What should I include in a Plan B letter? Would it be appropriate to put in a part of the OW telling her H that the two of them are seeing eachother? I don't want to be the party to more deception.

<small>[ July 28, 2003, 06:50 PM: Message edited by: SusanBT ]</small>

SusanBT,

Basically it is a love letter from BS and at the end you need to close it with request of NC and special paragraph to OW. I love you letter but I can't take it no more and I would not have contact until you are willing o work on M.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Would it be appropriate to put in a part of the OW telling her H that the two of them are seeing eachother? I don't want to be the party to more deception.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is not appropriate say that. Have you plan A ?.

-rh-

As I sit here about ready to puke, he is with her trying to sort out his feelings. I gave him a day with her with the understanding that we would have decided definitively on a course of action when they were done. He led me to believe this morning that we were headed for plan a. But as the day has worn on, I am having serious doubts. I am preparing for both. ::big sigh::

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SusanBT:
<strong>As I sit here about ready to puke, he is with her trying to sort out his feelings. I gave him a day with her with the understanding that we would have decided definitively on a course of action when they were done. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does it work for you to give WH's ultimatum ?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> He led me to believe this morning that we were headed for plan a. But as the day has worn on, I am having serious doubts. I am preparing for both. ::big sigh::</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please read this web site by following the GENERAL WELCOME's links. Plan A is on you and not about him. You have misunderstanding about plan A/plan B.

Could you give more detail ? any kids ?, durations of A ... etc ?.

-rh-

I read your post on JFO. I agree w/ STL or star*fish and I understand well why you want to do plan B. You should. I don't know the detail about your WH but he might have unresolved issues that he has to face on his own. I would send him to a good christian conselor for IC, not MC !. He has done it more than 2x he must have problem.

Post your Plan B letter, many would be able to review it and give their oppinion.

-rh-

Susan,

Here's a general list of things that should be in a plan B letter:

Things that need to be in a PBL

• I love you.
• I married you for life. I want to stay married to you
• I am willing to do what it takes to be the spouse you've always wanted and to address the things I did wrong in the marriage.
• The affair/neglect/abuse is so painful for me that it will destroy the love I have for you. In order to protect those feelings I must end all contact with you.
• As soon as the affair/neglect/abuse is over I would love to talk with you about our future.
• Until that time please respect my wish for no contact whatsoever
• In an emergency you can reach me through______.
• Arrangements for seeing children and handling finances are_____.

Hope this helps.

Susan, I'd really like to see you give cerri a shout and get her take on this. I am surprised you gave in to his request to see this woman. I understand your motive, but I think it was probably foolish. I'm no longer sure that a Plan B won't be something your husband will use against you to satiate himself for a shor time with this woman. I think you should talk to one of the coaches befor you decide. So sorry.

I agree with your comments, star*fish. My biggest fear with Plan B was that he would eat his cake and have another waiting for him when he was finished.
For that reason, I made it clear that if we went that route (or ANY route that led him in ANY way to her in ANY manner), that we would be apart entirely and I would prepare myself to move on. That could mean that in time, I could decide to try dating, I would be exploring options to deal with singlehood--money, etc. I made it clear that I could NOT be just sitting waiting for him. Three years ago, we were apart for only a matter of days.
Redhat, you mentioned IC. That is the first place he went. We're not in MC yet. He is VERY insistant that he be able to work on himself, even if we don't stay together.
We are currently doing a "Plan A" trial. He is doing well with NC, I think, but misses her terribly.
::

My biggest fear with Plan B was that he would eat his cake and have another waiting for him when he was finished.
Plan B is NOT simply taking them back if they end the affair. It is when you are willing to get together to DISCUSS reconciliation and what would have to be done for reconciliation to occur.

That could mean that in time, I could decide to try dating,
You would do this while in married and in Plan B? In PLan B you are STILL married and you want your spuse to KNOW that and that you are NOT open to anything that is not inline with being married (such as dating).

I would be exploring options to deal with singlehood--money, etc.
THis is what PLan B is all about. Finding yourself and working out what NEEDS to be done.

I made it clear that I could NOT be just sitting waiting for him.
This is sort of implied in the letter and what is put in it. You are open to discussing reconciliation and you are not simply waiting for his return and then you WILL get back together. But you do not even imply you will be dating, seeing others, etc.

Many things will HAVE to change in the relationship if you reconcile. THis is all part of the process of "working on the marriage."

We are currently doing a "Plan A" trial.
Plan A is something YOU do, not him. He doesn't have to like it, agree with it or even know about it. You meet his needs as best you can and put your own needs on hold for a while. Your won neds getting put on hold is the main reason you cannot do it for a long time.

He is doing well with NC, I think, but misses her terribly. ::
This should be expected. She was apart of his life in some way. (puke, gag, aaaccckkkk!, I know), but to simply expect him to NOT feel anything would be sticking your head in the sand.

This is not a short simple process. It is long, hard and very difficult (emotionally, physically, mentally, jsut about any way you can imagine.)

Read all the links below.

<small>[ July 31, 2003, 11:07 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

If you remember from the other thread Susan....I really agree with you about plan B. I figured if you wanted to write the letter anyway....I'd just give you the guidelines. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Would it be appropriate to put in a part of the OW telling her H that the two of them are seeing eachother?
I think this should be done BEFORE you do a Plan B letter and give it a week or two to hit everyone before you send a Plan B letter.

And please post the letter here if/before you send it.

Chris,

Be sure and read her original post in JFO. This is his second affair. She's already been through the whole plan once. It's kind of a strange sitch. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SusanBT:
<strong>... He is VERY insistant that he be able to work on himself, even if we don't stay together.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is not negotiable. He can't work on himself by himself alone ... he did it 2x. I agree with star*fish to get conseling on your own, to review your plan A and get coaching on plan B.
-rh-

Just as some background info...

Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)
Plan B - 101 (2nd ed.)
Plan B - 201

and

Sample Plan B Letters.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim/NSR