<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
I feel it has come to this:

"Dear J:
I feel badly that I became so angry at you..........please understand how hurt I was, how lost...and now that things have really set in................I wanted so badly for this marriage to work.. I have given so much of my life to it...to you. My heart has been ripped from me and I feel now as if my only desire in life right now is to heal. I tried to find an ideal sacred love to share with you, and it is failing miserably.., you were a gift sent to me from God and I all of my hopes, all of my dreams, all that I had found holy and joyful are dying. I will not let you treat me this way after what you did. It is your responsibility to be understanding of me, love me, recommit back to the marriage, and cater to my hurt. I am not expecting you to be a slave for the rest of our live, but your actions and words should take into consideration my hurt, feelings and condition. You need to take special care of my feelings until we are in a healthier place. I feel this would only take a few months if you would recommit and break all physical, emotional and all contact whatsoever with mike. I am not accusing, but my gut tells me you are inappropriately talking to mike. That is an important factor, but minor factor considering the way you are treating me.

I love you…
• I married you for life. I want to stay married to you.
I want you to treat me the way my Mother and your Nana threat my father and your POP. I want to treat you the way my father and your POP treats my mother and your Nana. I want to treat you better than my father treats my mother.
• I do not want a divorce
• I am willing to forgive, but feel that I have not been given the chance or environment. You have not taken steps to reassure me you are committed to the marriage. You are not respecting my feelings. My hurt. You have shown in your lack of understanding, in your actions, in your inability to be close to me, that you have not recommitted to the marriage. You are using counseling as a shield and taking it too word for word. If you do not want the same things I want out of a committed, sharing, caring marriage…I will understand… but I will not play games anymore. I am not sick or psycho… I do not want to spy or an environment where I need to. You know I am a secure person who is not jealous.
• I know my actions have been far from perfect… but you should understand them and get past them. If I am will to be close to you and open up to you with what I am dealing with, it should be easy for you to work harder than me.
• I am willing to do what it takes to be the spouse you've always wanted and to address the things I did wrong in the marriage.
• I love you and can be close to you even though I am so hurt and disappointed.
• I feel your reasons for withholding love and affection from me are not valid.
• The affair/neglect/abuse is so painful for me that it will destroy the love I have for you. In order to protect those feelings I must end all contact with you. I do not want to cloud my feelings with neglect anymore. My love for you still grows every day.
• It is not just about your continued contact with Mike. It is your treatment to me, your inability to help us heal, your actions of distance.
• As soon as the affair/neglect/abuse is over I would love to talk with you about our future.
• When you wish to fully recommit to this marriage and fully end all contact with mike and understand I will be insecure for a few months, I would like to talk. I understand and know it is hard that I had to spy. I do not do it to I would like to forgive. I would like to get back to enjoying the things that make us us. J and B S . Remember your vows.
• Until that time please respect my wish for no contact whatsoever
• I will remove my basics over the next few days while your are not here.
• If you wish, though it is not what I want, I will remove all belongings at your request.
• In an emergency you can reach me through at my parents xxx-xxxx"

okay bob....there are love busters all over this thing. I'm going to put them in parenthesis for you okay?

I love you…
• I married you for life. I want to stay married to you.
I want you to treat me the way my Mother and your Nana threat my father and your POP. I want to treat you the way my father and your POP treats my mother and your Nana. I want to treat you better than my father treats my mother. (sounds a little bit like lecturing here....How about "I want us to treat eachother like nana and mom and dad who love and appreciate eachother."
• I do not want a divorce
• I am willing to forgive, but feel that I have not been given the chance or environment. You have not taken steps to reassure me you are committed to the marriage. You are not respecting my feelings. My hurt. You have shown in your lack of understanding, in your actions, in your inability to be close to me, that you have not recommitted to the marriage. You are using counseling as a shield and taking it too word for word. If you do not want the same things I want out of a committed, sharing, caring marriage…I will understand… but I will not play games anymore. I am not sick or psycho… I do not want to spy or an environment where I need to. You know I am a secure person who is not jealous. (this is all about YOU YOU YOU. Change each of these statements I I I....I feel_____when you do this or this happens)
• I know my actions have been far from perfect… but you should understand them and get past them. If I am will to be close to you and open up to you with what I am dealing with, it should be easy for you to work harder than me. (oooooh big LB her....just get past them????? Come on!! Doesn't work that way! Try...."we have both made mistakes. I am willing to forgive and I hope you can too so that we can put all of this behind us and move forward." Take responsibilty for making your marriage vulnerble!!! Validate....do not DISMISS her fellings....it is very disrespectful.
• I am willing to do what it takes to be the spouse you've always wanted and to address the things I did wrong in the marriage.(YAY!!!)
• I love you and can be close to you even though I am so hurt and disappointed.(Good, but instead of "even though" how about "in the face of my hurt and disappointment" It's less acusatory or combative. It's like your saying....I can love you even though you suck LOL!)
• I feel your reasons for withholding love and affection from me are not valid.(OMG!!! NOPE, huge enormous LB. Her feelings are JUST as valid as yours! Don't go there.)
• The affair/neglect/abuse is so painful for me that it will destroy the love I have for you. In order to protect those feelings I must end all contact with you. I do not want to cloud my feelings with neglect anymore. My love for you still grows every day.(okay)
• It is not just about your continued contact with Mike. It is your treatment to me, your inability to help us heal, your actions of distance.(okaaaaaay....but need to use "I" statements again about how her treatement makes you feel)
• As soon as the affair/neglect/abuse is over I would love to talk with you about our future.(yep)
• When you wish to fully recommit to this marriage and fully end all contact with mike and understand I will be insecure for a few months, I would like to talk. I understand and know it is hard that I had to spy. I do not do it to I would like to forgive. I would like to get back to enjoying the things that make us us. J and B S . Remember your vows. (that last bit is lecturing again......sorry)
• Until that time please respect my wish for no contact whatsoever
• I will remove my basics over the next few days while your are not here.
• If you wish, though it is not what I want, I will remove all belongings at your request.
• In an emergency you can reach me through at my parents xxx-xxxx"

Okay, now please add the conditions for returning which MAY include these things or others that are important to you:

End contact with mike
commit to 6 months of marriage counseling
commit to a marriage recovery plan like MB
answer all my questions about affair
open your life to an honest scrutiny to let me begin to trust and believe you again

and others.

Hope this helps. Plan B should have zero LBs....so ya gonna have to fix this a bit.

Good luck

<small>[ August 06, 2003, 02:20 PM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

You sound very weak and pathetic. Your letter comes across as if you are begging her to recommit and love you. In my opinion, you would be better off to do a Plan B without sending her a letter.

tomaz,

The letter is important and shouldn't be skipped. Stay on course Bob. Don't forget that OM gets a copy too. Just keep refining it.

Thanks Star*fish,
I have refind and given it to her and left. I am at my parents and she is begging me to come home. I have said no until she agrees to recomitt and end all contact. She is still saying she has recomitted and has broken contact except for school. She says it is hard to get close to me when there is so much hurt. She says she is distant because she doesn't know how to deal with it, even though our councelor gave ideas and ask her if she could do things like open up, and touch me more. But she hasn't. And her last chat with mike, although short and about school, had a suspious feel. She started them off saying "can't talk now, im at home" and in one said "I feel like poo:(" She is still unwilling to take responsibility and as you said "open your life to an honest scrutiny to let me begin to trust and believe you again."
Thanks again

Bob,

Plan B can be really risky....but sometimes it is a necessary step in getting an end to the affair and putting honesty back into a marriage. You really should do it with a coach like cerri, but I'd rather see you stand firm about the marriage...than be wishy washy and stay in Plan A indefinitely. It sounds like you made an impression. Hope it helps. I don't make it to this board much....so post on JFO if you want to find me or some other Vets for concept-based advice. I've got my fingers crossed for you.

Just an update guys. I gave the letter and went to my parents. She called 8 times that night and wanted me to come home to talk more about it. I didnt but came home the next day(thur) night. Mistake. I thought things would have sunk in. She is still cold, defensive, and claiming she has no choice to avoid him because of school. I am now going back to my parents. It seems she did not take the letter serious. More important she doesn't take me serious. I refuse to accept excuses anymore. Thanks coach and star*fish
Bob

Way to be firm, Bob!