The last 2 days my H and I got along great! I know, I know...it's only been 2 days, but we were arguing almost daily it seemed. So this is progress in my book. Yesterday I had told him I was going to come by and see the kittens our cat had, but I was busy moving and packing, and buying a new car for me (YAY!!!) that I never made it to his house. He told me today that he waited and waited and wondered where I was. (Ha ha...he was wondering about me now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ) Anyway, today, he told me how much he missed me, and told me I was beautiful when I walked in. He held me and said he loved me. No arguing about OW, no talk whatsoever about the #%&*^. (Sorry...but that's the name I have given her.) We had a nice day today together, starting with him calling me as soon as #%&*^ left for work. We moved dressers from my house (I have moved back in with my mom and dad...UGGGHHHHH!!!!...for financial reasons) back to his house for my S's room that he repainted for him. We went out for lunch..his treat...and had a very nice time. Nothing spectacular, but again...I'm looking for the small things, because this is not going to happen overnight as much as I would like it too. There were a few times I wanted to make a remark about #%&*^, but I kept MY MOUTH SHUT!!!! It felt good. And I think it surprised him also that I didn't say anything. I just smiled and turned the radio up and started singing like I didn't have a care in the world. He has now taken to calling her "her" or "she" instead of by her name around me. And I think that is a baby step also. When I left I told him that I had a nice time with him, and smiled. He smiled back and said he did too. We kissed and hugged and told each other I love you and that we'd miss each other, and he said he'd call whenever he could. I don't hold my breath on that one though, because the weekends she is off, and that means I don't see or talk to him. But he did say that he couldn't wait to get his cell phone back (it's being repaired) so that he can call me anytime. Which he does when she's not around him even if they are together. ie: when they were at the beach, he called and said that she was down by the water and he had a free minute by himself and called to tell me he loves me.

Mind games? I don't know. I don't doubt his love for me. But I don't understand what is so hard about ending his affair if I am the one he loves and wants to be with. (So he says)

Yesterday when we talked, we actually TALKED about some of the issues that lead up to my leaving him. We both admitted that our priorities were in the wrong place. That we both needed to make our marriage and each other our first priority, and learn not to take each other for granted. We both agreed that we did that, that we took each other for granted.

Well, I didn't intend this to be so long. But I just needed to talk about something good for a change. Now to write in my journal which I've neglected the last couple days. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Good work ... do you know what are his top 5 ENs ?. Try to fill in ... 3 things could comes out of it ... 1. He shut you down and put NC on you which is unlikely and you have to go to plan B. 2. He comes home and dump OW, praise the Lord 3. He become cake eater, in which you have to go to plan B at the right time.

-rh-

Well, I don't think he wants NC with me. In fact he just now called me at 1am to ask about my new car, and to tell me he misses me and loves me. Although he didn't mention her, I believe the OW was asleep while he called. The call was 1. late, 2. brief, and 3. he talked quietly. But, I really don't care, at least he called. Is he cake eating? Possibly. In the beginning, he definately was and I was allowing it or enabling it. Now, things have changed, I have changed. First and foremost, I have totally given our M to God and am trusting in Him for His will in my life. Second, the antidepressant I am on is finally working, and I don't feel so hopeless and despondant. I am able to notice the changes within myself and with my H, where before all I had was self-pity, resentment, anger, and impatience. Not to mention doubting God's will. I have given these all to Christ, and wow, do I feel better. I still hurt, I still feel jealous, and I still get angry, but when those feelings come, I just pray. I feel now that we are growing closer together, that we are both learning to see what put us in the position we are in now, and that we could possibly work on a resolution together. I do worry sometimes that he is cake eating, but we see each other so little that I can't really say what he's getting from me that isn't being fulfilled by the OW. Except love. That I know he doesn't get from her in the way he receives it from me. But, I am holding my head up high now, I am ready to face whatever it is that God is leading me to. And I pray that it is reconciliation soon.