Ok,

Background first....5 year old daughter, wife is having an EA with an older man who is married. I suspect this is now a PA as well and they are both leaving their spouses to be with each other....so here's the letter I've prepared for when she moves out in the next few weeks and I want to know if it's good enough for a Plan B:

"Dear Debbie,

This letter is likely to come as a shock to you, but I hope that as you read it you’ll take in what I’m trying to say and understand.

I’m afraid that now we are separated, I would appreciate it if we had no more contact with each other, other than making arrangements for <our daughter>. It’s difficult for me to really get across the feelings and reasons for this, but I will make a go of it……..

To start with the harsher stuff, I don’t agree at all with what you’ve done and by continuing a friendship with you it would feel as if I was lending credibility to your decision. I do respect you for taking an incredibly difficult step, but it doesn’t mean I have to agree with it. You completely betrayed my trust and caused me so much hurt, that at times it has physically brought me to my knees. I can’t see myself accepting this treatment from any other sort of friend and so I cannot accept from you. Equally so, as <our daughter> grows up and asks about how we split up, I want to be able to look her in the eyes and let her know I stood by my beliefs, as opposed to weakening to become some sad idiot who stood by to continue getting hurt by being on the sidelines of a relationship that had started as an affair that broke our family apart.

But those are my principles. Now, more importantly, my feelings………..

Over the last 7.5 years you have grown to become part of me; more than any friend, lover, or anyone could. The word “wife” just doesn’t begin to describe the major way in which you were a part of my life. Because of this I can’t be just a friend with you and so the only way I see of going forward is to break off contact as completely as possible.

We are still just the same people at heart and since having the financial, work, study and DIY pressures lifted from us, I think we have got on over the last couple of months how we would have done if these pressures hadn’t been there. It has felt like the life sharing relationship I committed to. Because of this I feel that by breaking off contact, it means we can both remember it this way, sort of frozen in time and memory as something to be reflected on fondly.

But despite all this, if you genuinely feel that you have made a mistake and decided to be 100% into us sharing a life together again, I am still here – there will be no looking back, just a line in the sand from where to move forward. However, I will confess that I don’t know how long it will last for me to feel this way. What I do know is that if you are ever in trouble or need help, I will ALWAYS be there for you, for anything and everything and I would like to think that I would be the one you turn to first, despite my desire to break off normal contact.

I know there’s a lot to take on in this letter, and on the one hand I’m saying I want nothing to do with you, while on the other hand I’m saying I’ll still be there. But I hope you’ll understand what I mean."

So, will it do?

Thanks for comments,
Adam

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by AdamH:

"Dear Debbie,

This letter is likely [You may want to substitute 'is likely' for 'may'] to come as a shock to you, but I hope that as you read it you’ll take in what I’m trying to say and understand.

I’m afraid that now we are separated, I would appreciate it if we had no more contact with each other, other than making arrangements for <our daughter>. It’s difficult for me to really get across the feelings and reasons for this, but I will make a go of it……..

To start with the harsher stuff, I don’t agree at all with what you’ve done and by continuing a friendship with you it would feel as if I was lending credibility to your decision. I do respect you for taking an incredibly difficult step, but it doesn’t mean I have to agree with it. You completely betrayed my trust and caused me so much hurt [Why not substitute this instead: 'My trust in you has been completely destroyed'], that at times it has physically brought me to my knees. I can’t see myself accepting this treatment from any other sort of friend and so I cannot accept from you. Equally so, as <our daughter> grows up and asks about how we split up, I want to be able to look her in the eyes and let her know I stood by my beliefs, as opposed to weakening to become some sad idiot who stood by to continue getting hurt by being on the sidelines of a relationship that had started as an affair that broke our family apart.

But those are my principles. Now, more importantly, my feelings………..

Over the last 7.5 years you have grown to become part of me; more than any friend, lover, or anyone could. The word “wife” just doesn’t begin to describe the major way in which you were a part of my life. Because of this I can’t be just a friend with you and so the only way I see of going forward is to break off contact as completely as possible.

We are still just the same people at heart and since having the financial, work, study and DIY pressures lifted from us, I think we have got on over the last couple of months how we would have done if these pressures hadn’t been there. It has felt like the life sharing relationship I committed to. Because of this I feel that by breaking off contact, it means we can both remember it this way, sort of frozen in time and memory as something to be reflected on fondly.

But despite all this, if you genuinely feel that you have made a mistake and decided to be 100% into us sharing a life together again, I am still here – there will be no looking back, just a line in the sand from where to move forward. However, I will confess that I don’t know how long it will last for me to feel this way. What I do know is that if you are ever in trouble or need help, I will ALWAYS be there for you, for anything and everything and I would like to think that I would be the one you turn to first, despite my desire to break off normal contact.[I recommend that you leave this part out because you are leading her to beleive that you are weak in your desire for no contact]

I know there’s a lot to take on in this letter, and on the one hand I’m saying I want nothing to do with you, while on the other hand I’m saying I’ll still be there. But I hope you’ll understand what I mean."[I also recommend you eliminate this confusing paragraph out of your final version]

So, will it do?

Thanks for comments,
Adam</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Here's a revised version of your Plan B letter:

"Dear Debbie,

This letter may come as a shock to you, but I hope that as you read it you’ll take in what I’m trying to say and understand.

I’m afraid that now we are separated, I would appreciate it if we had no more contact with each other, other than making arrangements for <our daughter>. It’s difficult for me to really get across the feelings and reasons for this, but I will make a go of it……..

To start with the harsher stuff, I don’t agree at all with what you’ve done and by continuing a friendship with you it would feel as if I was lending credibility to your decision. I do respect you for taking an incredibly difficult step, but it doesn’t mean I have to agree with it. My trust in you has been completely destroyed, that at times it has physically brought me to my knees. I can’t see myself accepting this treatment from any other sort of friend and so I cannot accept from you. Equally so, as <our daughter> grows up and asks about how we split up, I want to be able to look her in the eyes and let her know I stood by my beliefs, as opposed to weakening to become some sad idiot who stood by to continue getting hurt by being on the sidelines of a relationship that had started as an affair that broke our family apart.

But those are my principles. Now, more importantly, my feelings………..

Over the last 7.5 years you have grown to become part of me; more than any friend, lover, or anyone could. The word “wife” just doesn’t begin to describe the major way in which you were a part of my life. Because of this I can’t be just a friend with you and so the only way I see of going forward is to break off contact as completely as possible.

We are still just the same people at heart and since having the financial, work, study and DIY pressures lifted from us, I think we have got on over the last couple of months how we would have done if these pressures hadn’t been there. It has felt like the life sharing relationship I committed to. Because of this I feel that by breaking off contact, it means we can both remember it this way, sort of frozen in time and memory as something to be reflected on fondly.

But despite all this, if you genuinely feel that you have made a mistake and decided to be 100% into us sharing a life together again, I am still here – there will be no looking back, just a line in the sand from where to move forward. However, I will confess that I don’t know how long it will last for me to feel this way.

Adam

What do you think about this revised version of your letter?

TMCM,

Fair comment on the weakness.....I struggled with this one myself but weakened enough to include it. I suppose it's just down to putting to one side of the protective side of me.

Thanks.

Adam