Right now I know I'm in the middle of a Faux Plan A. I have found e-mails, some just today, between WW and OP. I know for a fact that this is an EA and I am pretty sure, but do not have anything concrete, that there may be a PA.

I understand that Plan A usually lasts for 6 months. I have a problem. I am in the military and will deploy again in 2 months. I beleive one of my biggest LB's has been neglect due to the many deployments I've had in the last 4 years.

I have read the e-mails from WW and OP and I am hurt. I know that this is against the 180 degree divorce buster list, but it actually helps me to understand what my wife is thinking because she hasn't wanted to talk about our M since I came home.

I have asked her about the A and she says that she has cheated on me. I started Plan A a few days ago when i tried to call OP. Apperently OP called WW and she called me asking if I had called, the number showed up on the caller ID. I still haven't talked to OP. This is not WW first A, I have e-mails and pictures that I found.

Right now I'm trying to abide by the 180 list and back off some. I'm also trying to focus on myself and make myself happy. I'm know I haven't fully implemented Plan A and am a little scared to, especially after finding the today's e-mail with many comments about me. It almost seems that she wrote the e-mail with the comments spelling out what she liked about him but not about me. It's very confusing.

Apparently OP was supposed to go to dinner with WW and one of WW female friends but there was confusion and that didn't happen. I got a phone call shortly after WW left to go to the FF house and she asked me to go out this evening. We went and had a good time. I know WW has noticed some changes in me, especially when I walked out the front door with the keys in my hand and she asked where I was going.

I have an appointment to see a counselor on Monday. I haven't had a chance to interview him yet, but I sure do plan on asking alot of questions. All of WW family know that we have problems, some of them know about the A's. Some of my family know about the A's. I know that I need to contact OP and let him know that I love my wife and that his actions are interfering with our M. I have OP's e-mail address now and I'm not sure if I should call OP or send OP and e-mail or both. I know that WW will be royally pissed and that any gains I have made over the last weekend in trying to meet her EN's and not LBíng will be totally wiped away.

I'm not sure what to do. Any thoughts?

MikeinVA,

IMVHO, it is useless to "talk" to OM!. The scumbags knows already about you & M and it doesn't stop him. I did talk to OM under SH's advice since I didn't know which one is OM ... OM has the same names as 2 of his sons .. I need to talk to him to find out which one. BS needs to talk to OM if WS completely dishonest about being M.

What do you know about OM ?. Is he married ? any kids ? ... is he a predator or just another WS that failed to stop his actions before too late ?.

-rh-

OM is not married. I do know that in my WS last A she told everyone around the OM that she was divorced, I belive this because of an e-mail I found that referred to my father as WS former father in law.

I am pretty sure OM knows WS is married. I know that he has been in my home. But, I don't trust WS and I know that she lies.

Dear Mike in VA,

The 180 Degree list is not a particular list to follow as a religion, but rather a list of ideas for doing something differently.

Not checking up, is not, to the best of my understanding, intended to be a steadfast rule.

You need to come up with a list of options for doing things differently than you have been doing them, and then apply the self-discipline to change some things that might seem like they would help provide a new perspective, if not actually improve things.

I once suspected my wife was having a physical and emotional affair. I discussed it with my wife, by saying that I felt the relationship with a particular man was getting a little too much, and asked her to cut it back. She did.

I talked to the suspected fellow, and just some indirect chit-chat, and gave out some crazy sounding laughs, to give the idea that I was slightly insane, and not to be trusted.

You need to be making deposits to the love bank, and I am not sure what is on your list. One of the problems with making deposits, is that what you think might count, might not get you credit.

One of the things you might pay attention to, is when she asks for anything. Try to get her whatever she asks for, if it is anywhere near reasonably possible. The Impossible things she asks for, think of a step in that direction, and offer it.

This is not without exception. She may ask you for things as a test, to see if you are willing to let her have an affair, and you have to lovingly deny her request.

My latest phrases is, "Well dear, I feel foolish when you are out late." "Well dear, ordiarily I would like to grant you any wish you desire, but the reason I want to please you, is so that I can have an optimal feeling of fidelity and trust, and what you are asking, would give me less than an optimal feeling."

I don't own a gun, but for $30.00 I can go to a shooting range, and shoot 45 Caliber holes in targets that look like men. I have left those shot up targets around the house.

I try to work on prhases for presenting ideas to my wife, and questions for drawing her out. you might formulate a plan to ask your wife a bunch of questions to get her talking. Many women like to talk in a pleasant conversational manner. My wife likes to talk about things to try to embarrass or discourage me, so I don't follow my own advice.

Questions like, what would you like to have, do, see, change, travel, etc.

I try to walk away when I am starting to lose it, or my wife is getting overly insullting. I call it a short plan B. I come back in a few hours, and try to pick back up being pleasant, and usually things have improved. One father whose daughter was off and on nice to me, used to tell his family that he was going to go to the movie theater, and leave in a huff to watch a movie.

You can get more, and probably better, ideas in other posts.

I see no reason why Plan A cannot be interupted with a few hours of a Plan B, if a short plan B is needed. Try to implement and end the short plan B smoothly. I use a telphone editor that I pay $15.00 per hour, and we go over phrases for communicating smoothly with my wife. It takes some prepatory work for me to come close to being smooth.

Currently, I feel that I am over-utilizing Plan A, and I feel like a doormat. Sometimes I will have my feeling come up, and I will say what is on my mind more forcefully that I intended, but I keep going, get it all out, and go out for a few hours, and come back with Plan A.

How do you manage Fidelity?

Best wishes,

Quipper,
Married 28 years and still struggling.

<small>[ July 27, 2003, 05:59 PM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>

As far as the 180 degree list is concerned, I do agree that the 180 degree list is not a rigid set of rules. There are situations where the WS's complaint against the BS is that the BS WAS doing all of the things in the 180 degree list, and in that case the BS has to do a 180 on the 180. The point to keep in mind is that the majority of WS's beleive that the BS is the way s/he is and will never change but that firm beleif is challenged when the BS implements the rules of the 180 degree list. Suddenly the WS does take notice and starts to reevaluate the BS and the longer the BS continues implementing the 180 rules, the more the WS questions his/her view of the BS and his/her decision to end the marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"I see no reason why Plan A cannot be interupted with a few hours of a Plan B, if a short plan B is needed."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry but there is no such thing as a 'short' plan B. A temporary separation from the WS is not the same as Plan B.

Plan B is the next step when Plan A has failed to separate the WS from the OP. The time to go to Plan B is when the WS wants to continue to have both the BS and the OP ,can't or won't decide to chose between the two, AND the BS is having a difficult time controlling love busting the WS. The BS gives the WS a Plan B letter in which the BS expresses his/her love for the WS, apologizes for not meeting the WS EN(emotional needs), expresses hope that the WS will one day will want to rebuild the M(marriage), BUT the continuation of A(affair) is too painful for the BS to endure and because of this, the BS wants no more contact with the WS until the WS ends all contact with the OP FOREVER and expresses a willingness to commit to a marital recovery plan that includes counseling with a pro-marriage professional (like Steve Harley or Penny Tupy) as well as strict observance of the four rules for a succesful marriage (see link bellow). Plan B is the last resort before one of two things happen, the WS ends the A and wants to rebuild the marriage OR the WS still continues the A and the BS has lost all love for the WS and divorce is a certainty.

Dear Mr. Coffee,

I will try to refer to my leaving the premises on heightened emotions as a short, temporary or brief unilateral separation, rather than a modified or short Plan B. Perhaps a 6 Hour unilateral separation would more accurately convey my practice.

I am looking into the approach of DIFFERENTAL ATTENTION. I have heard good things about it, but I have very little info on it yet.

Respectfully,

Quipper,
Married 28 years and still struggling.

<small>[ July 27, 2003, 06:05 PM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>