Hello, this is my first message on this site. I have been married for 7 years and have a 1 year old and 4 year old daughter. It has been almost two months since I found out that my wife was having an affair with one of my friends. They worked togather and I was gone from home for about 8 weeks for training for work. I was gone two weeks then home two weeks for a total of eight weeks away. I had suspicions for a while then my wife finally confessed. Ever since then she has been in a different world. I left for 12 days when I first found out. She said she was confused and needed time to think. She also told me she had feelings for him. I was devastated. I could not believe she would do this or that my friend would do this to me. About two weeks after I found out she sat down with me and said it was over. She said she loved me but was not in love with me. Just said the feelings were gone. She said that if she had to make the decision that day she was getting a divorce. I asked her to go to counseling she hesistated but then agreed. After our first session she said she was tired of trying she had tried for along time during our marriage and she was tired of trying. But she also said that she was going to give it one more try for the kids but not for me. We countinued going to counseling and she continued to have contact with him. We have been living togather for the last month and a half. I have just been here for her and have let her know I have made mistakes in the past and am willing to work on those. However she contnues to have contact with him by phone and meeting on a couple occasions. She says it is a addiction she can't stop. She is willing to throw everything in her life away for him. My wifes family is very supportive of me. She just does not seem to come out of the fog. She is affectionate towards me. We go out to dinner, bowling with the family, etc. She hugs me every morning and night. She says she loves me. However she will never tell me that she will stop talking to him or that she wants to work on our marriage.

She does well for a couple weeks then I find out see has been lying about talking to him. I just ask her to be honest but she can't. She says she lies to avoid conflict. When I find out and question her she becomes defensive and says she can't take it that I don't trust her and she is going to divorce.

Last night she told me agian she had made up her mind she wanted a divorce. I talked to her for quite a while and she started coming back into the world again and said she is not sure that is what she wants.

She sometimes say that everybody knows about the affair and she can't deal with it. She says her family is mad at her and so is everybody else. I think sometimes she just feels it is easier to run away.

I am confused on whether to continue with Plan A even if she refuses to stop contact with him. I am getting pressure from friends and family to divorce and stop letting her walk all over me. I want this to work out. She has threatened divorce several time but never follows through. I know she has seen a attorney. She has told me several times if I would just leave her alone she would probably figure this out and do the right thing.

The friend she is having affair with was recently divorced. My wife tried to get himand his wife back togather and when that failed he threathened to kill himself and found support in my wife and I believe this is how it all started. This is the second marriage he has wrecked. He did the same thing to another one of his friends. Also had an affair on his ex-wife. My wife use to hate him know they are in love. Please help.

Drake I'm sorry you find yourself in one of life's most gut wrenching experiences ever imaginable but you are not alone for we have been where you are right now and will give you the support you need to survive this ordeal.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"She sometimes say that everybody knows about the affair and she can't deal with it. She says her family is mad at her and so is everybody else. I think sometimes she just feels it is easier to run away."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Excellent, her A(affair) has been exposed, in accordance with Plan A, to her family and friends so now she finds herself feeling the natural consequences of her A. This exposure represents a toxic dose of reality into the fantasy of her A, and it will continue to kill the A as time goes by. For instance, if her goal was to eventually introduce the OM to those closest to her in order to help him gain acceptance with them as the new man in her life, that goal has been shot to smithereens. And there is a good chance that her depression will get worse and turn the OM off making him want to drop her like a hot potato eventually.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"She has threatened divorce several time but never follows through. I know she has seen a attorney. She has told me several times if I would just leave her alone she would probably figure this out and do the right thing."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">DO NOT MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOME, DO NOT MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOME, DO NOT MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOME. Have I made myself perfectly clear? I hope so because once you move out, and she files for divorce, the court may consider your moving out as abandonment and you will loose custody of your kids (if your goal is to have custody of them later on). IF she wants to be left alone, then SHE should be the one to move out of the home.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"I am confused on whether to continue with Plan A even if she refuses to stop contact with him. I am getting pressure from friends and family to divorce and stop letting her walk all over me. I want this to work out."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you 'want this to work out' then the first thing you need to do is to stop having contact (for a period of time) with those friends and family that are putting pressure on you to divorce your W. They mean well but they do not know that their advice can have far reaching negative consequences not only to you and your W but to your two children as well.

While the recommended time frame for Plan A is 3 months for women and 6 months for men before going to Plan B, you should be constantly monitoring how close your love bank for your W is from closing. You do not want to stick to 6 months of Plan A if, after 2 months, you are at the point where you love for your W is extremely low and divorce is becoming an attractive option to you. If you are now at that point then you need to go to Plan B ASAP. But before you go to Plan B, I suggest that you contact an attorney to find out what your options are so you can implement no contact with your W. If you live in an apartment, then giving your landlord your 30 day vacate notice MAY be the best way to go BUT if you own a home, then you MAY have to put your house up for sale and divide whatever equity is left after the sale between you and your W. Of course all of these are all dependent on your W not wanting to move out of the home.

Keep us updated.

Thanks for your support. A little encouraging news. My wife and I talked this morning for a while. She thanked me for being here for her and understanding what is impossible for most to understand. She said that we both made mistakes that created a bad enviroment in our marriage. I told her I wanted a chance to do the things I never did. She responded by saying she wants to make me happy too. She cried and said she never intented for this to happen. Just an example of the few times I get to see my real wife. The fog lifts every once in a while. I know we still have a long way to go and the roller coaster ride is far from over. Thanks again. I thank God I came upon this site soon after I found out.

That's encouraging news drake, and it may be a sign that the A(affair) MAY be ending (reality the fantasy killer) BUT don't let your emotional guard down just yet until:

1.She expresses to you that she wants to end all contact with the OM forever by writting a no contact letter to him, which you will witness her writting it and sending it.

2.And willingness on her part in following a marital recovery plan which includes counseling with a pro-marriage oriented professional like Steve Harley (from Marriage Builders Counseling Center or Penny Tupy(Cerri, our resident MB coach and founder of Save Your Marriage Central ) and strict observance of The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage .

You'd be wise to consider those two points as deal breaker conditions that have to be agreed to and implemented by BOTH of you before you can consider that your marriage is on the path to recovery. Failure to do so will most likely set you up for a false recovery which in turn will put you on the path to divorce.

Good luck and keep us updated.

I guess I am still a little confused on how to handle the fact that she has not came to me and said she is going to stop talking to him. Should I just set back and wait til she decides, or should I continue to ask her to stop. I tried keeping track of her and asking everyday but she just lies. I know she is lying and after about a week I confront her and only then is she honest. I asked her why she just can't be honest? She says she does not want to cause conflict. If I check up on here and investigate what she is doing she gets mad threatens that she has had it. Says I don't trust her its never going to work. She shows signs of fog lifting but no signs of ending contact yet. I don't think the fog can lift until she stops all contact. Am I being to nice to her... I just confused. I have been reading Surviving an affair it says to be patient. Other readings say it a addiction like cocaine and you must step in and help her stop making contact.. What to do.

Even though you may not yet be ready for Plan B, it would be wise for you to start preparing for it because in a situation where the addiction to the OM is very strong, you will have to eventually or you'll end up divorced. So start getting all your ducks lined in a row for the day when you will have to go to Plan B.

<small>[ July 30, 2003, 07:19 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Well my wife and I are leaving today on a four day trip togather. Heading to the in-laws condo to relax on the lake. It seems odd we are going on a trip when two days ago she said she wanted a divorce. Well I will take advantage of some quality time with her alone. Try to convince her to take the steps to end contact and to be honest with me about him. I hope she decides to stand up and end contact and give this a chance. She doesnt know it but her time is running out before plan B starts. I set a limit of 3 months for plan A. We are sitting at 2 months now. I could have never imagined the pain that an A could cause. It is affecting me, her and both of our families. I am lucky to have support from my family and her family and all of our friends. She has nobody telling her what she is doing is okay, but at the same time nobody is being disrepectful to her. She has a lot to lose hope she comes around.