Just looking for advice, because I've got a Plan B letter ready for my wife, but I wanted to know if I should send a letter to the OM and to my WW's friend, whom I believe has supported the affair whenever my WW's had doubts.

The letter to the OM is to make him feel guilty and say that I want her back if she wants to come back, while the letter to the friend is just to make her feel guilty.

Is this me just lashing out to make others feel bad, or could it work in favour of my wife and I getting back together?

I would suggest that you read Dr Harley's book 'Surviving An Affair' because there is a letter from Jon (the betrayed husband) to Greg (the other man) which you could adapt and send to the OM.

Don't hold your breath that you are going to make the OM and your WW's affair enabling 'friend' feel guilty for their contributions. Send them the letter without any expectations from them and in the spirit of wanting to respectfully convey to them your willingness to right the wrongs on your part that contributed to the environment that made the A possible. People open up to others points of views when they are being treated with respect, even if they are not worthy of it.

TMCM,

Thanks for the reply.....

But, ooooohh,be respectful.

Very difficult when the natural male instinct is to rip OM apart. But with that in check, my brain does have chance to take the lead.....

The letters I'd planned were:

<OM>,
This is the one and only time I want to have contact with you, so take note of these words carefully.

Firstly, I want to congratulate you on your success at seducing my wife – it is obviously a skill you have practiced comprehensively as I know my wife’s normal regard for affairs is to despise them (she has in the past commented that if I were to ever have an affair myself, that it would be the end for us as she would never forgive me). You were also quite skilful in attempting to mitigate blame from yourself in the first instance by declaring your affections for <WW>, but then adding that you didn’t want to come between us – quite sneaky to plant the seed but then appear to not want it.

Your direct interference in our marriage during an extended period of difficulty was devious, selfish and malicious. I am sure that you must be aware of the damage and pain you are causing to <my daughter>, your wife, me and our respective extended families through your failure to respect the trust placed in you as her friend, as well as the boundaries of decency.

You may have degenerated into not caring for your own marriage, but it is a devastating shame that you should use this to break up a young family through your own pride and selfish need to overstep the boundaries of friendship and trust. It also saddens me that you should throw away 30 years of your own marriage for someone you hardly really know, but then your marriage is not my concern.

I will make it clear that I am NOT asking you to end your affair with my wife, as if there is to be any future for us it needs to be in the event that <WW> realises she has made a mistake and not because you’ve woken up to the consequences of your actions. To this end when you receive this letter, <WW> should also be receiving hers, which states that I want no more contact with her at all from now except to make arrangements for <my daughter>. This is not only for personal reasons, but also to demonstrate to <daughter> as she grows up the damage, wrong and consequences of affairs.

Please do not contact me in any case other than an emergency and please ensure that <my daughter> has no access, nor ever has any sight of, your guns. Otherwise this may result in placing doubt in mind as to your home being a fit and safe environment for my daughter, with possible actions to ensure that she is not exposed to this danger.

For "friend":

<cow features>,

This is the last time I will have contact with you, so take note of these words carefully.

I am writing to tell you of my disgust at your role in the break up of my marriage. You have successfully sponsored <WW> and <OM>’s affair throughout its course by offering support to <WW> for their relationship whenever she has had doubts. I cannot even begin to understand what reasons you may have had for such maliciousness, but it is clear that you have never taken any real steps to discourage it.

As a result, <WWW> and I are divorcing and <my daughter> will never again be with both her mum and dad.

It is a shame that so much damage and hurt has been caused, but I just hope that you never have to truly face up to your role in this affair because despite my regard for you, I would not wish that level of suffering on anyone.

So would these do any good?

Dump this lettter. It's a good exercise for you to write it but DO NOT send it. One reason is he would show it to your wife and that would add fuel to the fire against you.
Remember, you are doing all this for love, NOT revenge.

The letter to the om should be the exact same letter as you send your wife. (as stated in Surviving An Affair)
Addd an extra paragraph at the bottom, specifically to him saying you want to reconcile and are waiting to give her the chance.

Leave the (cow) friend out of it. She's not really a friend and ww will see this in the future.

Ditto with what Chriss said.

Chris,

Good advice. I happened on this thread and seems like I am in similar place.

My sister wants to send a letter to WH employer to expose his and OW's A - they live together and work together, but I read somewhere this should have been done earlier in the A and not when going into Plan B- can anyone clarify this?

I am sending copy of PBL to OW but had wondered about the other.

but I read somewhere this should have been done earlier in the A and not when going into Plan B- can anyone clarify this?
It should be done towards the end of Plan A.

I am sending copy of PBL to OW but had wondered about the other.
The idea behind exposing the affair is simple. Expose it and let everyone know there is an affair going on. It's not to be vindictive or to get in "one last shot" at either the ws or the op.

If it's out in the open, then pressure is on the ws/op. THis helps to (usually) end the affair.

All,

Thanks for the advice. It's sooooo tempting to lash out, but like you said this is about our relationship, not revenge.

Thanks.