Jion, I think one of the things that you need in trying to make things "work" is patience. Unfortunately, while your MIL maybe someone you could talk to, she wouldn't be the person....that person is your wife. Did you ever ask you wife if she could forgive you or are you assuing that she won't? I hate it when people just assume they know how you'd react.

The one bit of advise that I think everyone on this forum and those who practice MB in general say that same thing....you cannot work on a marriage while with the OW. Jion, revrse the situ and put yourself in a BS shoes. You mentioned that you may not be as forgiving if your w found someone. I'm confused agian (sorry, it's happens alot). If you love your wife, children and family and want to be with them, if you are sure your wife loves you back and that is where you want to be, why don't you go for it man. I think everyone would agrees that you have an opportunity here. Do you truly care what the other woman thinks or feels, when you can regain back the love and respect of those who rightfuly deserve to do so? Don't you think that a small par tof the blame should be placed at the OW's door for seeing your unhappiness but caring about her own selfishneeds? I don not mean to down anyone Jion, but wake up and see life for what it is, a test, a trial and many tribualations.

Resigned,

You are right, at this piont I have already lost almost everything. What the hell, like I said these next couple of weeks are going to be big for me starting with this weekend. I will be stronge and I will get through this no matter the outcome. I miss my family so that will be my driving force.

Jion35, I've been reading michaelm's posts...lord, I feel like bawlin'...the poor man. I hope you don't end up like hime. I just want to hug him adn make him all better.

God gave us choices Jion. Lord, I wish my spouce would listen to me. We have such opportunitys, yet he remains scares. I love him and want to wait, but I'm scared too; yet I think we can make it. My prayers are with you Jion, I've been meanin to tell you that God is very important and you need to confide in him and ask him for strength. I learned a bit about your kids in an earlier post. Children love so you can rebuild. Your spouce will require time, but I'm big on the PATIENCE thing Jion....it is true that it is a virtua and is rewarded. Special is a bit overrated and too much of a Hallmark word for me, but I know, as a woman, I want to be wanted and needed. I miss my H relying on me. He really needed me. Like I said, special is too, greeting card type of word, but, think along the same lines and maybe you can get an idea of what she means.

Dear Jion 35,

You say that your communication with your mother-in-law is lost. Is there anyway to restore it? Could you send her a letter stating your intentions, and ask her to speak by phone or E-mail? Any other relatives to start smaller with?

I usually don't spend more than a day or two a month in a unilateral separation, living out of backpaacks and satchesls, so I am not a tough as you have been. But I keep my important satchels and back packs organized and ready, if not in my car.

Are there any other holds that the other woman might have on you, that you may need to pay attention to, in effecting a sparation? I remember in a soap opera on TV, in which the other woman had connections at the wayward husband's work to get the wayward spouse demoted, if he tried to end the affair. Anything like that need to be thought through?

In the ordinary husband-wife relationship, the husband usually brings money to the relationship. Since your wife now has the child support Order, and your payments are coming in, are there other aspects of the marriage that you can rebuild, that will establish a contribution to your wife's household, that are voluntarily extra, given by you?

Is the reality of the situation that since the court order, you now have little money to live on? Is another reality, that if a divorce is finalized, that your status in the United States will be changed, and you will be sent back to England? So is it in your wife's intersts to keep the divorce dangling over your head? Is it within your power to push through a divorce in Court now, and return to England?

In speaking to your wife, or her relatives, you should be clear on your powers and responsibilities. I am trying to develop a more coherent list for myself, of what exercises of power I might have as options, that either positively or negatively affect my wife. When my wife is talking pleastly of being considerate of my ideas, then I should try to talk about doing extra things for her, as a reward. If my wife is being uncooperative, and speaking disrespectfully or unkindly, then I should bring up ideas that are in my interests, but adverse to hers, and thereby set in motion the thoughts for my wife to increase her cooperation, politeness. The concept may be referred to as reductive consequences. I am waiting for the books to arrive.

Best wishes,

Quipper,
Married 28 years and still strugging.

Quipper, awsome points. My H's OW dangles...oh, she is soooo good at it, Im envious of her abilities. I must say that my H is, even in his fog, becoming more immune to the plys. For example, he wsa at my house helping me fix a night table. I was dying because I just wanted to be close, but I held myself back. Do you know how many times she called me house? In the hour that he was their, 10 times. Her final reason to rush him home, and get this, she was going to to send me pictures of their last outing together....to make me mad. How childlish is that!@ I was crying inside, but laughed anyone and politely walked him to the front door. He looked like he wanted to stay, but he didn't. He couldn't even hold up his head.

I agree with Quipper whole hearted Jion, make all necessary arrangements and prepratsions for a very bumpy ride.

Resigned,

You are a new nember, have you just started having problems. What happened in your case, how long have you been separated from your husband. From your point of view, how would you deal with your husband coming to you after everything that has happened and saying that he wanted to come home. would you welcome him, what if you was seeing someone else would you drop them to work on things with your husband. I think that my wife is seeing or is interested in seeing someone else, what if I am to late. Do you think that I am doing the right thing, keeping your husband I mind what would you advise me to do. Am I on track, or do you think that I am to late or am I wasting time.

Ah Jion, so the plot thickens. You believe your wife is seeing someone else? Do you have proof?

Let's take first thing first...I have loved my H since I met him and that has not changed. His a devistated me, but I grew. He sees it. We've been apart for a little less (a couple weeks) of a year. It has been a yar of darkness and sadness. We were together 20 years. They wer good and bad years, and some so, so ones in between, but I neglected, he neglected and we wer both to blame. However, as my H comes out of his fog (more and more), he realizes that I cannot be blamed for his leaving me...it was his choice. Would I welcome him...yes, would it be a challenge for us, yes, but I'm ready, when he is. Did I ever thing about going on...in the beginning when it first happened, I wanted to get back at him for all of the pain, but you know what, it was empty Jion, you can talk, suppose, claim, etc and it doesn't mean a thing.

You are separated how long? Ten months, I think you wrote somewhere. Your wife has waited that long, then I think that she is still there for you. I think I said, she is proably Plan B...if it is, it is notthat she doesn't want you back...it is that she DOES want you back, but she wants you and not your relationship with OW. The reason for a Plan B is to protect, remember. Her feelings are fragile and if you promise and don't come thru, she'll be deviasted. Yet, 10 months of her waiting to mea, means she really does want you.

You must tell her. My H when he comes out of the fog makes me feel like I'm the only women in the world...I love it and I want him back so bad that it hurts sometime.

Finally, do you think you are late? No, if she is Plan B then she is basically stating she is waiting for you/ If you love her man, whatever it takes, even if it means fighting for her, do it....REsigned

dear jion
I have been reading your correspondenceand the

Johned,

Did not get all the details, for some reason you was cut off. I would like to have any input you might have.

Hey Jion35...a thoughtful think to do for your spouce....an e-card. I just received one and they are too cute. It brightened up my day because I had such a crappy one yesterday...they have lots of them, funny, silly, etc., etc. I liked it and thought that it is an ice breaker. I'm not into the Hallmark types f things, but it sure put a msile on my face.

Dear Jion35,

I,ve been reading your correspondence for a week. I am here to shake your world. First, you have a wife every man dreams of. A woman who is pretty, smart, FAITHFUL, mother of your children and a best friend. You have a family who loves you like a son and you love them. A mother-in-law who you confide in, which is amazing! What makes you think your mother-in-law won't talk to you? Did she tell you never to call? I'm sure She will be willing to help iron things out so your marriage will survive, because she has her est interest at heart. I,m sure if you called your wife and told her what your intentions are, that you would not be homeless when you return from your business trip. Your wife seems like a very loving and forgiving person. You need to believe in her love for you and your children. You need to be completely honest and forthcoming with your infidelity, problems, concerns, beliefs. If your wife told you to jump from a bridge, would you do it? My suggestion for you my friend is to get brave and pick the phone up to begin to rebuild your friendship, relationship, marriage and fatherhood. You need to start from scratch, well here's SCRATCH!! First, the woman you fell in love with and married so many years ago is amazingly still there for you. The only problem you had was a comunication problem, which is not life threatening. Second, before you leave on your trip you must leave OW, have no contact at all!!!!!! This should be easy for you, since you love your wife and from reading your correspondence it seems to me this you don't have these feelings for this OW. This should not deter you from making good with your promises. In the weeks your away, establish the relationship with your wife. If your wife is as loving and a best friend as you say she is, she will take you back. Have you asked for forgiveness? And if so, what was her answer? If she waited all this time, what makes you think your out of the picture. About this other woman, is she single, did you replace someone, is it physical, because this gets old. If she is divorced? Why is that? Did you ever ask? Not that it is important to rebuild your marriage but is she worth losing EVERYTHING, EVERYONE and everything you have worked for? Don,t think so, because it sounds like you want to go home. I,m talking from experience. I have been through a very similar break with my spouse. I was the adultery, I left, and realizedlater on that I made a complete mistake and wanted to come home. In the beginning my wife would have done anythin g for me to come home, rebuild, forgive, start over. But after a certain amount of time, I thought it would be to late and she wouldn't want me anymore. I was wrong. After I got the courage to admit my wrongs and how much I loved her and wanted my family back and all I felt was remorse and admitted all this and plead for her forgiveness, she took me back and loves me just as much or more than before my mistake. I am extremely grateful for this. So Take my advice and strap up, get brave, and jump the heck in get this done for the sanity of you, your wife, children and anyone else hurt by your actions.
Sincerely,

Shaker

Resigned,

Do you know where to go on the internet, I think that is a good idea. We stopped doing stuff like that along time ago, my wife always liked stuff like that.

JIon...2 things....read Johned's post to you, was so touching. It will touch your herart. Secondly, do you use Google as a search engine or yahoo or any of those..just type e-cards and they will take you to hundreds of free sights.

Good Luck and God Bless

Hello Jion35...how are you doing? You were prety vocale earlier i nthe week, but have gone quite. I hope you are doinhg well. Have you been reading posts. You've been lucky with people coming toyour aid. Keep responding and keep up the threat.

Good Luck.

Johned,
Thank you for so candid and straight to the point, I am very happy that things worked out for you and your family. There is hope, I guess you have to just get back on track and work hard at rebuilding your family. What’s harder being forgiven by yourself or others, I have had a problem being in the company of my wife’s family. Not because of the way they make me feel, it’s the way I make myself feel. When I go home, do tell my wife about all things that I felt were wrong with the marriage or do I let the dust settle. What happens, do you just carry on as though nothing happened or do you ground rules. What if my wife is unwilling to do certain things that I would want her to do and what if I am unwilling to do what she wants. I guess compromise is what makes the world go round. One of the problems I have had is the fact that I felt my wife was over bearing, she didn’t trust me when I didn’t do anything, what now. I am sure that you have had to deal with some of these problems, may be you could shed some light.

Resigned,
I am very interested in what everybody has to say, I am sorry if I do not get back right away. I am at work, we very busy also, I share an office with two offer people who sit quite close. Thank you for the e-card idea, it should work out well, I will send some from North Carolina. Resigned, any information on what’s going on with your husband, one of things that I really like about this forum is the fact that I am communicating with real people, who have experienced the good and bad in life. No matter what the outcome is it’s a great place for support, thanks again for keeping me focused on the important things in life.

Jion35, a little background. My H and I were very much in "love" for a long time. I guess, loike in all mariages, things just come apart. H mistook my moodyiness, vacant looks and disinterest as though I were, as he putts it, going out on him. I wasn't, I was just preoccupied with thinges and I was growing up. He wasn't used to me not being so "kiddish" anymore. Anyway, he did inddeed have an A, he did it first. It crusched me. I wanted to die, but I did n't, (I'm here right). Well, he realizes now, when he comes thru his fog. That it wasn't him, but he shouldv'e ask me. No, he just assmed that it was him...that is why I 'm so against reading others thoughts. My H is learning that while he believes he is in the perfect relationship, it isn't so perfect without th eimportant people. I was good for him, to him, but the OW made him believe that I wasn't. Of course, who has him know; the one who makes him feel most important. Yet, I feel that when he does fully wake up from his "delirium", he;ll recognize a different world, one that kept spinning.

I read your esponse to JohnEd, she was overbearing. When men and woman re strong personalities and try to dominate, I think it is a self-esteem issue. It is about control, I believe. But taht to, like many other marital problems can be handled with a little talking. My H and I talk more now than we ever did in our marriage. When we talk, it seems we have the best time. I didn't know that he didn't like my hair color or the way I decorated, but I shared withe hime hings thta I was not all to pleased with either. IF we could have done this years ago, I wouldn't be on here today. I just know that Jion, you seem so convicted, but then scared. This is what they call rollercoastering of emotionals. I think that is why your're wife is in what I take as a Plan B. You are very convinceing of how much she is, how this and how that, but you've always managed to bring up things. It is though you put off tomorrow what could be done today. Working out of fear will only backfilre on you Jion. While your wife probably would relish the day you return, she canot be there forever, and the longer you procrastinate, the earier is is for the life to go on.

Good Luck

Jion35,
I've been following your posts and I think it's great that you're wanting to go back to your family. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm sure you're scared but you're willing to take that chance.

I think you are doing the right thing.

As a BS I am waiting for the day for my WH to come back. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

It will be hard work to rebuild your marriage but as I've heard from many on this site, you come out stronger and happier TOGETHER if both of you really want it.

I wish you the best of luck. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

One quick question, have you already left the OW? If not, why?

Hi Jion, and everyone else.
I have been following your postings with great interest, and had i known about this site and the support and advice it offered a year ago, i would not be in the position i am in now - sleeping in a friend's spare room. I apologise to all if i have not yet had time to learn all the abbreviations!
My story, briefly, is that i was married to a wonderful woman for 12 years, and we have an 8 year old boy together. Unfortunately, due to a stagnant phase in our love-life, brought on by the both of us having busy professional lives, i sought solace in a woman (OW, i guess!) at work. I will not bore you with the sordid details.
My wife found out about it - i was not as careful in covering my tracks as i thought, and she threw me out. She does not want me back, although i love and miss her and Nicholas terribly. I have no way of going back, Jion.... BUT YOU DO!!!!
Come on, man, what on earth are you waiting for? It is great that you are making encouraging noises on the Board, but it is actions that count! You are soooooo lucky not to be in the situation that i am in. It sounds like the woman loves you and wants you back, but needs to be totally sure that your OW is out of the picture. I agree that your trip to NC is a good watershed opportunity, but you mentioned something yesterday, i think, which concerned me ...
"I wish could talk to my wife about this before".

That sounds to me as if you could be harbouring some idea of checking she is going to take you back before you embark on giving the OW the old heave-ho.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Forget it! You have to drop her FIRST, and recondition your mind-set while you are away. Send your wife e-cards (greetings.yahoo.com is a good site), send her flowers, call her, and for ****'s sake, don't argue!
I can understand why the MiL is not as cool with you as she used to be ... she is still the lioness, and you have hurt one of her cubs badly. She is bound to be protective of her daughter.

It is YOUR position in life to be protective of YOUR children. The clock is ticking. Ten months! Every day you delay, you run the risk of someone snatching up a woman of her qualities, and them becoming "Dad" to YOUR kids. Do not let that happen to you, like it has to me. You are lucky - she wants you back. Do the right thing, my friend.

EC

Very strainge that you have choose the name Englishcheetha, and that you have son called Nicholas. My name is Nicholas and I was born in England, well anyway I will take what you have to say as good advice, and actions do speek loader tahn words. I miss my family and I get the piont, everybody has given me a lot of good information however, I think that once you get through the chater they are saying go home before it is to late.

Thanks for the input, Nicholas

Jion35....although you are the WS and I shouldn't be commiseratin with you, I think you pretty much got the picture of what needs to be done. I hope that the advise that is given is taken and put to good use. I'm not particularley fond of having personal information broadcasted, like names and stuff, so be careful about using your name...while it is a nice naem, you are Jion35 here.

There's nothing more than can be said about what needs to be done Jion...but it si something that has to be done. Have you tried your wife, is she still adamant with no contact? How about your children? Good Luck and God Bless you on youre quest.