First, I know that I can get the letter in the book SAA, but money is so extremely tight right now that I barely have gas money, so I can't run right out and buy the book. Does anyone have the time to write it back to me or email me a copy of the letter?

Second, how do I completely have NC when he takes our son during the week and on the weekends while I work?

I already have my list of "must do's" for maintaining the marriage. They include IC for him (I have already started IC), anger management for him (he doesn't know how to control his temper), and MC for both of us later on. Also, he must agree to patience while I learn to trust him again, and he must agree to do things (behavior, not just words) to rebuild my trust.

I also have the "must do's" before contact with me. He must end his A. He must write a NC letter to the OW. The only thing is, how do I know he's done those things if I have NC? Does he mail it to her or deliver it in person? If he gives it to her in person, should I be with him when he does it? Should I sign the NC to her also?

I really need to get the book, but if anyone can help me out until I can, I'd be very appreciative.

Not even sure this will work. But need to do something. If he doesn't agree to my terms, then I guess he's not worth it and he doesn't think I'm worth it either. And that thought makes me sad.

<small>[ August 02, 2003, 01:13 PM: Message edited by: deeplyhurting ]</small>

Here are the guidelines for a Plan B letter:

• I love you.
• I married you for life. I want to stay married to you
• I am willing to do what it takes to be the spouse you've always wanted and to address the things I did wrong in the marriage.
• The affair/neglect/abuse is so painful for me that it will destroy the love I have for you. In order to protect those feelings I must end all contact with you.
• As soon as the affair/neglect/abuse is over I would love to talk with you about our future.
• Until that time please respect my wish for no contact whatsoever
• In an emergency you can reach me through______.
• Arrangements for seeing children and handling finances are_____.

Second, how do I completely have NC when he takes our son during the week and on the weekends while I work?

You may have to arrange for a intermediary or drop off and pick up place.

lready have my list of "must do's" for maintaining the marriage. They include IC for him (I have already started IC), anger management for him (he doesn't know how to control his temper), and MC for both of us later on. Also, he must agree to patience while I learn to trust him again, and he must agree to do things (behavior, not just words) to rebuild my trust.

Okay good. I'd also ask for him to agree to a recovery plan of some sort...like MB. And be sure the counseling is specified for a given period....like 6 months or a year.

lso have the "must do's" before contact with me. He must end his A. He must write a NC letter to the OW. The only thing is, how do I know he's done those things if I have NC? Does he mail it to her or deliver it in person? If he gives it to her in person, should I be with him when he does it? Should I sign the NC to her also?

Yes, she gets the Plan B letter as well. You will know when he is ready, because you will negotiate these things, and he will show is good faith BEFORE he moves back home. You mail the Plan B letter, and you send the NC letter registered mail.....return receipt requested.

Star*fish, thanks so much...that info is very helpful. I do plan on getting him to agree to the POJA and I like the idea of setting a time limit on the counselling. Thanks for the good advice.

deeply,

This is from the main site on Plan B:

Sometimes a wayward spouse settles into a routine of having his or her cake and eating it too. In an effort to win the wayward spouse back, the betrayed spouse meets emotional needs that the lover cannot meet, while the lover meets emotional needs that the wayward spouse has not learned to meet. While this competition is excruciatingly painful to the betrayed spouse, and the lover as well, the wayward spouse basks in the warmth of being loved and cared for by two people, with no real motivation to choose one over the other.

So, to avoid an indefinite period of suffering while a wayward spouse vacillates between spouse and lover, and to avoid rewarding the selfish behavior of having needs met by both spouse and lover, if plan A does not work within a reasonable period of time, I recommend plan B.

Plan B is for the betrayed spouse to avoid all contact with the wayward spouse until the affair has completely ended and the wayward spouse has agreed to my plan for recovery. In many cases, once an affair has ended, a betrayed spouse makes the mistake of taking the wayward spouse back before an agreement is made regarding marital recovery. This leads to a return to all the conditions that made the affair possible -- love is not restored, resentment is not overcome, and there is a very great risk for another affair. Without agreement and subsequent implementation of a plan for recovery, the betrayed spouse is better off continuing with plan B.

Since plan B (and plan A, for that matter), is extremely stressful for the betrayed spouse, I usually recommend that he or she ask a physician to prescribe anti-depressant medication to be taken throughout the crisis. This not only greatly reduces the suffering of the betrayed spouse, but it also helps keep a clear head at a time when patience and wise decisions are crucial. Anti-depressant medication does not numb the betrayed spouse to the crisis, it actually helps raise him or her above emotional reactions that would otherwise prevent clear-headed thinking. Why suffer and and make poor choices when anti-depressant medication can help ease your pain and improve your concentration in this time of unprecedented crisis?

While I have seen remarkable success by people using plan A and plan B, success is by no means guaranteed. The problem with Plan B is that the unfaithful spouse may not return, nor agree to the plan for recovery, even after the affair has ended. Separation in marriage is always risky because, "out of sight, out of mind." Unless plan A leaves the wayward s pouse with the impression that returning home is an attractive choice, separation can become permanent. So before implementing plan B, you want to be sure that the last thing your spouse remembers about you is the care and thoughtfulness you offered in plan A. That way, the separation can help create, "absence makes the heart grow fonder."

As it turns out, most affairs end within six months of their seeing the light of day (being revealed to their family and friends), and almost all affairs end without leading to marriage. Even those few that end in marriage have only a 25% rate of success. That's because affairs are based on dishonesty and thoughtlessness for the feelings of others. That same dishonesty and thoughtlessness eventually turns on the lovers themselves, and the affair is destroyed by those same flaws that made it possible in the first place. What drives affairs is passion, not commitment, and once the passion wanes, there is nothing to help the lovers restore their passion. Marriage, on the other hand, especially with children, has many factors that motivate couples to restore their passion for each other after passion has waned. So when passion is gone from an affair, a wayward spouse is usually motivated to return to the betrayed spouse by all of these other factors. For most, it's a logical choice.

But what about marital separation when an affair is not the issue. In your letter, you did not indicate why you had separated. It may have been for reasons other than infidelity.

In general, I recommend separation when at least one spouse cannot control destructive behavior. An ongoing affair, of course, is one of those situations. Hence, plan B. But other situations such as physical and verbal abuse, where one spouse's mental or physical safety is as risk, are also grounds for separation. As in the case of infidelity, if one spouse is abusive, I often recommend plan A first, where, through negotiation (without anger, disrespect or demands), an attempt is made to overcome the abuse without separating.

But in some cases, the safety risks are so great that plan B should be implemented immediately, with no time for plan A. In these cases, treatment for the abusive habit must take place during separation, and some evidence must exist that the risk has been greatly reduced, or completely eliminated, before the spouses should return to each other. Then, after being together again, the formerly abusive spouse should be held accountable by others for his or her behavior to assure the other spouse's safety.

In other cases, such as annoying behavior or failure to meet important emotional needs, where thoughtlessness does not reach the level of physical or mental abuse, plan A should be given quite a bit of time and effort before resorting to plan B. Remember, plan A is negotiating (without anger, disrespect or demands) to eliminate the annoying behavior or improve the meeting of emotional needs. A blanket agreement between spouses to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement goes a long way toward eliminating these thoughtless acts, and can also help couples learn to meet each other's needs with enthusiasm. But without that policy, couples often find that they cannot get anywhere with each other through negotiation, and sometimes separation can eventually lead to mutual recognition that they need the Policy of Joint Agreement to help them resolve conflicts.

But, as I mentioned earlier, the risks of separation are great. It should be used only as a last resort to help resolve a fatal flaw in marriage. Once separated, couples often never do reconcile, remaining separated for life, or they eventually divorce. A fact unknown to many is that fifteen to twenty percent of all married couples end their lives permanently separated. These, who are not included in divorce statistics, usually feel that they should not legally divorce for religious reasons. But for most practical purposes, they are as divorced as those legally divorced. Their separation did not create the opportunity for reconciliation, but rather, created an even higher barrier between spouses.

So whenever spouses separate, I usually encourage a plan that moves them toward eventual reconciliation. From your letter, it sounds as if you are moving in that direction, and you simply need to know when it would be the right time to move back together. And you may want to know more about full marital recovery after you have ended your separation.

The four rules to recovery that I recommend after an affair are marital rules that every couple should be following. So they should form the basis for any plan for recovery after a separation. Since the four rules cover every conceivable problem that married couples face, they would address the issue that led to your separation. If you were to follow these four rules as part of your plan for recovery, I guarantee you that you will not only eliminate the problems that led you to separate, but you will also resolve many other conflicts that have prevented you from having a successful marriage.

Also:

I saw this post that cerri made to hopeful98 who is also going to plan B...thought it might help too.

Really? I guess I'm just scared that Plan B will really drive him away.

First, NO ONE wants to do Plan B. Ever. That's normal. We all have exactly the same fears, they just manifest a little differently depending on the situation.

While we have even the tiniest spark of feeling for our spouse we want to hang in there fighting for the R and showing that we can be "good enough." Of course, our ability to do a good Plan A diminishes as time goes on and our LBnk drains. And then the minute those feelings are gone (and for women especially that can happen in a heartbeat) we see no reason to Plan B. Either way, staying too long in Plan A is destructive.

Second..... he's already gone. You're not pushing him away, you are protecting you from having to deal on a day to day basis with his thoughtless and cruel behavior.

Isn't the Plan B letter about making him decide about his M or this OW?

Not at all. The Plan B letter says these things (I just happen to keep the list handy )

• I love you.
• I married you for life. I want to stay married to you
• I am willing to do what it takes to be the spouse you've always wanted and to address the things I did wrong in the marriage.
• The affair/neglect/abuse is so painful for me that it will destroy the love I have for you. In order to protect those feelings I must end all contact with you.
• As soon as the affair/neglect/abuse is over I would love to talk with you about our future.
• Until that time please respect my wish for no contact whatsoever
• In an emergency you can reach me through______.
• Arrangements for seeing children and handling finances are_____.
~~~~

It's really not about him at all. It's about you and your need to completely remove yourself from a situation which is painful. AND very importantly, it leaves the door open for reconciliation as soon as the affair is over.

How can I ask him to make that choice when it's obvious that he wants OW? Perhaps I haven't understood Plan B correctly.

You're not asking him to make a choice. You are telling him that you are making a choice to protect you and the feelings you still have for him.

I think what you are looking for is Sample PLAN B Letters...

FYI: No Contact Letters... are for the start of 'Recovery'.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim/NSR