<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
I feel it has come to this:

"Dear J:
I feel badly that I became so angry at you..........please understand how hurt I was, how lost...and now that things have really set in................I wanted so badly for this marriage to work.. I have given so much of my life to it...to you. My heart has been ripped from me and I feel now as if my only desire in life right now is to heal. I tried to find an ideal sacred love to share with you, and it is failing miserably.., you were a gift sent to me from God and I all of my hopes, all of my dreams, all that I had found holy and joyful are dying. I will not let you treat me this way after what you did. It is your responsibility to be understanding of me, love me, recommit back to the marriage, and cater to my hurt. I am not expecting you to be a slave for the rest of our live, but your actions and words should take into consideration my hurt, feelings and condition. You need to take special care of my feelings until we are in a healthier place. I feel this would only take a few months if you would recommit and break all physical, emotional and all contact whatsoever with mike. I am not accusing, but my gut tells me you are inappropriately talking to mike. That is an important factor, but minor factor considering the way you are treating me.

I love you…
• I married you for life. I want to stay married to you.
I want you to treat me the way my Mother and your Nana threat my father and your POP. I want to treat you the way my father and your POP treats my mother and your Nana. I want to treat you better than my father treats my mother.
• I do not want a divorce
• I am willing to forgive, but feel that I have not been given the chance or environment. You have not taken steps to reassure me you are committed to the marriage. You are not respecting my feelings. My hurt. You have shown in your lack of understanding, in your actions, in your inability to be close to me, that you have not recommitted to the marriage. You are using counseling as a shield and taking it too word for word. If you do not want the same things I want out of a committed, sharing, caring marriage…I will understand… but I will not play games anymore. I am not sick or psycho… I do not want to spy or an environment where I need to. You know I am a secure person who is not jealous.
• I know my actions have been far from perfect… but you should understand them and get past them. If I am will to be close to you and open up to you with what I am dealing with, it should be easy for you to work harder than me.
• I am willing to do what it takes to be the spouse you've always wanted and to address the things I did wrong in the marriage.
• I love you and can be close to you even though I am so hurt and disappointed.
• I feel your reasons for withholding love and affection from me are not valid.
• The affair/neglect/abuse is so painful for me that it will destroy the love I have for you. In order to protect those feelings I must end all contact with you. I do not want to cloud my feelings with neglect anymore. My love for you still grows every day.
• It is not just about your continued contact with Mike. It is your treatment to me, your inability to help us heal, your actions of distance.
• As soon as the affair/neglect/abuse is over I would love to talk with you about our future.
• When you wish to fully recommit to this marriage and fully end all contact with mike and understand I will be insecure for a few months, I would like to talk. I understand and know it is hard that I had to spy. I do not do it to I would like to forgive. I would like to get back to enjoying the things that make us us. J and B S . Remember your vows.
• Until that time please respect my wish for no contact whatsoever
• I will remove my basics over the next few days while your are not here.
• If you wish, though it is not what I want, I will remove all belongings at your request.
• In an emergency you can reach me through at my parents xxx-xxxx"

I think it says things plainly enough, except for one phrase: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">cater to my hurt </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">. There's something about that word "cater" that seems a real turn-off. Could you substitute something like "show consideration for my pain" or "respect my hurt feelings".

I hope all the best for you and your wife.

Just a side note. Your signature shows you had final proof of the affair 2 days before d-day? D-day is when you discovered the affair.

Final proof of A: 6/10/03
D-Day: 6/12/03

It’s full of Love Busters. You should remove ALL LB’s and make it a bit more clearer of what you are doing (no contact) and why (the affair is hurting you.) Keep the paragraphs separate and to the point so it does not get all mucky as to what you are saying.

1 – I love you
2 – I apologize for my part in making our relationship where it is now.
3 – I love you & I want us to have a great marriage and I know we can.
4 – I must end all contact with you until you end the affair and agree to no longer contact mike. This is not to punish or get back at you, but because I am hurting deeply because of your affair. For emergencies, you can call xxx. I have talked with them & they have agreed to be a go-between
5 – I want us to remain married and I will wait for you to give me the chance.

_ _ _ _
I wanted so badly for this marriage to work
But now you don’t want it?

My heart has been ripped from me
Feels like it but leave it something like “the affair is hurting me deeply”. You just want her to understand you are in pain, not rub it in.

and I feel now as if my only desire in life right now is to heal.
You don’t have a desire to reconcile?

I will not let you treat me this way after what you did. It is your responsibility to be understanding of me, love me, recommit back to the marriage, and cater to my hurt. I am not expecting you to be a slave for the rest of our live, but your actions and words should take into consideration my hurt, feelings and condition. You need to take special care of my feelings until we are in a healthier place.
Dump this completely. Full of LB’s.

I am not accusing, but my gut tells me you are inappropriately talking to mike.
You don’t know? If she is talking to him and it bothers you, then it is inappropriate.

I want you to treat me the way my Mother and your Nana threat my father and your POP. I want to treat you the way my father and your POP treats my mother and your Nana. I want to treat you better than my father treats my mother.
This is not (necessarily) about what you want. It is about saving your marriage. The “I wants” will come after the affair is over and you discuss what needs to be done for reconciliation.

• I am willing to forgive, but feel that I have not been given the chance or environment. You have not taken steps to reassure me you are committed to the marriage. You are not respecting my feelings. My hurt. You have shown in your lack of understanding, in your actions, in your inability to be close to me, that you have not recommitted to the marriage. You are using counseling as a shield and taking it too word for word. If you do not want the same things I want out of a committed, sharing, caring marriage…I will understand… but I will not play games anymore. I am not sick or psycho… I do not want to spy or an environment where I need to. You know I am a secure person who is not jealous.
Full of LB’s.

• I feel your reasons for withholding love and affection from me are not valid.
So?

• The affair/neglect/abuse is so painful for me that it will destroy the love I have for you. In order to protect those feelings I must end all contact with you.
Add something about this being until the affair ends and she is willing to end all contact with Mike.

Bobs; What I feel when I read your Plan B letter is a lot of anger and indignation with your WS. I can understand how an affair can make you feel this, believe me I am finding out first hand. But this is supposed to be a love letter as well as telling about the pain you feel and then the NC.

In your letter, although heart felt, I don't read much that would make your WS think about returning. It isn't very inviting. First saying something loving, then saying something demanding or threatning. This might scare WS instead of intice them to rethink your marriage and consider coming back. Just my opinion.

Maybe you should wait till you are not upset and re-read your letter and see if this is really what you want to say. Or even what you would want S to tell you if the tables were turned. This will not be easy but when it comes to Plan B time, you don't get many more tries. Make them good ones.

If you redo your Plan B, please post it.

Good luck and God Bless. We'll take care of your feelings for now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />