In the beginning I thought it was the respectful and honorable thing to do in not telling my parents, family & friends about my wife's A.
Well after knowing what I know now about the Harley's methods, that is pretty much what I should not have done.

Last week I told my parents that my W and I were having problems and that she would be moving out (Plan B) in the next week. My wife was 'ok' with that because they didnt know any of the details. Last night I was talking with my parents and it was revealed that our problems were rooted in her having an A with an OM.

Needless to say she was not happy. Last night was the most angry I have ever seen her. She threatened everything in the book, told me how this was the biggest mistake I could ever make, how could I betray her, our marriage was a mistake, she wants a divorce etc. etc. etc. She tried to tell me that she was in a good mood earlier and wanted to work on the M, but now she just doesnt know (FYI, she is still in contact w/ OM, thus why I am moving into plan B)

So this is a partial vent and partial question. Are any of you surprised by her reaction or is this totally typical? I feel bad that she is so upset but I did nothing wrong in telling them, if anything my parents respected our situation more now and have cast 0 judgment on her and her actions. They have been very cool. She doesnt seem to care, she says her self esteem is ruined, that even if the M does work she can never see them again, etc. etc. etc.

I feel solid in my decision and he words are not hurting me, but it was a litte shocked at how strong they were. I know she is pushing me to back down and cause she is scared.

Any thoughts?

I didn't get that reaction, but I didn't tell anyone for a week or two. When I did, she was a bit shaken.

But at every stage I've tried to reassure her, saying things like "I told them I think it was a brave decision and it hurts like hell, but I admire you for having the strength to do it" as well as "even if we don't work out, I won't stand to have a word said against you".

This is not only because I think it will make her think better of me, but also because I mean it. You'll have to mean it for her to believe it.

Even if we don't work out, I want her to know I still think the world of her, admire her and will protect her.

While I am no expert, I can offer my own experience. I told my parents everything from the beginning when my husband revealed a current and past affair. My parents were shocked, but very supportive. They knew there were problems, but didn't realize the extent...actually neither did I. My husband knew I was telling them and while he didn't like it, he didn't say too much about it.

I have also revealed our situation to some close friends and other family members - mostly looking for support and advice. Some he knows about, some he does not. He once got really mad when he was snooping in my email and read a response from one of my close friends. That's the maddest I've ever seen him! I was not surprised at his reaction. He feels guilty and was mad when someone nailed him with their comments. He says they just know my side of the story. Well, feel free to share your side, I say!

My thinking on others knowing is this. Does the WS really think no one is going to know what's going on if you divorce or separate? Does he really think others don't know even now? I think anger is normal and it's the WS's way of making the BS feel guilty. If they didn't want anyone to know they shouldn't have had an affair in the first place! Now I don't plan on announcing it to the world about my maritial problems, but I'm not going to lie either.

Hany in there. I think you'll find this site very helpful. I certainly have.

-SS

Hi Fromabove,

My WW had a lot of the same reactions. She felt my family and our friends knowing would make it hard for reconciliation. But they are my family and our friends that I needed their understanding and support of. I didn't feel obligated to have to conceal her A. The truth shall set you free as they say and shedding the light on things will help remove the secracy of it all. I even told the OMW's W which my WW of course didn't want me to do.

It sounds like your W is trying to use your honesty about the A to people against you to make you feel bad and even threatening D with it. This is the fog talking and is typical. She wants to keep her fantasy fun secret life going and you telling people makes it not so fun.

Just think if you were in their situation. I know I would feel bad having people know, feeling I let them down and might not be able to face them for a while. But this can also be used to your advantage if you work things out and show people that your love is stronger then an A and your marriage can be stronger then it was before the A. Best of luck!

Thank you all for your words & support.

Eduard, you hit it directly on the head w/ your statment and that was the reassurance I needed to hear. Not because I want to boost my own agenda or ego, but because it is the TRUTH. I am sick of lies, deception, misleading etc. Its almost strange how when the truth has been burried for so long, it is painful to uncover it!

I talked to W this morning, she wasn't much better. Claims that she never wants to see my parents again, doesnt understand how I can hurt her so bad etc. etc. I truly do feel bad, I never want to cause her pain. But this is pain she brought on herself, its not my fault. She consitantly says that these were 'personal issues' that others didnt need to know about. I am starting to realize that a marriage with such secrecy only helps foster and grow an A and isn't necessarily a M that I want to be in.

Things aren't looking good and I am ok with that. I am learning, growing and maturing though this and hope for a good M when the dust settles. She is moving out due to Plan B this weekend. Will be a big step.

from above,

This is VERY VERY normal. Of course she is angry. She would much rather not have to truly face the consequences of her actions. It's far more comfortable for her to let you lie for her. This may seem like the worst possible thing, but counseling research shows it is the absolute fastest way to end and affair....expose it to the light of day. It gets worse at first, but it is still the right thing to do. Plan A is about exposure, confrontation. Most people are too afraid to expose....and what happens is the affair blooms in secrecy....protected by the one it hurts the most. This is not your shame....it is hers. Let her know with complete certainty that you will NOT keep her ugly little secret for her. That you need the support of the family and friends around you. If she doesn't like it and throws a fit....ignore it....they all do...and they all get over it.

Star*fish is absolutely right. Your spouse is PISSED because reality has set in, and HELLO, she will have to deal with it. They don't want anyone to know, it's easier to live in fantasy world! I say, TS (ya know what I mean) to her threats, she is talking from fogland. Remind her, this was HER choice, not yours...........

Here's something cerri, our resident MB coach just posted to LULU over on JFO:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Willard Harley's advice is "put it on the evening news."

Yes some will take the position these thoughtless ones are.... but the idea is to expose the affair to scrutiny and to cause conflict in the fantasy.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Exposing the affair causes the affair to undergo a huge change. It puts pressure on the affair, and does more for lifting the fog than probably any other part of Harley's Plan A. Yes, it is traumatic for the WS....but no more traumatic than the pain already inflicted on the BS. Exposure is a very natural consequence.

When H told me-just 2 weeks ago-I wanted to run out and tell everyone. I told the women in my office and a couple of the pastors (I work for our church) so the information there will stay confidential. I also told my closest friends, and a couple we support on the mission field. He was okay with all of those, as we have adopted an "open honesty, no matter what" plan. I will say this, he completely blew up when he found out that I e-mailed his xW and then his daughter (18) found out. She called me and asked me to leave him. She and I have NEVER been close in our almost 4 years of marriage, but now we talk. She's in another state, but stays here quite often for lengths of time. H wants us to expose this to EVERYONE once his child is born (10/03) since we will be raising it. I wonder if we have to give all the details beyond we've adopted this child. But, he feels it's necessary for his accountability. His A was more of a sexual addiction, one time thing. I say the less people that know the better. But, he wants it exposed. He knows people will be bad-mouthing him, but he knows it will be ME who hears all that and not him. He knows I am on his side and that I will defend him because i know MY part in all of this-evne though he won't let me claim it. Because of my strong convictions and my dependence on and faith in Christ, I will get through this, but not only that, I can see the souls saved by watching God heal not only our marriage, but to watch what happens when God is in control. H gave up on me just months into the marriage. I NEVER knew that. Now, 3 years later, he tells me and I am stunned yes, but God has been preparing me for it all along. He has taught me how to love unconditionally by commmanding me to do so-even when it hurts. We both know this will be a rough road, but H now sees me for who I really am without the bitterness and anger and unforgiveness to blind his heart. Bottom line, I am going to let WH tell all he wants and leave that decision up to him and stand behind hi when the ridicule/judgement/condemnation comes.

Well people are starting to find out and I feel good about that. As painful as it is to watch her kick and scream, I know it is a necessary thing to do and something I should have done long ago.

I created a new thread in the Plan A / B forum if you want an update on my situation, big weekend.

Thanks all!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by star*fish:
<strong>from above,

but counseling research shows it is the absolute fastest way to end and affair....expose it to the light of day. It gets worse at first, but it is still the right thing to do. Plan A is about exposure, confrontation. Most people are too afraid to expose....and what happens is the affair blooms in secrecy....protected by the one it hurts the most. .</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Starfish,
I have been getting conflicting info about revealing the affair. Some people are of the opinion that letting the WS know that others have been told of the affair is a major LB and is only done to hurt the WS. Personally, I don't see how WS's would feel guilty if they were unaware that others knew what they were doing. They would still believe their secret was safe.

I solicit yours and anyone elses opinion on this.