Hi Everyone, I am new here.
It is apparent to me that my wife is involved in a (what appears to be )one-sided emotional affair with one of her Tae Kwon Do instructors.
She has been taking classes for 10 months now and 3 months ago announced to me that she no longer has feelings for me and has ended our relationship , except for the household business and around the kids(2 boys, 11 and 5). Has been a stay at home mom since before oldest born. She says she has decided to end our 16 year marriage because of all the hurtful , inconsiderate things I have done to her starting before we were married and since then. Says we now have nothing in common and I'm not the type of person that's right for her. Never has raised a word about these issues before. I'm not the perfect husband by any means but I truly care about her and love her. We have not focued on each other much these last few years with work, kids, ect. eating away at our time together. She is also at begining stages of menopause.

I have tried in a respectful way to discuss with her the POJA and us working on our EN's, but she just says she has no interest or desire to work on our relationship.

A few weeks after she tells me this, she tells me the instructor has generated strong positive emotions in her towards him that I never did. When I asked her if she had expressed her feelings to him or if she was having an affair with him , she tells me no but she wants it (sex with him )to happen. I don't see any of the typical signs of a complete affair, time gaps, ect. but I'm not naive enough to know that it could be happening. I see the instructor when picking up the kids and have friendly talks with him and he keeps wanting me to join T-K-D classes too , but when in private I told him that wife and I have some issues and she does not want me to join her in the classes since it is "her" activity ,which she has told me when I expressed a willingness to join her so we could spend more recreation time together.

We went to a marriage counselor 3 times, but did not continue because of her lack of willingness to work on the issues. Told me and the counselor that she wants her independence and has no commitment to our marriage. Wants to wait until after the kids go back to school to discuss divorce since the 5 yo is soo looking forward to start of kindergarten that she doesn't want us splitting up to ruin his school start. Kind of ironic she is so concerned about ruining start of school for 5 yo but she is the one that wants to split up our family without trying work on our issues.

She is now going to every Tae Kwon Do class that she can, has started a parttime job and doesn't spend much time at home. Says she needs her space and time to find fullfillment for her heart and soul.

My questions are: can/should Plan A/Plan B be used for a one sided EA also? If Plan B is used, after I try Plan A, does no contact include moving out? I'm concerned about being accused of abandonment.

Thanks for everyone's help, I know that she may be able to change my life (for the second time, first time was when I fell in love with her) but she can't ruin it.

Bill, there is no different EA or PA. Plan A is about you. Learn as much as you can about MB.

Come back to your post for more questions ...

I am confused to your post "I know that she may be able to change my life (for the second time, first time was when I fell in love with her) but she can't ruin it." Could you elaborate more?.

Follow the link about General Welcome then follows WAT's BS guide.

Not to alarm you but ... I doubt it is one sided EA ... it take 2. I doubt it is only EA.

-rh-

redhat-

thanks, I know what you mean about the doubts, I guess I don't want to conclude without any direct evidence.

By change my life the second time, I mean by her ending the relationship and the change it has brought about for me in my life. She can't ruin my life because there is still so much that is good in it..kids..family...friends...work

Help me here...WAT's BS guide? Looked at General Welcome but did not see this.

Bill--

3.5 years ago my DH was involved in a weird one-sided emotional affair. In his case, the object of his affections told him point-blank to go home and work on his marriage. He was still convinced he was "meant to be" with her. Of course, I knew nothing of all this until two weeks after he told me he wanted to move out (he did not however). Sheesh.

He had some 'midlife' issues going on (as your wife prob does) and some issues with our marriage (we'd been married 18 years, and like you were in a stage of kids, work, etc eating away at time together and thus at closeness).

Anyway, yes, Plan A and Plan B still apply. A good plan A is about eliminating all LBs, meeting whatever emotional needs she will allow you to, and generally demonstrating that you can be a great marital partner, if allowed to be. When and how to go to Plan B is a very important call, esp with your situation.

You have a limited window of time to turn things around. And, my personal POV is that wives who have decided they want out are usually harder to 'turn around" than men are...that's just my observation and may not be true. My best advice is to get some professional coaching on your plan, as you do not have time to waste and mistakes can really hurt your chances. Either call the MB counseling office, or get in touch with Cerri (who is a trained MB coach, and GREAT).

Good luck...

Kathi

Thanks Kathi, I will seriously consider that and also really study the Plan A info today.

Redhat - I found Wat's BS guide this morning. Thanks for the tip.

How is it going Bill?

Got me a WS in a EA too and have been trying to follow you. My situation heated up for a bit and had to focus on it, sorry.

Hi Everyone,

Update on my situation is I have started with MB counseling to help me work a good Plan A. I have identified my LB's that have driven my wife away and have stopped LBing her and am now doing my best to show her the respect and emotional safety she needs to want to be around me. Unfortunately, she went to see a lawyer last week for an initial talk to understand divorce. Next day she proceeded to tell me how much $ she could expect from me in alimony and child support. Proud of myself that I didn't get angry or try and talk her out of what she is doing. Just told her I did not agree with divorce since we had not persued option that would allow us to fall back in love again. Asked her if she want to be in love with the father of her children.
Going to California next week to visit an old friend that i have not seen in 15 years. Interesting that my wife said to me that she wished I would come back like I was back then when we were last out there together; laid back, easygoing, fun loving. Seems like maybe an opportunity to show her I can change.

Oh, how painful it is now to see so clearly the mistakes i have made and how i have not provided the care for her that i committed to in our marriage vows.

Bill-

I see 2 big pluses on your side. One is that you have not hesitated to address your LBing and to start fixing things. The other is that your wife has indicated that she does wish she could have you, as you once were (and can be again!).

Have a good trip, and have hope.

Kathi

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by bill0126:
<strong>

Has been a stay at home mom since before oldest born. She says she has decided to end our 16 year marriage because of all the hurtful, inconsiderate things I have done to her starting before we were married and since then. Says we now have nothing in common and I'm not the type of person that's right for her.

She is also at begining stages of menopause.

A few weeks after she tells me this, she tells me the instructor has generated strong positive emotions in her towards him that I never did. .</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My W said similar things. At least you still have your wife at home. Don't do what I did and that was to wait for my W to show me something positive that I could respond to. When she first told me, I was hurt and just tried not to upset her, but I did nothing else except give her space. If I had it to do all over again, I would start giving her any kind of attention that she would accept; cards, flowers, compliments, etc. Your wife isn't telling you what you want to hear and that hurts, but reach out anyway while she is still there. It may take a long while before any kind of positive response.

Your W is in early menopause, and combine that with the fact that she has been a stay-at-home mom, she may feel like she has missed something and with life passing her by and may feeling like she should hurry up and do something before it is too late. Start trying to make Love Deposits while you have this chance.

About the instructor, this may or may not be true. To me it sounds like she wants to make you jealous; shake up your world and let you know she matters and is not to be taken for granted. I don't think these thoughts are obvious to her. Down deep, I think she wants this attention from you.

God Bless

Kathi-

thanks for your encouragement. I am hopeful but don't want to get my expectations up. Take one day at a time and focus on developing new habits to eliminate the LB's.

I also saw her statement as positive, but then yesterday she tells me she and the boys are going in the evening to a Tae-Kwon-Do group going-away-party for a family that is moving.I asked her if family members were invited also, and her response was a deep dark glare and said, "you don't know any of these people, there's no reason for you to go ". Some I do know from other similar events in the past, so it is clear to me she still doesn't want me around her with these peole now. Ouch! I just replied to her that I hoped she and the boys had a good time.

Bill

Hi Everyone,

Back from my trip this past week in California. Boy was it good to get away for a little while and see old friends.

Monty - i agree with you that doing nothing may not help, but early on after this started with us, I over reacted and started buying her flowers and little gifts (which she would just set down without any thanks never to pick up again) about once a week, and trying to talk about our issues to understand why, tell her i love her, ect. My wife's response to this at the first of only 3 visits to a local marriage counselor was: "he won't leave me alone" and "it seems so awkward". So now with my MB coached Plan A, I have focused on eliminating LB's and better meeting her EN's in the only areas she will let me: Family (kids), financial, and admiration for her weight loss, new attractive clothing, and achievments at martial arts and her new job. She won't even let me touch her to hold hands or kiss, but I still do kiss her on the cheek and tell her i love her when she is asleep before i leave for work.

Before i left on the trip monday, she handed me a paper with her desired divorce financial settlement on it (my it was generous! over 6 figures in cash in lieu of 401k and house equity as well as alimony until the kids are 18. and she says she wants her independence!) and said that since i was wanting to get away to think, here was something for me to think about. Told her again i did not agree with divorce since we had not persued options that can restore our love for each other. this time she said nothing, where last time she brought up divorce and i responded with a similar reply, she said "its too far gone for that" and "the window of opportunity closed a long time ago".

On a positive note, when i returned this time I gave her a box of chocolates this morning that I bought for her on the trip and she said thanks and we had a good discussion after dinner tonite about this past week and what we both did.

I am just continuing to take it one day at a time and see what happens.

Bill

Hang in there Bill ... you are in the good hand with MB coaching. The only outcome from this either she would turn around or she will shut you down completely. She will start feeling/seeing your changes from plan A and she has to make choice.

One sugestion from me ... WS might try to sabotage your plan A. I think you made mistake not going to the "going away" party and easily discourage. Push little bit and say anything ... and see if she let you. I know as BS we are afraid to LB but you have to test her boundry. She might let you in since it is filling her ENs.

-rh-

Bill,
How long have you been married? You said that you admire her weight lose! Did she start this class to lose weight or is she loosing this weight because of the instructor?
Mike

Hi Everyone,

We will be married 17 years this Saturday. She started her classes and the weight loss late last year, but her time spent in these T-K-D classes and the weight loss has increased since D-day at end of April.

Update:

Wife and I with our 2 kids all went to Nashville on Tuesday for our 11 yo son's 6 month visit to his neuropsychatrist doctor visit. He was very premature birth (25 wks) and has mild PDD, ADHD, OCD. I made certain to go to this appointment since wife has said one of the issues she has with me has been my lack of involvement and support in these issues our son has (partly true about involvement but she feels as she does about the support). Good trip, everyone did fine.

Tuesday evening back at home, I told her that I would like to take her out to dinner this coming Saturday evening for our 17th anniversary and I already have a babysitter arranged. Asked her to let me know what she would like to do. No reply, just this very downcast look on her face, as she looked down at the floor, not into my eyes. Still no clear response from her on going out together.She asked me if i had thought about the divorce financial proposal she gave me before my trip last week and I told her I had not even thought about it , that my trip was to visit friends and have some fun.

Later tuesday evening she and I are talking and I tell her that I understood better now why she had been so withdrawn from me emotionally the last 1-2 years and that this had also led me to withdraw when I tried to talk to her about her unhappiness and she would not open up to me. I also told her that all through our problems since May that we both agreed that doing what is best for our children was the most important thing and that I felt that the best for our kids was their parents together in the same home in a happy loving marriage. Her somewhat angry reply was "that's not going to happen!" I told her that I felt that it could happen, depending on the choices we both made.
Well, the kids start back to school today, the 5 yo starts kindergarten today. Have the camera and the kleenex ready for the big send off at the school bus stop!

Please give me some feedback on these discussions, If anyone sees any signs of LB's in my interactions with her.
Thanks.
Bill

Boy do I need some help. Soo frustrating and agitated.

Tonite my W tells me she will not go out to dinner with me Sat. evening on our 17th anniversary because she is not comfortable doing that. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
Told her I was disappointed and saddened that she felt that way. Asked her why she had looked sad or unhappy earlier tonight and if there was anything she wanted to talk about. She just shook her head and said no. Man, this is tough.
Decided the best thing for me to do then was take a long walk, which I did and it helped disapate the hurt and anger.

I am so uncertain if I have it in me to keep hanging in there with continual rejection and absolutely no ability or interest on my W part to spend any time or do anything with me. I continue to be amazed and shocked at how in such a short time someone who has been so close to me for 23 years can be so cold and distant. It's like a different personality.

Thanks for letting me vent. Better here than to her

Bill

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by bill0126:
<strong>Tonite my W tells me she will not go out to dinner with me Sat. evening on our 17th anniversary because she is not comfortable doing that.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Make the appointment anyway and cancelled it the last minutes or bring someone else if she didn't come and you are up to it. Give her the last possible benefit of the doubt.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I am so uncertain if I have it in me to keep hanging in there with continual rejection and absolutely no ability or interest on my W part to spend any time or do anything with me.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Focus on the more hurt to come if you give up now specially for you kids.

Hang in there ... -rh-

redhat-

Thanks for your encouragement and you are right that the hurt will be bigger if the kids are affected. gotta hang in there.

I also though of a variation on your suggestion to go to dinner tomorrow (later today now) nite for anniversary. Suggested to W this evening that since she was not comfortable going with me, that we all (me, W, kids) could all go out for dinner and fun if she would like. Said she would think about it. Told her that if she chooses not to go that me and the kids would be going. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks for the support and suggestions.

Well, what a surprise. Wife decides to go with me and the kids out to dinner on our anniversary.
We go, have a nice meal, kids are a little difficult but we manage OK. At end of meal , I give here a card with a Day Spa all day full "treatment" gift certificate. Though this would be a good gift since she is so into her health, appearance, and feeling good about herself. Takes the card and certificate, reads them but does not say anything to me. When we get home she just leaves it on the car seat. I get out with it and go to hand it to her and she says "I can't accept this". I toss it to her and she picks it up and leaves it on my dresser once we are in the house.

I know, as SH has advised me, that she is in full emotional withdrawl with the full wall up because she does not trust me emotionally anymore. She has arranged her work and T-K-D activities and schedule to avoid time around me as much as possible. Only EN's I can possibly fill are financial and children at this time. She won't carry-on or initiate any conversation with me. This seems to be getting worse too, even though I have stopped LBing and am not pressing her.
Anyone else ever seen or experienced such a total withdrawl? How long has it taken others before the wall starts coming down?

Thanks
Bill

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by bill0126:
<strong>Anyone else ever seen or experienced such a total withdrawl? How long has it taken others before the wall starts coming down? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If there is no more contact with OM ... and if you do the plan A well ... it should came down within 3-6 months. Try to be creative on fillin other ENs. Remember you could give affections to your kids ... in plan A you actually only need to convince her that you are capable of doing it. So be creative <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> , don't push it, the ones that she rejected .... pour it out via your kids or someother way!. Actions ... actions ... one chisel at a time and chiseled the foundation of the wall ... it will crumbled!.

Next time ... plan to go out again together even with your kids for a time being <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . I am glad that you didn't cancel your aniv. dinner. It is remind me of a joke ... "please don't ! ... please don't ! .... don't stop <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ".

Good job. -rh-

Redhat-

Thanks for your ideas, suggestions, and wisdom.
I certainley recognize that all people and situations are different in respect to timing and likelyhood of success.

She is still taking her T_K_D classes , so she sees the instructor there, she says now he is just a good friend, it was just infatuation. So NC with him is not something she is doing, and I don't know how to talk with her about giving up T-K-D without it being a LB for her. I have a phone session with SH on Thursday, so I will discuss with him.

Bill