Karena,
I hope you don’t feel as if you have to leave. I’ve been with you from the start and I know what an excruciating process this can be, so I hope you’ll stick around and get support if you feel as though you have to move into the next phase. I am amazed at how much stronger you have become over time here. When you first arrived, you were so devastated by the abandonment of your husband, especially for your children. I have watched your anger and bitterness subside, your self esteem return, and with it, the knowledge that you can move forward without your H if his addiction to this OW is more than he is capable of breaking.
Plan B is a horribly lonely time for the BS, and is made even more difficult by the knowledge that the WS has another person to care for them and protect them while you are left to pick up the pieces of the devastation they have left behind. Still, I think you have used your time wisely to strengthen your resolve and become the kind of person who can make it on your own. You are so special and beautiful. I’m sure that you won’t be alone for long and one day soon, your H will regret his decision to wait so long that your love for him is draining away. Like you, I had so hoped that he would find the fortitude it takes to break free of this destructive relationship and come back home. If only he could see into the future, and realize how much he will lose…..but hindsight is 20/20 as they say.
I especially feel for your children. I hope his recent contact is not known to them because it would be heart breaking to raise their hopes only to find out he isn’t coming home. Perhaps some counseling will help them deal with these issues….I know how destructive the feeling of being abandoned by a parent can be….I have experienced it first hand.
But I agree with you, waiting forever is not an option. If your husband can’t break free of the hold this woman has on him and he just continues to dangle carrots, you won’t be able to maintain feelings for him. Further, if you aren’t important enough to him to give you his full attention, his indecision will just hurt you over and over again. I hope you can hang on just a little bit longer chere….because I think that he wants to come home and I truly believe he loves you. The things the two of you shared in the past were unique and special and those feelings don’t evaporate. I have a feeling he is seeing this other woman for who she really is….not a better choice….just an easier or more convenient one. He must miss your intelligence and class. He must miss his children. He must miss coming home at night and knowing that his life is in order and right with God.
That’s the way it is with affairs. At their height, the OP seems perfect and a reasonable escape….but instead it’s like jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire. All relationships require work….marriages….and even affairs….but until an OW has to fulfill the needs that you did all those years, it’s so hard for the BS to realize just how hollow those relationships are, how inept this new person is, or just how much they want to go home.
What keeps them there? I think it varies….but it’s mostly fear and shame. Fear that they’ll return home to find the same relationship they fled. And the shame of having to face the consequences. If they only knew that there are far worse consequences than the ones they’ll experience when coming home. They don’t realize that the BS is changed as much by the crisis as the WS and that it is a rare opportunity to build a better marriage without the vulnerability that it had before. It’s often a wake up call for both partners. I have experienced that with my husband…..and I know…..that in a strange way, the A has made our marriage stronger and our bond closer. It preserved my family for my children…..and that made the pain of surviving it worth it to me.
For what it’s worth, I think you have made a valiant effort to save your marriage and give him the time to work through the selfishness of this affair. It’s not enough to want to come home…..he must act….or eventually the opportunity is lost forever. I know you have reached that point. You’ve let him know you want him to come home. You’ve continued to love him and protect him. You’ve followed the best course of action you could find to help him realize that his marriage is a better choice. Again, I know you feel as if you can’t wait much longer before your love for him is completely destroyed, but I hope you will try. Somehow, I just don’t think this is over. I respect whatever choice you make, but I am putting you in my prayers and asking God to hold you in his arms and bring your husband home. If you ever want to contact me, just let me know.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{karena}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
