OK,

TO recap, my wife is having an affair with OM, who's married but is leaving his wife for my wife. My wife is still at home until we sell our house.

My wife and OM had arranged to go out this evening, but I got the urge this morning to arrange to meet with OM's BS. I have now done this and we are going to meet up this evening - not for any retribution affair, but to talk.

Have told wifey and she isn't happy.

Have I done the right thing or is this a mistake?

Hi, so sorry to read your situation.
Do you have any hopes to reconcile and rebuild your marriage? Is that why you found MB?

You sound as if you do have hopes to win your wife back, or at least not alienate her.

I'm asking because I'm not sure what your goals are. And they determine what your actions should be, your strategy so to speak.

Why did you tell your wife you were meeting with OM's wife?
1. I can't keep a secret
2. I need to be totally honest about everything I do
3. I wanted to frost her
4. I hoped she would understand how it felt to have the shoe on the other foot
5. I think the OM's wife is a babe
6. I hoped she would cancel their date
7. Other

Please write back.

I guess I want to bring the affair out in to the open and take the "fairy tale" shine off it to see how serious they are about eachother.

If they can stay together through the pressures of full exposure of the affair (all our friends and family now know of it), then I guess I will have to give up and get on with my life. But if their relationship is weak enough to buckle under the pressure of them having to deal with events that they are not comfortable with, then maybe there is hope for my family to stay together (we have a 5 year old daughter).

We have been getting on well together since I managed to get control of my emotions (I was devastated, naturally enough as I thought we had a good marriage), so I know I'm taking a risk by doing this.....

So I suppose this is a "7. Other" as I'm looking to test their relationship when it isn't a case of all happiness.

Hi adam,

I got a similar reaction from my wife when she found out that I had been in contact with OM wife about my wifes affair.

My reason was quite simple as my wife wasn't willing to talk with me about what was going on in the affair and I was looking for some awnsers and was wanting my wife to know that she and her affair partner were no longer going to control the lines of communiction.

I don't know if her reaction was out of fear that I would find out details of the affair that my wife wanted to ignore or protect me from or that I may gain some insite into the affiar from the other mans wife.

I talked to the OM wife (who was our friend as was OM) a couple of times and began to know things about his future thoughts regarding the affair well before my wife. I anticipated mywife being dumped weeks before it happend.

I think it's ok to talk with the OM wife as you may also find out a differant version of your wifes expected future. But don't make it a habit as your wife needs to know that she can trust you and that your relationship with her will not be shared with the OM wife. This was a concern my wife voiced to me.

Get the info you need, respect your wife and now that the affair is in the open give it time for the preasure to build.

hang tough

Goodguy,

Thanks for that - it's sound advice.

I was having trouble puting my finger on the exact reasons for doing it, but you've pointed out another one - getting a view from the other camp.

I hadn't got as far as thinking about keeping my wife secure, but that's a good idea, as I think this has phased her.

I hope I may be able to offer some support to the other BS, as they had been married for 30 years, so I think it's hit her really hard.

I did contact OM wife. My WS had told me that the OM was separated from his W for 15 months and had made repeated attempts to get back with his W. I asked why, she told me he had 'drinking' problems and 'some other problems'. She wouldn't get more specific. When I contacted OM wife, I wanted to know if she knew of the affair. She didn't but suspected. She didn't want him back. She was said he was a good man but was mean when he was drunk. With her that was almost everynight.

The one of the BIGGEST reasons why I called but ONLY one I told OM's wife, was that since my WS was in thick with OM, I needed to know if he could be a danger to my daughter, since OM and my WS may live together or get married. I found out from BS that OM was abusive as well as mean when drunk.

Sooo if you have kids, you can call other BS spouse checking into the character of the OP because you are concerned about the welfare of your children. In my case this is a very real threat and I am going to try to get custody. My D is 15 and will be in their home alone with an acoholic for long periods at time without my WS there. She works late, He gets off very early.

Good Luck and God Bless

I'm going to chime in here.

The worst fear my W had was me speaking with the OP's W.

I have spoken to her several times, I have learned when they call each other, what is said and other issues I might not have know. It definetley set my W back when I could tell her how they communicated, how long they were on the phone and what was said (in some instances, OP called the W while out with friends, who happended to still be friends with his W and they would tell her the content of his conversation with the W, as well as what he was telling the friends as far as his intentions were)

The biggest fear a BS has is that their lies are being seen for exactly what they are LIES,

Definetley contact her, she is your ally in this, I found more help through the OP's wife than almost anything else I have done.

The OP is a fool, when he realizes the woman he is letting go for his fantasy with my W it will send him off the deep end.

She knows about my W and is divorcing the OP over the issue, but still has the class to wish me luck in working my marriage out while she is dealing with her own problems,, truly a class act.

AdamH,
Contact her but ... watch out for EA !. I have contact w/ OMW but it is only for exchanging notes and information & not to tell her what to do.
-rh-

<small>[ July 30, 2003, 04:27 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by redhat:

Contact her but ... watch out for EA !. I have contact w/ OMW but it is only for exchanging notes and information & not to tell her what to do.
-rh-</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Adam, redhat makes an excellent point in not putting yourself in the same situation that your WW did when she started talking with the OM. Don't scoff because when two BS's have shared their feelings of pain and betrayal, they can easily find themselves on the slippery slope to an A. So make sure that your contact with OM's W is strictly informational.

Well,

It certainly didn't go the way I'd expected......other BS lied and told OM that she was going out with friends, but I'd told wifey that I was seeing her to talk, because we were in the same boat and she would be the only one to understand what I was going through. But wifet told OM and he went ballistic - started to march around his yard with a shotgun!

So we called off last night and wifey told him she was p!ssed off with the way he behaved. So me and wifey went out for a drink instead and had a nice evening..........

But to spin it all on its head, she's now gone out with him for this evening?!?!? Work that one out.

I can see why people mention fog and roller coasters.......Jeez. I never thought my emotions would ever be ripped around like this........

Adam, it's going to be a long hard ride.

redhat brought up a very good point about the EA with the OMW, when I spoke with her several times I started getting the I feel like I've known you all my life routine, we've been through the same issues and are thinking the same. I backed off, I get the info I need and have to go wash the car, take a pee, cut the grass or whatever. Dont need to get myself into something I dont want.

Good luck to ya, my sitch is about to be wrapped one way or the other,,, but I do think it's not good, she is really pissed about the people I've been talking to and that I have the phone records and can call her on all the BS she has been spinning.

Kinda feels good to be the one that knows all and sees all for a change.

Rookie - and all the others - thanks for the replies.

Must confess, this BB is a life-saver and I wish I was in a position to put something back in to it. But I'm really only in the position of having a handle on my emotions - they're the same ones that were ripping me apart a couple of weeks ago, but out of necesity I've learnt to cope with them.

I am going to see the OMW on Saturday, because I want to talk out my feelings and see if she's going through the same, so that at least we can have some support throughout this nightmare fairytale bubble that wifey and OM have created for themselves.

But I won't see her more than a couple of times and I certainly don't want to start anything with her. But moral support and the other side of the story would be good for both of us, I think.....

Advice is always very welcome.............