I have been separated from my wife for ten months and things have gone from bad to worse. Let me start with the fact that I went from not the perfect husband but most certainly a good one to not being there at all. I have found myself with another woman, as you can imagine this has only complicated things. What’s worst is I know what I need to do in order to go home however; I have been unable to do it. Addicted, is the only way to explain it, I have lost everything my home, my wife and my children.

I love my wife, my children and my family, what’s happened to me? Can anybody give some advice? I am sitting on a fence watching my life go by, I keep saying I will deal with the problems tomorrow and so far tomorrow has turned in to ten months. It wasn’t meant to go this far, it started with a silly fight and it looks like it’s going to end up in divorce.

Wayward.

The only advice I can give you that can save your marriage is:

1.You MUST end ALL contact with the OW FOREVER by sending her a letter or e-mail explaining briefly and directly that you do not want to see her ever again. You want your W(wife) to be a witness to you doing this.

2.You MUST be willing to agree to a marital recovery plan that includes counseling with a pro-marriage counseling professional like Steve Harley or Penny Tupy(our resident MB coach with the username of 'cerri' and founder of www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com) as well as following the four rules for a succesful marriage(see my link bellow).

If you are unwilling to do those 2, then you are not serious about rebuilding the marriage.

Toomuchcoffeeman is right.

Affairs are like drugs and the only way to get over them is to go completely COLD TURKEY and committ to your wife and yourself to NEVER EVER have contact with her again in any way shape or form. One lapse will set you back to the beginning.

You will need to take the time and effort put into the Affair into your marriage and work on changing things about yourself.

Here is a quote I like to remind myself of that I found on here

-"When you refuse to do anything about it, you lose all right to complain."

I hope you can find it in yourself to do the right thing as I pray that my wayward wife does too. She doesn't have all the time she may think she has as love can dwindle.

To jion35:

There must be more to the story than "a silly fight" caused you to leave for AW. If you truly wanted to return to your wife, it shouldn't take 10 months to do it. If your wife still wants you back after such a long period of time, and you want to go back like you say you do, you have to flat out dump the AW without any further hesitation. You can't have it both ways, and you can't worry about the AW's feelings. This may sound harsh, but she knew what she was getting into from the start. In fact, she is probably waiting for the other shoe to fall. One way or another, be a man and make a FINAL desision. It is not fair to keep your wife and children waiting any longer.

Dear Jion 35

Certainly cold turkey is one approach.

It started with a fight: What are the issues now between your wife and you? How do the children figure in?

While some marriages can work with an active affair, you marriage is not working. Is the affair the problem?

What is stopping you from going to your wife's apartment after work? What about meeting your wife after her work?

What are the feelings of your wife toward the other woman?

You tried plan B after a fight, and just kept going with plan B.

The tough parts of plan B, for me, is implementing it and ending it. I feel I have to be ready to implement at least a short term plan B at any time, and to the extent I fail to implement when my wife is disresepctful, or my emotions have gotten out of hand, then I make more disrespect occur later.

I had trouble ending a short plan B last night, after I walked out for a few hours. When I came home, my wife was upstairs, so I went to the basement, and slept for awhile. I had left saying, "Everyone has a right to be in a bad mood," after she was nasty. When my wife came to the basement I said, "There is my sweety pie." and we hugged.

What do you feel you need to do before you step in the door of your wife's house again? Does your wife have an apartment with the kids now? What do you see as your choices of a first step to being able to hug your wife? Talk to her? What are your chances of rejection? Can you walk away after your wife rejects you? What can you say, when you realize she is rejecting you, and you have to walk away again? What steps have you taken to contact your wife? What steps can you take to sit down to dinner or lunch together?

I have to work on my modified B plans, as I am failing to get sufficient respect from my wife, too often, and I am using Plan A, Doormat, when I should be instituting a 4 to 10 hour plan B.

Can you call your wife once a week to try to set up a cordial, problem solving conversation? If you read some other folks, posts, you will see how Restraining Orders really puts a crimp in the style of trying to get back together. What ever you do, keep in mind that a restraining order will be difficult to lift, and will make it nearly impossible to get back together. If your wife goes to the Court and tells them that you yelled at her, they will probably give her a restaining order with a few hours. Don't lose your cool, walk away. Come back in a few days, or a week, whatever you feel her cycle is. My wife changes in 3 hours, often.

I do not feel like I am an expert in Modified, short term plan B's, but I am trying to learn.

Best of luck,

Quipper,
Married 28 years and still struggling

Dear jion35,

You are actually lucky to be in control of your own destiny. Infidelity is the leading cause of a failed marriage. Sincerely, you are extremely fortunate to have the opportunity of returning to your family. The longer time passes, the more guilt and regret will overcome you.

I made the same mistake you did. The OW tried to guilt me into staying with her by saying I ruined her life when in fact she ruined mine. I was to blind to see it at that time. She was only worried about herself. Never once did she think of my feelings or the feelings of my wife and children. I realized how selfish she was. I am lucky and blessed that my wife forgave me. I say I am sorry everyday, and thank god that my wife is so selfless. The other woman ruined my life and only cared about herself.

The consequences and ramifications of your actions are life altering. There is more to life than sex. You could still admire and be faithful.

Your family needs you more than you will ever know. Before you know it, your kids will be calling someone else daddy. The point of no return is in sight. You better turnaround, go home, count your blessings and never look back.

Good Luck,

Run Back Don't walk

It is about the mistake ... it is about what R U going to do about it. Follow "how to end A" then the 4 rules of recovery. -rh-

Dear Jion 35,

How did you lose your house? Why did you not make the house payments? Why did you not have the money saved up to rescue the house from forclosure?

Perhaps you spent your money helping another woman with her rent money. The other woman was very friendly, but you short-changed your family. Now, the judge is going to make you pay your family, and you won't have much extra money for the other woman. Is the other woman going to work two jobs to support your other family?

You have demonstrated a trap in the system. A wayward husband will have money when he first leaves his wife and kids, and for several months after that. You can have a good time. But now, the Judge will be garnisheeing your wages. You will be paying for a wife and family that now probably hates you, and will continue to feel justified in treating you as an enemy.

You say you love your wife and children now, and always had loving feelings for them. Great, put your money where your feelings are. The challenge is to get the money to your wife and kids, before the judge takes it from you.

Most every month, I argue with my wife about who should pay what portion of the house payment. I try to mail it in two weeks ahead, seldom make it. I keep arguing about the portions, and all other marital issues, with her until the last day Federal Express can get the house payment in on the 15th of the month. I then figure that I have got the best agreement I can get for this month, so I will wait until next month, which starts in about 10 days.

You said you had a fight with your wife. Another way to say that is that you failed to comand respect from your wife. You need to work on getting respect from your wife. I use short Plan B's. Last night, after work, I took a nap at work before going home. Often when I get home, my wife gives me some disrespectful grief about something or another. I'm working on improving the respect that my wife has for me. I'm using my self-discipline and actions make the request. See 180 Degree Divorce Busting.

I'm overweight and should go on 1/2 hour walks, or longer, which I seldom do. I need to get myself in a position that I have more respect and consideration from my wife, because right now, I feel like a doormat.

I suggest your goal could be to get more respect from your wife and children and other family members. You should probably buy a Playboy magazine, and stop giving money to your other woman. You should probably figure on leading a monastic life until you can get your wife to come around.

I can't say you have to dump the other woman for sure, but It seems like you would sure have a bettter shot of saving yourself from the hell I see coming up for you after the judge starts taking your money.

Thanks for the lesson,

Quipper,
Married 28 years and still struggling.

<small>[ July 26, 2003, 07:22 AM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>

jion 35,
Think about this! What would you do if your wife and children were killed in a car crash today? Would u be happy with being alone without a family? Can this ow keep you as proud of her as u would be of your wife and children? Would your time be consumed with thoughts of what could have been and what should of been if things were different? Can this ow make you as proud as your chilldren would make u in milestones of thier lives? Graduation, marriage? Can this ow make you as proud of her as your wife is going to make someone else? Is this ow going to make you proud when your children are happy to see another man who is in their lives sharing the good times and bad times that all children go through? My ow didn't. I cried rivers of tears when I seen my childrens faces when they seen their step father who was more involved in their lives than I. They could hardly wait to share the things that we did together with their other dad! They could hardly wait to go home so they can play games with him! But the most tears were shed when my daughter asked me to read at her wedding because her step dad was going to be walking her down the isle. He was able to be the proudest of all since she was the most beautiful women that I have ever set my eyes on and she was his!!!Ask where is my ow that kept me from my family? I haven't seen her in 22 years and alone in every sense of the way I was and still am! Not only am I still crying after 22 years for leaving my family I still cry because I believed all of her lies and her devious tricks! Women are evil! They set out to win what they want and once they win the fight it is no longer a challenge and you will be tossed aside soon enough! Take my advice! No one should spend 22 years crying if u can run back asap b4 someone else is being called dad by your kids!

Jion35, as a betrayed spouse, there is only so much unbiased advice that I could give you. In all honesty, most of my advice would be laced with bitterness, but if I could reach you, there are a few things that I would suggest.

In order to you to go home, and I mean really go home, you need to (like everyone states) give up the OW. Yes, it is hard. She has become a very negative, but fulfilling habit for you. Unfortunately, while you nurture this habit, you are letting what God has put together, go down the drain. I watch my spouse do it every day. While I'm doing everything possible to save; he is doing everything to distroy. It is not pleasant for any of the players involved. Addictions are so dangerous because in the end, you die. Now while you may not "literally" die, your old life will and it will not be able to be revived. Trust me, I'm to the point where the love is starting to die. My advice and only advice is to look towards your future. Like MichealM stated, your family will soon replace you and they will be the center of someone else's world. Don't think about the satisfaction of today, think about the contentment of tomorrow. Do not think about yourself, but think about making up to all those (and you did not specify, so I will not speak) you have hurt. If you truly wanted your wife and your children Jion, well, you would have them.