I've posted elsewhere a number of times, so some of you are familiar with my situation.
Briefly, my husband had an A three years ago. It took about a year to end contact. It was miserable. In the meantime, we went to two years of MC, renewed our vows, and created what I thought was a near perfect marriage.

I learned a couple of weeks ago of another A. Originally he told me there was no PC, but he has since told me there was. We tried Plan A. Long story made short, he would not cut contact. I could not STAND the anxiety, wondering, etc. We moved to plan B. Now I have a few questions.

This is hard. Despite what he did, I miss him tremendously. On the other hand, I am feeling resentment starting to build in me. After all, he was willing to leave me for her but would not leave her for me. I am certain they are together. He says he loves me and will be back. I don't know what to believe. I DO know that I cannot take him back unless he has done a TREMENDOUS amount of work so that this doesn't happen again.

I have a few questions. First, how do I keep the resentment away so I don't "turn off" to the idea of reconcilliation? The more I think about it, the worse it gets. Second, it would seem that HOW he spends this time apart would be pivotal to the decision to get back together or not. It would seem that he could either choose to spend this time alone and use it to break emotional connections and contact with the OW, OR he could go to her until the relationship fizzles itself out. With the latter, he is doing nothing more than feeding narcissistic desires at my expense.

How have you all dealt with this? I am genuine in my willingness to take him back once there is NC and he is willing to go into MC with me. In the meantime, I don't want to mentally kill off any feelings I have for him.

As I sit here crying into my computer, he is probably in bed with Susie Homewrecker. This stinks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Susan,

Caught your message over on JFO. I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time. I don't blame you for being in tears....this is an awful situation.

I have a few questions. First, how do I keep the resentment away so I don't "turn off" to the idea of reconcilliation? The more I think about it, the worse it gets.

The reality is that it's your H's actions which are destroying your feelings. Believe it or not, Plan B is about the only way to preserve what love you have left...if you were exposed first hand to his affair while living together...your feelings for him would evaporate even faster. Having already done this to you once, I can only imagine how much harder it is to go on.

Second, it would seem that HOW he spends this time apart would be pivotal to the decision to get back together or not. It would seem that he could either choose to spend this time alone and use it to break emotional connections and contact with the OW, OR he could go to her until the relationship fizzles itself out. With the latter, he is doing nothing more than feeding narcissistic desires at my expense.

This was a worry that you expressed before Susan, and I completely agree with you. Personally, I would not have moved to Plan B because as you said...it just facillitated his narcissitic behavior, and his desire to have the affair, with the knowledge that when it petered out he could still come home. I don't say this very often....but I think that under your circumstances, I think I would be moving towards divorce instead of reconcilliation if he insisted on seeing this woman during separation. It would be one of my conditions for returning....because without even a reasonable amount of control, your future is at great risk for repeating this scenario. If his pattern is that he must play each of these things out....and he knows that once he's had his fill....you'll take him back...why should he change? I think you should file for legal separation. That sounds harsh...but in this case, I don't think it is. He needs to know that you can't and won't tolerate this....and that the choice this time...is that if he keeps seeing the OW...you don't want him.

How have you all dealt with this? I am genuine in my willingness to take him back once there is NC and he is willing to go into MC with me. In the meantime, I don't want to mentally kill off any feelings I have for him.

My husband had multiple affairs....but the two occasions were very far apart, and both ONS. So I situations are dissimilar. Also, they happened during marital crisis....not like with you....when things were going great. In a situation like that....there are steps that can be taken to improve marital intimacy and protect the marriage. How can you protect yours if your marriage is going so well...and he pulls this garbage. Your feelings for your husband are at risk because you can't see a way to prevent this from happening again. And I am sorry to say that I can't either....short of sending the message....a very STRONG message...that you ARE NOT going to live this way now or in the future. Plan B has simply lost it's power to protect you or your marriage because of his weakness and selfishness. I'm not a bit surprised that you find your feelings draining away. Take some power Susan, because I fear that you will otherwise be setting yourself up with a man who can't delay gratification long enough to be a good marriage partner. I'm going to have a chat with cerri about this and get a second opinion for you....but this is mine. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

((((((((((Susan))))))))))))))

I've got you in my prayers chere.

Thanks for finding me on this board star*fish, and I am glad your computer is back online!
I kinda thought that is what you would say.

I want to hang in as long as I can, but you're right. I can't have ANY assurance this won't happen again. The fact that he has gone to her and "must" play it out is a demonstration that his narcissism is far greater a force than his love for me. He must know that this is killing me.

He seems sincere in his desire to work on himself. It would seem that the only way to really do that is to do it outside the context of the affair. The work would largely be done during the grieving for his relationship with her and for our marriage. Doesn't that make sense? Has anyone else dealt with this?

Star*fish, let me know what Cerri says. I am at wits end here.

Susan,

Catching cerri on weekends is really hard...even if she is on, she doesn't always answer because she is coaching. But I will try to get her attention as soon as I can. I'm sure the wait is excruciating....but I just wanted to let you know that realistically it might take some time. Hang in there chere.

Oh, and if you ever want to find me for sure....post a message to me on the EN board...that's where I spend the most time. I've been going over to JFO more than I used to, but not nearly as much as EN cuz I started out there when I first came.

I am completely freaking out. I just can't take this anymore.
How do you guys do is?
The thought of him out there living the life of Ryan while I sit here crying my eyes out is unbearable. I cannot function. I just can't stand it anymore.

I NEED AN END TO THIS MADNESS!!!

I keep telling myself--this is a bad man. He is a narcissist who cannot truly love me, right? Then I desparately don't want to believe that. And either way, how can I love him so much with the way he has treated me? Why, why, why? What kind of man could do this? The pain is just excruciating.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SusanBT:
<strong>How do you guys do is?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">3 months after plan A'ng my gut out I ran out gas, I retreat for a week skiing at Mt. Bachelor, OR (Bend). A family freind drove a motorhome and took my 2D while I am at the cabin. I could go on for a long time until she filed <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . With the help of Paxil ... I was under the medication for a few months starting the day she filed and put NC on me and SH told me to plan B.

HANG IN THERE {{{{((((CYBER HUG))))}}}}

Even a narcissist is capable to love someone ... at least to love himself. It is his choice !.
-rh-

<small>[ August 17, 2003, 01:06 AM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Even a narcissist is capable to love someone ... at least to love himself. It is his choice ! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks, Redhat.

I'm just falling apart. I just keep asking myself what kind of person I am married to. Do I really want that? But why do I love him so much? And what about the life we've built together for the last thirteen years that is now all lies ?

I have some meds, but I just can't go on day to day living like this. I just need to move one direction or the other.

>>Do I really want that?
<<You decide, this is why you need to take a break and look deep into it and decide.

>>But why do I love him so much?
<<He must fillin your tops ENs or you are in dire need of IC from your self.

>>And what about the life we've built together for the last thirteen years that is now all lies ?
<<Some of it and some it is not ... the true is in between.

Again I told you before to take a break from all of this and I am still telling you to do so. Take a week or at least long weekend some place away from home and away from your WH & kids. Go to B&B in a costal area for a few days.

-rh-

Susan,

I'm going to make a suggestion to you about where to find more folks going through the same thing that you are. The GQII board has a support thread for folks who are in Plan B. Post to Mortarman....who I believe is one of the best folks on the board for Plan B. It's amazing how many people are doing the same thing you are.....so post over there too. I haven't seen cerri on at all....but as soon as I do....I'll let you know.

(((((((((((Susan))))))))))))))

Thanks, star*fish. I did just that. Things seem abundantly clear to me right now. I just don't like what I see. I just wish I could get through this. It is taking a real toll on me. I don't handle ambivalence well. If I am going to be on my own, I need to make and emotional break and start some logistical things to arrange to live alone. Everytime I look around I see him.

How is it going. Like you said on your post in what do NC really mean, our situation seems so similar. Rollercoaster emotions are hard while on Plan A.

Just wanted to know how you are handling things this days and update on what is goin on with you.

Hi Everyone,
Sorry it has been a while. Basically, I wigged out in Plan B and he decided to come home. Unfortunately, it didn't last. Although he promised NC, she continued to call and he continued to be haunted by memories. Eventually he started initiating contact himself.
We're back to Plan B.
Folks, I don't know how you do this. I am already feeling angry, resentful, but above all SOOOOOO sad. I can't believe that the man I've loved so much and so long could do this to me and the kids.
Any ideas on how to get over the maddening thoughts of the two of them together? Here I sit crying all the time and sickenly depressed while he is off having all of his needs met.
HOW DO YOU HANDLE THIS? I JUST CAN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is so, so, so horrible....

I know how you feel. I started a post awhile back called Constantly in Denial on the general questions forum. My WW came home for 2 days then left again. I just started plan B a few days ago. My daughters were my W's life before. Everything she did was for them. She calls usually once a day and maybe sees them once a week. What kind of person would abandon their kids like that? I hope it is the fog that makes them do what they do. I am sorry you are going through this and hope things will work out for you. Just remember that most affairs end. It's just a matter of time. And what more do we have than time? I know you feel terrible and so do so many of us, but we are here to support you. Keep posting and we'll be here for you... I know I wouldn't have made it this far without the people here...

SusanBT,

How many times Orchid's H did this ... just ask her ... Hang in there. You have to up the condition before taking him back. I would even wait until start going to MC ... NC letter is a must. Withdrawal is real and he has to work with you. You did the right thing by going back to plan B ... however next time deliver his NC to OW yourself & after the first MC session before taking him back.

-rh-

Still in Plan B, but we've had contact, so I guess it isn't a true B.
I think I believe that if he doesn't have any contact with me then it will be much easier for him to just throw in the towel on our marriage. After all, this man seems to be just begging anyone to make this "decision" FOR him.
I was doing okay for a few days. I had hopes of getting back together which were fraught with ambivalence. Then I really started to feel like I want to stay on my own....for good. Then I saw him today and I am back to that fence sitting place again. I had been feeling so much better.
I know....no contact. But that just made me want no marriage.
You guys know my situation. I am getting madder by the minute. WHO THE HEck DOES SHE THINK SHE IS--JUST MOVING IN ON MY HUSBAND, ANYWAY?
How long is reasonable here before I can start really moving on?

SUSANBT,

I've been in plan B for about 2 weeks now. It's been a true plan B. My only contact is through my 2 daughters. I haven't even seen my wife. It was tough the first week, but this last week was really good. I don't have the full emotional ups and downs I was having during the time leading up to plan B. Plan B is about emotionally detaching from your spouse so you don't fall out of love with him/her. If you've done a good plan A and have had a decent marriage up to this point, you shouldn't worry too much about your husband. Either he will come back or he won't, but its not up to you, it is up to him. You can't change that. He may want you to fight with him or for you to give him a divorce, but it is his way of shifting blame from himself to you. Let him do all the LB'ing and be as nice as you can without being a doormat. Let him get the divorce papers together. If you leave it up to him, he'll likely not do anything. He is expecting you to make the decisions because he is in doubt of what he really wants and if you do the work, you are enabling him. Go into a good plan B. Not only will it piss him off but it'll make you feel much better. But, you must go into a full plan B. I'm not going to say that I'm in any position to give good advice, but it seems to be working for me. There are some good people here to listen to. Keep posting and reading. You'll get through this.

BS(me)38
WW 36
D'S 13 & 16
D-Day 3JUL03
WW moved IN WITH OM 16JUL03
PLAN B 30AUG03

How long is reasonable here before I can start really moving on?
2.5 years from d-day.

Lost--You're so right. I know I really need to do that. Of course, right now we are really, really close and I worry that if I pull back... But then again, knowing there is ANOTHER WOMAN IN HIS LIFE is just killing me. I just can't stand it. So how is it now, lost? Have you found peace? Has she tried to contact you? You are right. There isn't anything more I CAN do. The choice is his, even if he is trying to get me to make it for him. Its funny, but my H's first A was with a woman like your W. She eventually walked completely on her second set of kids. Go figure.
Chris-2 1/2 YEARS ? Every DAY is a struggle! ::whimper!:: Can I start counting from d-day of his FIRST affair? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hi Susan,

I'm so sorry to hear your story. I just can't believe that people have A's when things are going well in their M. For me, I knew our M was crap, but it still doesn't make it any easier.

Did you try a Plan A at all? I really don't know how BS' do it. If I follow the MB principles, I need to sit back and not say anything while WS is screwing OW? It just kills me.

And I can understand your pain in Plan B. He's doing what he wants while you're trying to pick up the pieces. Outrageous! I've been warned not to go to Plan B too soon, but to work a very good Plan A. I just don't know how much longer I can do it.

I wonder what the 2.5 years really means? Are we supposed to work Plan A/B for that long or is that when we can emotionally move on from this relationship?

Well, I will pray for peace of mind for you today. (((Hugs)))