It's been a while since my last post. Here's some quick background info:

Hubby has had 1 EA and 2 PA's over the course of our 19 years of marriage. I only recently found out about the PA's about 6 months ago - one with a family "friend" and one with a co-worker. Hubby got a promotion and we moved out of state, but still had phone and email contact with OW. Hubby's bosses found out about his relationship and threatened to fire him if he did not discontinue all contact. (THANK YOU VERY MUCH!) He responded in a hostile way, saying his performance wasn't effected and he didn't do anything against the rules of work since OW wasn't his direct report...WHATEVER! We are/were a strong Christian family that has always been very active in church. Both of us come from Christian homes as well.

So here we are now in limbo. I am not sure if hubby is avoiding all contact since I can't monitor him when he's not home. Hubby became more comunicative and resonsive to me after his encounter with his bosses. I guess I'm the only one left for him to talk to. But I still feel like things are unresolved.

Hubby hasn't acted very repentant in my opinion and when we talk he refuses to say if he's committed to working this out or to our marriage. He refuses to talk to anyone or go to counseling. He says I can't change my personality. His latest analogy was this. "You can't make a duck into an elephant. You can tell the duck all about an elephant, how great it is, what it acts like, etc. But a duck will never be an elephant no matter how hard it tries." I translate that as I can never change to be what he wants me to be.

I have made some attempts at changing some of things I feel I was neglectful with, but he is suspicious and wonders how long things will stay that way. He doesn't think he should have to "tell" me what he expects or wants. As his loving wife I should just know.

I feel he wants some fantasy marriage that doesn't exist. He thinks is does and he's being cheated out of it somehow. We're civil and pleasant, but I feel as if we're peacefully coexisting right now.

Is it time to "push the envelope"? Do I insist on counseling and 100% commitment or ask him to leave? We have two kids - 12 yr old DD and 6 yr old DS. Can't imagine having to tell them mom and dad are't going to live together. I guess that's why I keep hanging around, hoping and praying we can work this out.

Thanks for the input.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by StillShocked:
<strong>So here we are now in limbo. I am not sure if hubby is avoiding all contact since I can't monitor him when he's not home. Hubby became more comunicative and resonsive to me after his encounter with his bosses. I guess I'm the only one left for him to talk to. But I still feel like things are unresolved.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>
When you are in doubt you should stick it for a while unless you have a hard proff.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I have made some attempts at changing some of things I feel I was neglectful with, but he is suspicious and wonders how long things will stay that way. He doesn't think he should have to "tell" me what he expects or wants. As his loving wife I should just know.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is one of the myth of love. No one could read other's mind.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I feel he wants some fantasy marriage that doesn't exist. He thinks is does and he's being cheated out of it somehow. We're civil and pleasant, but I feel as if we're peacefully coexisting right now. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is another myth of love, that love would alone would make M fullfilled.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Is it time to "push the envelope"? Do I insist on counseling and 100% commitment or ask him to leave? We have two kids - 12 yr old DD and 6 yr old DS. Can't imagine having to tell them mom and dad are't going to live together. I guess that's why I keep hanging around, hoping and praying we can work this out.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would call MB conselor or cerri to get conseling. Staying put is not an option. He have to over come the misbeleive that he has, you can't help it. I would print out ENQ & LBQ, fill one as if he fill it for you. Guess the best you can. You don't need 100% correct, only need to gather the top 5 ENs and order of top ENs is not important. Validate one by one by doing it to him and observe his reactions. If you hit it right, keep doing it and be creative to fill it. With LBQ, you have to avoid that at all cost.

One more I suggest you to read "The language of love" by Smalley. It is a good book about communication, using word pictures.

-rh-

RH,

Thanks for the input. I have not read Gary Smalley's book, but I have read "The 5 Love Languages". From reading it I realize we have different love languages and have tried to compensate. Hubby thinks all that stuff is a crock.

I am planning to be back in my hometown next week and am going to make contact with our former pastor who knows the situation and a professional counselor/friend I know. I'm hoping input from these two will help me decide what is best. I don't want to give up, but I don't want to enable him either. I would never have thought I'd have been here...I guess no one does.