Jion 35
I also have a job in a busy office so I can't write all the time it just so happens the boss away for two days. Perfect opportunity to write to yo u . First, you do not make nor does your wife make any demands on one another. Just let the dust settle for awhile. Just be kind to one another. You will have plenty of time to discuss things that you bothwant to change. Being separated gave you both plenty of time to think about how you want to live in harmon't ky. You did not fall out of love you fell out of communicaton.Jion why are you waiting until you go to North Carolina to send your wife something?Pick up the phone and talk to her. Please don't make empty promises that you can't keep. Please be 100 percent honest and tell her what you wnat to do. You must wipe the slate clean and there will be thing that pop up now and then and talk about them don't fight. Be prepared because the ow is not going to take this lying down. I was threatened that she would tell my wife this and that, that I was a liar,true because that's how our relationship started, from lies and deceit, Also know this that the ow is also a liar and a deceit person and she will stop at nothing to ruin your chances of being a happy family. She has an ax to grind. So you and also your wife must remain strong through this and take my advises. All the nice things she does for you is just until she has full control,when she attains this you will be in another traped situation that you won,t be able to leave. Trust me when I tell you that she can never replace your wife and children.She can never give you any of the old times that you shared with your wife, the birth of your children,the holidays that once were and these are the things that I missed. My turning point was during the holidays when my child said that he asked Santa to bring me home,when walkedthroug the stores and seen fathers holding their children and shopping and every one was happy except me. I desereted my wife,make my children sad on a holiday that should have been a happy time. I coulnd't walk through a store without tears in my eyes. No children should have to endure such pain. I can tell by the way you write that you honestly love your wife ,children and family,so you just have to jump in and return to your wife and put your trust back in her and not the ow. I will keep you in my prayers,God Bless and take care.

Jion 35
I also have a job in a busy office so I can't write all the time it just so happens the boss away for two days. Perfect opportunity to write to yo u . First, you do not make nor does your wife make any demands on one another. Just let the dust settle for awhile. Just be kind to one another. You will have plenty of time to discuss things that you bothwant to change. Being separated gave you both plenty of time to think about how you want to live in harmon't ky. You did not fall out of love you fell out of communicaton.Jion why are you waiting until you go to North Carolina to send your wife something?Pick up the phone and talk to her. Please don't make empty promises that you can't keep. Please be 100 percent honest and tell her what you wnat to do. You must wipe the slate clean and there will be thing that pop up now and then and talk about them don't fight. Be prepared because the ow is not going to take this lying down. I was threatened that she would tell my wife this and that, that I was a liar,true because that's how our relationship started, from lies and deceit, Also know this that the ow is also a liar and a deceit person and she will stop at nothing to ruin your chances of being a happy family. She has an ax to grind. So you and also your wife must remain strong through this and take my advises. All the nice things she does for you is just until she has full control,when she attains this you will be in another traped situation that you won,t be able to leave. Trust me when I tell you that she can never replace your wife and children.She can never give you any of the old times that you shared with your wife, the birth of your children,the holidays that once were and these are the things that I missed. My turning point was during the holidays when my child said that he asked Santa to bring me home,when walkedthroug the stores and seen fathers holding their children and shopping and every one was happy except me. I desereted my wife,make my children sad on a holiday that should have been a happy time. I coulnd't walk through a store without tears in my eyes. No children should have to endure such pain. I can tell by the way you write that you honestly love your wife ,children and family,so you just have to jump in and return to your wife and put your trust back in her and not the ow. I will keep you in my prayers,God Bless and take care.

jion,

I would be happy to help you in any way I can. Please ask any conceptual or other questions you may have. The most important question I can ask you is .....are you ready to go home? If you are, I can help you make that a good experience where inspite of the fact that there may be some conditions, you can expect that your needs will be met and your wife will help you rebuild what seems to me a very vital and wonderful marriage. So can we get started?

Fish

I am ready however, as we both know I have to make sure that OW is completly over with. I will need all the strength I can muster, I will also need help in the future with repairing things with my wife and family. I am sure that I will be calling on you for help from time to time, I am hoping that I will be able to contact you and others from North Carolina. These trips are mostly spent out of the office working with a lot of different people. This next week is going to be brutal, well let the pieces fall were they may.

jion

jion,

Call me star....everyone else does!

I am ready "however", as we both know I have to make sure that OW is completly over with.

jion when you're ready....there really isn't a however. I understand that the connection with the OW is strong, but what will it take...describe to me.....to be OVER OW???

What is your biggest fear? That you won't be able to maintain no contact? That your wife won't take you back? What is it?

And what would reconcilliation look like to you?

I will need all the strength I can muster, I will also need help in the future with repairing things with my wife and family.

Yes, it will take strength. But you know what? You are here....and that makes me think you are up to the challenge. Dr. Harley believes that the key to recovery is getting husbands involved in the process. I can almost promise you that if you can commit to a recovery process....your wife will come on board. But you are right....the first step is NO CONTACT with the OW. Can you do that????

I am sure that I will be calling on you for help from time to time, I am hoping that I will be able to contact you and others from North Carolina.

I hope so too. I'm willing to offer you my email if it becomes a problem. Please let me know. Just keep in mind my H reads all of them if that's okay.

These trips are mostly spent out of the office working with a lot of different people. This next week is going to be brutal, well let the pieces fall were they may.

Why let the pieces fall? Why not be the captain of your own ship and steer to a safe harbor? Where is you want to go is the question. Do you want to sit on the fence? Or do you want to go home? It's a big decision, but I feel like you are ready to make and do the right thing.

Dear Jion 35,

I can identify with the concept of an overbearing wife. One challenge is how to arrive at compromises, without being, or feeling like, a doormat.

So one type of therapy asks you to remember a time when something worked for you, and refresh the early words and positioning that helped make the situation work for you. Cognitive development, I think, Sometimes I will ask, "Do we need to arrive at a decision on the issue right now?" or "Can we take some time to talk this issue through so I can feel that I had time to think of the best options?" Can you re-think situations in which your wife started to be over-bearing, but you were able to head that off?

One challenge for you is to surround your wife with your power and affection. Finding a residence separate from your wife's family may be a challenge also. Any chance of applying for a better paying job?

You seem worried as to whether your wife will accept you back or not, or on what terms. It does not seem that you have given the fatherhood thing a sufficient shot, to be able to evaluate that question at this time. It is tough to say that you have given fatherhood a shot when you have another woman. In the United States, it is particularly tough for polygamy. After you have tried to surround your wife for several months, and been good to your childrten, and worked on your feelings about her being overbearing, then you can re-evaluate.

Post some phrases for handling overbearing women. I would appreciate some ideas. Others may give you help in improving your phrases and positioning.

The other challenge is to identify the strings that tie you to the other woman, and untie each string.

Best wishes,

Quipper
Married 28 years and stil struggling.

jion,

It would help alot if you could describe what you feel when you say "overbearing". Also, what makes you think your wife won't take you back?

Dear Jion35

I have been reading your correspondence for a while now. I have some soundful advise for you my friend. First, I speak only from experience. Your story seems like I'm looking in a reality mirror. I too had an OW whom I did't love, it was infatuation. She made me forget all the "problems" I thought I had in my marriage. She was just my crutch. She made me forget, or at least I thought I could forget, all the so called problems I musterd in my mind about my wife, children and life. How could you start over with your wife and children? GET RID OF THE OW NOW! This should be a simple task-You don't love her. You stated in your previous correspondence that you love your wife and want to start over. You want to rebuild your life. Well, your wife seems to still love you through all of the heartache that she has endured and your children. Wake up, call her, e-mail her, send a letter, send flowers, send what ever you think will get her attention. It's not hard to do if what your writting is the entire truth. Its so easy but so hard. Are you afraid your wife moved on? It doen't sound like that to me. I didn't have a second chance. I lost everyting and everyone I loved. My children who are of understanding age hate me. That seems to be the worst pain that I have to endure. My wife has a new husband, a new child and I have nothing. I still ask myself today what if I just called? Went over the house? Took her to dinner? Fought for my marriage no matter who or what was around. On the other hand Join35 You have this chance. For how long I don't know. Call your wife, Don't wait any longer or you may not have her to go to. This would be propbably to worsed mistake you could ever make. This OW is not part of this picture. Get rid of her now. you don't have to say anything, just go. If this is truly what you want, it should bve easy. Your wife sounds like a great person. Listen, anywoman who has waited this long for her husband to return after having an affair, is worth her weight in gold!! Please Jion35 Do not make the same mistake I did. I'm paying everyday of my life for it, and it doen't feel very good. you can rebuild your marriage anyone can and with a spouse like yours it should be easy.

Sincerely,

TOO LATE FOR ME

Dear Jion35,

The overbearing issue is not clear to me. KEEPING UP APPEARANCES, PBS TV show has an overbearing wife. The soap opera is partly how her husband copes.

Perhaps we can try to look at the overbearing issue from several angles. Do you feel that your wife is often overbearing, sometimes, or occasionally?

Is there a reason for her to be overbearing? My wife is influenced by others to a greater extent than I feel is average. My wife takes up issues that are not really her issues, but issues she has picked up on from somewhere, or usually somebody, and then trys to impose the imported ideas on me and other family members.

Upon what issues is your wife overbearing? What is the reasoning behind the issues? Is your wife influenced by others, to a greater than average extent? Can you trace any ideas that she has been overbearing about, to instigation by other people? How can you deal with the ideas from other people?

What about your personal power in the marriage situation? I have been accused of being a person that is not overly compliant, and in fact, sometimes difficult to get along with. I have struggled to command respect, as I am sort of a dreamer, rather than paying attention to keeping others respect from getting a little low.

What is the amount of time energy and money you now have to offer, above the child support payments? Your base for power in the marriage might be considered to be what you can give in addition to the child support payments.

Do you feel that if you were able to provide a family home, separate from your in-laws home, that your wife might be less overbearing? Do you feel that she is impolite or disrespectful at times? What are your range of respones when your wife is impolite or disrespectful? Any approaches your wife uses that you would just as soon she drop, quit or forget?

Have you ever sat down and discusssed your feelings of your wife being over-bearing as a problem for both of you to work on? Saying that you are feeling that you are failing to command her respect, as a definition of the problem, puts the ownership of the problem with you, which is the most non-confrontational approach. Or, how about, "I feel that I am ineffective in presenting my ideas to you."

You raised the question a few posts back, as to when is the best time to discuss what you would like to change in the marriage. I usually try to keep my wish list freshly reviewed, so that if the opportunity to politely bring up one of my wishes arises, then I bring it up. Mostly I make lists, and sit and wait for an opportunity.

Best wishes,

Quipper
Married 28 years and still struggling.

<small>[ August 01, 2003, 04:42 PM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>

Jion35...how are thing's going? I've been checking up every now an agian, but I haven't see you online. Nothing has changede in my situation, but I'm always hopeful. I don't know if you read my posted prayer; it is pretty good and something I say nightley. Hope things are progresiving well.

Resigned
dh

Jion,
How r things going? Did u make it home son? I hope all is well! Looking forward to hearing from you!
Mike

Jion,
How are you? You haven't posted in a good while? Are you still on MB? We would all like to hear what has been going on in your life? Please post soon. If you would like my private e-mail address please write in!
MM

i think that the way you write about yor wife and family you have truly lost so very much.all women want to be wooed, send her flowers.......send them to your daughter and moth-in- law too. keep trying there are many thing you say that sound like fighting for......crawl, beg, love her......i'm sure she still loves you.

Hi Jion,
I noticed that you posted to Karena. How are you?
I've been wanting to know how things are with you? I kept up with you thread but hadn't heard from you in a while. Did you make it back home?

STBXWife,

Failed is the word in a nut shell, I am still sitting on the fence. I think that my lack of action has totaly ended the whole marriage. I have been going with the old, you made your bed now you have to sleep in it. Not happy would be a good way to describe how I am feeling right now. My wife has had enough and I don't blame her if it was me in her shoes I would have hung it up a long time ago. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

jion.

Your wife loves you and wants to work this out. I know this....because I talk to her everyday. That process can begin as soon as you show enough faith in your marriage to end the affair. Without that, even though she still loves you very deeply, she will remain in Plan B and eventually your marriage will slip away....not because she wants it to...but because that is the natural way this happens. You underestimate her love for you if you believe that it's too late. It's really important for you to realize that you aren't sparing her feelings by giving up.

Imagine for a second, if the tables were turned....and it was you who had spent the last year of your life trying to separate her from a lover. If she then decided that well, she was just going to cut you loose....would that make you feel better?

You are right, your life began to spiral downward when you gave up your family. There are two beautiful children, a wife, and a whole network of extended family members who have spent a year praying that you will just wake up and come home. That won't solve the problems that existed in your marriage before this all began....but taking that first hard step....will begin the process of rebuilding your life, your marriage and your spirit.

I have no doubt that your vivacious wife will survive if you don't go home. One day...when she gets over this heartache, she will actually meet someone and build a new life if you stay on this fence. But she certainly isn't ready to do that now. Yes, she is tired of hurting. Yes she knows she hasn't handled this the way she should. And yes, she knows that if you come home she has some hard work to do on herself to make you feel like an equal partner. She has been ready to work through your concerns. It is you who has not been ready to end the affair...so what can she do in that environment?

I know what is in her heart. I know the bond that existed between the two of you. If you feel alienated....it is because you have chosen to continue to live this way....not because there isn't forgiveness in the hearts of your family. You seem to expect forgiveness and change from your wife....before the affair ends....and that can't happen.

Again, your wife has no intention of filing for divorce. If you want a divorce, you will have to end the marriage. If you want to reconnect in any way with your wife...you will have to end the affair.

It's a scary step for you. But why is any scarier than leaving your family in the first place? If you would take that risk....why not take this one?

Jion, As you can read I am new at this although I have been reading this site for a year I never written before today. I mistakenly wrote on Karena site. I can't believe what I am reading here. Starfish knows your wife and she still willing to work with you on this and your turning your back on her your best friend, the person who helped your most in life. What is wrong with you, if you can't trust her then who can you trust. Did she ever fail you before? Believe me affairs don't last they just tie you up emotionally and destroy your life. Please if your wife wants you back man go go go before it's to late. Iwas unaware that there are children involved. Please don't give up on them either the regrets you have will last a life time. They need their dad not a stand in. My wife took me back and thats the best thing that happened in my life. You can go back to Karena's post and see what I wrote like I said I am not good at this it is my first time. Put your pride aside put it in your pocket where it belongs she is your lover and your best friend. Put the other woman aside,put her out to pasture where she belongs. It's not real. She weill do and say anything to get you to stay she will be your best firend and your lover after all she getting the icing after your wife made you what your are today. You have no past with the other woman, and you will see she will never fill your wife's shoes no matter how hard she tries because she didn't sacrafice anything for you. You wife put her life on the line when she gave you children, what greater love than that. You have a family willing to forgive you and your sitting on a fence, more fool be you. Jump in with two feet man and never look back. God Bless and God Speed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey!
Long time no hear! I just recently stopped looking for u! I assumed that you went home and all was well! I guess that didn't happen! So what is stopping you from going home this time? Is it your "wonderful ow". I've told you this before that you have a chance only to walk in my shoes for a few steps so jump out of my shoes and go home where you belong! I still wonder and beat myself up over what could of been if I would have just went home like she asked me to several times. My daughter still keeps intouch but still spends fathers day and the holidays with her mother and step father. I've heard her introduce her step father as her father and that just tore my heart apart. Please take my advice and go home if you still can. By the way does your W have anyone else? Is another man smiling at your daughters accomplishments and being so proud of something that was once yours? Is your son throwing a ball into someone elses's glove? I hope for your sake that no one has walked into their lives and is showing them what a great father that he could be to them! My daughter was my heart and soul and someone came along and took my place because I allowed him to do so. When I finally realized what I loved and missed for so long it was too late! Post back and let me know how things are going in your life! My life is still dark and empty!! Go home!!!!
Mike

Jion, I was talking to my wife last night and I was telling her that I wrote to you to try and help out. I told her what you said about making your bed and sleeping in it. Well I just want to share this from my wife, how about To love and to honor, in sickness and health, for richer or poorer to death do us part , Oh for better or worse. It seems your wife took her vows seriously and you didn't. If your scared now, then see how scary it is when she is gone forever. Do you wonder what's she's doing, who she is seeing, what your children are doing. Don't you miss kissing your children good night and knowing they are safe because you are there. I guess I'am telling you from my wife's point of view because she is a mother and feels very sad for your children. My only salvation when I was gone was knowing a wife was a good mother but that did not take away the pain of separation from my dhildren. I wake up every day and thank God for giving me this chance because if anything happened to my wife and children and I didn't have a chance to give them that one last kiss and tell them how muc h I love them I would never ever be able to live with myself again. If this OW is a mother she would know that. If she has a mothers heart she would know the pain your ch

Jion, I was talking to my wife last night and I was telling her that I wrote to you to try and help out. I told her what you said about making your bed and sleeping in it. Well I just want to share this from my wife, how about To love and to honor, in sickness and health, for richer or poorer to death do us part , Oh for better or worse. It seems your wife took her vows seriously and you didn't. If your scared now, then see how scary it is when she is gone forever. Do you wonder what's she's doing, who she is seeing, what your children are doing. Don't you miss kissing your children good night and knowing they are safe because you are there. I guess I'am telling you from my wife's point of view because she is a mother and feels very sad for your children. My only salvation when I was gone was knowing a wife was a good mother but that did not take away the pain of separation from my dhildren. I wake up every day and thank God for giving me this chance because if anything happened to my wife and children and I didn't have a chance to give them that one last kiss and tell them how muc h I love them I would never ever be able to live with myself again. If this OW is a mother she would know that. If she has a mothers heart she would know the pain your children are in. I sorry for being so long winded but my wife wanted me to stress to you the importane of being a father all the time not part time. I don't know is you have boys or girls but both need you. If this happened to your daughter, it will tear your heart out for someone to break her heart and here you are doing it to her. You should pray your son gets a wife like his mother, a girl who will never give up on him when the going gets rough, who is wiling to forgive him no matter what he has done, and also encourage him to better his life, there is a dream out there with your name on it just go for it and I'am sure your wife will be in it. Good Luck and God Bless!