<BR>Hi Everyone -<P>Have been on and off MB and want to wish you all a HAPPY NEW YEAR!<P>Figured I'd give a little update since my last thread about H's apologizing......he was very melancholy and eluded to the fact that he KNOWS that I have not been trying to "screw" him or hold up the divorce.<P>He called XMas Eve and wished me a Merry Christmas, etc....said he would call back and - of course - didn't!!<P>He ended up seeing his parents on XMas Eve for about an hour before work. They have not been speaking to his two brothers so noone went to their house except H. I went to BIL's house with his brothers and their wives and kids....<P>H ended up going to see the kids on XMas and gave them each a gift certificate for a gift.....I thought that was a good sign - that he actually though of them!!<BR>Although the certificate was from a store that I feel the OW would frequent....YUCK!! But, that aside - I was proud that he showed an interest!!!<P>Then YUCK again, cuz he only stayed ten minutes with them (standing in the entryway the whole time!) and left to go to parent's for XMas dinner before heading on to work. Oh well, he showed his face at least!!!<P>My H tried to talk BIL into calling the folks - he must have had to listen to their moaning about noone coming to see them...that's completely unlike my H - he never gets involved in their pettiness!!! So my BIL came back with "Nevermind what I am doing....what are YOU doing with YOUR life?" Like with your wife, dog, house, etc.!!!!<P>H said that "it's over....I'm not in love with her anymore, blah, blah!!!!" "Sheba can have the house and she can stay put...I will keep checking on her and she will be fine..I want a divorce, don't want to be married anymore but she will be around"<P>HUH?<P>He asked how I seemed to them the night before....they said fine! He said "oh, she wasn't all sad?" and they told him no, I was smiling and laughing per usual!! They said he seemed surprised at that!! They told him I looked great, too!!! (they're too much!) <P>He called me Wednesday while I was at work....left a message about coming over with check and mumbled something about talking about "a few things"! So I paged him.....<P>On XMas Eve...his other SIL asked me to join them at their house for a get together with her family...I haven't seen them in awhile and they all want to see me, etc. I had told her that my H was off from work then if she wanted to invite him, too!! (they never call him or anything and I thought it would be nice to include him).....<P>Well, when I spoke with H on Wed. he wanted to come over and I mentioned that I might be going out....*sidenote - I had started running a fever and feeling sick at work and felt lousy.....wasn't sure if I should bring the germs back to the kids - let alone if I would be able to go without falling asleep!!<P>H asked where and I knew that his SIL hadn't called and invited him...talk about feeling bad!! I told him where and he said"boy, you see my family more than I do!" I asked him if there was a problem with that (had discussed it with him months ago and he had no problem with my staying in touch with them) and he said no - If I didn't talk and see them...then who would? It's not like he does!! I said - good point!!!<P>Anyway, told him I was coming down with something and he said he could tell from my voice. He said that he had expected to hear from me on XMas....I said that after he didn't call me back the day before - I figured he didn't want to talk with me! He said that he had wanted to come see me, bring Britt something and give me my check with some xtra money for Christmas....he was sorry that he never got here. I just said that it's never too late and that I could still use it!!!!<P>He came over that night....SUPER LONG, BIG TIGHT HUGS!!! Felt so good!!! He even pulled me to him to snuggle which I need when I start feeling sick!!! God, I love this man!!!!! Well, maybe not THIS man....you know what I mean!!!!<P>He played with the dog, talked, laughed....gave me an envelope and inside were the two checks he owed me.....that's it!! So much for my "xtra money" and Britt's "bone"!!!! ARGH!!!! (don't try to figure it out - your head will start hurting!!!! LOL!!!)<P>He started talking about the lawyers and how they were just after our money, etc.....he asked me if I was formerly contesting this divorce. I told him that you can't contest here....if he wants one he'll get one - no matter what I want!! He said that he knew that I wasn't holding up anything....it's these darn lawyers. Maybe we should fire them both!!!! HUH???<P>And then what? I asked.....<P>He said...." I don't know...do it ourselves or get new ones or (mumble....mumble...) "<P>I said "What?" He looked at me strangely and said "Nothing".....<P>Gotta tell you.....this was freaking me out. I have no idea what he mumbled!!!! I could let myself go wild with hopeful speculation that it could have been something about not going through this at all.....but I won't do that to myself!!!!<P>He wouldn't go back to the subject - try as I might!!! Damn, I HATE that!!!!!!<P>So, we visitied more....he ran around making sure things were set for Y2K....water, flashlights, canned goods....the whole survival thing!!!<P>Made sure the personal protection devices were all ready and available.....told me he would not like me to go out NY eve and would be able to concentrate better if he knew I was home safe, etc..... Looks like he gets his wish - heck, he probably prayed that I would get sick!!! LOL!!!!!<P>When he was leaving - I asked him if he would call me FIRST after midnight....it would mean a lot to me being that I AM STILL his wife at the start of the new millenium.. He said "Of course!!" "The only thing to stop that would be if he's getting shot at!!" <P>Yeah, right!!<BR>What about the tootsie and the rest of the people who are soooo<BR>important to him now? Like she won't be on that darn cell phone lickety-split!!!! <P>While he was here - he got paged three times!!!! Someone was very impatient!!!! He said it was this guy friend.....who knows!!<P>Last night - his sargeant called here looking for him. I just gave him his pager #. I don't understand why he doesn't make it clear at work that he is no longer at this house!!!! <P>Anyway, that's my last novel for 1999......Gosh, I am soooooo ready for a new novel!!!! LOL!!<P>Thanks for listening....<P>BIG YEAR 2000 HUGS,<P>Sheba<P><BR>

Good to hear from you Sheba ! I was beginning to worry! <P>You sound like you are doing fine! I am glad to hear it!<P>Take care and will talk to you in the next century!<P>Have a great New Year!!<P>Bob<P>------------------<BR>"You can't always get what you want! But if you try real hard,you might just find, you get what you need!"<BR>Mick Jagger<P>

Happy New Year!!!<P>What a guy!<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Sheba,<P>The "wisdom" of the forum... <P>I too missed your posts and replies...<P>Happy New Year's!!! <P>Jim

Yeah, what a guy <P>Mine too... <P>Have a happy, happy New Year, Sheba!!<P>Love ya!!!<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Nobody knows what you want except you, and nobody will be as sorry as you if you don't get it. ~Barry Manilow

Sheba,<P>Wishing you the very best of the year 2000!!!!<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Thanks for the Happy's......you all have a great one too!!<P>I do have a winner in H ...... don't I!!<P>LOL!!!!!<P>I think it was you FHL - who said :<P>"What a piece of work!!!"<P>Betcha didn't know that "confusion" had a body that walked on two legs!!!<P>And he's a part of my life.....what a lucky girl!!!! LOL!!!!!<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba

OK - a little sad and disappointed here right now.......<P>My Whack-A-Doodle called at 11:40 pm just in case he got a midnight call - he's a cop and is working!!<P>Got called while talking and said he would call back....it's 12:45AM Jan. 1, 2000 and he hasn't called me this century yet!!!<P>I didn't get my expectations up really, just wanted a nice start to this new millenium!!!<P>Hope he is just busy and didn't talk with the OW and others before me.....<P>Probably did though.....(boo-hoo!)<P>This year will not suck....this year will not suck.....<P>C'mon everyone..... THIS YEAR WILL NOT SUCK!!!!!<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba

I thinks that's going to be my mantra from now on. THIS YEAR WILL NOT SUCK!!<BR>THIS YEAR WILL NOT SUCK!!! God I hope not. <BR>Keep your chin up!!! You're doing good!!

Whackadoodle.... hmmm..<P>I think he is "indecisive".. He knows what is right, and wants to be what is right, gets side tracked and is not self disciplined to do it. It's like he wants to do more, but he is in such a la la mindset - he doesn't.<P>flakey, right now, huh?<P>Sheba, you have a happy new year. goodbye 1999, and all the crap you gave us! I'm happy that year is HISTORY!<P>

Thanks Mitzi - I'm chanting it too!!<P>TNT - He's definitely indecisive and undisciplined!!! Flaky...absolutely!!<P>I just wished I knew what he mumbled when talking about getting rid of the lawyers.....The only thing he has not been whack-a doodling about is that he wants this divorce.. Maybe I am not meant to know if that is a waffle factor too!!!<P>Little update....<P>H ended up calling NY day on his way in to work and told me all about his night and the "shots fired" calls, etc. As evidenced by his calling me on "the way to work" it is obvious that I was not the priority person to begin the New Year talking to!! He called after leaving her no doubt!! UGH!! Was extremely pleasant on the phone .....he gave me his new schedule (new sector, car # and days on and off) for the 2000 year..<P>I don't really understand why he would do that.....why would I want or need that information being that I am out of his life? If I need to contact him - I just page him.....don't have to have his schedule!!!! Very strange!!!<P>The next day - my mom came over and wanted to mend a seam on a comforter...I go to get the sewing stuff and it was all gone!! Got mad....silliness I know, but for some reason at that moment - the selfishness of H just roared through my brain like a flashfire!!! Paged him in a total tirade!!!!<P>He called right back and in the sweetest voice I said " My darling Whack-A-Doodle, what did you do with the sewing bag?"!! LOl!! I have no idea where that voice came from....being that I had been so mad!! Then to have ACTUALLY called him whack-a-doodle!!! My God!!! I've lost my mind!!!!<P>He apologized for taking the whole thing especially cuz he just wanted one item out of it.....didn't occur to him that I would need it!!! DUH!!!!<P>I told him to please bring it back when he took out what he needed....in the meantime I found one spool of thread and a bent needle and would just have to make do....per usual!!!!! <P>He said " You always look at the bright side and muddle through....don't you?"<P>I said "What else am I going to do?" and he replied " Well you know me, especially now....I'd be cursing and pissed off if I were you." (at this point I am wondering if he is speaking of the sewing stuff or the life he has dealt us!!) He then went on to say...<BR>(now, remember - you must be sitting down when you read my H's thoughts!!)<P>"That's what is so great about us - we balance each other!!! You are level-headed and sometimes too nice and I am the opposite" "Guess it's true that opposites attract!!"<P>DO YOU BELIEVE THIS!!!!!!!<P>I about fell off my legs!!! (I was standing at the time...LOL!!)<P>Good thing my mom was there cuz I couldn't really go into anything....she gets completely bewildered that I would even talk to him....if I had gotten deep - I would have had to make a trip to the emergency room with her!!!<P>So - how do you all like that.....<P>Just makes your mouth hang open and your head shake back and forth doesn't it?<P>What am I going to do with this man?<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba<BR>

Oh Sheba that's enough to go crazy !!! <BR>You're right, what are you going to do with him!!!!!<BR>I don't know if I would have been able to stop myself from saying back in my sweetest voice," so if we're so good together what the H**l are you doing away from me????"<BR>I've been trying to e-mail you but I'm not sure if I'm sending it to the right address. If you got my e-mails give me a shout if not, please e-mail me so I can get your address again.<BR>Hug <BR>Kat<BR>

Sheba,<P>Your H sounds a lot like mine. He says that we are opposite and I keep him level in a way that no one has ever been able to.<BR>Just a quick question-you can email your answer if you like.<BR>How do you stay in plan A with him gone and you KNOW he is seeing the OW. I don't know that I could. It is hard enough doing Plan A with him here. <BR>My email is patientl0ve@yahoo.com<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<P><BR>

Just when we think he could not out do himself he does...that Whack-a-Doodle!<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

He is something - isn't he!!!!<P>All I could muster to say after that was "I always thought so!!"<P>I didn't want to go where you said you might have been tempted to Kat...I would have Lovebusted and then my mother would have jumped up with some LB'ing of her own I am sure!!!! Crossed my mind though...just stopped it at the vocal chords!!!! Give me a bit and I will go check my emails......then I will email you.<P>Nicole - I can answer you here....I have never made the OW a big concern in my mind!! Not since day one....<BR>I have no interest in anything about her and care nothing about what she thinks of me..... It's like she is alcohol or drugs or a gang that is simply an addictive BAD influence in my H's life right now!! <BR>My concern is H and ME - that's it!!! If it wasn't this woman - it would be someone else!! There is something wrong between H and me that needs to be fixed and that is where I must focus. Getting caught up with OW is a trap that will stagnate and actually keep you so upset that you will not fix what is the real problem!! <P>Plan A'ing is no problem for me with this thinking and also because I know that there is a reason why he is going through this.....don't know for sure what the reason is but my husband is deluding himself and I am the one with the clear vision. Do I throw our life away because I am angry, hurt, etc. or do I help my partner as much as I can through the better and the worse? This is a man that I love.....just cuz he is messed up and hurting me - do I hurt him back? Is it tit-for-tat? It's not even the same because I have no "fantasy" mindset going on...it would be pure meanness and vengefulness if I were to behave badly.<P>Hope this helps you see how Plan A can be accomplished with virtually little work once you have your perspective down!<P>FHL - Don't tell me that you have run out of words when it comes to him? LOL!!<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba<P>

You <B>go</B> girl!<BR>That's the right mindset to have!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I believe in miracles...<P><BR>

Sheba,<P>The thought that comes to my mind in reading this thread is that your H has never realized that one day you MIGHT be GONE from his life. It's like he might be wanting the divorce, but somehow he still sees Sheba in his life!!!!!!<P>Really, I wonder what would happen if you just were to gop to PlanB???<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

I think if Sheba went to plan B, her husband would feel an immediate rush of relief.... <P>Just think, he is so indecisive, and a Mr. Whackadoodle - he finally wouldn't have any whackadoodling to do. Might even help his health and emotions. At least, temporarily.<P>I say keep up your plan A until you can't. Sounds like you make headway, and then somehow - somewhere - it goes kapooey....<P>I think the kapooey, Sheba, is from something that you aren't aware of - something you don't have the information on, and something you are not concerned about. I think it is the OW(s?). <P>This explains Mr. Whackadoodle very much so, and why you must keep on keeping on in your plan A. She/They are demanding or lovebusting or broke or something - and then, somehow she/they lure him back again....<P>Time is on your side - even if the divorce is ongoing. Stay his friend and his BEST friend. It's working.<P>tnt

Oh,my.<P>Ok, I read it. I gotta think!!!<P>Right now, b/n flame thrower and 2X4, I pick flame thrower.<P>Now, I'll be nice. And think about it. I'll talk to you later.<P>Lori

Sheba:<P>You're so interesting and we're very much aligned. I too have been doing a long term Plan A with an affair going on. Although I'm occasionally curious, I have spent virtually no time thinking about the OW. My husband was clearly depressed about the situation when he got involved and I do believe it would have been someone else if not her. It also helps my thinking to know what a lame choice he made in her (actually, I don't think it was a choice. I think he fell into it in the same lack of thought/planning process he's been using towards the marriage and kids).<P>Where I'm slightly different at this time is I think the entire responsibility for the current situation is on my husband. It is not shared. I did PLENTY wrong when we were together and spent alot of time fixing things and getting to know myself. So I understand why he ran to someone else and I share part of the responsibility for that. But I am in no shape or form responsible for his running, his failure to go for counseling or read anything, his inability to talk to ANYONE about the problems, his unwillingness to make a decision, and his abandonment of our children. He may have fallen into the situation with the OW, but it is his responsibility to resolve the situation, not mine. It really bugs me on principle that I will likely be the one who has to file for divorce to end the stalemate.<P>It does help to view them as sick and without a doubt, they are. But, at some point, people have to find the strength to help themselves. I know my brother was extremely depressed a few years ago but still found the strength to drag himself to doctors and counselors. The affair and/or midlife crisis definition gives us some understanding about how they're currently thinking and helps us find patience, but I don't think it excuses them from being responsible for behaving badly. We are understanding and willing to forgive, but it is still they're responsibility and their error.<P>I admire the way you've been handling this under very adverse circumstances. Keep it up!<P>