LWH it sounds like both of you need time to cool off after your love bust fest. If your WW approaches you once more with a desire to come back home, indicate to her CALMLY AND RESPECTFULLY that you will only agree to this if she WILLINGLY agrees to the following:

1. To end all contact with the OM forever by sending him a no contact letter which she must allow you to review before sending it.

2. To AGREE AND IMPLEMENT to a marital recovery plan based on the The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage .

If she doesn't want to accept these conditions then convey to her that the it may be best for the two of you to move on with your lives (you have to accept this possibility whether you like it or not).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lost-without-her:
<strong>So, she is back with OM and I'm back at square 1. I did a lot of LBing in those few minutes I lost it. She may never be able to recover from this. She saw a side of me that neither of us had ever seen and it wasn't pretty.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are not in square 1, you have learned your lessons and earned your stripes. Live, Love & Learn. Don't give her excuses of staying with OM. You know very well that w/ or w/o your LBed she will end up there sooner or later. It is very convinient to use your LB'ng event as an excuse.

Go back to plan B and be a borken record if she call you ... follows TMCM's advice and repeat it like mantra then told her no to call you if she won't follow it ... hung up on her.

-rh-

I would not beleive her for a minute when she said she stopped by there to say good bye to the OM, my WW was caught several times with the OM and that was the standard excuse, that she was breaking it off.

A NC letter would have served the same purpose, dont beleive her at this point, not a word, protect yourself and your children, God knows these people in the A's, could care less about their family and it is just another thing left for us BS's to do, take all the fall out of these self serving a##holes.

Take it easy rookie, feeding that anger won't do you any good ... take along walk. -rh-

LWH,

I want you to stop and really think about something. Please listen to this carefully. You do NOT have to apologize to her or anyone here for getting angry at her and yelling at her. Yes, she saw a side to you she has never seen, and so did your children. But, what you don't understand is that they all saw the side that was deeply hurt, the side that was angry, the side that showed you do have a backbone and you will stand for what is right.

You didn't fail LWH, you in my opinion did exactly the right thing. Your W has been playing along as if you should just understand, you should just accept, and that your children will find HER ADULTERY acceptible. IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE, and I do think that you showing your anger, you hurt, your pain, this one time is probably a good thing.

I agree with the others, she was not over there to break it off. She was just cheating again. It is time a little PASSION was introduced, and since this is NOT your normal behavior or even behavior you have ever done, I think the 180 will make her think. At first she will use it as a excuse to see OM, but even your daughter realizes that this outburst occured because she had already lied to you and was with OM. I also think it is a message your D will not forget. Cheating does hurt people,and it is very painful for all concerned when the cheater is caught.

Buddy, don't hang you head. YOU did the right thing in my mind. You stood up for yourself, and there is NOW no doubt that you will not tolerate her behavior.

Hang in there, and do your best to wait out your W. She wanted to come home, and as Harley points at first the WS will bargin. Your W tried that, then she thought she won, and went over to see OM. She now knows that you will not bargin with adultery. She will back off and blame, but the bottom line is that she is STUCK with OM, and that is NOT the bargin she really wants.

God Bless,

JL

Hi LWH,

First of all, my heart and prayers go out for you in all of your pain.

I don't believe for a moment she was breaking it off w/ OM. She just used your LB'ing as an excuse for going back with him, but she had already intended to go back to him. So what she
told you wasn't the truth.

I don't blame you for being as angry as you were. You trusted her again, and she broke the trust again!! I don't think it was that bad to show her your anger. At least you weren't passive. I don't believe you need to apologize for your anger at all. She needed to see that, but not use it against you to justify her going to OM. That's where she went wrong, and she was not honest w/ you. Betrayal Again!!! And you need to let her know that you know that, so she doesn't think you're believing her reason for leaving. She's manipulating you now and trying to make you feel bad that you were angry over her A. Don't feel bad that you were angry. You have every right to be, as long as you are not violent in your anger, I think it's o.k. I wouldn't advise it much more though, just so the anger and bitterness doesn't destroy you.

Hang in there. Be easy on yourself, do not beat yourself up. You've already been beat up enough by her. Be good to yourself and children. And "tough love," NC would be the best way to go. I know it's difficult.

Ladysheep

Thanks for all the support. I finally realized that I can't change my wife's mind or tell her what to do. I think I was kinda thinking I could up 'til now. So, I said to myself, let her go, let her do her thing, I won't stand in her way and I'll let this ride to the end. When she is ready and willing to make "our" life a priority and leave the OM, then we can work on our marriage. I am also tired of letting me be second best. So, today, I went out and bought myself some new clothes to go along with this new body of mine. I've lost about 40lbs in the last 6 months. I feel better about myself and I felt I deserved something for me! No clearance racks this time, the full treatment. I'm also feeling better about myself. This feeling may only last for a day or two, but I'm enjoying it right now.
I kinda scared myself the other day. I didn't realize I had that in me. I hope I never do that again, but you are right, I showed my true feelings and now she knows how I feel. Again, thanks for all the support. I'll keep you all posted and I'll keep reading others' posts....

I recently had an affair too. My husband has been very understanding but my reason for working it out are because i love him and want to make him happy. if your wife doesnt want to come home for you i would not let her. Marriage isnt about kids. I have two children but if my sistuation was like yours it would be an option. Kids need parents but if she doesnt love you, your home wont be a happy one and your kids will sense it. i think it would be harder on them than her being gone. My advice is this. If you would be unhappy having her around because you know how she feels dont let her. Your happiness is important and Marriage is about husband and wife If that isnt important to her she doesnt deserve to com home!!

I didnt see your last post. I think you are doing the right thing, good for you! And I am glad you have lost weight and feel good about yourself. Good luck and hang in there!!

The next time she wants to come home, tell her you may let her come home after having MC for a while. Do not believe the reason she was a the OM house. She knew the rules, she made her decision when she went back to OM house.

Lost without her

I agree with everyone, do not take her back, do not allow her to even convince you to move back in. My WW too, wanted her marriage, family back and after thinking about it, she is only doing it to save face with her family, and her kids. I told her that she has to prove to me that is what she really wants, because she in fact still does not know what she wants. As I posted earlier today that she has started going to Coda for support and help.

She thought that I would have my arms open and just aloow her to move back in and everything would be perfect like it was before, she thought wrong because having her back right now would have been a big mistake. She now lives with her brother (temporary) and still visits the kids and we are still going ahead with the divorce. When she ready to committ again and realizes what she wants, as they say divorce is only a piece of paper. Stay strong and hang in there.

Not much new to post. Thanks for all the support. My youngest D told me yesterday she will not stay with W while she is with OM. Before she would spend the night there but she says she hates OM even more now. She said she would only stay with W if she moved into her own place. I guess that's a plus on my part. With all I know about the OM and my W, I know their days are numbered. Whether she and I will ever reconcile is up to her...

I think my W expects me to leave her. MIL seems to think so also. MIL called last night and she was drunk. She told me I should get a girlfriend! What kind of crap is that!!! I told her I was still married to her D and would not do anything to make things worse. I don't think she really understood what I was saying - she was just too wasted. I know my W grew up in a messed up family. Her mother and father both had affairs. Both of her brothers had affairs also. So, I guess she thinks I'll do the same... She is wrong though and I hope we can break this cycle of infidelity. I don't want my kids growing up and ending up in a relationship like this...

Anyway, I'm trying to stay positive. Not making a whole lot of contact with W. I see her every once in a while because of the kids. I still haven't gone into plan B. Our 17th anniversery is Sept 18th and if nothing good has happened by then, I will go into plan B. Again, thanks for the support....

More power to you LWH

My situations similar to yours. My WW is head over heels with an alcoholic OM. My teenaged D can't stand OM and won't stay with WW even when OM isn't there. So far WW is glad to be free of the responsibility of taking care of D even part time so she can have more free time with OM.

Sometimes I get lonely but like you, I have to be a standard for my D to look up to. I can't have her think that marriage vows are just for when they are convienient. I would be saying that to her if I dated.

My D lost respect for my WW but still hopes she will straighten her life out. I feel good though. The longer Plan B goes on, the weaker my WW gets while I keep getting stronger. I lived my life through my W but I can stand on my own now if I have to.

God bring them back to the light.

My depression started setting back in this week. I'm kinda back to my old ways. Laying around the house and eating again. At least before, I couldn't eat because I had no appetite. So, I thought to myself, get angry and I won't feel this way. Well, that kinda worked but then I was not happy about being angry at the W. I decided it was time for plan B. I had already stopped contact for the last few days anyways. I wanted to wait until after my anniversary that will be on the 18th of this month-17years. I had planned to give my W some roses and a card. Well, gave my W the plan B letter today. I couldn't keep putting myself through the punishment of seeing her with OM. She went looking at a new apartment for her and OM today. My oldest D went with her. I gave the plan B letter to my D to give to W. I'm sad, depressed, angry and just tired. I need a break from all this. I wish I could just sleep for about a week without any thoughts going through my head!!! I'm hoping the N/C will help me move ahead and not feel so darn crappy all the time...

lost-without-her,

Get your support system helping ... freinds/family/pastors/MBer .... Also get medication if you need it. If you need to "talk" faster than this board ... some of us have IM and I have a cell phone - "minutes w/o limit" - could call back anywhere in US at "no cost" (flat monthly subscription).

Get busy w/ set schedule ... even over subscribe yourself. Such as get a personal trainer at the local gymn ... so you have to go <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . Don't let your mind linger ... that is the worst.

Hang in there.
-rh-

You should change your posting name to "not lost without her". If you look at your future as being dismal it will be. No one should be made the center of one's universe. Happiness comes from within .

Hello all. I do not seem to post much anymore. I am still in plab B, wondering from day to day if papers will be served, oh well. Plan B and turning the whole thing over to God has made me a much better person through this. I am not constantly thinking about it as I was before (I still think about it, just not day/night). I asked the Lord to help me and work on bringing me closer to him. While he is working on me he is also working on my spouse. Getting closer to God helps to release a lot of pressure from you which is extremely healthy. Prayers really help to ease the pain. Find a good christian person to befriend and talk to. Read lots of books on this subject. Improve yourself and your spouse will notice, I know mine sees little things here and there. Give it time and it will all work out. My spouse is now living with the OM, really hurts, but it is actually good because the realities of life are surely hitting them everyday. I assume they are still in their bubble most of the time, but problems arise also. Pray for yourself and for your spouse.

Tim

lost,
in the end, we are all alone with the choices we make. it is up to each of us to do what is best for ourselves and for those we chose to help. we have the ability to make choices if we simply exercise the will to do so.

my point here is that if you decide to make a concious choice to lean on only yourself for the inner peace and joy that you wish to TAKE out of life then it can and will happen.

right now you're going throgh an intervall in time...and a very hurtful interlude it is. but how you lean to react to the adversity can be the making of your charachter as a man and person! if you chose to see this aspect of the situation then you can take this as a posative, and go on with your life a much stronger and better person.

please don't let this experience defeat you. so many here, (and other places i'm sure) are on your side,...preying for you and wishing you only all that's good. please try to take heart form these good feelings.

coach

Thanks to all that keep supporting me. I'm doing ok. Decided to go to a friends going away party. The weather was awsome. We had some good food, sat around and talked and joked around, then we all went bowling. These guys from work are some characters let me tell you. Especially when you get a little alcohol in their system. We bowled for about 3 hours. It was probably the best time I've had since all the started. And I didn't even touch a drop of alcohol. Got in about 1:30 this morning. It was a good day.

Today I started doing the old housework stuff. Was washing clothes when my daughter woke up. I asked my daughter if she had talked to her mom today. She said she had and didn't say anything more. So, me being dumb, pushed a little further and asked how her mom was. She said she was going to pick berries with the OM today. She must have taken the day off, because she usually works during the weekend. Today was OM's birthday. This got me a little depressed. But, I'm gonna get through all this one way or another. I feel alot closer to my daughters now at least. Neither of them want to spend time with their mom while OM is around. I know eventually my W's needs for her kids will start to wear on her and somethings gonna happen...

Well, just wanted to say thanks to all of you and tell you I'm doing ok. Still have alot of highs and lows, but I will get through this. Thanks again...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lost-without-her:
<strong>So, me being dumb, pushed a little further and asked how her mom was. ....</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We have been there too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> . The best way for you is don't ask and don't tell <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . Act as if she doesn't exist.

I am glad you have fun. I am watching Raiders get nipped ...

rh