My wife and I separated about 4 months ago. She said we had no more intimacy between us. She said she loved me but like a brother. This hurt me deeply.

My wife only wanted date me about once a week. During the separation, my mother-in-law died. At the wake an old boyfriend of my wife showed up. He has been separated from his wife of 28 years because of his drinking problem. They started dating and have now been intimate for the past 2 months. She doesn't know that I know. Is there any hope? Do I confront her? She still says she hasn't made up her mind about a divorce. Please help.

why are you talking to her you should be putting plan B into action you are allowing her the best of both worlds. she doesn't have to make a choice because she has both worlds. keep your self busy go for walks, join a gym do something with a friend or family member. but take care of you. do something to treat yourself. i hope all goes well' de

Monty,
dekicks is right on the money. Listen to her. I had a similar problem in that my wife , who is an alcoholic "ran into" an old family friend who was just divorced by his second ex-wife three weeks prior to my wife "running into him again.He is an alcoholic too,ran around on his "ex", well you get the idea. Bottom line here is go to Plan B immediately. I guarantee that while you work on your self.....and she sees what life could be like forever, she MAY reconsider. I wouldn't count on it though. I tried to Plan A my wife for 6 months, got her into treatment, she came home (no plan)and she went right back to her boyfriend two weeks after she left treatment.And is drinking again.
I had a child support hearing to attend with her last week. But that very day I sat down and wrote a Plan B letter to her. I amm afraid that you are going to have to do the same thing my friend.
I know your pain....we are here for you.
You now know what to do ! Protect yourself and write her a Plan B letter. You will find examples bu going to the Search Site box and type in Plan B letter.

Best to you!

"She still says she hasn't made up her mind about a divorce. Please help."

Why are you giving her control over your life? You should be the one to determine whether you want her back. Instead of working on addressing the marital issues in the marriage she left you and is committing adultery. You should at least go to Plan B and remove yourself from being part of her drama. She needs to see that you are not going to sit around waiting for her to make up her mind.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dekicks:
<strong>why are you talking to her you should be putting plan B into action you are allowing her the best of both worlds. she doesn't have to make a choice because she has both worlds. keep your self busy go for walks, join a gym do something with a friend or family member. but take care of you. do something to treat yourself. i hope all goes well' de</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dekicks:
<strong>why are you talking to her you should be putting plan B into action you are allowing her the best of both worlds. she doesn't have to make a choice because she has both worlds. keep your self busy go for walks, join a gym do something with a friend or family member. but take care of you. do something to treat yourself. i hope all goes well' de</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just curious. I have not confronted her about her lover. Why should I go immediately to Plan B without first trying Plan A? I am new to the site and don't fully understand Plan A. I do understand what Plan be is about. I have been composing a Plan B letter. I will post it later for review before I send it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by tomaz:
<strong>"She still says she hasn't made up her mind about a divorce. Please help."

Why are you giving her control over your life? You should be the one to determine whether you want her back. Instead of working on addressing the marital issues in the marriage she left you and is committing adultery. You should at least go to Plan B and remove yourself from being part of her drama. She needs to see that you are not going to sit around waiting for her to make up her mind.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The reason why I am reluctant to send a Plan B just yet is my wife will have surgery in early September. It will be a complete hystorectmy (spelling?). So far I was planning on taking care of her even though she is living in her late mother's house.

For about 4 or 5 weeks she will not be able to make love with the OM and it is a chance to show my love to her without him around. The OM has lots of free time and is more than willing to take care of her. If I don't do it he will and make lots of Love Unit Desposits. I don't want to give him that opportunity. Any opinions on this?

Please understand the fact that your W moved out on you and has been intimate with the OM for two months, demonstrates that she is NOT open or willing to let fulfill ANY of her EN's. Since the vast majority of OM's are involved with a woman is for sex (#1 EN of most men), your W's hysterectomy will definitely cut off his access to it, and because of this there is the high likelihood that he won't be able to withstand this sexual dryspell, and decide to just dump her. If this happens then she'll get a rude awakening that all the love that the OM professed to her was nothing more than a big lie. But this won't happen until you go to Plan B and let the OM handle ALL of you W's EN's.

Monty you need to read Plan A and Plan B. But Willard Harley is clear about what anyone needs to do when their SO is involved in an affair,abusing drugs,alcohol.
YOU MUST GO TO PLAN B. I am sure you are very concerned about her health issues. But,it is time to work on you. If you want to see examples and some really good thoughts about this ...go to the homepage and see Notable Quotes section. It is all laid out by category.
Get your mind on what you need to work on for you.
I am sorry she has health issues, but quite frankly she chose a course of action that is simply not to be tolerated by you. Let the OM meet her needs. I would wager that he can't meet all of them. Be patient. Do not negotiate with her and DO NOT TALK TO HER OR SEE HER.Write the Plan B letter today ! Get busy. Do other things. Focus on your life, because right now it is all you have.

Best to you!

Monty,

I think a few things are getting confused here. First Plan A and plan B are supposed to be used in a sequence.

In plan A you are the total giver, avoid LB's, work on your failures and changes you would like to make in yourself, AND meet her needs as best you can.

The purpose of Plan A is to get her to stop seeing the OM.

If she won't break it off with OM during plan A, then you go to plan B. Now the reason for this sequence is that with a "good" plan A you have left the best impression of yourself in your W's mind. You have planeted seeds that you can and have changed, that you do love her, and you are willing to take her back.

Unfortunately, it often takes time for those seeds to germinate, and it is costing you big time to be a total giver. So plan B is designed to let the seeds germinate, but greatly reduce your rate of losing love for your W. It has the side effect of forcing the OM to meet ALL of her needs, allow his LB's to empty her love bank. You cannot be blamed because you are not in the picture.

But, the primary reason for plan B is to allow the affair to follow it't natural course, which means it will end as MOST affairs do, and you still have some love left for your W to rebuild with.

So let's talk strategy for a second. One of the concepts of this board is radical honesty between W and H. Are you being honest with your W? No! You haven't told her what you know. So your plan A hasn't really been directed at stopping the A. You need to do it now, after she knows you know.

Another thing Harley encourages is letting the affair see the light of day, tell people about the affair and definitely don't lie to protect your spouse. THis is a dual edged sword and must be used very carefully.

So, I think you should tell your W what you know.

Then, let's discuss plan A. Have you done a good one? If not you should. Further, you should go to plan B when you feel your love for your W slipping. Most go too late, but you can go to early. When you haven't done a good plan A, it is early.

How long does one plan A? People mention 6 months, but actually it is as long as you can WITHOUT LB's. As you get tired of being the giver, you will find yourself wanting to LB. Probably time for Plan B. So it could be a year, it could be a few weeks. It depends on the situation.

So if you haven't done a good plan A, then do so. Your W's recovery from surgery could be a good opportunity, but only if you have been honest with her. Once she has recovered if she keeps OM in her life, then go to Plan B.

It is hard to tell when the timing will be, but she needs to know what you know. THEN PLAN A to set up an effective plan B.

Is this making sense? I hope so. You might consider counseling with the Harley's or if you cannot get a good time with them, consider Cerri. She posts here and does coaching with the Harley method.

The point is that there is a plan to address this. Shortcuts don't often work, and even hard work and great intentions may not work. But, at that point you will know you have done all you can do.

Also, when doing plan A, please read His Needs Her Needs by Harley. Even if she won't do the questionaire, you can do your best to fill it out for her. It will show you how to meet needs and help pinpoint those needs. If you marriage is to recover, I suspect this will be very helpful to you. You guys had trouble before this affair, so more education is a good thing.

I hope this helps.

God Bless,

JL

No I have not done a good Plan A. I have only found Marriage Builders a few days ago. Most of my actions have been withdrawal from the hurt. I have only asked my wife for more dates, but not thrown up the OM to her. I have never confronted her about the affair, but have given it lots of opportunity to develop. I haven't said anything to anyone. But I have told my daughter that the OM is more than a just friend. My daughter's reply is that I am being a jerk and he is just a good friend (the same as my wife tells everyone)

My wife is starting to use him to ferry my daughter about. I can't stand this but have said nothing. I have played my cards close to the vest. So no, I haven't done a plan A. I could go to plan B as others have said, but somehow I get the feeling you are right and that this would be jumping the gun. It's not that they are wrong, but I need the satisfaction of knowing I took the steps in order. I do think a plan B letter will eventually have to be sent and I am composing one now from the samples I found.

But I want to take the opportunity to show my wife, that inspite of the pain that my love is a selfless love that is given in bad times as well as good, with no expectations of something in return. I'll will have made my statement. Then after time I can send the Plan B letter if needed with no reservations. I have plenty right now.

Tks!

What proof do you have that she and the OM have been intimate?

<<<I have never confronted her about the affair, but have given it lots of opportunity to develop. I haven't said anything to anyone.>>>

<<<My wife is starting to use him to ferry my daughter about. I can't stand this but have said nothing.>>>

Monty, Part of being in Plan A is bringing about an end to the affair. You are NOT expected to just stand by and watch while an OM sleeps with your wife and destroys your family. Please read more on this site about Plan A and realize that it is your right and your responsibility to protect your family.

You might want to read our resident MB coach, Cerri, response to cat_lover's thread titled For Cerri: Faux Plan A .

Addressed to TOOmuchcoffeeman and Psycho_B

I have not seen them having sex but my wife and I are sharing care taking of my teenaged daughter. My daugter stays at her friends house every night until 10 pm during the summer. I pick her up when I have and my wife does when she has her.

I know where the OM apartment complex is but not the apartment. Every night my wife's car is parked there until she has to pick up my daughter. On the nights I have my daughter. My wife's car is at her house but she is not there all night. I had to check to see if she was lying to cover up and she is. She sticking to her story that the OM is just a friend. (HA!). We have been separated for 4 months. Up until recently I have been trying to get a PI to catch them. But I just found out that there is not advantage to catch them in this state unless you have full custody of your children. I don't. I am going to implement Plan A and expose the relationship. Hopefully the coaching will help me make a good effort.

I told my wife about a month and a half ago when I saw the other mans truck at her house till early in the AM. She blew and said she understood that we could date. But to me that is not what I call dating. We didn't talk for a while and then she mellowed out again and start writing and calling. Stupidly I did the same.

I could have tried to break up the relationship but I have little chance. They can meet any place they want. Day or night.

Now that I found MB and have some good sources of info, I can do something positive. But I will say, it is going to be a lot lot tougher now that the affair has begun. I wish I had found the site sooner. I said a lot of knee jerk things just before the separation and just after it that drove her away. Until I read the info on MB I didn't even think I did anything wrong. But I was wrong. Now I have a tough row to hoe. We all do My wife, my daughter and me.

Wish me luck and pray for my wife, daughter and I. Were going to need it.

Addressed to TOOmuchcoffeeman and Psycho_B

I have not seen them having sex but my wife and I are sharing care taking of my teenaged daughter. My daugter stays at her friends house every night until 10 pm during the summer. I pick her up when I have and my wife does when she has her.

I know where the OM apartment complex is but not the apartment. Every night my wife's car is parked there until she has to pick up my daughter. On the nights I have my daughter. My wife's car is at her house but she is not there all night. I had to check to see if she was lying to cover up and she is. She sticking to her story that the OM is just a friend. (HA!). We have been separated for 4 months. Up until recently I have been trying to get a PI to catch them. But I just found out that there is not advantage to catch them in this state unless you have full custody of your children. I don't. I am going to implement Plan A and expose the relationship. Hopefully the coaching will help me make a good effort.

I told my wife about a month and a half ago when I saw the other mans truck at her house till early in the AM. She blew and said she understood that we could date. But to me that is not what I call dating. We didn't talk for a while and then she mellowed out again and start writing and calling. Stupidly I did the same.

I could have tried to break up the relationship but I have little chance. They can meet any place they want. Day or night.

Now that I found MB and have some good sources of info, I can do something positive. But I will say, it is going to be a lot lot tougher now that the affair has begun. I wish I had found the site sooner. I said a lot of knee jerk things just before the separation and just after it that drove her away. Until I read the info on MB I didn't even think I did anything wrong. But I was wrong. Now I have a tough row to hoe. We all do My wife, my daughter and me.

Wish me luck and pray for my wife, daughter and I. Were going to need it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan:
<strong>You might want to read our resident MB coach, Cerri, response to cat_lover's thread titled For Cerri: Faux Plan A .</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I read Cerri's Faux Plan A.

As much time as I lurked on the site and read Harley's explaination of Plan A, I don't know how to approach my wife without her exploding and breaking off contact. As it is we don't see much of one another. I would go to Plan B but I think she might like that. She runs away from sticky situations. I think it might be easier for her to just stick with the boyfriend until I go away.

Do I just tell her I know about the affair first. If I do I don't know how much further than that I'll get.

If anyone can tell me how they conducted their Plan A, please let me know. I know what I'm supposed to accomplish but not how to structure the conversation, (if there is one).

Monty

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Monty:

"I would go to Plan B but I think she might like that."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's not a matter of whether she likes it or not, it's a matter of preserving what love you have left for her for if and when she decides to want to rebuild the marriage. If you continue too long in a Plan A environment, you will definitely loose all love for her and you will no longer want to remain married to her. The sad thing is that just when the WS wants to rebuild the marriage, the BS is already done with the marriage. There are many here that have an aversion to Plan B because they beleive like you that their WS will jump at the chance to spend with the OP, and while Plan B is risky, they tend to forget that staying in Plan A for too long is more riskier in the long run. But if you want to rediscover the wheel that is your prerogative.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Monty:

"I would go to Plan B but I think she might like that."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Plan B is risky, they tend to forget that staying in Plan A for too long is more riskier in the long run. But if you want to rediscover the wheel that is your prerogative.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can see the logic in it now. I after repeated times a catching my wife in lies. My pain is less that it was.

Monty

After weighing the pros and cons of the situation I have decided Plan B is the only way. I won't try to re-event the wheel. It was just wishful thinking on my part and fear of bringing it to the final level. But when I think of that, the WW forced that, not me. I'm playing the cards I was delt. I believe what I read that I may have created the invironment but she started the affair with ever submitting to marriage counciling.

I exposed the A and told my daughter who wasn't suprised. She said she deep down knew it but didn't want to believe it, but now that it is out she said that she feels relieved she doesn't have to lie to me to help her mother cover up. I feel better. I have been a pawn in this game too long.

Monty