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Joined: Jul 1999
Posts: 188
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Joined: Jul 1999
Posts: 188 |
I just left the marriage counselor, which I had to go by myself. We talked about routines and she noticed that I do most of the "work" with the kids and the house. I do almost everything, always have. I think I do these things so she will repay me with attention. I think I do so much that she now feels stifled and useless. There are no needs that she can fill for me (accept one). How do you give her more responsibility to make her feel more self confident and self reliant. If I stop doing everything I feel she will think I am doing it to hurt her. I think I'm stuck. Our counselor said it will be hard to get out of the "care taker" role. I want my W to feel as special as I know she is. I think that my trying to treat her like a queen is hurting not helping.
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Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 813
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Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 813 |
Hi Had Better Days, <BR> I don't know if you "did too much", you know, there is always an excuse....she made the choice , you did not make her have an affair. <BR> In my H's case, I didn't" organize the pantry," didn't keep the house clean enough and then in the same breath he said all I did was take care of the kids and house. What I'm trying to say is if it's not that reason she gave you it might be another. Just a thought and I'm usually wrong!!!! Lu
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Joined: May 1999
Posts: 3,758
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Joined: May 1999
Posts: 3,758 |
Your wife didn't go with you to counseling, right?<P>IF (if is a big word) the counselor is right, you can test this.... Try giving her responsibility for one item that you think she can be successful on.<P>What responsibility does your wife have? I'm sure if you list them, she must do something, already. Praise her, thank her for doing it. Motivate her to do more?<P>I'm sure this didn't "cause" the affairs - but probably does enable her to not feel responsible.
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Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 300
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Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 300 |
Try doing activites around the house or with the kids that involve both of you. Maybe you can bring her into things gradually.<P>------------------<BR>Give to the world the best you have, and the best will come back to you.<BR>* Viki
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Joined: Jul 1999
Posts: 188
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Joined: Jul 1999
Posts: 188 |
The counselor suggested asking for help with things around the house. She said to go slowly so it wouldn't appear that I was trying to say she doesn't do anything.
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Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 1,637
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Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 1,637 |
That's a no-win. HBD, I'm in the same boat...I do almost everything around the house. H got his current job and wanted more input, but no more responsibility, other than financial. Now he fears getting fired by his crazy boss, and then I have to do everything again.<P>It's hard when your spouse won't tell you what he/she needs and you have to guess.
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Joined: Jul 1999
Posts: 188
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Joined: Jul 1999
Posts: 188 |
That does really stink, all she has to do is ask. Her request is my demand.
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Joined: May 1999
Posts: 3,758
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Joined: May 1999
Posts: 3,758 |
When you have a spouse that is non-communicative, and a conflict avoider - you sure do have to guess at what it is you should do! Ask me!<P>I have to learn what works, and what doesn't through trial and error.<P>I can't tell what is more important - that one is really hard through trial and error....<P><BR>yuck.
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