOT committing adultery because he had already moved out. Whatever... So in my husband's mind if he came home, and had to ask forgiveness and repair damage, etc. THEN he'd have to admit he did something wrong. Weirdness huh?

I know - it's the fog talk, and it's an addiction, and typical affair behavior, etc. And I REALLY DO believe that too... But at times I wonder how I will be able to ever trust him again. I mean it's shocking to watch somebody you've spent so many years with employ such flimsy excuses to justify doing something so cruel to you. And I KNOW he would never stand by ME like this. What if I go through all this and then become ill and he dumps me? What if he's not willing to help me recover from his affair? Or what if he has another affair? I guess that's why I'm supposed to be spending my time in Plan B learning all I can about how to act when/if we reconcile, lining up all the support we'll need, working on getting my half of the problems solved, etc. And taking care of myself and daughters anyway just in case it doesn't work out.

I know it's really scary and sad when they start with all the legal threats and demands but try not to take it too seriously. Just tell your lawyer, try not to escalate it, don't let her bait you into contact let alone confrontation, and remember she's really scared, confused, and hurting right now too. If she doesn't get a hostile reaction from you she will probably cool down and back off.

I'll say a quick prayer that you will worry less and find something really fun to distract you from it today.

icedancer, I read your post and appreciate what you have said, it is good, if there is anything in this that can be called good, it is that there are people who can relate to this situation without simply saying dump the *****, sorry, but I am very tired of that line.

I actually laughed when I read your statement about your H rationalization that since you were not living together and he was with the other, that he was not committing adultery, I received that exact same line from my W, good God, lying, selfish minds think exactly alike.

My W, she is deparate to get out of this marriage and start A NEW, yeah, so she has agreed to all the proposed changes. I spoke with my attorney again this morning. The only sticking point is she is waffling about dropping the order of protection.

Seems she does not want me contacting her soul mate, I countered a few of her accusations towards me awhile back directly to him, I also let him know exactly what I thought of him. He must have squealed like a stuck pig and she does not want me contacting him any further, hence the order of protection prohibiting any contact with her fellow employees, which he is one of.

It is stated here very often how this all plays out like a script, so far she has not missed a beat as described here. Her actions and words have been hauntingly similiar to what all have said they would be.

I expect a big fall for her in the near future (no crystal ball needed), as soon as the reality of this all sets in, I predict within the year. At that point, for my own sanity it will be too late.

Having read my thread, you know of her concern while I went through the cancer, scary enough to do with someone you love supporting you. Absolutley frightening when the one that you love abandons you in the middle of the fight of your life. When she looks back on her actions, I think I will have to call the suicide hot line for her.

ice, thanks, at this time I need all the support and understanding everyone here has provided.

rookie,

Have you check gollum's song out ?. Get a box of klenex ...

-rh-

Rookie,

I don't know who's more scared of further contact/exposure - my husband or I LOL

"Seems she does not want me contacting her soul mate, I countered a few of her accusations towards me awhile back directly to him, I also let him know exactly what I thought of him. He must have squealed like a stuck pig and she does not want me contacting him any further, hence the order of protection prohibiting any contact with her fellow employees, which he is one of."

He flipped out when I talked to a couple of his relatives and coworkers a few months back. The other woman called the police on me just for calling her on the phone, said I wasn't his wife anymore and hung up on me. My husband has threatened they were going to get a restraining order against me and make up false accusations to try to have me arrested if I try to contact anyone again to expose what's going on.

You know what I think Rookie? I think our spouses and their adultery partners get angry because they want to pretend they aren't hurting anyone and that what they're doing is somehow not sleazy and shameful. And the incredible tin is they actually expect us to go along with this pretense! Sick IMO

Also Rookie,

I think it's just awful the way she treated you when you were battling cancer. You should be able to depend on your spouse to see you through the bad times - not to run off. And by comparison look how much pain you are willing to endure to try to save your marriage - basically standing by her even though SHE has a problem.

A year ago I got two phone calls: from my mother-in-law and a sister-in-law, chewing me out for not caring about my husband enough to let him come home, WITHOUT having to complete anger management, even though he had cancer! He had not said anything whatsoever to me and our daughters about having cancer - the angry calls from his relatives is how we found out AFTER he had already told them I supposedly didn't care! BUT a couple months before that he had posted a pity party message on his family's webpage about how awful it would be if he had prostate cancer just like his step-dad did but I still wouldn't let him come home. So most of my friends and relatives don't believe he even had cancer. My daughters and I pray for him anyway but when we ask about his next appt. he mumbles and won't tellus where or when it is. His family made an appt. at a specialist near them but he cancelled it. He isn't even going to an oncologist or getting any medical treatment for the cancer. Says he just tried some herbal stuff he found online and only has an appt. with a geneal practitioner once every 3 months to see if the cancer is spreading or growing. Says the hospitals and doctors have known about this herbal cure for cancer since the 1930's but have kept it a secret in order to make $ off of dying cancer patients... Says he won't get regular treatment because his family is convinced that's what killed his step-father, not the cancer, that his family supports him in refusing treatment. A relative I talked to said that's a lie, they are worried sick he won't get treatment. Also once when he told me the cancer had stayed the same size he had told his family it had shrunk. He admitted to me once that he doesn't want to get medical treatment because he doesn't want side effects of hair loss and impotence (which would matter to younger bimbo - NOT to me and his daughters!) A couple of days ago he sent an e-mail to one of our daughters saying he just had check-up and cancer is gone! Claims all you have to do to CURE (not just prevent) cancer is just eat right and exercise, says he doesn't even have to go for another appt. until February...

I felt REALLY bad that I couldn't let him come home when his relatives chastised me for suposedly not caring he had cancer. But at the time I had severe hypertension that was not yet under control and he had a severe anger/violence problem that he was refusing to get any help for. I was already in danger of having a stroke or heart attack without being exposed to his anger/violence. By the time they found the right medicines to control my hypertension and he started behaving more civil, he was involved in the affair and didn't want to come home anymore. (In fact his affair started the same time as his cancer claim as far as I can tell.) I don't think we will ever know if he really even had cancer or it was just what he needed to tell people to make me appear evil enough to justify his affair?

Sorry to sidetrack your thread but I just needed to tell somebody about it. When I read about how your wife didn't stand by you through your cancer I feel guilty I couldn't be there for my husband.
I tried to assure my husband that if he got into counseling he could come home and I would take care of him through the treatments but he didn't want to. He hardly ever mentioned the cancer to my daughters and I. During Plan A I offered to go with him to doctor appt's but he said other woman does that for him. I found some info online about a less painful way to monitor cancer than the needle biopsies he described but he just took the info with no comment whatsoever. So I feel guilty for not being able to help him in some way.

redhat, I broke out a bucket for the tears, but, couldnt down load it.

ice, just hand your husband a shovel and tell him to start digging his own grave.

Dr's do say you can live up to 15 years without any significant side effects of prostate cancer, but once the time period is up, your down.

Yes, you can monitor the progress of prostate through PSA level checks, but it also requires the byopsie test, painful, humiliating, but if you are interested in saving ur life, gotta do it.

Yes, impotency is a side affect of the surgery, but, through chemistry that could be overcome till your body starts to handle it naturally on its' own. It has been over a year, and not to sound crass, things are starting to rise on their own.

That is the issue I really believe freaked my W out, we were very active, and suddenly it came to a halt. If she had the love in her heart to stand by me throught that time, which is still going on, I can only imagine what life would be like.

But, it is during our hard times that the true character of people is shown, to bad she was that shallow.

rookie I was wondering if you could post your experience with ED to Silverthorn (a BH) over at the Recovery forum, who has been having problems with ED. He and his W (Poe) need as much info as possible to help resolve his ED and I'm sure they would appreciate your insights and knowledge you can give them. Thanks in advance.

<small>[ October 30, 2003, 05:00 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Rookie -

I'm still worried even though he is now claiming the cancer is gone. We (daughters and I, close friends & my relatives) already knew my husband had problems with honesty, manipulation, self-pity... So we were hoping he really didn't have cancer - just another one of his lies. (I rarely said this to anyone just in case he really did have cancer because I didn't want to sound insensitive. But almost everyone I know reacted to the news with 'yea right - he's just lying')
We would pray for him, try to get him to tell us about last & next appt.'s but I have to admit we mostly had to try to put it out of our minds hoping it just wasn't true and he wouldn't listen to our concerns or tell us much anyway. I kept asking him wasn't he worried the cancer might grow or spread between visits? We were especially worried about possiblity of it spreading to other parts of his body and by the time he went in for appt.s so far apart it might be too late. He said he was doing what's called 'watchful waiting'. I did find an article that said 20% of men diagnosed do this BUT it said it was for OLDER men who probably wouldn't live too much longer anyway. (Surgery was the #1 choice for younger men.) In the case of the older patients the quality of life decrease from aggressive treatment in their final years wasn't worth it or the treatment itself might be too dangerous for their health/life. My husband had told me more men die WITH prostate cancer than FROM it - BUT didn't mention that was referring to men much older than he is (more like in their 70's than 50) Anyway, what's weird is now that he says the cancer is gone I'm starting to worry he really does have cancer and just doesn't want anyone trying to talk him into treatment anymore?

Redhat - my daughters are major LOTR fans. They love that Gollum Song clip. But it doesn't play the graphics anymore - just the sound. I'm tempted to send it to my husband in an e-mail... but NO CONTACT. Maybe if he doesn't come around before the divorce is final I will send it to him as a parting shot?

TMCM, I looked at silverthorns post, I saw the type of dog issue, and another post and didnt know at that point what to add. I would be more than happy to help.

Ice, his cancer didnt go away by eating prunes or broccoli, if he has prostate cancer, ask him what his PSA level is. You are correct in the treatment of older patients, I was 49 when I was diagnosed and had the surgery, in one sense I am happy that it is gone and my PSA level is nill, but in another I cant help but think it was the start of all the problems with the W.

Rookie I'm sorry I wasn't specific about where to post(it was Poe's thread Happy, happy, joy, joy) but I'm glad you found it and gave your knowledge and insights to her.

I have no doubt whatsoever that after your divorce becomes final, you will indeed meet a woman who truly knows the meaning of the word love and will be so thankful to God that she found a man like you.

God bless you.

Rookie, I agree with what TooMuchCoffeMan said about you most likely will meet a woman after the divorce who will be more loyal and caring than your wife was. I have made it a rule throughout my marriage to not discuss my marriage with the opposite sex (except a couple of marriage counselors we went to of course). So it's sort of an eye-opener to realize there are husbands working as hard to save their marriages as their are wives. I just wish MY husband was one of them LOL. I still think your wife will come around eventually but I guess if she really is rushing through with the divorce I guess not in time?

And about the PSA levels, is that one of the things they can check by blood tests? I asked several times didn't he get any tests done to check levels of things to see if cancer was getting worse or spreading. It was one of those mumble responses if any response at all. He never talked about PSA levels, even when he claimed he was cured. He just said he had a biopsy done a few times during the year and didn't have any other tests or even appt.s in between. The herbal junk he bought was something he said he only tried for a few weeks but was too expensive (less than what he earns in one day) and made him too sick. But his family has been under the impression he was using this alternative cure all along. The crash diet he was on wasn't healthy and started almost a year before telling his relatives he had cancer. For the first few months ALL he ate was fruit and white rice, then added soy sauce and an occasional can of tuna over the next few months. Our daughters were scared he had an eating disorder. Everyone we know thinks he looks way too skinny, unhealthy, and much older now. Also, we noticed that whenever the other woman dumped him he would relax his strict diet and eat more normally, even eating candy and cake, further indicating it was a diet for vanity's sake, to try to keep a much younger woman.

Anyway, I will keep you in my prayers through this tough time. I still think there may be a slight chance your wife will find some excuse to stall the divorce, have 2nd thoughts maybe? We were just a few weeks from the divorce date when my husband made up his mind to sign separation papers instead. And the papers didn't actually get signed until just a few days before the divorce date. Also, do you live in a state where she can have her divorce reversed and/or subsequent marriage annuled if done soon afterwards? (Where my sister lives you can't even live with your lover let alone marry them within 6 months of a divorce and if you reconcile with your spouse during that time the divorce is just canceled!) Rushing into this to get it all over with legally will not settle things once and for all with her emotionally.

Ice, yes the PSA level is detected by a blood test. If a guys level is 1-3 he is OK, 4 and above require the ole scope up butt.

From what I read about your H, wouldnt psychiatric help be more appropriate?, seems he might have used the cancer bit as a sympathy ploy with the family and to turn your ignorance of his self diagnosis into a situation that made it look like you didnt care.

NO DOCTOR WILL SCOPE unless you have symptoms, such as the PSA level, so when your husband had it done a couple times, it definelty raised my eyebrows.

If your husband can cure cancer with herbs, tell him to take his show on the road, he'd make millions.

I did get the return from my W's attorney for the proposals I have made in regards to the divorce, she must want out bad, she agreed to everything except, so far dismissing the order of protection, which I am sure when we are in the court room on the 10th she will agree to.

She agreed to not go after my pension as all, which in this state they can, and she did not go after my Mutual funds, not a massive amount of money, but still a tidy sum. She also agrees that her request for the monthly child suport was high and dropped the amount to the amount I sai was appropriate.

The OP must really have handed her a line and is pushing hard for her to finalize.

My bet is that they are married by Christmas, his divorce should be finale bout the same time. Wont that be a blessed event. I can hear the vows now, do you promise to keep your pants up, well atleast till the ceremony is over.?, Do you promise to run as soon as things dont satisfy your self centered ways. Do you promise to fold on your partner as soon as he gets a cold?, forget the honor, cherish and respect part, they would look at each other wondering what the hell that means, if so I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. lowlife

Spoke with my attorney this morning, looks like it is a go to finalize the D on the 10th, she did agree to drop the order of protection and everything else I asked for.

She is in a big hurry, OP's D was to be finalized, same day, same Judge, OP's W changed the date as it was going to be way to weird all of us sitting in that court room together, seems soon I'll be posting in the Divorce section.