Well, two months into this and my wife has finally came to me and said affair is over.

She said it has gone on too long. I'm not sure I believe her after all the lies of the past.

She came home from work early yesterday and looked like a train had hit her. I asked her what was wrong? She said that she ended it. I asked her how?

She said that she called OP and told him it was over. She said that she told him that her children and her husband were to important. She said that she made a promise to be married 7 years ago and needs to honor that.

I asked her what OP said. She said that he just sat there in silence and was sad. He stated to her that he was getting very frustrated with the whole thing. I guess my brother found him and had a talk with him. He said that he can't handle the harassment that he is getting.

I did tell my wife I was glad that she told him that, but wished she would have sent a letter instead of calling him. I told her I really do not know if anything else was said. She told me it was short and to the point.

One concern is that she said it was hard to do. Also she has done this in the past but never on her own. Also has never told him that she wanted to end it. In the past it was always I wanted her to or counselor told her too.

I asked her to follow it up with a letter. She said no. She said I told him it was over. She said a letter will just make him call. I disagree.

I am still scared she will call again. If she does I don't think I can stick around any longer. Any suggestions on helping her through this time?

drake123,

Let her know that NC letter is a must and no but or if. It is not for her only but for you. Make sure conseling, time&money accountability are part of the working on M. Ask her w/o LB but it is the term to reconsile. If she refuses you know her words doesn't match her actions.

-rh-

you're being played. all you have at this point is her word..and i'm sorry to say...the word of a cheat is not really worth very much.

wait and watch...don't let your guard down or get your hopes up. until she writes the letter and lives the promise she makes, then all her talk is nothing more than just that; talk!...and we all know it's not what a person sais that counts, is it? it what they do that counts.
coach

I agree with coach's advice. It may just turn out to be a 'time out' for their A, so it's best not to get your hopes up until she sends a no contact letter to him and agrees to follow a marital recovery plan. Until that happens, guard your feelings really well.

I sat down today and wrote her letter about how important it is to write the letter to him.

What if she still refuses. Do I just wait for what I know is going to happen?

I am to the point were I am thinking right or wrong if she contacts him again I am going to divorce her..... But I am not sure its because what I want to do or in my desperation I think it will wake her up... (Probably not a good thing to do, I know. But what do I do???

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by drake123:
I sat down today and wrote her letter about how important it is to write the letter to him.

What if she still refuses. Do I just wait for what I know is going to happen?

I am to the point were I am thinking right or wrong if she contacts him again I am going to divorce her..... But I am not sure its because what I want to do or in my desperation I think it will wake her up... (Probably not a good thing to do, I know. But what do I do???</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You cannot make a selfish demand (even though it has the noble purpose of saving the marriage) to writte the no contact letter to the OM. But you can explain to her in a letter that your love for her dies every day that you see no committment on her part to rebuild the marriage and that you cannot guarantee that one day you will not divorce her, and then nothing she says or does will matter to you anymore. This is not a threat but a statement of fact.

Well, I guess my wife has talked to her mother and sister. They both called me and said they did not get much encouragement from their conversation. They feel that her talk with her lover to end the affair was not sincere. I guess when my wife told them that she told him she could not talk to him anymore and never said anything about not wanting to did it for them.

So the conversations with her mother and sister quickly turned south. My wife responds with anger which is a sign to me she does not want to end it.

Her sister questioned her about not sending a letter. She responded by saying she told her lover she would never send a letter to end it. My wifes sister basically said that her lovers feeling are than more important than her husbands.

I have nothing to do with her mother and sister talking to her but I am sure the results of it will come raining down on me... with anger. Oh, well still hangin....

I have a strong suspicion that wws like your wife continue their affairs because they believe that their husbands will take them back and that they will be forgiven and their marriages will continue.
There is no incentive for them to stop this game. She has 2 men battling for her hand. She does not have to worry about hubby because he will always be there to take her back, so her only worry is to keep the bf on a chain because he is the one who has no legal attachment to have to stay with her. She figures that the OM can always leave her while you won't. She has learned to play you so that you stick around just in case. By not taking a strong position, i.e divorce, you enable her to continue this nonsense.

Drake, if she again tells you that the A is over, respectfully and calmly respond to her 'Please don't tell me the A is over if it really isn't. I don't want to raise my hopes up only to have them shot down by more lies.' and leave her alone to ponder this.

<small>[ August 06, 2003, 12:44 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

OK coffee man! great response to an "in your face lie!" drake were you listening?

and Dreake don't be in despair...this thing is just begining and your foggy brained W is just starting to get a taste of the retribution she will face...from her own family, yet! you have some great allies. right now she just doesn't see it...

if it were me, i would make no threats and give NO ultimatums. i would just step back from the entire mess and watch her squirm. others may disagree but while this is going on i would spy like a son of a "beach!" I WOULD PUT KEY LOGGER SOFTWARE ON THE COMPUTER and BUG THE PHONE, (cheap set-up available from radio shack). when you stop trying to control what she does she will beginto wonder why...and worry about it!

just be aloof for a while. there are many ways to show disdain other then yelling, screaming or crying about it. showing your disapointment in her in this manner will go further in waking her up then all of the arguments you ever will have.

coach

Thanks for the info. She is starting to squirm. I have stepped back and am just watching. I am even being a little distant. Her mom and sister are not believing a word she says. She is getting frustrated. My wife also told me that her lover is getting frustrated that she cannot decide. I stepped up and told her that I hope she has made a final decision that it is really over. For the first time I think she realizes that there are going to be actions for what she does. I went to see an attorney last week and got my ducks in a row. He said that I have a fairly good chance of getting custody of the kids with the judges we have. Also if I file for divorce I get the house and control of the kids for 60 days. Sixty days for her to face reality alone. Not what I want now but the ball is for once in my court. She is starting to say things like she can't imagine me being with someone else. I continue to ask her daily if she is talking to him. The good thing about is that she can't lie worth a crap anymore and she knows it. Her fantasy life is starting to crumble. She told her sister that the affair has gone on to long and she doesnt want a divorce but still says she is confused. I have made no demands to her but have told her that my feelings for her are slipping away with everyday there is not a strong commitment from her. I also told her that if she continues there is no guaratee that I will not divorce her. She keeps telling me she loves me and the kids and she does not want a divorce. Whether I believe her or not I am feeling better about myself more everyday. We will see what happens... Thanks for the help......

What will make her a believer is if you actually file for divorce.

Sounds like it's Plan B time.

I agree it's time for Plan B. Time for you to go dark. No more asking what she's doing, no more asking if there talking.

Write the plan B letter and then go dark.