Ok,

Sorry to use you people as editors, but before I hand this letter to my wife (Plan A/Plan B?!? No idea what this one would fall under) I would like to get your impressions of it. Hopefully it'll be self-explanatory but the background is wifey of 6 years is having affair with considerably older man. She says she loves me but is in love with him, although apparently there has been no SF (yet). We are still living together and have a 5 year old daughter. I've checked out Bob Huizenga's thoughts on affair types and it seems a classic "I fell out of love and just love being in love" affair.

All I'm trying to get out of the letter is to regain my self-respect, show her that I can move on, but also hint that the door might still be open for her. Well, it's below. See what you think.......

"Debbie,

Just to explain, I wanted to get my thoughts down on paper because it is one of the best ways for me

to arrange my thoughts. Also, I really feel now that I've survived the waves of emotions that I've

been experiencing and can now think clearly. To a certain extent, this experience has been

reassuring for me, because it allowed me to realise the depth of my feelings for you and be content

in the knowledge that the time we had together wasn't wasted.

Anyway, first things first - you must understand that I'm not happy about this situation and would

like to avoid us talking about him. Please respect this for me. Another reason for this is that I

would imagine there is an awful lot going through your mind at the moment and I don't want to make

things worse by inadvertently saying anything that may create conflicts in your mind.

All I want to do is get on with my life. To this end I would like us to sit down at some point to

make sure we are both happy with how we would make arangements for Chloe, the animals and finances.

I hope you understand that I'm not trying to rush things, but I do need to be able plan my life. For

instance, I can't realistically look at houses without knowing how much I would have to spend.

I would also like to say that although I do not agree with what's happened, I am not looking to

blame anyone. Instead I just want to look forward to the future. I would have rather shared my

future with you, but regardless the future is looking pretty good.

Finally, I would like to say that I was wrong to suggest that I needed to change because I felt I

had lost my values, because I now realise that I hadn't; I am still the same person with the same

values of compassion, thoughtfulness, kindness and loyalty. Instead I now realise that I was just

dealing with the situation that we were in in the only way it could be dealt with. I would also like

to reassure you on your concern for me staying single by saying that I will look to develop

relationships in the future, but will not look to do so until we are separated.

I hope there is nothing in this letter that could be misinterpreted for ill-feeling, because it

certainly isn't meant, for the one thing that I stand by from all the things said over the last few

weeks is that you are my best friend and all I wish for you is happiness."

Don't give her any letters.

I went through exactly what's happening to you right now. The initial shock sounds like its warring off and you are begining to feel stronger and want some control of your life and future.

It sounds like you are now in the barganing stage of the grieving process. Your letter reads very close to one I wrote during one of my many writting/venting setions. "I can stay or I can Go" "I can change all these things or I can be just be the way I'm and find someone else"

The letter isn't really about your wife it's about your confussion and need - As you said for your self-esteem. Self esteem doesn't come from a letter it comes from within as a result of your actions.

Keep up with a solid Plan A. Remeber your wifes at home and this is a great time to show her the life and man she may be leaving. If she does leave this will leave her with a great impression of you that will further confusse her regarding her decission to stay with the other man.

Let her set the scheduale and plans for moving. Don't bring it up as it may be interprited by your wife as you giving up.

Lets face it what are the real chances of your wife staying long term with a 60 year old man? Let alone the statistics against affairs lasting.

Does everyone know about the affair yet??

Yeah, I agree. I was trying to figure out what you wanted to accomplish with this lettr.

If you aren't doing a (very private, not to share with anyone) journal, I suggest you start one just to help you get your thoughts out and to try & get some semblance of them. It does help a great deal.

Goodguy/Chris,

Thanks for that. You've echoed a nagging doubt I had while driving home this evening.

The letter is going to get filed in my Book of Thoughts (tacky name, but accurate <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) along with all the other thoughts I've been having over the last few weeks (although I try to only write down more positive ones).

I'll stick to Plan A, stay positive and confident - certainly I'm now able to be confident and in control of my emotions.

Jeez, talk about a 24 hour a day strategy job!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Just an update, I've posted to my other postinf in Plan A/Plan B how I am moving on, but I don't know yet whether I will give her a letter when we finally separate/divorce. However, it won't be this one because I agree that this was probably more about getting myself in order than anything else.

The most important thing for me now that I've got myself sorted is to care for my daughter's feelings and needs, as I know this is going to hit her hard.

It still makes me angry that my wife could act so selfishly that she could expose both me and our daughter to such hurt, without first talking to me about what she perceived as a problem in our marriage and seeing if we could sort them out before it came to this (I had thought we had a good marriage, but that we'd just been through hard times that were putting pressure on our lives until we got them sorted).

But it's done. I want her to be happy, but from everything I read about her (very typical) affair, it is most likely to fail. And I feel that I've reached the stage of not wanting her back because of the hurt she's caused - I couldn't put our daughter through this again (she's only 5) if were were to get back together, only for wifey to bail out again if we were to hit hard times again in the future.

At the end of the day, wifey's 36 and should be in control of herself and looking out for her family first. That's what I've done and will continue to do, although my family now only consists of my daughter.

AdamH,

Unless you have a pressing issues (financial or legal), do nothing and give time to your plan A. At this state of mind actually you could outlast her A easier. However the choice is yours. My ExW filed on me since she can't take plan A ...

-rh-