If you haven't read my posts in the past - I was with my fiance for seven years. We lived together, bought a house together, and had a child together (not planned) but never quite got around to the actual getting married.

Anyway I did a good plan A and then sent my Plan B letter on August 5 - almost 5 months after he left (March 7)- a little long I am afraid. I did this on the advice of a coach - whom I trust. I put my Plan B letter in his car and mailed the letter to the OW the same day. Well - apparently according to his sister - "something upset him pretty bad the first part of the week and they went to pick up a marriage license and just got married". I can't believe that giving him what he said he wanted NC - would upset him so much.

I can't believe that after seven years of being with me he would just go off and marry this girl who is obviously not stable either in five months. Five months to the day he left me, August 7. Part of me thinks he did this on purpose to hurt me - timing wise. Or maybe he was trying to prove to everyone that he never did love me that is why we didn't get married - but he must love OW since they did. On top of which it must be true love that is why they did it so quick.

What a mess! I am still reeling from this rollercoaster of emotions. I thought NC would be easier or maybe make him think - but it hurts.

I need some reassurance - Will this last? Am I holding on to something that was never there? Is there still hope for us - even though he actually married her? Did I do this? I am so confused - if you can't tell.

<small>[ August 19, 2003, 02:33 PM: Message edited by: cnf ]</small>

I'm sorry, so sorry to hear this and know how much you are hurting over all this.

There are more experienced people on here who can give you good advice - keep posting and take a deep breath.

Do you have others to support you right now getting through all this???

It does sound like he did this to "punish" you - do you still love him?

Do you want him back or are you just reeling from the stunning reaction????

If you want him, then keep asking for advice here, others will pop in.

Cajeanie

Thanks for the quick response CaJeanie!

I am spinning - his family is spinning. No one quite knows what to do. Apparently his family - when the announced their engagement, 3 months after he left us, didn't say a word. Not congrats, are you insane, nothing! They didn't know what to say. They didn't tell me because they were hoping it would just go away. Our friends and family really feel like just giving up on him. My family of course wants me to move on - his family doesn't know what to think - they are afraid he is going to hurt someone or something - because he is acting so weird - they just don't know what to think. (he has never been violent) Three of his family members tried to talk him out of getting married. Which probably didn't help! To put it mildly - no one is happy with his decisions right now.

/Do you have others to support you right now getting through all this???/
Kindof - most of my friends hate him for what he has done and don't think very highly of me for wanting it to work. They say it is time to move on. I really only have one person who will listen and hold me when I cry and weird as it is - it is the mother of my stepson. Who hopes that we do get back together and loves me to death.

/It does sound like he did this to "punish" you - do you still love him?/
It does to me too! But how sick is that? Why punish me more than he already has? Why do this to our daughter? I don't understand - where the logic of his actions are - I mean I understand the "fog" but this is a bit much. Yes! I do love him with everything inside of me. I want him to just come home and for this nightmare to be over. I had no idea this was coming. It was a very sudden thing.

/Do you want him back or are you just reeling from the stunning reaction????/
Yes! I do want him back! More than anything - I want the man I knew to come home and be the father he was and the partner he had become. Not the person he is now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cajeanie:
<strong>

If you want him, then keep asking for advice here, others will pop in.

Cajeanie</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I really dont think there is anything she can do.......DUDE IS REMARRIED. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Wow Startinover - that was pretty harsh! Maybe I am being sensative - but I thought I would receive some support not somehting that was so brutal! I am sure someone on this site has experienced eratic behavior such as this and has something to share about their experience.

<small>[ August 19, 2003, 03:13 PM: Message edited by: cnf ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cnf:
<strong>Wow Startinover - that was pretty harsh! Maybe I am being sensative - but I thought I would receive some support not somehting that was so brutal! I am sure someone on this site has experienced eratic behavior such as this and has something to share about their experience.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WHAT???! Hey, Im sorry....but, its the truth. What can you do? Im not being insensitive, Im just stating fact. Do you think your fathers child will have the marriage inulled??? I dont understand what you want me to say? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I can say lots of things that you want to hear, but reality is reality. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ August 19, 2003, 03:17 PM: Message edited by: StartinOver ]</small>

Well .... what were you thinking of doing?

You have limited choices. "I want the man I knew to come home": is, sadly, not one of your currently available choices.

Make a list of your choices, and then discuss which choices are healthy for you and your child.

Marrying a "friend" who betrayed her friendship with you, and she keeps a Barbie collection .... well, I'd say their chances of long term bliss .... slim to none.

He is who he is right now, a married man with a Barbie collection and a wife who is capable of betraying a friend .... not exactly the recipe for joy.

Keep yourself healthy. I think your best chance is to stay as far away from their mess as possible.

Make it impossible to blame you when their little Barbie house collapses!

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong>Make it impossible to blame you when their little Barbie house collapses!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah......this WILL probably happen. Their relationship doesnt sound too stable anyhow. cnf....is this the man you really want back? A man that left with your friend and then married her on the spur of the moment.....after he helped create your child? I would look into contacting the attorney general and picking up on child support.

I don't know what I was expecting! I guess I thought this would be a good place to see if someone had gone through something similiar - I know the "fog" causes WS's to do some pretty weird stuff. I guess I thought that I would get something along the lines - that this will not last so give it some time and space, or this is somewhat typical of "fog" behavior or stay strong. Not something like "give up" it is over - there is no way in H*ll he will ever come back now. I don't know! Maybe I shouldn't have posted!

First off you didn't make him get married that's crazy. If we all had that kind of control our spouses would never have affairs.

I've read in a book that upon the discovery of the affair one partner will try and move the affair relationship to another level (marriage is mentioned) to justify what they did was and in an attempt to hold onto the other partner. This may be exactly what your husbands doing.

I think you need to stay in Plan B. You started it and if you go back your only showing your weekness in your plan.

As for not loving you and all the other BS don't believe it. My WW said she was unhappy for years but when I asked what she was unhappy about she couldn't give me a straight awnser.

As for them getting married don't make such a big deal out of it. After all it's very easy to get married. A few words and some I do's and thats it. It's the level of commitment between two people that matters the most not some piece of paper. Heck I'm married and my Wife had an affair.

Work on yourself and try to move forward. Maybe in time He will come back and maybe in time you won't want him back. good luck!

Thanks Pep and Startinover! That was more what I was looking for! Sorry Starinover!

I am looking at moving out of state - coming home once a month for WH to see our child and letting him come to visit once a month as well. He is not seeing her regularly right now anyway - a complete 180 from when we were together. It's like we dropped off the face of the earth until a twing of guilt hits him.

I have plan B'd and sent letters to both - that is apparently what caused him to marry OW so quickly.

I needed reassurance that more than likely this will not last. OW seems to be unstable - I really don't want her around my child. She has already made my stepson feel like he is nothing worth being around. I feel so badly for him. I just don't understand how WH can't see it.

/Marrying a "friend" who betrayed her friendship with you, and she keeps a Barbie collection .... well, I'd say their chances of long term bliss .... slim to none.

He is who he is right now, a married man with a Barbie collection and a wife who is capable of betraying a friend .... not exactly the recipe for joy.

Make it impossible to blame you when their little Barbie house collapses!/

I love that Pep! Very true! Makes me feel better and laugh a little too. I probably will be blamed no matter what. As irrational as they both are right now.

Startinover! I do truely love him! Yes! I want it to work. Don't WS's usally have affairs or leave for someone they know? - she was more his friend than mine - very new to our group - only about 6 months. She was also leaving in February 2003 to be with her boyfriend in Virginia. I didn't think of her as a threat in any way - we were not close friends.

I have as part of Plan B - set into motion Child Support enforcement - just in case. He has been good about paying his child support! Not about seeing her but about paying. It is very strange - this is a man who would come home and get her out of bed if she was there and bring her in bed with us for awhile and on the weekends he would spend every waking moment with us. Until just before he left. How he could go from that to this - I will never know.

Thanks Goodguy! I needed that!

What was the name of the book - that talked about such behaviors???? I need another book to read!!!LOL. Really I would love to know!

I don't think their marriage is a big deal. I think that they just did it because they are getting such a negative reaction on how "in love" they are. Plan B letters were just icing on the cake! I don't think it was me - just a combination of things.

Thanks again

<small>[ August 19, 2003, 04:25 PM: Message edited by: cnf ]</small>

cnf......quick question....you say you have a stepson....is this your former bf son from a previous relationship? Just out of curiousity, how did you and your former bf meet? Had he been married before, or have his son out of wed lock? This information is very important in order to see if you former bf makes a pattern of leaving a relationship.

My new wife's EX husband is now on his 3rd marriage........he cheated in his first marriage, on my now wife, and will probably cheat on his new wife. He is a habitual cheater.......tigers do not change their stripes.

cnf,

Don't take that plan B is pushing him to marry OW !, if xBF say so, he is a bunch of bulls!t. Do you think OW will allow him to stay in "their brand new home" w/o getting M ?. You know that the next thing they do is having a children together. You should go far away from this mess and force plan B until your LB$ running low then move on with your life. You don't want to be OW that break his M.

I agree with startinover. Go to the court house and file in a motion to request child support, in CA you could do this w/o lawyer.

-rh-

Yes! Startinover - he has a pattern of cheating! He was married right out of High School - had two children in four years and they both cheated on each other. Then he played the field and had a son as a result of that.

We met before his son was born but after he had broke it off with her (a three month relationship). We had been together for 7 years. Mostly good. He has had a problem with infidelity his whole adult life. "Yes - I was the one who was going to change him!" We are not married - we were engaged to be married and kept putting it off for various reasons. Not because we didn't love each other but because we both felt that in our hearts we had already made the vows. Silly I know.

Anyway, he had an affair three years ago - the fog lifted very quickly in that instance and we reconciled 5 weeks after the affair began and made new commitments to one another. We had a baby girl in March of 2002 - she is beautiful and the love of our lives.

On March 7, 2003 he said that he didn't love me anymore and hadn't loved me for two years - and moved out that day. On March 9, he moved into an apartment with a girl we had known through hot air ballooning.

Starinover - I am hoping you are wrong! I want him to be the person I know he can be. I believe people can change if they really want to.

Dear CNF,

My deeper sympathy.

I had last posted in response to your post under General Questions II, 8-15, where you had last posted.

I pasted it in here, but you might check your rigths as a common law wife in your jurisdiction.

I had kept looking for new posts, hoping things would go your way.

Dear CNF,

I have read a few of your posts, but I have not seen how the money is coming from WH. It would seem that you should be entitled to child support. Some jurisdictions will also require the father to pay for college.

Sorry you had to sell your snake. You seem confident that you have your house on the market for a good price. Have you carefully checked the recent comparable sales? Real estate has gone up quite a bit with the reduction of interest rates.

Where will you move? You say you are working Plan A, but you do not seem to have time alone with your WH? Could you arrange to go out to dinner? What areas of MB 10 areas of emotional needs were you focussing on in your relationship with WH? What could you change up now?

I have not seen you mention 180 Degree Divorce busters, or what you might have tried?

You seem to put stock in what your husband says. A relationship with a child involved depends upon a power structure. Your crying may indicate that you feel you have little power.

I don't usually post in this category, but just came across your thread. What are the requirements of a commonlaw marriage in your jurisdiction. You say that you are not married, but are you sure? Have you talked to a lawyer? for $20.00, the bar referral service in your area may provide a lawyer to talk to for 20 minutes. If there is a law school anywhere close, they ordinarily have extensive law libraries, without charge. There should be some books at the courthouse, and State Statutes are mostly on line.

You seem to be saying that Plan A is not working. You can be polite and nice, and point out reality to WH. I am not convinced that you understand all of your powers.

Post back.

Quipper,
Married 28 years and still struggling

cnf,

You came here for support while you are hurting and that's what you should have gotten - don't worry if some of the comments were a little too blunt. Everyone is allowed an opinion and it's always good to hear all sides.

It wasn't anything you did or the Plan B letter that caused him to get married. I agree, sounds like "I will show you and everyone I am right and I didn't make a mistake." So typical from the fogheads. It is done now, and all you can do now is move forward and not stay paralyzed from grief and fear.

You have every right to say you want him back if that is how you feel, and I understand how all your friends and family feel - they see you hurting and want it to stop and think that just "moving on" will make it all go away. We as the BS's know it won't just go away.

True, his being married is serious, but it isn't the end. Stick with your Plan B, take care of yourself and your children, and don't get involved in a triangle, but it's ok to keep the door open - have you read the statistics on what the chances of their M lasting are? I saw them posted on here once, and they are something like 2% or less. I think you need to take a deep breath, do what you need to do for yourself and make yourself strong and attractive to your WB or any one else that comes into your life.

I know it hurts more than anything and I know how badly you want it to go away, but I survive by taking each day one day at a time and coming here and listening to those who offer support and advice.

I am so glad you have at least one person - lean on her as much as you need to right now.

Remember, on here there are many who have been here a long time and they say it sometimes takes at least a year or more for the fog to clear.

If you chose to leave the door open and hope for reconciliation, you may have to wait for it all to collapse around them and it may take a long time, so in the meantime, work on you, work how to heal, be the best mother, woman, sister, daughter, etc. you can be. Focus on the things you can do, not what you can't.

Hang in there, ok?

cajeanie

cnf......please listen to me carefully......

My new spouse was married to a guy who had been previously married to a woman who was his highschool sweetheart.....he cheated on her from day one......but, had 3 children by her. He later lied to my new spouse and said he was divorced and dated her for a year......got her pregnant.......his WIFE found out, filed for divorce.......my new spouse FIGURED she could change him, (as you stated about changing your EXbf)......didnt happen, my wifes EX continued to cheat and was caught several times by her family members. My wife divorced him, and he is now engaged to be married again. My wife honestly feels its a matter of time before he strays again. Her EX is a habitual cheater, lier, and manipulator. The only thing he did that was close to smart was get FIXED....so he cant father kids by another woman.

I hope you understand this story and see its relevance. God Bless You and good luck. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

cnf, I just reread your last post.....this is what I saw.

EXbf.....2 kids by HS sweetheart....cheated on her and had a 3rd child by another woman. Dated you and had an affair several years ago......he has a 4th child by you. Umm....ding, ding, ding........4 children by 3 different woman and he cheated on all of yall the whole time. Ding, ding, ding........A TIGER DOESNT CHANGE ITS STRIPES. His poor decisions are part of his personality.....I hate to be blunt, but you should thank your lucky stars he is gone. Meet someone who will love you like you should be loved and will care for your child. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

CNF,

I'm not sure what the book was called as I've read 3 books on infidelity the best being "NOT JUST FRIENDS"

I'm getting another book which I was refered to called "AFTER THE AFFAIR"

But the statement is very true. I've seen it played out with my WW and OM. They were going to live together after he moved hundreds of miles to be with my WW. But he got his own apartment and my WW was non to happy about it. Then he dumped her and for 3 months now has been bouncing between WW and his wife not knowing what he wants.

If you look closely at your WH (I know your not married) he fits the description to a "t".

From what I've read in your post he's spend most if not all his adult life moving from relationship to relationship without really figuring out who he is and what he wants in life.

I think your better off in the long run without him. I also think he will be divorced or be having a child before to long.