I would like to thank everybody who responded to my first post, there is more to it than what I put in my first post. My wife and I had what I am now finding out a normal relationship, based upon everything I am now reading it was probably a very good one. Without getting to long winded, I simply think that just like a lot of people we lost touch with one and other. Big house, big family and everything in between, my wife put her family before me and I put work and activities before her.

Here is my problem in a nut shell, shortly after our brake up I started seeing the OW, it has gotten to the point that I am now living there. I completely agree with everybody about making my intensions clear and then never seeing the OW. However, besides my wife’s family I have absolutely no one else, so if I drop the OW and things don’t work out with my wife I will have to go back to England where my family live. With the amount of child support I pay I would not be able to survive, if I have to go to England how would I ever see my children.

Do I just take the chance, go back and all will be fine following the marriage builders guide to a happy marriage. How do I know if my wife rely wants to work things out, she keeps telling me I will know what to do when the time comes however, you might be too late. I have asked my wife for help, telling her that I am not sure what to do and as you can imagine this makes her angry.

My wife is beautiful, smart and has a lot to offer. I love my wife and my children, I would be crushed if she found someone else. To the person with 22 years under his belt I can not even imagine what you went through the day of your daughters wedding when the other dad walked her down the isle.

Crazy, I am living with the OW and the thought of my wife being with another person makes me feel sick. One of the offer reasons I am on the fence is if I found out that she was with another person I might not be so forgiving, I would probably make her life miserable. Double standards, great what have I become, I can tell you this I am confused and sad.

Ok, so what is your question???, you say you love your wife, want to be with your kids and the only family you have is your wife's.

But, you continue to live with the OW, if you DO love your wife as you say, get away from the OW. Sounds like your not so sure as to what you want, you expect your wife to make a attempt to reconciliate while your with the OW, not being harsh, but you are out of your mind.

DUMP the OP, let your wife see you are on your own, talk to her when you get rid of your anchor, the OP, your wife just might take you seriously then, till you get rid of the OP, your just kidding yourself.

Rookie

Jion....whew..what a mess. You speak highly of your wife and children, yet you cannot commit. Why not get a small studio on your own to give yourself the space you need to sort things out...a haven away from all things, a peaceful place of serenity for you without any stress for answers. It sounds like you been through a great deal of pain.

Jion..sorry, I had a couple of other questions....

Jion, you speak of your wife being angry. Does she know where you are living? As the BS, I know the pain and hurt of this knowledge. It is like a knife to your gut.

Does your wife want you back? Does she ever ask? Maybe, and I'm playing Devil's Advocate here, that she would put my emphasis into working on your marriage if she felt that you wanted your marriage to work? Like I said, I'm making longshot calls here.

Jion, as a BS, it is very difficult to read your e-mails. I'm going thru it, so I know how your wife must feel. If you are with OW, I have no reason to disregard your wife's anger. Why shouldn't she be angry.

jion35,

Listen ... I will give you one more if to think about ... If you stay with OW, do you think your R with OW will last ? .... PLLEEEEAAASEEEE, don't kid yourself.

Judging from your own words ... if you don't come back quick to your W someone will snatched her for sure. She is family oriented, pretty, smart, and has a lot to offer. There must be a lot of men out there just waiting for you to get disappear and go after her. The choice is yours.

-rh-

Redhat...good point. It is almost too scary to think that there is life after an affair for the BS. I think about it everyday. I think that when the BS stops focussing on the OW, then he/she can move forward. When that happens, watch out.

Jion35, I hope that you take the advice from these guys...they have taken me from an extreme depression to living a life again. Listen and try out their advice...it has worked for me.

Hi jion,

A friend of mine asked me to stop by and look on you. Okay, first order of business is to stop contact with the OW. If you are afraid that your marriage won't work and you'll have no where to go if it doesn't.....fine, then don't move back home yet. That's okay. What isn't okay is living with OW and having contact with OW. Do you have a friend who would let you bunk with them for a bit while you work on your marriage instead of your affair? If you're looking for a guarantee not to have to go back to England.....in reality....you can't have it. Your marriage may not work out, and your affair is has a 97% chance of failure. I give your marriage way higher odds than that if you can recommit to it. Find a second job, get another residence and see what's left. If it doesn't work out, you'll have your own place instead of living off the largesse of someone you don't love. Right now, none of this is fair to anyone. Think outside of the box okay? You can do this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> We'll help.

Unlike many of us, God loves us unconditionally, however, we must remember that God gave us a free will and we are responsible for "our" choices in life. Our choices have blessings attached to them as well as curses. So, get into a quiet place, "really" think about what you have done, who you have done it to, and how to get out of the situation you now find yourself in. Once you have taken this quiet time, reflect upon your actions and deeds. Ask God to help you first shift thru your actions and ask for Grace to take on what you have done and to give you divine Wisdom and more Grace to help you do what you must to get your self respect, pride, honor, value, and self esteem back. Once you have evaluated your inner man, and find yourself as a good father, good person, even a good husband, then believe, BY FAITH, THAT THIS CAN MANIFEST ITSELF. Faith is: believing that you already have what you wish for before it actually manifested. Start believing in what you "truly want" and begin "there". Leave all the sin behind and go for the "dream" by faith. If your wife, family, children, peace, love, grace, what you want -- aim for it with God help you will received it abundantly. God loves you and so do I. You are in my prayers. Keep your head up! "GOD"

Jion, I read your second e-mail of today. I cannot stress the importance of "time" moving along. 22years felt like just yesterday and unfortunately, there is no way to get it back. I missed all of the good times there were to be had with my children. I keep on mentioning children because they are really what marraiges are all about.

While embroiled in my past relationship, I too thought the OW was meeting all those needs that my wife wasn't. That last for less than one year before her true colors emerged; now I blame her for the rest of my life. Instead of her, who claimed that she loved me, let me go back to my family, she selfishly and selflessly hoarded me for herself. What I gave up was more precious than you could ever imagine....I gave up time; time that I could never recapture.

Trust me, I know the excitement of an "affair", but I also know the devastation in its wake. While the OW is making herself the center of your world, your family...the ones you left behind are becoming the center of someone else's world. It is a scary prospect...but it does happen. While the OW/OM are more trophy pieces (as they always look and act their best), they are not a part of the real world. They are a part of what we like to consider "fantasy". Look at life in its entirety and really look around and see, who is perfect and who claims perfection.

Keep in mind when you first met your spouse...I bets she was pretty, exciting and you were in love...you wouldn't have married otherwise. Try to get that back Jion...I speak from so much experience and it is with such pain that I try to reach out to you. I wish that I could take back all of the pain that I cause...so, the only way that I have to make my conscious a bit lighter, is to try to help others. There is no other way for me Jion...I hope that you learn sooner, rather than later.

Dear Jion 35,

It is not clear to me how your divorce date figures into having to return to England.

You do not say much about your relationship with your children. How is your separation affecting your children? How do you see your relationship changing with your children, over time, if you refuse to try to come back?

Are there more details or generalizations you might share about the disagreements with your wife that existed before you started the affair? What would you like for your wife to change to make things more pleasant for you? What choices of words can you think of to ask her for those changes?

How truthful were you with the other woman when you started the affair? What are you telling her now that may not be wholly true? Is the other woman someone who would be true to you and see you through?

Sometimes I feel that I would have had a better relationship with my daughter if I had divorced my wife earlier on, because my wife and I had more than occasional arguments in front of the kids. You mention one fight as if it was out of the blue. What is the balance between the amount of conflict in the marriage in the past, and what you might expect in the future? You say looking back your marriage seems normal. How did it look and feel at the time?

Some men report that the second marriage seems to run much smoother, with a substantial reduction in harsh words.

Will the other woman make a good partner for the future? You make it sound like you are stuck, yet your feet keep taking you to the other woman. Is there something your feet know that your heart and mind do not yet realize? You make it seem that the other woman will not wait for you to try to put your marriage back together. It seems that you would be broken hearted to lose the other woman. Is having no one for a while, or even longer, so scary that it is not worth the risk to be able to righteously say, "I saw my errors and I valiantly tried to re-establish my marriage and fatherhood."

I'm trying to manage my marriage better by managing reductive consequences. When I am upset, I am trying to use constructive, yet genuine reductions in my efforts to please. If my wife is doing less, then I want to point out to her that she is doing less, and that I feel shortchanged, so I am doing less, but I would like to do more, and I would like her to do more. Keeping at maximum love bank depositing makes me feel like a doormat.

Still working on the particulars. Ordered some books by Gerald R. Patterson, Adolescant Parent Training, 2 Volume set, Castalia Press, 1-541-343-4433. It is supposed to cover reductive consequences for more adult situations.

Best wishes for your kids,

Quipper,
Married 28 years and still struggling,

<small>[ July 28, 2003, 08:55 PM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>

Jion35....everyone has been responding to your post, but you do not give feedback. Are we reaching you out there? I wish I could reach my spouse, but he is not open to listen. Please, do not take this as criticism, but please try to respond, so that we can help you.

Resigned,
Sorry for not responding, I am new at this and was not sure how to do it. I guess I just reply like so. Thank you for helping me, is this the correct way to respond.

Yep. You keep responding to the thread. Hope you are working through your issues Jion35, you may hve a tough raod ahed, but it will be worth it in the end.

J,

You don't have a whole lot of time to be on your fence. While you are on the fence, you marriage continues to deteriorate. You can't work on your marriage with the OW in the picture. By not making a decision, you are, by default, making a decision: not to work on your marriage. You have a window of opportunity to work on a marriage. It will close.

Don't stay on the fence so long that you lose both the present and the future.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My wife is beautiful, smart and has a lot to offer. I love my wife and my children, I would be crushed if she found someone else. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your wife is going without having her ENs met. How long do you think that will last before someone begins to meet them? People don't plan to have affairs, they happen because of unmet emotional needs. You are leaving your W's ENs unmet. This is a dangerous situation if you have any idea that you might want your marriage to work.