Two months ago, I found out that my wife of 15 years had been having an affair. We have two teenage daughters, one of whom is devastated, and the other who (as a defense mechanism) acts as if nothing has happened. From the beginning, I have made it clear that I am committed to doing whatever it takes to rebuild our marriage and family...but my wife has not been able to make the same commitment. The strange thing is...I don't know why this happened...and she isn't able to tell me, other than "it's just not there any more." She says she thinks I'm a wonderful man and that she respects me greatly, but that she just doesn't have romantic feelings for me any more. I was taken completely by surprise, as she has never once complained about being unhappy in our marriage...which, in many respects, has been an Ozzie and Harriet marriage. Over these two months, my wife has treated me very coldly...something she has never done before. We were very close to getting a divorce, but, mostly for the sake of our daughters, have decided to hold off for a while..to see if her "heart of stone" (as she calls it) will soften up...and she will have feelings for me again. She has agreed to start treating me more civily...but hasn't really lived up to that agreement, reportedly due to her hectic work schedule. I'd like to start "dating" her again and really open up the lines of communication so I can start meeting her emotional needs better...but she appears uninterested, depressed or too busy at work to talk openly with me. I've sent her flowers, candy and supportive emails many times, and have done just about everything I can think of to gain her favor...all to no avail. How do I win her back if she doesn't appear to want to be won back? What do I do next? If we didn't have kids, I'd probably divorce her, but I want to do everything possible to spare my daughters that awful experience. I think our marriage can be salvaged...but she seems very pessimistic about it. Any thoughts or advice?

I'll defer to Bill...<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited December 31, 1999).]

Welcome <B>Searching</B> to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>I know the feelings all to weel. My W said virtualy the same thing. The information on this sight can help fix your W's cold heart it's just going to take alot of worh onyour part. Check out my latest thread and it will explain what I'm doing to reidy my situation.<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OP/OW/OM).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A><P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial!<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here!<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...<P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>You're probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>There is never any guarantee to save all marriages... life doesn't work that way, unfortunately.<BR>We can, and do guarantee, to give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <P>I plagerised this from NSR but it covers most of the bases.<P>Bill<P>"commit to the Lord what ever you do, and your plans will succeed" Proverbs16:3<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Thanks Bill. I appreciate your helpful words.

NSR ... you're too kind. Why don't we just admit that your words are the best welcome anyone can get here on MB's Infidelity Forum? And make it the official greeting whenever anyone new pops in and needs some comfort... <P>Searching, take heed of those words, and PLEASE do explore this site, post as often as you feel the need and recognize that you are in the company of people who truly know EXACTLY how you feel. A good thread to read right now that might shed some light on some of what you are encountering is this one:<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/011384.html" TARGET=_blank>AGREE & DISAGREE</A> begun by brownphd.<P>We do understand where you are!<BR>Happy New Milennium ...<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I believe in miracles...<P><BR>

Thank you Terri. It's good to know I'm not alone...and that my feelings are understood.

Searching,<BR>im sure this is a very hard thing to go through. I have been married for 6 years. Im in a catastrophe right now. I have tried to talk to my husband for 3 years now. I told him that I was lonely and empty. He never litened. Now that I was in the lonely world. Someone recognized me and acknowledged me. Now i have myself in a mess. Im in love with the other man. But I have lost it all for my husband. We do not have any children. The sad thing is that I never intended for this to happen. I know this is so wrong in Gods eyes.And not to mention that the other person is marrried. Ill keeep you in my prayers and God Bless!

My unfaithful wife has made it clear she does not know if she wants to remain married to me...and has made it clear that she's too busy at work for the next three weeks to be able to talk to me about it. Do I just grin and bear the pain of her cold shoulder treatment while waiting for her to be ready to talk...or do I push her to talk and risk evoking her wrath? I know that honest conversation is key to rebuilding ur marriage...but if she's not even sure she wants to rebuild the marriage, how do I get her to talk? How long do I give her before I call it quits...and if I do that...how do I deal with the pain this will inflict upon my two teenage daughters?

I strongly suggest Plan A. It has been showing me visible results in the past couple of months. Find something that she is interested in. Mine is interestd in shopping. Find out what it is and become an expert at it. That will give you something to talk to her about. that is what she needs right now. Do not talk about the relationship at all. she doesn't want to hear about it right now. Just find something that she likes to talk about and learn all there is to know. good luck. It is in your hands to spare your daughters the mess of divorce. My prayers are with you.

DFloyd01. Good advice. I got my wife to agree to a date by promising her I wouldn't talk about our relationship or our problems. We will just go out for a fun evening...dinner and a movie. At least that's a start. This forum has been very helpful. Thank you to everyone who has replied!

Searching,<P>I posted this a couple of days ago. This is how I see this whole thing.<P>What can I do?<P>I can try to run from it. IN a bottle of booze or pills. I'll only have to deal with it later.<P>I can live in denial. That won't work either, the cloud of my own delusional lies will eventually dissapate, then I have to deal with it anyhow.<P>OR<P>I can look it in the face and get into the solutions!! To me this was the only option. I can't drink or do drugs, I'm an addict and that will only make things worse. I can't deny what happened, so why bother.<P>So far this has been the most painful thing I've experienced in my 31 years. So far this has been the most growing experience in my life. I have learned how to feel, I have learned what love is, and most importantly I have a real relationship with God.<P>I had to ask myself, DO I WANT MY MARRIAGE TO WORK? YES I DO.<P>Does it matter who's to blame? NO!<P>What am I willing to do? Whatever it takes!<P>The first thing I had to do is own my part of my marriages failings. This is as real as it gets folks. If I did my job as a husband there wouldn't have been a void in my relationship. That was a hard-[censored] pill to swollow!!!<P>Knowing my shortcomings is my starting point.After I identified those things about me I have begun to change.<P>Read this very closely:<BR>CHANGE ONLY COMES ON BENDED KNEE<P>God is the only one that I can really draw my strength and courage from. Without Him I have a huge hole in my gut, Only a relationship with Him can fill that hole.<P>Next comes surrender. NOT EASY!!! I have to do it over and over and over. <P>What are the facts? My wife is in fantacy love with another person. OUCH!!!<P>Who has to take the lead in repairing the marriage? Me. Does it matter why? NO!<P>What to do now? Follow the principles Dr.H has laid out. It is that simple.<P>I have seen enough examples of success to know that they do work.<P>The biggest thing I have to do is stop begging and bargaining. W knows I want to reconcile, groveling doesn't work.<P>I have to stop trying to educate her. She is in the grips of a horrific addiction. From what I've seen, I know heroin addicts that have had an easier time kicking there habbit. The only thing lectureing has done is drive her farther away.<P>Showing her how angry I am doesn't work either. OP doesn't scream, judge and condem her, why come home to that.<P>Showing her how hurt I am has done nothing but heap more guilt on her. OP doesn't make her feel guilty.<P>Right now OP is the only place she doesn't have to face reality, it feels safe.<P>Right wrong or indifferent, this is how it is.<P>What to do? Create a safe place for her to go when she crashes. That is what plan-a does. How long do I plan-a? Until moving into plan-b doesn't feel like punishment to her, or until I start to feel my love for her starting to fade.<P>Am I going to have to eat alot of crap? You bet. Will this build into a deep seeded resentment? Only if I don't have a place to vent.<P>I forget which post it was but the author takes no blame for S's EMA. I say bull****.<BR>In order for me to grow and learn from this I don't have to be honest, I have to GET honest! Again, If I were such a great S my [censored] wouldn't be posting here.<P>You are probably wondering what is so positive about this post. Well, I'll tell you.<P>I am going to restore my marriage. I am going to Follow God on this very narrow path. I know what His will is. His will shall be done. Not in my time, in His. All I have to do is stay out of His way. Plan-a & b, give me the power to do that.<P><BR>All marriages can be restored. I have to have the strength of character to wait. <P>Someone also said the wedding vow said for better or worse. That goes both ways.<P>If I really want my marriage restored I have to find the winners and do what they do. If I can't get my **** together, and accept the fact that I'm going to have to do the work here, I might as well give up now and not waste my time.<P>For me the only way I can get through this is my faith in God. He will never let me down.<P>You will hear me piss&moan from time to time, however I will keep my hope and faith up in the face of total despair.<P>No one said life was easy.<P>I could write a whole thread on the gifts I have recieved because of my W infidelity. Just know that I already am a better person.<P>Remember:"commit to the Lord what ever you do, and your plans will succeed" Proverbs16:3<P>I love each and every one of you and you are all in my prayers.<P>Bill<P>Read the responces I got to this. I hope it helps. The post was about positive thinking.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Bill, for someone who is only a year older than me, you are so much wiser than I. You're another inspiration that if I want my marriage back I have to fight like hell!!!

Searching,<P>DON'T GIVE UP, RIGHT NOW SHE'S PROBABLY AS CONFUSED AS YOU ARE, DON'T TRY TO TALK ABOUT THE AFFAIR WITH HER UNLESS SHE BRINGS IT UP- I DID EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE AND WHEN I THOUGHT THAT WE HAD MADE SOME PROGRESS SHE SAYS TO BE "TIRED OF THINKING", SO NOW WE JUST SIT AND SAY NOTHING.<P>COME BACK OFTEN TO MB, DAILY IF YOU CAN, YOU HAVE FRIENDS HERE. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.<P>ALEX<P>------------------<BR>Live and learn

Searching: If you truly want your marriage to work,, 2 months is really short time.. This is going to take a long time for you both to get through...... BUT you CAN..<P>I too, had a great marriage (I thought) until all of a sudden one day, I got the ole......I am not happy speach... Well, a few months later I found out about the ow.. My was not only cold to me, he at times was acutally mean to me.. He changed over night.. I couldnt understand.<P>He too, said he loves me but isnt in love,,,etc...<P>Searching, it took 13 months for us to get through this ordeal.. My husband is finally broken his addiction to ow...and his feelings are getting stronger for me everyday.. At midnight, New Years... He kissed me, and hugged me so tight and for so long, I couldnt believe it,, then I could tell he had cried a little while held me..<BR>It was wonderful,,,,,<P>I have been through he!! this year, but I made it,,, and so can you,,,, your marriage can not only survive this, but can improve...<P><BR>William J gave you everything to get you started on this.. Its going to take a lot of hard work and patience.. YOur gonna have to take a step back, and let her work through this on her own.. Still let her know you care, and love her, but dont smother her/// Its going to be difficult for you to meet her needs until she has made up her mind to get om out of her life, and has made it through withdrawal.. <P>If you hit search under mickey65, there are a couple op posts you should read.. A story of hope, and Private lies..<P>Keep posting here, it will help you with the patience you will need for this terrible roller coaster ride.. We will help you..<P>Also, please just read a lot of books on affairs,, the best thing I did was educate myself on infidelity... It helped me understand that a lot of what my h was experiencing was typical for an affair.. <P>Best wishes... One thing good that you have going for you is that it sounds like you have had a good marriage and family for you wife to go back to once she gets through this.. I dont think my would of came back if we didnt have a good foundation....