Hi Everyone...this is my very first post here on Marriage Builders, but I am not, and repeat, am not a stranger to the MB concepts. I have diligently followed all but one of the MB concepts which probably would help me the most; I cannot conduct a very effective and productive Plan B....I'm weak. I have to put this all down to low self-esteem and nearly one year of allowing myself to be abused (not physically, just mentally). Of course I love him, why would I do it, right? However, as time passes, I wonder if it is love that is making me so depressed, angry and upset? I wonder, is he just a habit I am finding difficult to kick? In all honesty, I do not even know if I want him (should he every decide that he misses me and his children). I have read, re-read posts on this, I have taken the advice of other MB'ers, yet still, I allow him back into my life. Just when I feel I have control, I allow him back in with his sweet talk of wanting to try and reconcile, that he misses me and loves me, etc., etc. I know it is a crock of lies because he would be here with me, wouldn't he?

I need some strong advice, a kick in the butt, I don't know what, to get me thru this. I find myself changing toward him. My pride is hurt and I feel that I am punishing everyone because of it. Yet, what I want to do is heal and fast. As a result of my H's affair, I have changed physically. More men are turning their heads at me and I like the attention. I've received an offer or two, but, as a devoted (albeit stupid) wife, I'm holding out for something that I know is never going to be. I do not speak divorce because it is not what I want; but I am lonely for male companionship...not just sexual, but more on the lines of someone to have fun with. I'm a good mother with a lot to offer, why should I work so hard while H has all of the fun in his new relationship. How can you Plan B, keep your marriage intact, meet new people, etc., etc.

Help!!!

Resigned,

For clarity so that you can get responses, please answer:

Is he living out of the house?
Living with an OW?
Sleeping home sometimes?
Are you seeing a counselor?

For me, please describe your personal Plan B. I mean, what would it look like.

Thanks.

Hi Belle..sorry for the lack of details, so, here they are.

H is currently living with OW, since he has no "options" according to him. Am I slow, or does being the wife disqualify me?

He has been going back and forth between OW, ex-wife, friends, hotels, etc., etc. (but in my heart I know where he truly is at all times). He did sleep over once or twice, but I'd rather he didn't; apparently he was arguing with OW and needed a place to stay. He always went running back.

As for what I consider a good Plan B...No contact whatsoever. It is just that I always manage to bungle it up. I sent a Plan B letter, he laughed at me and then shared it with OW...I was so humiliated and embarrassed that I never sent another piece of correspondence again. I have been receiving correspondence from him, but I am ignoring (unless pointed questions related to our children). He tells me that he loves me, yet he does not show this one wit. He tells me he this's and that's, but I believe actions speak so much louder than words.

I've tried desperately to save this Belle, so much so that I've questioned my own motivation at times. I guess I will eventually shed this cloak of depression sooner or later.

Hi Belle..sorry for the lack of details, so, here they are.

H is currently living with OW, since he has no "options" according to him. Am I slow, or does being the wife disqualify me?

He has been going back and forth between OW, ex-wife, friends, hotels, etc., etc. (but in my heart I know where he truly is at all times). He did sleep over once or twice, but I'd rather he didn't; apparently he was arguing with OW and needed a place to stay. He always went running back.

As for what I consider a good Plan B...No contact whatsoever. It is just that I always manage to bungle it up. I sent a Plan B letter, he laughed at me and then shared it with OW...I was so humiliated and embarrassed that I never sent another piece of correspondence again. I have been receiving correspondence from him, but I am ignoring (unless pointed questions related to our children). He tells me that he loves me, yet he does not show this one wit. He tells me he this's and that's, but I believe actions speak so much louder than words.

I've tried desperately to save this Belle, so much so that I've questioned my own motivation at times. I guess I will eventually shed this cloak of depression sooner or later.

Resigned,

Plan A/B is not for eveyone. This is just one of the M saving technique that M conselor uses. There is 180 degree (version of plan A) or tough love (version of plan B) and many other. Don't kick yourself in the rear end.

Actually I would advice you to look at yourself why you do this to yourself. I am helping OMExW to get stronger ... This is 7 months after their Dv and she is just getting stronger. Her IC gives up on her, her mom is mad, her family and freinds too. After talking more to her, it turned out to be her father is an alcoholic and she lives through it to be "the savior" of the family. Talking her through her past and make her realizes that she is not a weakling. She just needs time to reliaze who WH is. I don't know your situation but what has help her is we constantly talk to exchange info. Actually I do this for her, I have move on. She finally sees who WH really is. WH is a predator and she starts conting her blessing now.

-rh-