I'm heavily into Plan A, but I'm not sure I can hold on. I'll try to keep this brief. Basically,

1) It began on the internet

2) It went on for half-a-year undetected

3) It has been an emotional affair for the most part (I'm told)

3) He pretended to end it when I found out

4) I blasted them both via e-mail when the truth erupted in my face

5) Our phone numbers have been changed

6) She has e-mailed my child ( totally freaking her out) and sent her at least one card (which we found , he didn't give to her).

6b) After no. 6 I made it plain that this was harrassment in my eyes, and I would have take it to the authorities if she persisted.
(This from a elementary-school teacher. You wonder who has your kids all day ! )

7) He was asked to leave the house, which he did for about a week in which to decide whether to stay married or go off into the wild,blue yonder.

The latest is that she is still able to access him by cell phone. I asked him why he didn't just change the number/refuse to answer the calls? He said, "She's really hurt right now. I just wanted it to die down.

Am I on the simpleton channel or what? I don't think I can take much more. I have been loving and tried to be empathetic. Even to her -- the child-damaging "teacher".

Should I hang on or just forget it? Half of me says " This too shall pass. " I have a great support team, headed by none other than my mother-in-law. The other half says: " I have ideas on how to redecorate the living room, once he's out of the picture."

Thanks for reading. I needed to vent somewhere.

Hello..., anyone out there ?

Hi, I'm probably not the best person for advice. Is he back in the house, I think things will be harder with him being outside of the house. Have you read MB concepts. Sorry just jumping in here. You do want to save you m right? I do have one comment about

The latest is that she is still able to access him by cell phone. I asked him why he didn't just change the number/refuse to answer the calls? He said, "She's really hurt right now. I just wanted it to die down.

She should have thought about this before she started messing with a married man. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I thought you are only venting. Definitly you should hang in there but it doesn't mean that you should let him being a cake eater. What is your plan A and for how long ?. Have you work on the part that you contibute to this mess ?. Is he still living with you ?. Does he allow you to fillin his ENs ? do you even know his ENs and LBs ?.

One definite suggestions, I would let the A in the open. I would get into R.O if she presists. I would contact her school principal. If the email is sent using the school's email the better. I would pay visit to the principal office. If she is married, I would tell her H. How many people other than them, you & your kid knows about the A ?.

-rh-

He is back in the house. I'm wondering if that's such a great idea. We had agreed that he would end the affair before he returned. She's contacted him since by cell phone. He's agreed to have the cell-phone number changed, but it hasn't occurred, yet. His reply was to my question, " Why don't you just have the cell phone-number changed? ".

She is a single-mom with two small children. I don't want to cost her the job or put the children at additional risk. (With a Mom like that, I think they're already at risk. I mean she dated a married man whom she was introduced to on an internet site.) I have seen their picture and it just melted my heart.

I have read the book "His Needs, Her Needs" from cover to cover, and encouraged him to do the same. We discussed some of the chapters, particularly the one on honesty. Excuse me while I laugh...

Okay, so I'm clear on where I was not fulfilling his needs, although I refuse to accept an excuse for infidelity. I was never unfaithful to him; can't even stomach such activity.

Oh, well. At least the lights are on.

Hi Pauline,

My opinion is, since your H said "why don't you change the number" in my book that is the green light to change the number and I would. My H is one who will not do things such as this. Tell, him that since you asked me "why don't I change the number, well, I am going to make the call today"

As far as she goes, Tell your H you want a NC letter written, and you want to mail it. I would include in the letter that violation of this "no contact" and you will take further action such as a RO. Let her know you are serious. If your H is not willing to write one, at least send one on behalf of your child. I personally would include in their that if she attempts to contact me or my child again, I will contact the school you work for and let them know that you are harrassing my child and why, make sure you tell her that if you have to take it to this point, you will tell the school that you have told her to not contact you or your child. If your H won't write NC on his behalf, at least do it on your behalf and your childs. She already has proven that she will cross the line and contact your child.

And make sure you block her e-mail address from yours. (I don't know how to do this, I've heard it can be done)

Pauline,
I am no expert, just someone who has dealt with this situation.
My H had an affair three years ago. After a tremendous amount of ambivalence, back and forth, and separations, he decided he no longer wanted to be with the OW.
The problems didn't end. She would call him all the time. She cried. She left teary messages. It wouldn't end. He asked her to stop. She didn't.
IT TORE ME APART.
Here is what I learned. I CAN NO LONGER LIVE THAT WAY. It affected me mentally and physically. She called for about a year. Our therapist called it "torture."
Why didn't it stop? Because he didn't stop it. Yes, I heard many conversations in which he told her to stop. But he didn't change his number. He didn't ever hang up on her. There were two things going on. First, he probably was still ambivalent and it felt good to hear her voice. Second,he didn't want to hurt her any more than he already have. Note the skewed logic here: it is okay to hurt YOU because, after all, you "won." You got the "prize" (note the entitlement here)
I think if he really wants it to end, HE needs to SHOW YOU he wants that. That is how he can help you to heal. By him taking the initiative to do WHATEVER IT TAKES--changing number, getting a restraining order--he is showing his desire to end your pain. If you drag him through this, you have to ask why.
Take Care, Pauline!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by PaulineinPeril:
<strong>Okay, so I'm clear on where I was not fulfilling his needs, although I refuse to accept an excuse for infidelity. I was never unfaithful to him; can't even stomach such activity.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BS never never responsible for A. A is a choice the same way love is. BS contaminated the M (some time but I has witnessed it doesn't matter) but WS made the choice to cheat. WS always responsible for A. What I am trying to tell you is work on to remove that contaminants and start contibuting to the M. Learn to fullfill his ENs.

I agree with Sue, change the number pronto !. You could call the Cell Company or go to their local store, thye will change it in a second. Your WH needs help, he might need your help to end this ... he is in withdrawal, it is common. You have to be the strong one and change the cell. ALso he might be conflict avoidant person or ch1ck3n [censored] (sorry, I got emotional). Anyway change his cell# and also ask him to give you his email password to you and change the password to some mambo jumbo and throw it away.

I would gracefully tell the OW that if she doesn't stop you would report to the principal. If she doesn't you have to stop her otherwise how many other unsuspected MM would fall into her hand ?

Good work, -rh-

Oh Pauline, how I know what you are feeling. My H is living with OW and everyday I wake up and have to face this knowledge...it is heart wrenching and totally gutting feeling. My H too has a problem with ending it and hurting the OW's feelings. I continually ask, "Hey, what about me...my and my children were consulted in the feelings department when he chose to conduct an A." But you know what Pauline...let them continue to protect the OW. It is only a matter of time when the real witch appears and replaces the Goddess that they first thought. When they realize that the grass isn't greener, protection by the WS is often turned and they become the object of scorn....

Good Luck

Pauline, it is utterly intolerable for you to have this woman in your life -- and she IS in your life as long as your husband chooses to stay in contact with her. (That's exactly what he's doing -- choosing.)

You have to make him understand that he can do whatever he wants (you can't control his actions,) but she will not be in YOUR life any longer. That means you will do whatever it takes to get her out. If that means *you* change the cell phone number, or *you* call the school and make them aware of what's going on, or *you* throw *him* out because he refuses to get this garbage out of your life, that's exactly what you'll do.

Be prepared to do exactly these things -- and be prepared for him to dig in his heels and fight. Read all you can here on Plan A (exposing the affair and negotiating to end it) and Plan B (removing yourself from the torture of having a third party in your marriage.)

Whatever you do, please don't just sit back and hope he'll do the right thing on his own. He won't. This is something YOU have to do. Good luck.

<small>[ August 18, 2003, 11:37 AM: Message edited by: psycho_b ]</small>

Thanks for the support and recommendations. I definitely intend to pursue both the NC letter and the changing of the cell phone number is in progress.

I'll leave the job notification as a last resort. The last thing I want is for this woman to cry to my husband that I was the catalyst that caused her to lose the income she needs to feed her children.

For those of you facing the same issue, press on. I'm sure that light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter all the time.

***The last thing I want is for this woman to cry to my husband that I was the catalyst that caused her to lose the income she needs to feed her children.***

Pauline, you are NOT the catalyst that would cause her to lose her job, and don't let either one of them make you feel that you are.

Getting in trouble at work is a natural consequence of the choices SHE made. Don't try to protect her *or* your husband from the consequences, and don't you dare let your husband blame you if she loses her job.

That's why this lying and cheating garbage keeps going on and on and on -- the cheaters are protected, there are no consequences, and everybody gets away scot-free except for the betrayed spouse.

Don't protect her. She knew she was getting involved with a married man and chose to do it anyway. Let her deal with the consequences, not you, and maybe she'll think before pulling a stunt like this again.