My H had a 3 year A which produced a child. I did not know anything about it until the child was one years old.

Fast forward several years since discovery. I have counseled with three therapists, including STeve Harley. H refused to stop contact with child, something I did not agree with, and refused even temporarily to give up contact while we worked with Steve to heal our relationship.But he said he didn't want to leave home. He also maintained some sort of contact with OW, if not sexual-although I am not sure.

Steve recommended I file for legal separation, and I did several months ago. My H and I am now in the throws of court hearings. WE are both at this juncture representing ourselves.

What upsets me the most of this process is first, H's refusal to try another way to heal. He blames me for filing for legal separation and making our relationship "adversarial". And, he is upset with me trying to get the maximum child support for our three kids. By the way, H pays child support for OC that is just about the same amount as I get for our children. Today I made mention to him at court that he didnt' get angry at OW for her filing for CS for child, and was still sexual with her while she filed for child support, but with me, he is angry, views me as evil, vicious, trying to make him live in gutter and sap all his money.

I feel he is displacing his anger at self for ruining our very long term marriage and putting himself in economic straights. But it doesn't help to tell him that, and he is constantly furious at me.

At this juncture, I just see plan B making him angrier and angrier at me, and definately more determined to continue divorce process. He just got a new place to rent more suitable for our children to visit. And he makes no attempts to suggest reconciliation or has he accepted my offer to try to reconcile with conditions-ie. no contact with OW and OC at least for now. (OW forever, OC temporarily.)

Has this happened to the rest of you who have done plan B? and what do you think of all this? Am I doing something wrong? Will this ever get better?

thanks.

Unhappy Wife...a wise woman, who is not even familiar with Marriage Builders told me this....if you are separated, you are separated. He can do what he likes, but you also do what you like. Before I even got a change to explain what a Plan B was, she says to me, "Silence is Golden. Do not say a word." Even if you are in the midst of court battles, you shouldn't even be speaking with him, about anything, that is what an attorney is for, but in your case, you do not need to discuss anything.

If he comes at you, say nothing. Do not argue, fuss or fight. Nothing. Believe me, when you stop talking, stop completely. It may hurt. I hurt every single day, but I no longer worry anymore because I'm getting better. I know in the longrun, he will lose.

On a side note however, the OC is innocent, and unfortunately, as BS we have a hard time recognizing that fact. My suggestion is stop focussing on OC as if he or she is OW,...they did not ask to be born. Your H has a responsibility. I find that, in spite of his A with OW, he is taking responsibility for his children.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by unhappy wife:
<strong>Has this happened to the rest of you who have done plan B? and what do you think of all this? Am I doing something wrong? Will this ever get better?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My ExW NC'ed me and I turned it into plan B under SH's advice. Stay away from him and do the strickest plan B ... absolute NC. I don't even want to her anything about her. The voice comes from her are full of lies, anger and hate. I have an option of runaway from her and not interested to entertain her, she has her OM to listen to her craps. You didn't do anything wrong. This is normal. WS will try to put blame on you even something that you have no involvement at all.

Would it get better ?, unless WH is getting out from fog it won't. However you have a choice to put "earplug" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ... and don't take it personnaly and don't engaged it. With time, you get stronger and stronger 'till whatever WS do is irrelevant since you will be rady to move on.

-rh-

redhat,

yes, I have to learn to have a deaf ear. Very hard to do when sitting next to him in court and he starts complaining how I am taking him to cleaners-hardly, since OC and OW get more for her child than I get for my two kids. Hardly fair.

I intend to decrease talking to him, but we have to talk some about child related things. We usually email about this, although I keep telling him to discuss plans with kids, not me. He doesn't seem to do it. We have no family in area to be go between- perhaps a friend can serve that function.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by unhappy wife:
<strong>We have no family in area to be go between- perhaps a friend can serve that function.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeap, a freind or a pastor would do. I use court appointed conselor to go between when we have dispute. I tried to use email ... she abused it and I put her email addy on automatic deletions a month ago.

I have almost every detail spells out about custody so there is no miss intepretations. When, where, and how. I don't need to speak to her at all and not to see her at all ... and my 2 D has cell phone each.

I told her if she tries to left any messages (VM or email; usually nasty ones) I will have no choice but to put RO on her. I refuse to be her punching bag !.

I the court system she used to do the same but I do not even get mad or engaged it. I treat her like non exsistant, I only need to talk to my lawyer & the judge when I am asked for. She stops after several hearing ... people do what give them payoff. WS is misreable and they want to see you miserable too !.

-rh-

Redhat,
thanks for pointing something out-perhaps H is angry at me due to his own misery at his own grevious behavior. I know his family is devastated learning of A and OC, even though they love him, and his parents and siblings are supporting me.

I ,too, think he must be miserable with his current life-but instead of telling me that and trying to seek some reconciliation with me, he is determined to prove to self his choices are correct and right for him.

I need to remember that.I may be happier, without his abuse, but he is not.
thanks.