First time posting, thanks for listening...

Here's my story. I'm the betrayed spouse and my name is Steve.
Wife and I met in class at our University.
She was my first real love / sexual partner.
We've been married for 10 years now.
We have a 3 year old boy who I love dearly.
Wife and son have never been "close".
Things have been going downhill for about 2 years now. I think the child wasn't what she was expecting since he's so attached to me.
I've felt something has been going on for sometime now, but I didn't want to know. As long as things were still ok at home I was content to turn a blind eye. But, lately things have gotten progressively worse. She's staying out late (12-2 am) with the single people at work and a week ago she didn't come home till 7am for the second time in a month.
My father felt something was amiss on our last visit and suggested that I really try to talk to her. Of course she instists everything is fine.
I keep pushing, she keeps insisting.

Coming in at 7am was the last straw for me. I told her I didn't want to talk about it but my thoughts were she needed to leave the baby and I.
She cried and said she'd never do that again and she was so sorry. We had plans to go to the comedy club that night and I said I'd email her if I decided to go. After brooding all afternoon I finally sent her an email saying I would, but I told her how her actions were hurting me and the baby and alluded to the affair.

So, that night we go to the club, the OM is there, and WW is bouncing back and forth between us. We have a few drinks, watch the show, and after agree to go to the dance bar around the block for a few more. The OM and I get to talking and his wife is pregnant and he's saying how much he loves my son and how he's so smart and beautiful. I respond back, "You can't have him, too". Of course this throws it back in his face, pisses him off, and since he's a nasty drunk he goes off on how his sex life with his wife is really awful since her pregnancy and that's why "I'm ****ing your wife". I said I know and some other rude things. He then proceeds to pass out on the floor and get thrown out of the bar. My wife, not knowing what he's disclosed takes off to his rescue and drives him home. That was a real stake in the heart.

Of course the wife is furious the next morning when I confront her with it and denies it, but it's not the loving wife response, it's the pissed at the lover response. Calling him stupid and you can't trust what he says cause he's a mean drunk. Anyway I come to this wonderful website and try to sort it all out and convince her to tell me the truth after 2 days.

She admits, but says she's 99% sure she's ready to leave me if I make her choose. So I agree to what I thought was a "Plan A" of let's not be so hasty and let's sort this out and I understand that it's an emotional need as well as physical need (she says it's the best sex she's had... ever... she didn't know it could be so good... how can I live up to that) So, right now we are still together. She knows I want her to break it off, but she won't agree to breaking contact or the affair. They work together in the same office in cubicles, so unless one of them quits, total seperation would never happen.

So, my plan a is f'd because she won't agree to stop seeing him. I don't want him near my child, so I'm not prepared yet to leave the house and the baby. I've been busting my hump all week to be the good husband, but she still won't have sex with me -- since the discovery. And, on top of that she spent most of Sat night with OM and OMW at dinner and the all of Sun with girlfriends. I feel like her b@tch sitting at home taking care of the baby and the house.

Right now, I just want to take the baby, her sports car (which I sold my suv so we could afford), and some cloths and leave to my parents house.

She on the otherhand is content to let the situation fester until after Xmas.

Some of the issues we all struggle with:
should I tell her mom.
should I tell the other man's wife.
she's allready told a few people at work but I don't know how much she's said.

But, I'm seeing a therapist now and hopefully I'll have my answers to my questions soon.

If you've made it this far, thanks.

noahbuddy,
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. And I know how you're feeling b/c I'm also the BS.

But I believe you should reveal her affair to his wife and to your family.

An affair, once revealed, is no longer "fantasy". Affair's tend to die after their exposed.

Just my opinion but, I believe many on here will agree with me.

Good luck!

After what I just read......I would leave. Let the flaming begin. Talking about the great sex with OM and staying out all night and day and uhhhh..............Like I said, let the flaming begin.

Get the affair out in the open. Tell your family, hers and your close friends and of course the OM wife. It's the first step in ending the affair and giving your wife a reality check.

read everything you can on this site and get some books. Start working on your plan A.

If things do get worse let your wife leave the house not you or your child. She cheated and you and your child don't need to make the adjustment to new surroundings.

My wife confessed and left mid march. at that time she said "it's over", "to much time has past", "people can't change". Now two months after her affair with a Married man, also friends of ours she now is "unsure of our future".

Hang tough, work on yourself, protect your child and don't beleave what you hear from your wife your going to hear and see some very strange things just stick to your plan.

Steve,

I am also a BS and have been trying Plan A for a little over a week. I can't speak for you, I can only suggest that you stick to the plan. If someone needs to leave the home, it is definitely not you.

Do what you need to take care of yourself and your child. Do what you can to meet the EN's of your wife, but as everyone here will say, don't expect anything to happen overnight.

Get the His Needs/Her Needs book and anything else you can get your hands on. I haven't finished it yet. I'm about halfway through and I've already learned alot. Mostly because it points things out in totally different perspectives than any of us ever had before.

Rule 1. Take care of yourself.

Good luck

An important component of Plan A is to reveal the A to the OP(other person) spouse, this means you have to tell his W(wife) whether she ends the A(affair) or not.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She admits, but says she's 99% sure she's ready to leave me if I make her choose.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is nothing but pure blackmail to force you to accept the A(affair). Even if you back off from making her choose between you and OM, she can still choose to leave you, so don't let her threats of leaving influence your Plan A/Plan B for if she really wanted to leave you, she would have done so already.

noah:

"It's the Lord, Noah" (I've always wanted to say that, but never had anybody to say it to, until now!)... ...That's from Bill Cosby, if you don't know...

Anyway, my post:

I guess I'm a bit confused. If you knew that your W was having this A, why did you go to the bar with him and your W, and why did you let your W drive him home? Are you somehow "okay" with this relationship? Or did you find out after?

StartinOver: Here's your flame. We don't even know for sure whether noah wants his W or not. I can't quite tell. If he doesn't, even if he tosses her out he's going to need to continue with counseling to figure out what he contributed to the downfall of their M. And if he does want her, then there's a lot that needs to be done before he's exhausted the capabilities of plan A. He's only just begun.

Definitely blow the A wide open, the sooner the better. I didn't do this, and sometimes wonder if I should have. Eventually, the OMW found out about 4 months after I did, so I no longer "needed" to tell her.

Then, figure out what you want, and work toward that. Part of plan A is about negotiating the end to her A, and it''s harder to do that if you've thrown her out. As for her "choosing" between you. She absolutely has to do this, whether she likes it or not. But telling her that might just drive her into his arms. If you don't care, then go ahead. But if you do care, think about this and ask your C about means within plan A that can help her make her own decisions, hopefully in a reasonable period of time.

I think that a lot of your problems will seem easier to address once the OMW knows what her H is up to. There will be anger, lots of it, when you tell the OMW, but it isn't fair to the OMW that she doesn't have a choice as to what SHE wants to do.

Take care,
-Qfwfq

Disclose her A to close family and freinds, very close circle. Go and talk to OMW. You have to let the A in the open. Don't ask WW to leave but you have to draw boundry w/o LB'ng. No Angry outburst, No disrespctful judgement, ... etc. Meanwhile you have to think about legal custody, finances in case the whole thing turn south. Read and understand well about plan A.

-rh-

Hmm..."Best sex ever" is very common in A's, but you can be better - though it will probably take a couple of months, if not years, of practice, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> and not until she has completely cut off contact with him. "Passionate Marriage" by Schnarch, is convoluted, hard to read, and complicated, but it does explain WHY she had the best sex ever with him - and how to have even better sex yet. The explanation is buried somewhere in the middle of the book, but it is worth reading the whole thing, anyway.

As for Plan A - er, you don't "agree" to Plan A. Plan A is something YOU do, unilaterally. It is a strategy to seperate her from the OM. Once she agrees to no contact (and yes, one of them will need to quit work or transfer) Plan A is done. Read What Are Plan A and Plan B? after reading the "Concepts" link above. There are a couple terrific posts about Plan A that are worth reading at: Plan A, Doormats and Love Busters by Zorweb and Cerri on Plan A, which will help you avoid some of the common pitfalls.

click on the link in my signature line for the rest of the story

Sorry to hear that you are in the same pain as I am.

I am no expert but I am about 2 months farther ahead in this hell than you are. I do have a few words of advice.

1) Do not leave home.

2) Revel the affair to lover's wife.

3) Reveal it to family.

4) As long as it is there secret it will continue.

Do not believe what your wife tells you now about your marriage. She will say it is over, I love you but am not in love with you. Reference to the part about the sex don't try to compare yourself to him. Anything in this fantasy world seems to be better to them. Those feelings are not real and if she is relying on good sex to make her happy for the rest of her life then that pretty much explains her train of thought now.

I went on the roller coaster ride of my life for past two months. My wife told me she was going to divorce me about 5 times that she was 99% sure this is what she wanted. She even got an attorney. However she never follows through. It is more of a control thing. When she gets confused and things start to get out of control it was her way of trying to gain control.

There is hope. Stick to plan A. It is hard and I made several mistakes in plan A. Just let her know you are there, and you want to work things out. She won't show a lot of interest towards you at times but hang in there.

My wife finally came to me yesterday and said that the affair has gone on to long. She said that she ended it. She told him that her children were too important and that she had made a promise to me 7 years ago and she needs to stick by that promise. She said her lover was sad, and that he was also getting frustrated with everything. They will get frustrated and that is what you hope for. I am not out of the woods but heading in the right direction.

Get help from friends and this site it is the only way I have made it. God is very important too. my family and her family have been very supportive of me which has helped.

Hang in there I am praying for you.

Plan A will not work unless there is no contact with the OM. Whatever, you do to try fulfill her ENs will be viewed by her as a being a weak and pathetic pursuit for her attention. You need to inform the OM's wife and family members as to what is going on. The fantasy bubble needs to be burst so that reality begins to shine in. I would recommend that you go to Plan B or D so that she sees the consequences of her affair. Consult a divorce lawyer before doing this so that you are protected. As things stand now you don't have a marriage. Only two people living together because of a legal piece of paper.

Noah, sorry about all the pain and suffering...I know what it feels like (I'm BS, dday was 7 mos ago - and I'm still with my H - it's slow but we're working on it).

I just want to add that if you do expose the A to the OMW - please be gentle and respectful even though you're in your own hell right now. You said she's pregnant right (OMW?). She needs to know but she might not be able to handle too much information all at once.

My H 's fowh (former other woman's husband - that's a mouthful, huh?) was adamant about exposing details to me that I just didn't want to hear and couldn't handle right after dday. I was traumatized enough. The fow is someone I know and the pieces were all falling into place in my mind after the A was exposed. I didn't need fowh telling me stuff. He called me several times and I really began freaking out over this. He wanted to "get together with me". This infuriated me. Did he think I was going to have a revenge A with him????

I knew about the A, I knew what I needed to know, I didn't need to know every sickening thing that he wanted me to know. So, just tread lightly. FOWH also called to let me know that my H and his w were still "going at it hot and heavy" after dday...this my h completely denied. Who really knows the truth...I think ow was just trying to piss off her H more because they were already headed to a big old DIVORCE.

FOW had tried (who knows if she was successful) shacking up with my friend's H before my H. Anyhow, just my thought.

Take care of yourself. I'm sorry for your pain. It really sucks. Just know that you didn't do this, you may have been responsible for issues in your M, but you didn't have the A. At least you can be at ease with your own conscious. It will get better and you will overcome it just takes time and a lot of patience.